To think NO, she's not 'lucky' or 'spoilt'

[strawberrycupcakedream]

I know, I am bu but I'm wound up.

Dsis turned 18 on Wednesday and she's posted the pictures of the cards, balloons, presents up on Facebook saying thank you. She's got £100 I. Primark vouchers and money mainly. Also flowers and a new dress and shoes to wear for party, and pjs.

So she's apparently 'so lucky' and 'spoilt' and people are 'jealous.'

Dsis will never walk again. She can't move her arms properly, only a bit to use her iPad (which was given to her as an award.) she can't talk properly either. Has to have someone do everything for her including wipe her bum.

So I know I'm bu and people don't mean any harm but seriously can't they just say lovely presents.

Because she's not lucky at all.

I understand you feelings OP.

I can totally get why it would annoy you when your sister is referred to as 'lucky' or 'spoilt' however well meant it is. I can't see why this isn't obvious to everyone & I think some posters are being a bit obtuse

If the commenters were that well-intentioned they would think for a quick second and use a different phrase about the presents. It just requires a moments thought & a smidgen of empathy, I don't think that is too much to expect.

Thank you those who have understood

I know why people have said the things they have.

It just hurts.

Oh op I'm so sorry. I started off thinking you but do you know I don't think you are. You are both grieving and coming to terms with huge life changing issues. It's too new to pretend she's any other 18 year old.
I realise you're both adults but do you have family members looking after/out for you both?

Strawberry: evidently it is difficult for you to see anything involving your sister any way except through the lens of tragedy you are both living through, so you resent those who seem to be insensitive to her reality. There will come a time when you will resent those who cannot seem to communicate with her in any way other than through her disability.

People will always manage to say the wrong thing in the wrong way. Or the right thing the wrong way. Or nothing instead of something. Most are struggling to say the right thing through their own issues. There are few who intend to be hurtful.

Are either or both of you getting emotional support or any kind of therapy to deal with these sorts of things? A support group? Or do you just have us?

I understand op, it must be a time of really mixed emotions for you

There are so many ways people could have expressed their pleasure for your dsis without using the words lucky or spoilt!

You really do sound like a loving, protective dsis and I'm very sorry for what your sis and you are having to come to terms with. It must be so hard and I imagine a milestone such as an 18th birthday brings lots of things in to sharp focus.

Mom, you've used loaded and unfair language.

I have specifically objected to the words lucky and spoilt.

I have not verbalised those feelings.

I understand why people used those words snd I recognise I am in part being unreasonable to object to them.

But applying the word lucky to these circumstances just seems so imappropriate.

They just want to make her feel normal. Tell her they envy her. They would b rude if they said all tje presents in the world wouldnt make up for what she's lost.

I get where your coming from OP. It comes across how raw and painful this still is for you. Of course you are sensitive to words like 'lucky' and 'spoilt' when you are probably thinking how fucking unfair life has been for your sister.

But they do not need to use the word lucky.

Please, please read my OP. I acknowledge twice I am being u. And many times since in subsequent posts.

But let me feel it.

You are constantly told, don't look back. Don't think what might have been. I don't. But when someone says you're lucky and you look at their profile pictures and they're skiing. On holidays with mates. Laughing in a new car. It's hard not to.

I am BU.

But at least acknowledge you can see why this hurts.

Itis, yes. Exactly. Thank you.

Do people realise (both on here and irl) how recent and raw this is?
Because you don't call a girl who has lost both parents and the use of her legs lucky for a long time afterwards. Surely.

Sorry by rl I mean her Facebook friends

I think stealth that's the issue as to her friends, or rather friends from Then, it's a long time ago as their comments show. To us it's recent. For her it needs to be recent, if you see what I mean.

And yet the truth is not one but two years have elapsed and this is it. Life. In a wheelchair. Being hoisted to a toilet. Having bottom wiped. Not able to communicate.

'Lucky' is perhaps an all too stark reminder of that fact because in their eyes - she's always been like that. And it is meant so sweetly. I can picture the 18 yos posting a friendly, sweet message and not fully remembering the girl she was,the girl she still is. Who isn't lucky.

Strawberry I completely understand how you feel.

I think there is something in the comment up there from fiddler about being online being a place where her daughter can speak to people on a level field. And people post a ridiculous amount of shite on fb without ever stopping to think (that is one of the reasons I am no on fb, but I am not 18)

However, I think there is one way that your sister is lucky - I think she is lucky to have you, I think your love for her and care for her shines through. I am so sorry for everything that you have both been through. This is utterly inadequate, but for you.

When something awful happens to someone you love, it's like the world stops for you. I know.

All the normal things that everyone else says or does just highlight how unfair your situation is.

I don't for one minute think the comments on FB were meant to upset your sister.

You rant away. Life is fucking unfair sometimes. I get it. You said it yourself. You know you are being unreasonable but you haven't said it out loud. You've had to suppress it and you're venting it on here. You should be celebrating your sister's birthday with her properly and both your parents but things are very different. Of course you feel like this. It's okay to feel this way. x

Hey come on - I've said loads of times now I know they aren't intending any harm at all. I acknowledge that twice in the opening post.

Thank you for lovely comments.

All those saying the OP is BU and too sensitive, just for one minute imagine this were your little sister.

strawberry I know a bit about where you are coming from, I really do. Someone very close to me was paralysed too at a very young age. To lose your parents too must be devastating.
I hope you don't mind me changing the subject of the thread slightly but is your sister using any kind of electronic communication device? There are some good ones available as apps for Ipad that would at least give her back her voice.

I understand your way of thinking OP and why it might be upsetting you

However, I also understand their way of thinking too.

They're simply commenting on the presents and nothing else (after all that's what the photos were of).

And they're absolutely right, she is lucky to get such nice presents. That's all they're saying.

It's definitely something that's a possibility lifes, she does have something she uses but it's v long winded.

Honestly I know no one means any harm

It's more, I suppose, the signs of life going on which should be reassuring but isn't.

On the face of it she is lucky to get nice presents. I m not bitching about that, I'm more unhappy that she's not lucky. I hope that makes sense.

But Worra why can't these people think about what they're commenting about and to whom? Why is it so hard.

I can't imagine being jealous of a young girl who is paralysed. Diabolical that people could even write that to her.

Sorry OP but I agree with Momagain1 in many ways.

In my experience, when you deal with a particular situation you find to be unfair, you become heightened to taking offense at anything anyone says about that situation.

IF those comments upset your sister, then that's one thing, but it's YOU who are taking offense... and they're really not offensive or insensitive comments, they're just triggers for you because you don't believe she's lucky.

Have you asked her if she thinks she's lucky? Do you think it's fair that you've decided she's not? Do you think she should have died and that would have been "better" because she's not lucky to be alive? Not lucky to be mentally okay? Not lucky to still have you?

You're trying to protect her, I get that, but ultimately she's okay. Those people aren't being mean, they're just treating her like they would anyone else.

Please try not to focus on what your DSis has lost, and instead focus on the positives. It's good these people are trying to be kind, and until, or unless, they upset her, that's all that matters.

Syk I don't think that is a helpful post