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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to meet nor have any clue how to handle this sexist arse?

387 replies

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 08:51

I am meeting the boyfriends father tomorrow. I have been pre warned that he is rather sexist and is known for offending people.
He will refer to woman as ' look at that little machine' and ' the bird likes x, does she'

The boyfriend says that he would probably be diagnosed with some condtion nowadays, but as it is he is 60 ish and it isnt going to happen, and that in some ways his behavoior has led him to be successful as he has done very well for himself in terms of career and wealth.

All of his previous girlfriends have hated him, bar one, who let him suck her toes once ( and i cant imagine a situation where this would even happen)

The brother is also going to be there, he doesnt work, lives like a hermit, lives off family money and rarely speaks.

Normal course of the evening is to get awfully drunk, argue about politics and wave their arms around.

I really do not want to sit in the company of someone who thinks im a ' machine' because i happen to have boobs and a vagina.
I have no idea how to handle it at all really.

I know no family is perfect, but at least mine made my boyfriend feel welcome and he was sent home with a ton of food and cake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vintagecrap · 13/10/2014 19:12

I've not taken him back.
I totally agree with all that you are now saying.

There's just a tiny voice at the back of my head.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 13/10/2014 19:20

Can you imagine staying with him and having Saturday night hanging over you? Having him turn up at your wedding? I can't imagine dad will age well either- your ex boyfriend will dancing round in attendance, with you anxious that it'll kick off with you too.
Stay away vintage
Flowers

PedantMarina · 13/10/2014 19:20

Well, of course there is that tiny voice! You're not a robot. Emotions just don't disappear overnight.

Have you read any/a lot of the emotional abuse/toxic families freds? One thing that keeps popping out at me is when a toxic person does something so shocking, so surreal, so out of left field that the [normal] person is left so agog, the real abuse begins. I don't know if it's a conscious thing on their parts, but it does seem to work.

I'm not saying this is why they did what they did, but the effect is the same. Shock and wobble.

DollyDreamboat · 13/10/2014 19:22

You will never be able to relax around them. You can never trust him to have your back. Honestly, he's behaved like a complete cunt.

Zucker · 13/10/2014 19:32

You've had a look at your exboyfriends future and it isn't pretty. Let the images of the Dad sink right into your mind. That's your boyfriend in 10/15/20 years?

Fairenuff · 13/10/2014 19:37

I don't understand OP. Why is there a tiny voice? What is it saying?

He could not have been more offensive if he had tried. What tiny bit of that evening did you like/enjoy/want to repeat? Seriously, I don't get it Confused

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 13/10/2014 19:48

Nothing
And there is no way I'm ever meeting the dad ever again.

Nor am I getting married or having dc. They were never on my agenda and never will be.

Until sat it was the best relationship I've ever had. We communicate really well. Trust each other, respect each other. He has been more thoughtful than anyone. Helped me out emotionally and practically.

OP posts:
DollyDreamboat · 13/10/2014 19:51

And he is also a massive bellend.

Fairenuff · 13/10/2014 19:56

But, but, but he likes songs about beef curtains.

That's not the kind of thing you can ignore is it?

Bambambini · 13/10/2014 19:58

So if you have the big talk and promises are made and it's decided that you will never see the father again so might never have to witness or be in that situation again - what of the future? What if you stay together, what about family get togethers, so what if you get married, what about Christmas?

I don't see how you could trust to be around the father again

Your boyfriend might never act like that around you again if the father is the catalyst and you never put yourself in that position - or he might (father or no father). It's a chance you are taking.

I would be interested in what he had to say and how he excuses his behaviour.

Suzannewithaplan · 13/10/2014 20:10

good point PedantMarina!

Mudgarden · 13/10/2014 20:43

OMG, have just read this whole thread and I am so ANGRY with these horrible people.

This is not just sexism and an alcohol problem, it's deep, entrenched misogyny and bullying. People like this guy's dad really, really hate women - it's dressed up as humour to make it look acceptable. They have revealed what they are and this man's father clearly loves having a woman around as a verbal punchbag so he can enjoy her discomfort.

Well done OP and ignore the blamers. And please, please stay away from this family. So sorry your BF turned out to be such a deeply unpleasant person. He can't possibly have forgotten all that, but as someone else pointed out, "can't remember the shameful things I did when I was pissed" is thought of as a great get-out-of-jail-free card.

You deserve to leave this hideous episode behind and to be with someone who will never, ever do anything like this to you.

Inertia · 13/10/2014 21:09

Well, the thing is that abusive misogynists have to pretend to act normally some of the time. If they showed their true natures in public they'd probably get a) sacked b) arrested c) no interest from women.

whattheseithakasmean · 13/10/2014 21:40

It all seems part of the same misogynistic pattern. Reveal what a sexist women hater you are, then appease the girlfriend with some flowers. A big bunch from interflora does not make up for revealing a drunken and sexist streak a mile wide.

A bet his dad buys women flowers and gifts when he thinks hes gone too far as well...

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/10/2014 21:52

OP. Have some self-respect.

The lovely, wonderful x number of weeks - that was you beginning to get to know him. That hideous, unforgivable night was the first indication that all is not as it seems.

However drunk my DH got, he would NEVER behave like that, say those things, do those things. Because those things are not a latent part of his personality.

That behaviour is within your DP, drunk or not.

TheysayIamparanoid · 13/10/2014 22:03

Even if he doesn't remember that night there will be lots of other times he has behaved like this that he does remember!
I agree that his warning about his father was about him too!

WitchWay · 13/10/2014 22:19

Blimey - just read all this! I don't know what to say!

I thought an exBF's father was out of line when he sent me (firmly but politely) to bed when we were staying over so he could drunkenly have a go at BF Hmm

Castlemilk · 13/10/2014 22:27

No, I'm sorry, you will be a COMPLETE IDIOT if you take him back.

You know those hundreds of threads you see where some poor woman has spent years managing her increasingly chaotic, vaguely emotionally abused life around a binge-drinking fuckup? This is how those otherwise sane, reasonable, NICE women end up like that. They start off with what seems to be the nicest guy on earth. In fact, he still is. It's just that every one in a while, he drinks so much he crashes the car and is banned from driving/hits her but can't remember it/pisses all over the house and breaks a couple of windows and the neighbours call the police.

But he's actually really lovely. And it's been 15 years now so how can she leave? Etc.

No normal, reasonable, WORTH IT man would have ever subjected you to that utter hell of an experience.

And why on earth, after only three months, would you want to carry on trying to build a long-term thing with a man who comes with a family set like this? A man you're never going to have a normal extended family set of relationships with?

Honestly, just walk away. Really.

Dragonfly71 · 13/10/2014 22:38

What a truly horrendous experience. I have only posted ( was lurking I'm afraid) because you seem to be wavering a bit OP. Just remember your BF knew exactly how his father would behave as he has done this before. He chose to expose you to misogyny and abuse. I would go so far as to say he offered you up to his father to play his sick game of bait the new girlfriend. And this is something they have done many times before. They probably compare notes on how various women have responded. Please don't listen to any excuses, there is nothing that can excuse this behaviour. The mask has slipped. He may have been lovely up until now but he's a faker. He cannot be a decent, caring man and behave like this, drunk or not.
Really hope you have recovered ok, please please don't be tempted to back down. It will only give him permission to behave like this again. ( probably when drunk because a precedent will be set). Take care.

puntasticusername · 13/10/2014 22:42

FFS don't do it, woman! DON'T DO IT! Get a friend to lock you in a cupboard for as long as it takes for the temptation to pass. You'll be fine, she can slide pizzas under the door to you.

Seriously - DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT. He's a total twat and you know it.

Alsoflamingo · 13/10/2014 22:47

You know what, OP? I understand why there is that tiny voice. It's because you are a kind and trusting person who thought she had met someone really special. The grovelling apology makes you consider giving him another chance because you want to see the good in him and maybe 'save' him. My suspicion is that he means it when he says he is sorry to the bottom of his heart.

BUT, that doesn't mean it wouldn't happen again. I think he is genuinely sorry and wants to change. Means to change. I think he forewarned you about his father because he was scared this would happen. Bottom line, I think he is an alcoholic and is utterly unable to control himself once he gets started on the sauce.

So don't misunderstand me; I am not suggesting you should give him another chance. I agree with all the other posters who are begging you not to. I am just saying that I think the reason it is hard to quiet the tiny voice in your head are understandable. 1) He isn't lying about being sorry. And 2) you are a lovely woman who believes in second chances.

Know this, but walk away. You can't change him. He will have to do that for himself (if he ever does) and you and your DC are too precious to waste time waiting/hoping.

pictish · 13/10/2014 23:05

What's the point in pursuing this? His father's a nightmare, and it's just going to be a fucking hassle whatever happens.
You're never going to meet him again? How does that work in a long term relationship?
Do you expect your boyfriend to cut him off? Are you prepared to implement that after a four month relationship? In other news, even if he did, the emotional fallout will almost certainly end up as being your doing.

4 months in? Do yourself a favour. x

temporaryusername · 13/10/2014 23:59

I understand the tiny voice too, but I think that voice is residual in a way. It is the part of you that has experienced four seemingly good months trying to catch up with the part of you that now knows better.

You can't put up with these problems on the grounds that you weren't looking for marriage or children anyway. I think a PP had it when they said that your boyfriend didn't make you feel any safer, he was just part of the threat. That speaks volumes. I think even if only subconsciously, he invited you to test you out and see if you can put up with this. It isn't worth it. Maybe he is very messed up by his father and his relationship with hi, but equally he may be all too willing to be like his father. He should have come through for you here. Flowers and a couple of texts is not much of an apology either. He may be as bad as his father, or he may be not as bad, but still never actually get over all this and always be a problem. You don't want to waste any more time building links with this man, when you've said yourself you would never let your daughter be with his family. This man joined in with the behaviour of someone you would never let your daughter be with. Please think about that.

He is not worth the trouble. What horrible men they are.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/10/2014 06:16

I've not made any decision yet.
And do totally agree with all that's being said.

He assures me it won't ever happen again and he doesn't know how it happened the first time. I have said that until he works out how it happened, he can't assure me anything.

I'm not wet behind the ears and a naive 20 year old thinking she can fix someone. I don't give a crap and am known for having a rather cavilier attitude when it comes to shit behaviour. I just don't put up with it.

I don't know. I'm not making any decision right now.

Also, I'm not swayed by the flowers, they are very beautiful, but it saddens me that I have them really. Men do only seem to send flowers when they have fucked up.

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 14/10/2014 06:29

I have said that unless he works out how it happened, he can't assure me of anything

^^This. Beautiful. Perfect. (Sorry if it's not the exact wording you used: I can't C&P on the phone)

But he's lying when he tries to say it's never happened before. You know it has! For that enormous lie alone I'd be telling him to FTFO.