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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to meet nor have any clue how to handle this sexist arse?

387 replies

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 08:51

I am meeting the boyfriends father tomorrow. I have been pre warned that he is rather sexist and is known for offending people.
He will refer to woman as ' look at that little machine' and ' the bird likes x, does she'

The boyfriend says that he would probably be diagnosed with some condtion nowadays, but as it is he is 60 ish and it isnt going to happen, and that in some ways his behavoior has led him to be successful as he has done very well for himself in terms of career and wealth.

All of his previous girlfriends have hated him, bar one, who let him suck her toes once ( and i cant imagine a situation where this would even happen)

The brother is also going to be there, he doesnt work, lives like a hermit, lives off family money and rarely speaks.

Normal course of the evening is to get awfully drunk, argue about politics and wave their arms around.

I really do not want to sit in the company of someone who thinks im a ' machine' because i happen to have boobs and a vagina.
I have no idea how to handle it at all really.

I know no family is perfect, but at least mine made my boyfriend feel welcome and he was sent home with a ton of food and cake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vintagecrap · 13/10/2014 10:57

My step dads and brothers eyes were out on stalks. Then they were cross i didnt just text one of them to come and get me.
They are both very cross at him for putting me in that situation, and said as a man its pretty unforgivable and i should just instantly dump him.

The ' funny little round one' was one of the boyfriends previous exs.
I can now see how a toe sucking incident came about. If they were drinking like that, and the dad was behaving like that, and she was going along with it and the boyfriend wasnt supporting her....

Thing is, im not some princessey woman either, not to make excuses or say it would be worse if i was. But, i spent a good 10-11 years around forces men. I thought i had seen it all, I can take a laugh and a dirty joke, but what happened on saturday wasnt that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vintagecrap · 13/10/2014 11:10

i keep remembering other stuff too. The dad told me off as i had painted nails.

He got all shouty and said i couldnt hear the music properly as the nail varnish was blocking it.

thats just mental.

OP posts:
IamOldGregg · 13/10/2014 11:25

They sound like they have a serious problem with alcohol. Get shot. Maybe you should say to your BF that his dad has a problem, that he is not just enabling but actively supporting his insane behaviour and they need to get some specialist help.

Adira · 13/10/2014 11:26

Oh my....... That's some Saturday evening.

Awful and disappointing as it must be, (I'm sure you had high hopes for the relationship) thank God you found out now and dropped him. You got a glimpse of the future, he will turn out to be exactly like his father. 100%.
Can you just imagine being stuck with that filthy chauvinistic halfwit for the rest of your life? Having a child with him!?!?!

Imagine if you'd stayed with him and a few years down the road, when your dd is in her teens and you're at a family occasion the pair of them get rat arsed again and start singing the cunt song at her and the father starts asking her if she goes to a mixed school, and does she like the cock etc. (If he spoke to you the way he did on first meeting I would expect that he would feel it was no big deal to do the same to your dd once she was 14/15.

Shudder ..... lucky escape.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 13/10/2014 11:39

apparently a fair amount of his family are alcoholics.
This does not surprise me at all, but sort of shows it a deeply ingrained issue in their family.

I was told they used to go on family boating holidays where they frequently crashed boats. They were laughing over the fact they used to each drink 14 or so bottles of wine a day.

So fucked up.

And there is no way in hell i would take my daughter anywhere near that man.

OP posts:
FloatIsRechargedNow · 13/10/2014 12:06

Thanks for all the updates and filling in details - it sounds really bad, that c**t song is atrocious particularly in the context it was played. Now that you've given some details about the dad's profession and education I can really envisage the picture - nasty, nasty people - having come across similar myself. What I don't understand is why some here have criticized you, so just ignore them because plenty have supported you and I started with saying go with "an open mind".
I can see why you are angry because you wasted 4 months on a tosser. Nothing I can say except best out of it. Enjoy your day off and have a Be Nice To Vintage day.

QueenTilly · 13/10/2014 12:13

Well, now you know.

Knowledge is power, and all that? Absolutely fascinating that your ExExExExBF (can you see I feel strongly about this?) painted his brother as a bad guy for rarely speaking. I can see why any decent man would rarely speak to the drunken pair of them!

You're out and safe, thank goodness.

pictish · 13/10/2014 12:14

They just sound like raging pissheads tbh...which is fine except for the fact that they get offensive and badly behaved when drunk. In their family this will be normal and acceptable.
I've known 'drinking families' like this before.

Stay out of it. Would be a terrible situation to 'marry into'.

Alsoflamingo · 13/10/2014 12:18

Good God. I have just caught up with the whole thread. To say I am gobsmacked and horrified is a massive understatement. I am not surprised you feel almost as if you must have imagined it, OP. There are no words, really….. I agree with many of the previous posters who have commented on how astonishingly mature and dignified you have been in the face of a truly unspeakable experience.

Sounds to me as if in a weird way your ex was trying to flag up his 'issues' when he 'warned' you about his father. Not meant in ANY way as an excuse. But my gut feeling is there is seriously alcoholism in that family and on one level he knows it is a big problem, but just isn't able to face up to it properly. You are WELL OUT of there.

Massive hugs. Thank God you can put the whole episode behind you.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 13/10/2014 14:30

The more I think about this the angrier I get. I really think the op was violated. No not physically, but with words, and as the law stands there is NOTHING she can do about it.

Pisses me off. A lot.

I hope you are okay op. Unless the ex gets shot of his dad he will always be alone, won't he? Who would put up with that?

Bambambini · 13/10/2014 16:12

Trying to think of my little working class, blue collar, council house living FIL behaving like that and nope, I can't - not in a month of Sundays. That is just not civilsed behaviour - quite stunned to think they think it's acceptable.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 13/10/2014 17:26

Instead, these were privately educated, wealthy, morons.

Drinking 25 pounds a bottle wine does not make you a better class of pissed person.

The boyfriend is apparently mortified. He doesn't remember any of it and said he left me down and can't say anything else as the whole thing is unacceptable. I'm paraphrasing a lot there.. but I believe him to mean it. Massive bunch of flowers also landed on my doorstep from interflora.

I'm not rolling over and saying it's all fine as it's really not.

Equally this was out of the blue and not like anything he had done so far, not even close

So I'm not quite sure what to do.

OP posts:
Bambambini · 13/10/2014 18:14

It's not easy just to walk away and LTB like everyone always posts but he seems to have form for this - doesn't sound like this was a crazy one off. I'm gobsmacked given his
age - I think of my brother, my husband and all our male friends -
this is not normal or acceptable
behaviour. He knew what the story
was and probably how it would go
and he still thought it was ok to treat
you like that.

DollyDreamboat · 13/10/2014 18:18

But he KNEW you were apprehensive because he warned you about his dad's behaviour! So then he just goes for it, right in front of you and now he's mortified?? My arse.

Fairenuff · 13/10/2014 18:25

Equally this was out of the blue and not like anything he had done so far, not even close

I imagine he does it every time. He just doesn't remember due to the amount of alcohol he drinks. Or he pretends to not remember because that suits him better.

Either way, you have seen the real him. He put you in a vulnerable position, possibly on purpose, and you're not sure what to do? Shock

Kick him to the kerb. No way can you accept this treatment, what are you thinking OP? No, no, no, no, no!

Awful, horrendous, horrible, misogynistic, offensive man.

ChelsyHandy · 13/10/2014 18:35

Bambanini That is just not civilsed behaviour - quite stunned to think they think it's acceptable. I agree, but I doubt it is all that unusual, behind closed doors. Certainly I've encountered plenty of men who presumably think leering and shouting abuse at women in the street is acceptable.

I was in my local public gym recently, and a group of older men were shouting and swearing including "f-ing C this and f-ing C that". I walked over to them and quietly asked them if they would mind not, and you would not believe the abuse I got. One was waving his finger and shouting in my face, I thought he was going to punch me. They made comments about my appearance and told me to "get a life" and that they were "all part of a happy family" there. Of course I told the staff at reception and they got thrown out, but this was men in their fifties, not drunk, at 8.30am in the morning!

Staywithme · 13/10/2014 18:44

Stay away from him OP. Think about it. How drunk were they all when a previous girlfriend sucked his father's toe? Did he say if he stopped it? Why would another girlfriend end up going out with his brother? This is NOT a one off. He's full of shit if he dares to suggest it is. He warned you before hand about his father but thought it was acceptable to get pissed, knowing his father would be abusive. He left you in a very vulnerable position. What would have happened if his father decided you were far game? Was he in any position to protect you? This is a family of alcoholics and you may well end up as one too if you get entrenched with them. After a while this drinking will seem ok to you. Stay clear.

DollyDreamboat · 13/10/2014 18:52

I think you would be absolutely crazy to have him back Shock

I've forgiven some stupid shit in my time, but the evening that you described was shocking.

You know that old adage that if someone shows you who they are... believe them...?

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 13/10/2014 18:53

Actions not words OP.

Knowing what his father was like, apparently deriding it, he still decided instead it was acceptable in front of the woman he claims to love?

This is a highly dysfunctional family whatever way you cut it. You and your DC deserve way more.

pictish · 13/10/2014 18:54

I knew you'd cave.
It's entirely up to you...you know him where we do not.
But I had hoped it would take more than tardy old Interflora to make you crumble.

PedantMarina · 13/10/2014 18:54

Not out of the blue. He knew enough about it to warn you beforehand.

And it's not like anything he's ever done before in front of you. And you've only been with him for four months. And this was the first occasion where it could/would have happened.

When the bottles of wine chips were down, he picked a side, and it wasn't yours.

You sort of glossed over the following at the time: you had gone from (pre-dinner) resolving to drive there and stay sober to (update afterwards) leaving your car at his and taking a taxi. Some posters were blaming you for this, but I had wondered to what extent this wasn't your choice in the first place, whether you'd been able to assert yourself around the BF.

And now, because of a profuse "I'm mortified" apology and a large bouquet, you're second-guessing yourself, and in danger of forgetting your disgust at the whole treatment.

What you do now is crucial: if you accept this behaviour once, it's going to happen again and again. You know that in your brain. You need to absorb that in your heart and soul.

LittleBearPad · 13/10/2014 18:58

Don't sell yourself short with this bloke.

I bet he just doesn't remember what happens every time he's with his dad so he can pretend he's a nice guy - he isn't.

ZombiePartridge · 13/10/2014 19:00

Yy to PedantMaria's last paragraph.

Please don't be swayed by his pleas. Although if you are, I doubt you'll be the first.

DollyDreamboat · 13/10/2014 19:07

I never usually try and persuade people to LTB. But on this occasion, you were FURIOUS when it happened! And you just don't seem like the type to accept this kind of behaviour. Just don't.

BMW6 · 13/10/2014 19:07

OP - he wasn't possessed by some alien force - this is part of who he is.

He is fucked up. No doubt as a result of appalling role model from his Father, but you can't fix him.

Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Don't look back. Save yourself from a world of heartache and abuse.