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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think NO, she's not 'lucky' or 'spoilt'

254 replies

strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 17:59

I know, I am bu but I'm wound up.

Dsis turned 18 on Wednesday and she's posted the pictures of the cards, balloons, presents up on Facebook saying thank you. She's got £100 I. Primark vouchers and money mainly. Also flowers and a new dress and shoes to wear for party, and pjs.

So she's apparently 'so lucky' and 'spoilt' and people are 'jealous.'

Dsis will never walk again. She can't move her arms properly, only a bit to use her iPad (which was given to her as an award.) she can't talk properly either. Has to have someone do everything for her including wipe her bum.

So I know I'm bu and people don't mean any harm but seriously can't they just say lovely presents.

Because she's not lucky at all.

OP posts:
GarlicOctopus · 11/10/2014 18:53

Yes, people are fucking idiots. They say what they would like to hear. It usually works okay but doesn't mean one hundredth of a comment written with the actual recipient in mind.

I had a fit of this exact rage a few weeks ago and had to block myself from Facebook for a while Grin A friend with Stage3 cancer eats a lot whenever she can because, you know, the disease is eating her and the treatment makes her hungry. Her 'friends' posted a stream of "I wish I could eat that much and stay as slim! You're so lucky!" Shock Hmm

Actually, they're the lucky ones ... that my friend has a far nicer nature than mine, and didn't let rip with some home truths!

Fiddlerontheroof · 11/10/2014 18:55

Do you know what? 18 is such a point of change...I'm guessing your Dsis is now leaving children's services and Turning over to adult care. That in itself is a huge adjustment, and I imagine there are huge worries about the future. I have disabled daughter, who will eventually I'm sure be a Facebook user...and I wouldn't have any issue with those comments,they just all sound nice and supportive and happy for her....and I'd expect them to be the same on any other 18year olds profile. She uses Instagram at the moment, and I really like how she interacts with other kids her own age online....no wheelchair, no helper. just my DD.

Two years is such a short period of time....my daughter is 11 now, and it's only in the last year I've started seeing her as a person in her own right rather than my daughter with a disability. I. Have also struggled terribly with what the future holds, and how bloody unfair it is that she has CP, which is as a result of medical negligence.

I can only begin to imagine the adjustment you have been going through, and I'm sorry. But I think you must try and see that the comments are well meaning, I would be gutted to read something that said...what lovely presents, and then made reference to her disability. She is just my dd, who happens to have Cerebral palsy.

I hope I've not offended you, but it must be such early days, it's hard to see now, but I absolutely wouldn't want her treated any other way than what you describe.

Xx

jonicomelately · 11/10/2014 18:57

I could tell you some stories about the ridiculous arguments I've had with people over stupid things because I've been so pissed off about how crap things were for DP. Your reaction is nothing in comparison Grin

fizzymittens · 11/10/2014 18:58

Bloody hell GarlicOctopus that is appalling.

Original poster
strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 18:59

No, I'm not saying they should make reference to her disability. Why do people think this? As in the case above you wouldn't expect someone to say 'you are slim. You have cancer.'

People (not JUST youngsters either!) could just comment without using the word lucky. Or spoilt. I mean 'those presents look lovely, I hope you enjoy them' or 'enjoy your trip to Primark' - convey the same meaning without the implication that the person in question isn't more fortunate than the commenter!

OP posts:
PoirotsMoustache · 11/10/2014 19:00

GarlicOctopus That is awful. Bloody hell. I'm hugely overweight but it wouldn't enter my head to say something so utterly disgusting to someone with cancer.

jonicomelately · 11/10/2014 19:01

I agree that that's awful Garlic
Some tosser upon hearing about DP asked me if I was planning to trade him in for another model. I was totally Shock

MyFairyKing · 11/10/2014 19:02

You sound like you're hurting so very much and I'm not surprised. Is must feel very raw for you having her birthday without your parents with her to celebrate. I empathise with how you are feeling and I think your sister is very lucky to have a big sis who is so protective.

Be kind to yourself. Flowers

saoirse31 · 11/10/2014 19:06

Think the comments are perfectly normal tbh. not nasty.

saoirse31 · 11/10/2014 19:07

Think you are massively over thinking words lucky and spoilt

fizzymittens · 11/10/2014 19:08

Yes and the OP has clearly explained why this might be.

TheFamilyJammies · 11/10/2014 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolgerDanske · 11/10/2014 19:09

I do think in situations like this it's important, however much you want to rail against it, to make allowances that for all but the most horrible, self-centred people, their comments will have come with the best intentions. It comes from a good place, and the sentiment behind it is a loving one, however clumsy it might be. They truly would have been thinking of her being happy on her birthday, and wanting to share in that happiness.

nilbyname · 11/10/2014 19:10

op I'm so sorry for your loss and the trauma that you and your sister have been through.

I get what you're saying. It has definitely made me think about throw away comments like that.

You sound frustrated and upset, have you had a chance to talk through everything with someone? Supporting your sister must be very hard, you must take care of yourself too.

Hugs and Cake

Original poster
strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 19:10

Holger - I have.

That's why I'm moaning on here, not to them.

:)

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 11/10/2014 19:12

Sorry OP.
I am an old gimmer and not very clever WRT facebook.
I thought you could restrict access to just friends, rather than other people who might be just acquaintances IYSWIM.

Of course your sister should be able to post pics of her cards and presents so her friends can see.

MyFairyKing · 11/10/2014 19:14

If someone has lovely presents and you know they've been through a time so tough that it would not be tactful to say "you're lucky", you could say something like; "what lovely presents, looks like someone knows you well!" or a whole load of other things.

HolgerDanske · 11/10/2014 19:14

I didn't mean that to sound like a lecture Sad

I only meant perhaps there is some comfort to be found, somewhere, in that all those people took the time to think about your sister and to wish her well, even if they didn't think about what they were saying.

I do wish you both peace.

GarlicOctopus · 11/10/2014 19:17

Frogs, you can, but most teenagers like to have at least 3,296,781 friends.

I've got friend friends, restricted friends and acquaintance friends, but I too am an old gimmer and prefer to choose which parts of my life to share with whom. If you're 18, though, it's important to get loads of feedback on absolutely everything :)

Back2Two · 11/10/2014 19:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

BelleateSebastian · 11/10/2014 19:20

Your sister doesn't sound at all 'lucky' and (however well meant) the comments on fb were I can see how they grate.

I hope she makes some recovery.

MiddletonPink · 11/10/2014 19:29

I hear you loud and clear OP. I agree with you also.

Saying to someone who is 18 and paralysed that they are lucky is insensitive and stupid.

blanklook · 11/10/2014 19:56

I think you're reading things that aren't there.

I'd expect people to say things like :-

Oooh, they're lovely (meaning the presents)
Aren't you lucky (to have such lovely presents)
I'm jealous (of those lovely presents)
You're spoilt (because people have bought you such lovely presents)

They are completely ordinary responses. I would doubt if your sister's disability ever entered the minds of the people who commented, I think their remarks were only about the presents (and her presents were lovely) I don't think any of those remarks were about her personally.

Pumpkinpositive · 11/10/2014 19:59

So she's apparently 'so lucky' and 'spoilt' and people are 'jealous.'

I agree with Summerbreezer.

I had a disability as child. As did my late brother. Neither of us on the scale of your sister.

We got the same comments. Hell, my parents had to put up with being told how 'lucky' and 'spoilt' they were because we had a nice house and holidays abroad after my brother died. Hmm

But sometimes it's nice to be thought of as "lucky" and "spoilt". To be treated and talked to you as if you're normal, and not some delicate invalid in need of sensitivity at all times.

Hope your sister's birthday is a wonderful one. Thanks

MehsMum · 11/10/2014 20:00

OP, I can see what you mean: you know your sisters' friends are just saying what they'd say to anyone (which is why you haven't bawled them out directly)... but your sister is no longer just anyone, she is a young woman who has been through a huge trauma, as have you, which is why you have come for a rant here.

You're both still adjusting to everything that has happened and it must so difficult for both of you. It will define both your lives: the early loss of a parent, never mind both parents, never mind acquiring a disability, echoes on for decades. Life is unfair, and people are sometimes tactless (I know I have been sometimes in the past, however hard I have tried not to be).

I wish you both the best for the future. Flowers