to feel anxious about befriending his wife?

[cakepopbakeshop]

I have had a lot of very serious mental health problems over the years and very difficult times. For over ten years I have been able to contact a former colleague and rely on him always to be there, through my ups and downs, nearly always on email. He's been a fantastic listener, supportive just be being there and not judging, and, since I had my DCs and he had his, we have exchanged presents and cards etc. As I have got stronger, my emails have been more about everyday life, plans etc. and he never fails to respond. I continue to be in touch with him about 3 times per week.

I have met his wife briefly twice and - I may be wrong -but she has seemed a bit hostile. I don't know what he has told her about me, he is a really trustworthy person so probably wouldn't tell her my whole life story. I am going to visit them again soon with my DCs and I really want to "befriend" her, I feel this is important for my friendship with him to go forward.

I don't want to be perceived as a threat or in any other negative way. Besides not being sure of the best way of befriending her, other than relaxed chatting about subjects of interest to all of us, I do feel anxious about it. I suppose I feel, worse case scenario, that if she didn't like me, he might stop emailing out of respect for her. When I put that on paper, it sounds a bit far-fetched.

I over-analyze my own motives in this friendship all the time too. I am quite confident that I don't fancy him, but I love him as a friend, for sure.

Three times a week seems an awful lot. You refer to him as a former colleague , is not just a friend? A very good friend if you have that level of contact, I don't have that much contact with my best mate!

You say you contact him and he responds, is it always that way round, you start and he follows or would he call you a friend too?

I think it's really inappropriate that you rely on him so much, it's no wonder she is a bit hostile. Yes he is your friend but given that you hardly know his wife, should you be having that much contact with him?

I agree that 3 times a week is a lot. I'm not surprised the wife seemed hostile to you.

Are you receiving counselling, or are you using this ex-colleague as a sort of counsellor?

I wouldn't be overly thrilled at my DH emailing a woman he used to work with three times a week to be honest. I'm not a particularly jealous type - well not at all really but this wouldn't seem appropriate to me.

When you say you want to move your friendship forward what do you mean?

You're basically planning to use the wife as a means of continuing your friendship with her husband.

You must surely realise that this isn't a nice thing to do?

I'd be pissed off if I was her too. Few women want their partners having that kind of emotionally intimate relationship with another woman.

Ummm... That's quite a lot and you saying you rely on him to be there always doesn't make it seem any better. I'm not usually the jealous type but my hackles would be well and truly raised by this. I wouldn't think its appropriate at all and yes , I'd probably be having an honest chat to DH about what's going on. You can't rely on somebody else's partner like this.

Not surprised his wife is wary. I wouldnt want a depressed person offloading on to my partner three times a week.

That level of need from you is possibly too much now. Only he can really tell you.
Saying you want to befriend her to continue your relationship with him sounds pretty calculating. Do you have a dp?

What do you see happening when you befriend her? Is it the prelude to you all meeting up in person lots more? Do you want to get to know her better just to facilitate seeing her husband more? What are the things you like about her?

I think you'd be better posting this in mental health as you're getting unkind replies

In all honesty if a former colleague of DH's was initiating contact with him 3 times a week to offload, I wouldn't be thrilled either.

I have a couple of male friends who I support, they support me. At very bad points in our lives there have probably been three emails a week. That might last a month then back down to normal again. I don't email my BF or my DM that much and that level of reliance on anyone may not be fabulous. What if something happened to him?

On the DW... I don't expect either of the wives to particularly like me. I'm FB friends with one and no contact with the other. One of them wasn't wildly keen on me because she was a little worried about male/female friendships. I was nice, DH and I never gave her anything to worry about and it's all fine now. I'm sure she wouldn't be OK if we were emailing 3 times a week.

I think you need to consider ways in which you can wind down what could be seen as over-reliance on this ex colleague. You sensed hostilty from his wife, do be mindful that your needs have quite possibly have impacted on their marriage.

Maybe talk to your GP and find a formal counsellor?

This feels an awful lot like an emotional affair. I'd be very upset if I were the wife.

What sort of thing does he email back with? Does he share equally about his own life?Does he tell you things about his wife?

I think you need to consider getting professional counselling or support- reliance like this on one person seems unwise to me. If you need that kind of support 3 x per week for an extended period, I think you need to access further services.

I'm not saying you can't off-load to friends or use them for support- that's what friends are for, after all. But you need to have other sources of support.

As for his wife- I think it might be nice to be on speaking terms with her. However, if you are only "befriending" her to get closer, and more reliant upon, her husband then I don't think that's particularly fair.

Being really honest, I wouldn't be hugely comfortable with an ex-colleague/friend having the level of reliance on my DH that you have on this man. I would be worried about what your expectations are and the amount of time and emotional energy being expended on you.

If I then thought you were trying to "befriend" me because you wanted more time with him and saw that as a way to get it, I would be quite annoyed. You should only seek to be her friend if you actually like her and enjoy being in her company for her own sake. If you don't really get on/have little in common, I think you'd be best aiming for being friendly/polite acquaintences, rather than "friends".

I think it would be best for all concerned if you backed right out of this relationship.

If, as you say, you are stronger now, this might be the right time to give it a break. Certainly his DW is never going to be your friend!

You need a professional Councillor. I am sure his wife wants you less in their lives not more in it.

I'm sorry OP, really, for your situation, but I would be a bit hostile as well if it were my husband as well. I wish I could be more open minded, but the amount of contact, gifts, emails...it just wouldn't sit well with me either. If I had someone trying to befriend me being the wife, frankly I wouldn't be pursuing this relationship, and would be questioning my husband as well.

I'm afraid I agree that your reliance on this man is way beyond anything most wives would find acceptable. Sorry your life is difficult at this time but really it is terribly unfair and selfish of you to rely on this man so much and also to try and befriend his wife. Not surprised she isn't keen. I'd back off.

I wouldn't be pissed off.

DP has a female friend who relies on him a lot. He tries to visit her at least once a day for a brew and goes round at least once a week for a drink and a proper chat. Their friendship is 14 years old, if they wanted to shag then they have done before I came along. I trust DP.

On the other side I have a male friend who relies on me a lot. He has severe social anxiety and we text every day. Sometimes I will get out of bed to ring him and calm him down if he is having a panic attack. Very rarely he will come round for a drink and a chat or if DP is working we sometimes go to his pub together and sit at the bar chatting. Our friendship is 8 years old, DP likes him and trusts me.

But

I tell DP everything, and he tells me everything, things stay as a secret between us but we don't keep any secrets from each other.

I couldn't be with someone who didn't trust me, as my friend is important to me. DP has broken up with people in the past because they didn't like his friendship.

I love being in a relationship that's so full of trust that I can talk to who I want without worry of being accused of things I would never do.

I also love being able to trust my DP.

I'd be a bit 'wtf' if DP was having that much contact with an ex-work mate.

Not that I would def think there was something untoward going on, more that I think it's a bit innaproproate to be providing so much emotional support to someone else. Sounds a bit like you could do with paid therapy.