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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think NO, she's not 'lucky' or 'spoilt'

254 replies

strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 17:59

I know, I am bu but I'm wound up.

Dsis turned 18 on Wednesday and she's posted the pictures of the cards, balloons, presents up on Facebook saying thank you. She's got £100 I. Primark vouchers and money mainly. Also flowers and a new dress and shoes to wear for party, and pjs.

So she's apparently 'so lucky' and 'spoilt' and people are 'jealous.'

Dsis will never walk again. She can't move her arms properly, only a bit to use her iPad (which was given to her as an award.) she can't talk properly either. Has to have someone do everything for her including wipe her bum.

So I know I'm bu and people don't mean any harm but seriously can't they just say lovely presents.

Because she's not lucky at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 18:36

Okay - she isn't every 18 year old.

That doesn't mean I want her treated Differently.

However, you do not treat everybody the same. We have lost our parents. Most people have not. Asking me what I've bought my mum for Christmas would be treating me the same as every 22 year old. It would also be grossly insensitive.

Follow me?

OP posts:
SixImpossible · 11/10/2014 18:37

acknowledging that a few presents and cash does not in any way make up for what she will now never have.

This is the life she has to live now. Her situation may be shit and it may be tough, but it's what she's got. Today she is happy. If she wants to share her delight in today's snapshot, why on earth should it be viewed relative to the wider picture?

She's showing that she is happy. Why should people not respond to that happiness as they would to anybody else's happiness? "Ooo you lucky thing - spoilt rotten!" acknowledges her happiness.

squoosh · 11/10/2014 18:38

I'm really so sorry for what you and your sister have gone through and for the lasting physical effects it's having on your sis. Of course it's understandable that you will over analyse and be annoyed by throwaway comments, however kindly they're meant.

What a huge adjustment you're both having to make. She's lucky she has you.

gincamparidryvermouth · 11/10/2014 18:38

AIBU is the wrong place for this, OP. I'm sorry for what's happened to your family.

Bowlersarm · 11/10/2014 18:39

They are probably hoping to make her feel chuffed with her presents, by sending happy comments. Give them a break.

FuckOffFerret · 11/10/2014 18:40

It's just normal shit people say OP. If they didn't they would be tiptoing around your sister because of her disability and she'd be aware of it. Has she said she finds it insensitive?

Waitingonasunnyday · 11/10/2014 18:40

I am so sorry for your loss, and your sisters loss, and your sisters disability. Those comments would make me feel so sad, and God you must miss your parents on your sisters landmark birthday that was never meant to be like this. I don't know what I would post on someone's Facebook in this situation. There is no 'right' thing to say but 'lucky' would feel like a kick in the teeth it really would.

SixImpossible · 11/10/2014 18:41

By the time my post updated the screen, the thread had moved on a long way.

I wonder whether this is really about the fact that some really horrible things have happened to you, and you are still grieving and hurting.

jonicomelately · 11/10/2014 18:41

strawberry My DP is disabled. This year has been incredibly tough for us as he lost a leg. I found that I was hyper sensitive to a lot of things and I really think maybe this is how you are feeling too. If so, I completely sympathise because it is all due to how much we love the person affected and how angry we are that life can sometimes be so very unfair.

CaptainSinker · 11/10/2014 18:42
Thanks
Bulbasaur · 11/10/2014 18:43

That doesn't mean I want her treated Differently.

But you do.

They're not asking her where she's walking to today, or if she's going to the gym. Or what she's doing with her mom.

They're telling her she's lucky to be getting all those presents. Why shouldn't they? She is.

Her disability doesn't have anything to do with new stuff.

Original poster
strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 18:43

Bowlers, I am saying it here for the simple reason I would never say it to them.

Of course I am being unreasonable. But - and remember my sister was a normal, annoying teenager obsessed with 1D and saving up for driving lessons until this happened, this could be any of your children - she still isn't lucky.

And as for someone who said she doesn't have to be defined by it. I'm afraid that for the foreseeable she does. I know what you meant - I'm not being rude. But she is severely disabled and probably will be for the rest of her life. That might not define her to me but it certainly defines the limits of what she can and can't do.

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 11/10/2014 18:44

YANBU and you sound a lovely sister Thanks. If you've made just one of us think twice before posting, and try to rephrase something that might be insensitive and hurtful, then well done.
And I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Original poster
strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 18:45

Fuckoffferet - she can't talk. Hmm

Thank you for kind words. It's true you become hyper sensitive.

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 11/10/2014 18:45

Oh my goodness. Of course you are hurting, and always will, on your sister's behalf. What a brave young woman she is to have coped so well with such a horrendous situation. You can't help but resent the comments, and you know you're being unreasonable to an extent. I know what you're trying to say. But please, please, try to allow your daughter's friends to be happy for her and wish her happiness and good fortune, and forgive them their clumsy wording. They don't mean any harm.

All the love in the world to you, and to your sister.

Bulbasaur · 11/10/2014 18:45

The real question is, is it upsetting her? She's the one receiving the comments.

jonicomelately · 11/10/2014 18:46

I've looked at other people's partners and been so sad an angry they are healthy and fit. Most of the time I can handle it but occasionally it has led me to act a bit unreasonably towards people. I think your reaction is pretty understandable.

BackToTheFuschia · 11/10/2014 18:47

I feel like this has a deeper issue for you than the comments about her being 'lucky'. You're right to be upset for the blasé choice of words but like others have suggested, it's so difficult not to be patronising. A pp suggested that it made the gulf between what she now cannot do and what her friends are all doing even greater and I agree, and in your situation it must be so difficult. Is there anyone IRL you can talk to? Flowers

PoirotsMoustache · 11/10/2014 18:48

I understand what you're saying OP. I can't imagine how difficult it is for both of you, but I can see how getting loads of great gifts doesn't cancel out or make up for what your sister has to deal and cope with every second. I agree that the comments were merely referring to the gifts, and not your sister's general situation, but maybe just references to how good the gifts were rather than on how 'spoilt' or 'lucky' she was would have been more appropriate. Flowers

Bowlersarm · 11/10/2014 18:49

I hope she enjoys her presents OP.

Pyjamaramadrama · 11/10/2014 18:49

I think that the responses probably aren't meant in the way that you're taking them.

More meaning 'being spoilt on you're birthday', not as in spoilt in general or being dismissive of her disability.

I'm sorry about your sister and it sounds as though she really deserves her gifts, but it sounds as though she's got people around her who care a lot about her including you.

I would try not to read into the comments as they sound like just big standard if nonsensical replies. Like when people post holiday pics and people say 'well jel', and wish I was there.

HolgerDanske · 11/10/2014 18:50

And I just read the comment explaining that you've lost you parents as well. You too are a brave and courageous woman. This isn't fair and no, the two of you are not lucky. I can completely understand why this is hurting you so much. There isn't really anything I can say. But I will think of you tonight and wish you peace.

fizzymittens · 11/10/2014 18:51

Is your lovely sister upset by these comments OP? I truly understand why you are super sensitive in this situation but they are commenting on her presents that is all. I can see that 'lucky' is not the most appropriate word but people are just trying to express themselves, albeit clumsily, and send her happy messages.

You must be hurting so much and I think everyone understands why you feel this way.

PoirotsMoustache · 11/10/2014 18:52

Crap, sorry, so many crossed posts. Had to dash off for a bit in the middle of my last post. The last post of yours I saw was at 18.23.
I am so incredibly sorry for your losses.

Original poster
strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 18:52

Joni thank you and I'm sorry about your DPs leg.

It is very difficult to explain quite what I mean.

What she needs is twofold: people to remember her as she was and people to accept her as she is.

By using the word 'lucky' in a generic sense, people are showing they aren't doing the former, and it's a stark remember that other lives and people and things have moved on.

And people are not really accepting how things are if they are saying she's lucky now. It's as if her disability is the big elephant in the room.

And no, as someone said, I don't want people to add 'you are disabled' onto everything, I want people to not call her lucky, as she is not!

And NO I wouldn't be so rude as to say anything!

Is she upset? Of course she's upset. About 'you're lucky' - I don't know as she has no way of communicating that to me.

Perhaps that in Itself should indicate she has every right to be upset if she is.

OP posts: