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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pool Changing Room.

187 replies

Roobix04 · 10/10/2014 11:54

Ok not sure if I even have an issue just wanted to see what other people think.
So yesterday me and my 17 yo dsis were at the pool with 6mo dd and a woman came into the changing room with her 2 sons. One was about 6 and the other was 10/11. They got changed in a cubicle but with the curtain open. I was across from them wearing just a towel trying to dry my hair and not flash anyone and my dsis was supposed to be getting out of her bikini while making sure my dd didn't roll off the table. The thing is the older boy was obviously reaching the stage where he's getting curious about women's bodies which is fine but it meant he kept looking at us. We both felt a little uncomfortable about exposing ourselves to him. I'm definitely not implying he was a pervert or anything but I think he's too young to be exposed to my slightly saggy body. I think at that age he's old enough to go into the men's on his own. So were we being unreasonable or was that a little weird?

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 11/10/2014 23:08

"RE this boy. the problem is you don't know if he needs help"

He could have been helped behind a closed curtain.

minionmadness · 11/10/2014 23:09

My 6 year old ds and his 8 year old cousins get changed in the male changing room for their swimming lesson without an adult. I don't see anything wrong with this at all. They are both sensible boys and enjoy the responsibility they have been given.

MrsBennington · 11/10/2014 23:34

I'm assuming that a towel round you meant you were probably wearing more covering than you were when you were in the pool. If you want privacy in a Pubic (yes it is still Public even if its designated Female) then shot the door/curtain.

MrsBennington · 11/10/2014 23:35

*shut

YonicScrewdriver · 11/10/2014 23:44

MrsB, then the boy's mum should've shut the curtain.

There are towels and towels, if OP had a bath sheet then yes she was covered, if it was more a mid thigh length towel under which she was naked, then given she was moving around drying hair etc she might well have had more of her body visible than in the pool.

clary · 11/10/2014 23:51

The OP is getting a bit of grief here!

What's the rule at the pool? At the pools I use it is 8yos need to be in the correct-sex changing room. As that is the age they are allowed to swim on their own it seems fair enough to me. OP I agree 10yo is totally old enough to be in the men's. DS2 is 11 and it is years since he came in with me.

I hate it when I see older lads in the women's (not so much for me, more for 13yo DD) and sometimes query it. Not so often tho as I don't want to get a mouthful.

tara49 · 11/10/2014 23:55

YAB Totally U!!!
I would never put my sons at risk in a male changing room - in fact women who insist on parading around naked in front of male children should be a little more considerate, show some modesty and cover up - you are the adult, take control, don't blame the child.By the time baby was dry and dressed surely your sister would have been ready to watch her whilst you got changed?

clary · 12/10/2014 00:09

"I would never put my sons at risk in a male changing room " - what do you mean by that, exactly?

And at what age would you let your sons go into the men's?

YonicScrewdriver · 12/10/2014 01:18

Tara

Would you leave the cubicle curtain open while your son was in a female changing room which had communal change areas and cubicles?

sykadelic · 12/10/2014 01:36

I personally think 10/11 is old enough to change by himself, but then if there's no rule about it you can't stop him going into the ladies.

This thread just proves that not everyone is going to agree with you so you just need to do what you need to do to mitigate the risk.

Even if there was an age limit, good luck getting common sense out of an over protective/opinionated mother.

KoalaDownUnder · 12/10/2014 04:32

tara49 - selfish much? Hmm

Why do you think your concerns about your son trump other people's concerns about their daughters? What about the 12- or 13-year-old girls who are not comfortable getting changed with your son sitting there gawking?

And yes, I'm using the word 'gawking' deliberately, because I think it's equally inflammatory to your (ridiculous) use of the word 'parading'. Adult women don't 'parade' around a female change room, FFS. They walk around doing what they'd do in their own bathrooms, and enjoying one of the few environments where women don't have to worry about the male gaze.

If you can't bear the idea of your 8+-year-old son being in a male change room without you, wait for a family room to become available. Don't make young girls and women uncomfortable in what is supposed to be a female change room.

(Note: am referring to dedicated female changing rooms only!)

skaen · 12/10/2014 07:02

Tara- never, really? 13? 16? 45?

How very unkind to teenage girls who might want to be able to change in tutor own changing room, but I guess them and their safety is much less important than the menz.

OwlCapone · 12/10/2014 08:16

I would never put my sons at risk in a male changing room

You realise that your sons are those "potential paedophiles" that you are scared of don't you? They must be on the basis that they have a penis.

ProudAS · 12/10/2014 08:36

MNERS - do you think that your DHs, streetwise sons etc would let a paedophile harm an 8yo boy in the male changing room???

I can understand the concerns if boys have SN or the changing room is fairly deserted but invading the privacy of females in a communal changing room is not the answer.

DB had to change alone from age 6 if DF wasn't with us and he was fine.

saintlyjimjams · 12/10/2014 08:37

How do we know the child was 10/11? I knew a child at 8 who was taller than my then 11 year old.

saintlyjimjams · 12/10/2014 08:41

I think 8 is too young for some boys in some settings proud.

The pool the boys go swimming at (lessons) has a very body builders type gym attached & very few family type swimmers. I don't like my youngest getting changed alone there.

In fact a man came out of the changing rooms once & told me I could take both boys into the ladies to get changed if I wanted (I told him they were older than they looked - 12 & 9 - and he said 'oh maybe not then' ). It's not a very busy changing room either.

Other pools I'd have no issue.

Still prefer changing villages though - or at least one family room available.

unlucky83 · 12/10/2014 08:55

I have to say one boy going into a changing room to get changed on their own is different to going with a group or even as a pair etc. They are on their own and therefore potentially at more risk....but the likelihood of anything happening is absolutely minimum.
And agree hopefully there will be other men around etc, to pick up on any suspicious behaviour and hopefully report...the people running the swimming pool will have a duty of care and protection - they will be aware.
The majority of paedophiles are men, but the majority of men are not paedophiles, especially not ones with a preference for boys. And at 8-10 yo with no opportunity to be 'groomed' most are going to be worldly wise enough to know what is inappropriate.
Thinking about how would I feel about my 10/11 yo daughter changing in the men's changing area with her dad ...and I do feel like that wouldn't be appropriate...although at 8 yo changing on their own both my DDs would be likely to not wash hair properly and DD1 would definitely forget things (DD2 would be better)
I agree the solution is the communal /family changing areas - maybe with separate showers/toilets and individual cubicles.

LittleBearPad · 12/10/2014 09:04

If you had to dry your hair then why couldn't you get dressed and then dry it rather than wrapping a towel round yourself?

You had your sister to help you. You do seem to have made a meal of it.

500smiles · 12/10/2014 09:45

Why should the OP, or indeed any female have to modify their behaviour in a female only safe space to accommodate the wants of a boy?

moaningminnie2 · 12/10/2014 10:22

At our local pool, once a person hits 8 they have to use the right sex changing room.
YANBU. He was way too old.I am surprised he wasn't mortified at having to change in the ladies.

YonicScrewdriver · 12/10/2014 10:26

"If you had to dry your hair then why couldn't you get dressed and then dry it rather than wrapping a towel round yourself? "

Why should she when she was in a female changing room? Maybe she didn't want to get her clothes wet? Maybe the hair dryers are in the "wet" section of the changing room,

getherelucy · 12/10/2014 10:59

My 11 year old sister loves going swimming however she now refuses to go as people kept bringing their 9/10/11 year old sons into the ladies changing room.

She is not being silly or petty however she has been sexually abused and raped and she found the presence of males whilst she was getting changed to be far too upsetting and triggering for her. It doesn't matter that they were a similar age to her (I think that actually might have made it worse, long back story there).

She would often end up crying and having panic attacks if someone brought a boy in of similar age to her so now she just refuses to go.

Why do other people's sons rights trump the rights of my sister in the ladies changing room? Or do you think my sister should just "get over" her rape and sexual abuse because your little darling sons are so much more important than her?

Why do the rights of males trump the rights of females in a female changing room? Are 11/12/13 year old girls who are going through puberty just meant to "get over it" too?

Some disgusting comments on here.

Dayshiftdoris · 12/10/2014 11:17

Bloody hilarious double standards people have....

When there are threads about this in the context of a child with special needs needing there are very few in support yet a good half on here are saying the OP must cover up.... Go figure

I just travel 8 miles out of my way these as otherwise the rules (yes there are rules!!) of using the correct changing room puts my son at risk and the disabled changing smelly of bad drains and is on poolside where everyone can see comment about him using it.

I don't mind the rule about correct changing rooms but I wish it was policed properly and I wish pools were forced to make decent provision for disabled / unisex changing.

Dayshiftdoris · 12/10/2014 11:18

So no OP YANBU

saintlyjimjams · 12/10/2014 12:49

But gettherelucy - changing village would suit her as well. There are many reasons why people may need to change with members of the opposite sex - in my own family I have a young very shy 9 year old who is too scared to change by himself (as I said he looks age 6 do no-one has fussed at me taking him into the ladies if his 12 year old brother isn't around) & a 15 year old with severe learning disabilities who needs a carer. Unisex changing villages work well for us & presumably everyone else who has a particular need. Unfortunately they're rare as hen's teeth around here & so ds1's access to swimming is limited.