'Friend' and £10!

[LadyofDunedin]

First post AIBU! Be nice, please!

So two weeks ago I travelled to a nearby town with who I thought a friend. We went for a lovely day out shopping, lunching, afternoon drinks and dinner.

We were having a lovely day and proceeded to a wine bar in the afternoon. When the check came I paid on my cars and we said we would sort later etc - it really wasn't a big deal. Although I should add she wasn't forthcoming to pay!

Anyway , evening dinner came and went and check came again. She told me to put less in as I got the wine in the avo - fair enough. She did the math and I put my share in. I did question if I paid enough once the waiter had left the table and she said 'oh actually, you still owe me a tenner'. I said I would square up next I saw her (I had no cash on me). I didn't think it a big deal and it was her bad math!

Anyway , she was slightly weird after but I had forgotten about it and a little squiffy in honesty until on the Monday at work I had a huge text with her sort code and account number asking I transfer the £10 ASAP! Omg !

I called DM in horror (after immediately transferring the money - I was mortified- she obv went away thinking all about this and probably bitching me to her husband) and DM reminded me only last month after her HUGE birthday party I stayed behind for 3 hours to help her and husband with all the dishes and tidying up while her parents watched!

So, AIBU to be pissed off? DM reckons I'll never hear again, and even if I do I should ignore?

Always just pay for what you've had and don't let this situation come up again. Add up exactly what you've spent yourself and add on a little more for a tip and leave it at that.
I would be very insulted to be told to pay a tenner into someone's bank account, and I don't think I'd bother with them after that.

I think the friend was rude in the way she asked for the money back. I think the OP was overly incensed by the text. They both sound a bit highly strung and prone to dramatics and probably fall-out with friends easily.

People do have different reactions to money. We hope people will be like us. Most people are fairly laid back about a few quid, but feel peeved if they feel they are owed a large amount or constantly taken advantage of. I think we tend to gauge the reaction and over time know the right way to deal with money with different people.
So, I have friends who I consider a little bit tight. I know that when we go out, we will work out what each of us have had and pay exactly what we owe. If (and it is unusual with this friend) she pays more, I get the money to her within a couple of days and always specify exactly when I will do it.
With another friend, we go out and one person will pay. There is never any question about the other owing money. Sometimes the same person might pay twice on the trot, because we can't remember who paid last time. And it is fine.
I enjoy being with both of these friends, but have learned how to handle money differently with them.

I think we get the different reactions on this thread, because some people are like my first friend (who would be cross is she paid more or didn't get her money back immediately) and others are more laid back. Of course, neither is wrong in itself. If we want to keep friends, we have to accept people are different to ourselves sometimes. Generally, sending texts which are aggressive or come across as aggressive doesn't help friendships. The OP can see that friend again and will know how to deal with money with her in future....the friendship doesn't have to end over it. It depends really on how able the OP is to move on from what has happened......some people can let these things wash over them and not be bothered (best way in my opinion) but others store up resentment and can't move on.
Would be interested to hear from the OP about how she sees the future of this relationship developing, in light of what has happend.

I think your friend was totally unreasonable. All that for £10. Wow. I could maybe understand it if it was £100. No idea why toy are getting a hard time on this thread.

YANBU. If she's that bothered over a measly £10 she shouldn't have subbed you it in the first place. And for the self-righteous posters who will no doubt pile in to say it mught not be measly for her:
a) she spent all day out on the lash so obviously not that hard up
b)if she's that bothered about money/fair bill-splitting generally she should brush up her maths skills. People who get antsy about bill division but can't cope with basic mental arithmetic get right on my nerves.

Unless it is to stop a payment from bouncing, she's being melodramatic. Between me and my best friends you just buy the wine next time if you owe!

LadyofDunedin, I am with you on this one. If I really really needed somebody to pay me a tenner back and it has happened, my circumstances are difficult, I have just said "sorry to be a pain, is there any chance.." etc. I have also forgotten myself...been horrified, paid up immediately ie : my neighbour paid the window cleaner on my behalf. I completely forgot about it but then she asked me to pick her up some wine so we squared that way. I think there is a way of dealing with things and this seems to me to be a bit dramatic, especially as it was her maths that led to this. I feel like I need to dive for cover now!!!

Well I'm with you on this OP! I think the rest of mumsnet have lost the plot!! If I genuinely owed money then a polite text saying "would you mind letting me have the £10 as I am really skint.." I would be offended by the bank details too, unless I has previously ignored polite requests and it had been a while!

Yes but not everyone wants to outright admit they're skint. In my experience people who are skint will get a bit stressed out and behave in similar irrational ways to this. I have never been frivolous but one of my best friends is, so is always skint, when we were much younger she'd moan that someone owed her £5 which is not something that would ever have bothered me and my squirrelling ways. But I understood that she really relied on that cash being returned to her.

She would always ask for it in a charming way, however, not via a crazy text with bank details, but this was going back 20 years before mobiles and social media where people couldn't stress out quite so immediately as it were.

Unless she has form for being tight about money matters, which the OP did not indicate I agree that she overspent, is now skint and freaking out about it. However, she handled it poorly to say the least.

People tend to forget the times when they have been the recipient of money lent to them or favours done for them. There are two "never-quite-pay-their-fair-share" friends who are legendary in our circle whenever we eat out as a group and split the bill. They would be shocked, as they break out their phones and tally up what they think they owe, to realise that they consistently underpay and that we all notice. Friends and their quirks ;)

I think some people are just more worried about 'squaring away' owed money than others. I used to have a friend who would obsessively tell me on a day to day basis how much one or the other of us owed each other, but most of my friends it's a general 'i'll get that and you can pay me back whenever' or 'could you grab that and I'll pay you back/ grab the next one' with a general assumption that it's working out fairly evenly, I do occasionally hand money over or go out of my way to pay for something when I get paid if I think it's ended up more in my favour, but never on prompting.

*"but it's never needed prompting" is what that last bit should have said

Well you're being a bit of a drama queen but of course the friend is being weird and ott. I would also be mortified and honestly it would affect the friendship. I can't believe the sourpusses on here siding with your stingy friend. I think we can assume two women who can fritter away a day shopping and boozing are unlikely to be down to their last tenner.

She's mean.

With you op.

Your friend is unhinged. It's a tenner and as Emily so eloquently Puts it you were boozing together and on a jolly so she's bit skint.

Hate meanness. Vile trait!

Personally she would be an ex friend for me.

Ffs not skint not bit!!

Friend was BU, I think in the way she asked.

Years ago I was friends with a work mate, and we went out. Can't remember together venue, but I offered to pay right away. She told me we'd square later, which I assumed meant that same evening, before the night was over. Halfway through the (I think it was movie) lady turns to me and says, "-aren't you forgetting something?"

I had no idea what she was talking about. She got all weird and said she wanted her money. I was aghast and gave it to her right in the middle of that movie! Later she acted all churlish, like I was taking advantage of her. I reminded her I tried paying her beforehand but she'd have none of it.
I never went out with her again. It all was a bit surreal and I have no room in my life for that nonsense.

The venue, not 'together'!

I get the impression there is more to this.

I find the whole thing embarrassing, but apparently I'm completely in the wrong! I wasn't brought up to be quite so petulant over these things

Yeah, that's completely consistent with phoning DM in horror where DM reminded you that you'd helped your friend out. Not petulant at all.

I personally wouldn't have acted as your friend did unless I was in dire financial straits and that tenner really did make the difference. I also wouldn't have acted like you, going cry-arsing to your mum about it, because, I'm not 6. Tightness (if that's what it was) isn't nice. Neither is going bitching.

I think you're right, you won't hear much from this friend again. I suspect it won't be down to this tenner though. In fact, I wonder if the text was precisely because she isn't planning to meet up with you again so there would be no opportunity to settle up next time.

Spindarella, you've nailed it.

Hrtft but - OP I am genuinely wondering if you and I have a mutual 'friend' because the exact same thing happened to me recently and I was very at it. I'm with you COMPLETELY. I think a reaction like that is disproportionate and unnecessary. Even if she really did NEED the £10 back immediately - there are better and more appropriate ways to ask for it than that. It's a social etiquette thing, I guess.

But seriously - do we have a mutual friend???? !!

Op YAdefNBU! I've never heard of texting sort code & account numbers to friends who owe you money and wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. I wouldn't be going out with her again. There's a difference between a reminder - if she really needed it - and the way she has acted.

I can't be bothered with people who nickel and dime you, as they say in the US. If she is keeping count so precisely about money, chances are she is also keeping count about other things. YANBU. If she wanted it back, she should have asked you. Very weird to text you with bank details. As for the 'poverty' some people on this thread are pleading for her in defiance of the facts some of the poorest people I have known have been the most generous. And vice versa.

people are just weird over money at times. When I worked in a bar there was a genuine misunderstanding between myself and a customer which I think meant they spent a grand total of twenty pence more. They didn't mention it until too late and then put in a huge formal complaint about me being useless and had conned them. I wouldn't have minded too much if we hadn't seen them putting about £60 into a fruit machine, surely twenty pence isn't worth it to anyone, let alone when you can blow that much!

as long as you are all settled up I would forget about it and avoid being in any situation with said friend where one of you technically owes the other money. Everything split as it should be then there is no room for these things to happen seeing as she's funny about it.

As I said upthread, the friend lacked social skills in asking for the money back, in the way she did. She seemed the kind of person to get easily offended (OP said she was a bit funny all afternoon, but never mentioned the money issues) but to not clearly state she would like the money quickly.
The OP also sounds like the person who is easily offended....most people don't react to a text with OMG and contact their mother about it. Again, didn't sound like she communicated with the friend either.

So both have been easily offended and also been poor communicators. These things add up to the kind of people who quickly get through friends.

Those who are able to be more tolerant, communicate clearly and in particular don't take offense easily over the little things in life are more likely to find that their friends last and they don't have friends who vanish without a trace.

I personally don't think YABU - it's all a bit odd texting sortcodes and a/c numbers. I have never heard of friends doing this to each other. Even when I have been totally brassic I wouldn't do this.
Avoid this "friend" in future!