To not want to meet nor have any clue how to handle this sexist arse?

[Vintagecrap]

I am meeting the boyfriends father tomorrow. I have been pre warned that he is rather sexist and is known for offending people.
He will refer to woman as ' look at that little machine' and ' the bird likes x, does she'

The boyfriend says that he would probably be diagnosed with some condtion nowadays, but as it is he is 60 ish and it isnt going to happen, and that in some ways his behavoior has led him to be successful as he has done very well for himself in terms of career and wealth.

All of his previous girlfriends have hated him, bar one, who let him suck her toes once ( and i cant imagine a situation where this would even happen)

The brother is also going to be there, he doesnt work, lives like a hermit, lives off family money and rarely speaks.

Normal course of the evening is to get awfully drunk, argue about politics and wave their arms around.

I really do not want to sit in the company of someone who thinks im a ' machine' because i happen to have boobs and a vagina.
I have no idea how to handle it at all really.

I know no family is perfect, but at least mine made my boyfriend feel welcome and he was sent home with a ton of food and cake.

So true Vintage - seems wrong for the sending of lovely flowers to have a causal connection with drunken men singing about cunts and being sick.

Still, try to set that aside and enjoy the flowers. They aren't just linked to him and what happened, they've being growing somewhere just for you to enjoy.

You sound great. He sounds out of his depth. I bet he thinking...um, how it happened...what does she mean how it happened...?

What worries me is that you haven't made a decision yet I honestly think it's a no-brainer.

ribena, you dont warrant any kind of reply, you have already proven yourself to be a bit of an arse.

of course i know it has happened before, sure as hell it happens everytime he sees his dad. The only thing that was different this time, was that i was there and as said earlier, i do not take well to shit behavior.

He said he forgot how bad his dad is, as he is just used to him and, to be fair to him, the dad ripped into both brothers too, it wasnt just aimed at me. The dad has fallen out with most of his family and friends because of how he is. but the boyfriend says he just laughs it off. Apparently one girlfriend ( about 10 years ago, and she was in her early 20's) just said he was a piss head. One only met him once and didnt say anything and one hated him, but she hated everyone, so he didnt take any notice.

So, there is that, but that makes no sense still.

Then there is the fact that he drunk so much, that he was activley joining in with his dad. when he has just said he knows that his dad has issues. He was so out of control.

I feel all angry again now.

temporary - yeah, i think he is out of his depth, he hasnt got a clue what t say really and a ' sorry' doesnt cut it

I think, until he has firm plans/ things he can say about it, and how its not going to happen again, then there isnt really anything i can say either. It was him, his responsibility and his behavior.

It would be very easy for him to talk you into carrying on this relationship, I can tell.

It would be very easy for us to talk you into it too. Aw, poor guy. He's had a terrible role model growing up, he didn't know any better. He was probably so happy that you were there with him that he had a little too much to drink this time. He would never in a million years behave like that sober, so perhaps all he needs to do is cut back on the alcohol.

Everyone deserves a second chance, this is just one mistake, in all those months. He sounds really, really sorry. He says this was a one off and has promised it won't happen again. Why throw away a great relationship over one little slip up.

There you go OP, just to balance it out for you.

Words are easy aren't they.

Of course they are. Which is why I can't make any decision.

It's actions that are telling.

vintage, it is hard to turn feelings off. I imagine that up until Saturday you thought you might have a future with this guy, so it is sad.

However, the only real answer you can give him is: I can't stay with someone who is capable of behaving like such a sexist drunken arse, because I believe I deserve better than that.

Forgiving him and staying with him will send entirely the opposite message.

God yes. A friend of mine told me years ago "never judge someone by what they say, but by what they do" - and it has always stayed with me.

Talk is cheap...anyone can say the right combination of words to represent what they wish to convey, whether it be the truth or not. That's the easy part.
Following it through via their actions is what really speaks volumes.

OP I don't think you're daft for a man at all. I believe you when you say you're on top of this, and not for tolerating any shit.
He's got to come to realise and accept that his conduct, along with that of his father's, was deeply insulting...as in realise for and by himself, not just agreeing with you when you say it.

I will be interested to hear what transpires.

Yep its the actions that are telling alright

Then music went on and the boyfriend and daw turned into mad conductors for about 3 hours, manically banging on tables and waving their arms about. Music so loud no one could talk.

I did say we had to go home but the boyfriend and dad decided to sink the best part of a bottle of brandy and play a song about cunts and all the different words for cunt.

It's actions that are telling.

Yes, they are. Which is why there's no more to be said. That is, of course, if you actually are a person who 'does not take well to shit behaviour'.

Currently, you're sounding very much like a person who does indeed roll over and take shit behaviour. Makes a fuss, yes, but ultimately says 'Oh ok then - second chance'.

A person who voluntarily acted like he did - drunk or not - indeed, showing himself to be that sort of drunk in the first place - would get no second chances from me. I don't take well to twats.

He's not 'out of his depth' either, by the way. Sounds like he's been here before, and has talked himself out of it before. So he's just waiting and seeing. Because probably just like all the others, you 'can't make a decision' despite his absolutely awful behaviour.

Good luck

It always amazes me how many people are quick to say "dump him!" whenever someone's OH behaves like a twat. If I did that with my DH we'd split up a few times every year! Likewise, all these people telling her never to speak to him again, must have perfect partners who have never put a foot out of line!

People aren't perfect, they make mistakes (especially when there is alcohol involved!). A lot of the time, they deserve a second chance, and learn from the experience.

The OP will know in her heart if she should give this man one or not. She doesn't sound like she suffers fools gladly, so if she does decide to take him back, I'm sure she has thought long and hard about it, and won't tolerate such behaviour in the future.

OP, don't listen to the "dump him immediately" brigade. Do what you thinks right, but don't let anyone treat you like a mug, as the saying goes

"fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me."

lottie

He actually said, before vintage met his dad, that his dad was a sexist arse and that previous girlfriends had hated the man. Then he went and proceeded to emulate his dad, in glorious detail.

Add that to the fact that he's got a string of previous girlfriends in any case (most of whom probably followed your 'one more chance' advice) and the red flags are fluttering in the wind.

I'd go so far as to suggest that being told 'Sorry, this is simply unacceptable and a leaving offence - goodbye' might actually jolt him into a realisation of how shit his behaviour was.

Well I'm sorry your with a twat Lottie but if your partner pulls that sort of thing regularly you could probably do better

Lottie, if you decide to put up with shit behaviour just to hang on to a man then that's your lookout.

Fortunately, most women here seem to have standards.

Vintage, you sound like a nice person and you deserve so much better than this. Some behaviour is so bad that it's a deal breaker and there's no going back from it. This man has shown you who he really is and no bunch of flowers can compensate for the ordeal that you endured. Please, please don't give him another chance when you could meet a decent man who will ensure that he and his family treat you with respect.

This has been a brief relationship with a man who is absolutely horrible when drunk. Now it's time to move on.

In any relationship, meeting your partner's family for the first time is a stressful and potentially tricky event. So you would reasonably expect your partner to be helping everyone to be at ease and especially to be looking out for you.

OP's partner knows his father is a nightmare so should have been doubly looking out for OP.

OP, he's let you down spectacularly when you needed his support. If you continue the relationship expect to be let down again.

Zombie.... I'm not sure 4 girl friends ever,.including me....is a string of girlfriends.

I do think sometimes people like to twist things.

It is difficult as until now he has been great. If it was an unisolated incident, then I would immediately dump.

It isn't.

Which is why I can't decide and am just going to see what happens in the next few days and make a decision then.

That does not make me a crap person.

Ok, I apologise - it did sound like he'd had a few girlfriends but I see I got that wrong.

However, he's going to be on his best behaviour for the time being just in case you forgive him. Do you not see that?

IMO (and it's not much, but it's all I've got) you'd do better to tell him you deserve better, and break up with him. If you then meet him again in a few months/years (don't know if this is feasible as I don't know how big your community is) and he's full of stories of how things have improved, that would be a different situation. But right now, if he doesn't actually seem to be saying anything other than 'I'm sorry', then it doesn't imply that he has a clue what to do or how to stop it happening again. Worse, you might be turned into the nagging girlfriend in his eyes, the one who stops him having fun.

I think dumping now and cutting losses, while painful, seems a lot emotionally cleaner.

Of course he us going to be on his best behaviour. I'm not stupid.

Like I said up thread ... unless he can work out why it happened, he can't assure me it won't happen again. And until we reach that point, there will be no getting back.

He is saying a lot more than just sorry and we need to talk about it.

If it was an unisolated incident, then I would immediately dump.

OP you seemed to be under the impression that this has only happened once. But from what you've said here, it does sound like it has happened before. It's just that he left out his part and put the full blame on his dad.

Think about it for a moment. He claimed not to remember what he did until you told him. So, if he can't remember what he is doing, how can he say he hasn't done it before?

The only positive thing I can think of for you staying with him is that you will be sparing some other poor woman from having to endure similar experiences

But, of course, it's up to you. If you want to be with a man who's idea of a pleasant social evening is shouting out different slang terms for female genitals, then you go for it

I wonder if you are dating the son of my ex-boss, who sounds incredibly like your DH's father. He didn't happen to work in the NHS, did he?

The issue for me is the way your DP imitates his father - it suggests a weakness of character that I would find difficult because it suggests that he'd be ready to chuck away his principles due to peer pressure. How can you be sure which 'version' of him is real? I would worry a lot about how firm his values really are, how much I could trust him etc.

The dad is a consultant for his own company. So, no..

I don't think you're stupid, but it's easy to forget that there are oft-repeated behaviour patterns when it concerns someone you care about - you want to believe they are genuinely contrite and willing to change. But change is so hard, and people tend to be very resistant to it even whilst talking about it earnestly. I know that I don't tend to make changes to my behaviour, even when I know I need to, until really really pushed (either due to my own conscience or circumstance).

Your partner sees his Dad once every month/6 weeks. That's actually quite frequent, to me. His dad and brother are all the family he's got, and I bet he would be reluctant to change the current relationship with them in anyway out of fear that they may drift apart. So even if he does behave better with you, I would bet you a lot of money that when he returns to his dad he'll behave just the same - either to please his dad or because that's who he really is.

In any case, the dad sounds irremediable, so I doubt you'll want to see him again and I bet you don't want him in your life (however tangentially) long-term. The thing is, if your partner wants to keep his dad around then that will be an obstacle between you, however carefully ignored. I doubt you'd want kids with any man that had THAT parent in his life, so if you were planning to have any more kids then your partner may not be a good bet.

Anyway, I get the impression I've annoyed you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just know from experience how hard it is to turn away from someone who is pleading for a chance, and how bitterly you beat yourself up when you realise it would have been better if you had.