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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Friend' and £10!

225 replies

LadyofDunedin · 11/10/2014 15:15

First post AIBU! Be nice, please!

So two weeks ago I travelled to a nearby town with who I thought a friend. We went for a lovely day out shopping, lunching, afternoon drinks and dinner.

We were having a lovely day and proceeded to a wine bar in the afternoon. When the check came I paid on my cars and we said we would sort later etc - it really wasn't a big deal. Although I should add she wasn't forthcoming to pay!

Anyway , evening dinner came and went and check came again. She told me to put less in as I got the wine in the avo - fair enough. She did the math and I put my share in. I did question if I paid enough once the waiter had left the table and she said 'oh actually, you still owe me a tenner'. I said I would square up next I saw her (I had no cash on me). I didn't think it a big deal and it was her bad math!

Anyway , she was slightly weird after but I had forgotten about it and a little squiffy in honesty until on the Monday at work I had a huge text with her sort code and account number asking I transfer the £10 ASAP! Omg !

I called DM in horror (after immediately transferring the money - I was mortified- she obv went away thinking all about this and probably bitching me to her husband) and DM reminded me only last month after her HUGE birthday party I stayed behind for 3 hours to help her and husband with all the dishes and tidying up while her parents watched!

So, AIBU to be pissed off? DM reckons I'll never hear again, and even if I do I should ignore?

OP posts:

FlorenceMattell · 11/10/2014 17:03

Hate people who add up every item on a bill instead of just splitting by number of friends. Ruins the meal.
OP your friend sounds a bore you are well rid of her.
And I'm not rich either.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 11/10/2014 17:08

Y.N.B.U. These things happen and where there is money lent out there is normally always a fallout from it. However neither is your friend b.u O.T.T a little but you did owe her the money, and like others have said she could have had an over draft due to that £10.00. or it could have been the difference between her eating or not this week I know it's not a lot but it's most certainly not a little either.

fairgame · 11/10/2014 17:12

Maybe she has been stung lending money to other people before and wanted to make sure she got it back. Maybe she is skint. There is no point falling out over a tenner.
FWIW DB regularly lends small amounts from me and pays it back via bank transfer as it's easier than popping round with cash. She maybe thought it was less hassle for you to do it that way.

MyFairyKing · 11/10/2014 17:16

Someone disagrees with you and you call them a cunt...oh excuse me a c*nt, which isn't any better. YABU just for that!

PunkrockerGirl · 11/10/2014 17:19

YANBU. A gentle reminder would have sufficed.

It doesn't sound like she's totally skint imo. She managed to have a day shopping, lunch, drinks, dinner with OP. Is that what you do when you're skint these days?

Since MN came back on line, I honestly think I must be living in a parallel universe.

EBearhug · 11/10/2014 17:25

I think she's OTT - I don't think it's totally unusual to run out of cash by the end of the evening - I often don't carry that much cash these days, as so many places take cards. I'd have probably offered to go to a cash point after we left the restaurant, but if she'd said no, she didn't need it now, then I'd have agreed to hand it over next time we met (unless it was someone I only see every few months or less.)

I wouldn't have minded a message which said, "Any chance of the tenner you owe me?" as a first reminder, particularly if I had an idea it was leaving her short, but if someone goes to a winebar and restaurant and hasn't at any point said something along the lines of, "actually, would you mind if we went somewhere a bit cheaper?" at any point, I would have assumed a tenner wasn't a big deal, particularly if we'd agreed for it to be repaid next time we met. But most of my adult life, it's usually been me who's been the one shorter on cash than everyone else, so that's another reason I would assume it's actually okay to wait till we next week.

OTOH, there are a couple of family members where I know it would cause them problems to borrow a tenner for longer than overnight, but then I wouldn't dream of taking them to a winebar and restaurant unless I was treating them - I wouldn't want them to feel obliged to go halves somewhere that would leave them short, because the point is to meet them and chat, and that can happen over a glass of tap water if necessary, or at least in a cheaper bar.

It's not entirely clear to me what the timescales are, either - if you went out on Friday, and she started hassling you on Monday, that's out of order - a quiet reminder would be okay. If it's been a couple of weeks, then fair enough to remind you, but I'd still start with, "I know we aren't going to meet for a little while yet, so can I send you my bank details, so you can pay it, as I could do with it back?" Except I can't imagine sending someone my bank details for just a tenner, and also, I don't do online banking. (I don't have a problem with texting - I'm more likely to text than call with most people.)

SanityClause · 11/10/2014 17:29

I'm pleased people have come on to say YANBU.

I couldn't believe the first page of posts, and then I had to go out, so couldn't respond.

I think there should be give and take in a friendship, and under the circumstances, you owing her £10 wasn't such a big deal.

If her text went "Sorry, Lady, I'm in a bit of a pickle and I would really appreciate if you could transfer that £10 to me asap. My bank details are....." that would be fine. So if her text was like that then YABU, but I'm guessing it wasn't, otherwise you wouldn't be posting.

I do get that to some people £10 is a big deal, but it doesn't seem to be the case, here.

Stopmithering · 11/10/2014 17:30

I understand what you mean op and would also feel awkward receiving such a text over £10.
However, I wouldn't end my friendship, just be more cautious when it comes to money. You did say you were having a lovely day. She's uptight about money and made you feel awkward. But it sounds like she's a good friend in other respects?

Squeegle · 11/10/2014 17:32

The friend sounds barking, I would be mortified if a friend reminded me I owed her in this way. Even if I did, which it doesn't sound like you did OP. Very bizarre and rude behaviour. YADNBU

figgieroll · 11/10/2014 17:36

The number of times I've been unintentionally left out if pocket means I've probably given away about £45 over the course of two years. If it's left a week or so, it's often unintentionally forgotten. I don't lend cash now to certain people

Rosie2011 · 11/10/2014 17:37

she wouldn't be my friend after that! what a cow! you obviously just forgot and im sure if she reminded you next time in person you would have given it to her. that is abit much to send you her bank details!

MyFairyKing · 11/10/2014 17:42

I do actually think YANBU but I don't think she is BU either. What a shame to end an otherwise fine friendship over a tenner.

Gruntfuttock · 11/10/2014 17:45

The fact that she said she couldn't stop thinking about it was very weird indeed IMO.

TsukuruTazaki · 11/10/2014 17:47

YANBU in the slightest, can't believe so many are saying you are.

The "friend" did the maths and told you how much to pay for dinner, so if you owed her a tenner it was only due to her poor maths as you paid what you were told to! I'm sure you would have been more than willing to pay the correct amount if she had done her sums right, and you said you were going to go 50/50, so it's not like you even purposely borrowed from her.

I would just have left it til the next time and personally I wouldn't even really let money change hands for this. It would just be a case of someone getting drinks in next time or squaring up that sort of way. IMO this sort of thing all evens out eventually as long as both are generous people and Not tight.

Friend sending bank details way OTT unless desperately financially Short, in which case there are nicer and less hounding ways to say so!

charleybarley · 11/10/2014 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stopmithering · 11/10/2014 17:49

Yes agree Gruntfuttock. That is weird.

SistersOfPercy · 11/10/2014 18:07

I also don't think YABU at all. I went to see my BF the other night, just called in passing. I remembered as we sat there I owed her a fiver. Neither of us could remember what I owed it her for and had a laugh over it. She's owed me money in the past, it sorts itself eventually as she'd buy the desserts on our next meal out etc
Good friends don't really quibble over a few quid here and there and to text you her bank details I think is rude.

PuppyMonkey · 11/10/2014 18:23

What a totally bonkers thread - all those yabus at the beginning. MN is odd .

Yanbu - it was indeed extremely weird for your mate to ask you to transfer £10 like that and for her to include her sort code and whatever in a text. Very weird indeed.

Also, am I the only one who wouldn't have a clue how to transfer money like this.

Pepperwitheverything · 11/10/2014 18:49

I can't believe the hard time you have got here....ridiculous!!! All this over a tenner?? I am completely skint but even so I would never in a million years make a big deal of it with a friend..especially one I had meals out and drinks with!! I remember once my sister almost falling out with me over 50p. So many weird people in the world.

Itsfab · 11/10/2014 19:09

I haven't read to the end yet but I am wondering if she didn't wait until she saw you next to be given the tenner as she doesn't intend to see you again either.

MrsPiggie · 11/10/2014 19:49

I think she was a bit OTT as well, unless money is really really tight for her. Short message to remind you about it, , like " I hope you haven't forgotten about that tenner" is better than slapping you with her bank details.

AlwaysHoldingOnToStars · 11/10/2014 19:58

Very OTT. I go out with my friends and if someone pays for my drink I will pay for theirs next, even if it's at a different time, and vice versa. Now I know next time to text them my bank details so they can pay me back straight away.

With my best friends I have no idea how much we might owe each other, we pay for drinks whenever, don't make notes on who does and when. For all we know one of us might owe the other £100s!

samsam123 · 11/10/2014 20:04

its £10 total over reaction by her

StillSquirrelling · 11/10/2014 20:47

I'd find this a bit odd, to be honest. If she was so broke that £10 made a real difference to her, then she would have been much more careful about working out what was owed to whom. If £10 didn't make that much difference then she was being OTT about the way she's gone about asking for it back. If you see each other fairly often and you said you'd give it to her when you saw her next (and she was OK with that at the time) then she was BU to chase you up for it only a day or so later.

We have some very close friends that we don't manage to see as often as we'd like these days. At any one time one of us owes the other anything from £25 up to £200! At the moment they owe us about £150 from about 6 weeks ago (hotel and concert tickets) but we know that it'll get sorted at some point and we don't bother chasing each other for it until we meet up again and then we'll work it all out. No one gets narky about it like your friend seems to have done

ChocolateWombat · 11/10/2014 21:04

I think this issue is about a failure of communication.
Firstly, the 2 of you didn't communicate clearly about the amounts spent on drinks in the afternoon and the exact amount you owed her after the meal. She also didn't communicate clearly that she needed the money very urgently, but the OP also didn't clarify the timescale.

I also think that the text message was a failure to communicate well. It would have been better to send a friendly 'Just wondered if you could let me have the £10 from dinner please'. There was no need to make the request aggressive. I guess she could have said 'I can give you my bank details if it is easier'
If I had received the text, the TONE would have been the thing that surprised me,rather than the request. However, many people get the tone wrong when texting.

I think OP thinking OMG etc etc was a bit of an over-reaction. Persoanlly, I would have paid up fast (as the OP did - right response) and possibly sent a friendly text in reply saying 'I've transferred the money. Thanks for paying the bill. I hadn't realised you needed the money back so urgently. Always say if you'd like me to get it for you the same day' or something similar.

So, no need to not be friends. Not a big deal really. All dealt with.
The key thing in all this is not to take offense about nothing. She sounds like she took offense about the money and the OP sounds like she took offense at the text. There was no need for either to take offense,mas none of it is a big deal. They can just move on. One of the key reasons that fall-outs happen, is people too easily get annoyed and take offense over puddly little things.....that and a failure to communicate.
Both things happened in this case.

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