to feel anxious about befriending his wife?

[cakepopbakeshop]

I have had a lot of very serious mental health problems over the years and very difficult times. For over ten years I have been able to contact a former colleague and rely on him always to be there, through my ups and downs, nearly always on email. He's been a fantastic listener, supportive just be being there and not judging, and, since I had my DCs and he had his, we have exchanged presents and cards etc. As I have got stronger, my emails have been more about everyday life, plans etc. and he never fails to respond. I continue to be in touch with him about 3 times per week.

I have met his wife briefly twice and - I may be wrong -but she has seemed a bit hostile. I don't know what he has told her about me, he is a really trustworthy person so probably wouldn't tell her my whole life story. I am going to visit them again soon with my DCs and I really want to "befriend" her, I feel this is important for my friendship with him to go forward.

I don't want to be perceived as a threat or in any other negative way. Besides not being sure of the best way of befriending her, other than relaxed chatting about subjects of interest to all of us, I do feel anxious about it. I suppose I feel, worse case scenario, that if she didn't like me, he might stop emailing out of respect for her. When I put that on paper, it sounds a bit far-fetched.

I over-analyze my own motives in this friendship all the time too. I am quite confident that I don't fancy him, but I love him as a friend, for sure.

She doesn't want to be seen as a threat. So the obvious answer is to befriend the wife to reassure her. There is no hidden agenda. It's not creepy.

As someone who has mental health problems and have needed support I completely and utterly understand.

My take on her "befriending" the wife is about it not being a secret friendship and her not being excluded from it in the way the wife is at the moment. When you have mental health issues it is so so so so difficult to believe that people may like you (on any level) so although her former colleague has been an invaluable source of support the fear that the his wife may say it has to stop is HUGE.

It's often actually easier to tell someone who isn't emotionally involved but knows you (which a therapist doesn't) about how you are feeling, especially by email.

I think so many of the replies on here have been overly harsh through ignorance tbf.

I'm coming from the default position in that I trust my husband and he trusts me. I would find it hard being in a relationship without trust. Obviously many others don't have this so are coming to it from another angle.

Maybe the wife is justified in being concerned, but it doesn't sound it to me from the op. She just sees him as a good friend and doesn't want to jeopardise that by upsetting the wife. Befriending her seems an obvious solution to reassure her. But she is understandably anxious about this.

It's just a bit too one-sided to qualify as what I'd call a friendship bouttime. It's all about her messaging him for either support or validation. I don't get the sense he's asking for the same back.

Which makes me wonder what he is getting out of the friendship. Ten years is a long time.

So your ex-colleague is your support and crutch, he totally gets you, and you feel like you have to befriend the wife to keep full access to him ? Sound slightly manipulative.

I hope he does not have any rabbit.

Maybe you are right saucy but maybe they are just good friends. We don't know.
She said he always responds but maybe it's not always her initiating it. Three times a week is a continuous conversation.

How any female friendships would happen like this, even if is her mainly initiating it? Nobody would question it if they were both female.

We can also turn it around. Ten years is a long time. He rarely sees her. If he was wanting more than friendship, wouldn't he have given up by now or trying to engineer more meetings!

This is an unusual amount of emotional investment for any friendship never mind it being with another woman. Surely you can see this? If you are truly a good friend you will respect the boundaries that your friendship has to have and be respectful of the most important relationship in his life - with his wife. Perhaps you should be seeking outside support from a professional during the tough times and tone it down a little bit. He sounds like a kind man and is perhaps reluctant to ask you to back off a bit as he would be worried about upsetting you and has discussed this with his wife. It may well be that they both find you a little full on but are afraid to say so but because she is not as emotionally involved she is less concerned about letting you know her feelings. Even if she is the jealous type, it's not going to help if you persist in forcing a friendship and it will just make life difficult for him.

Move your friendship forward - on top of lenghty & frequent emails with a married man & a couple of visits already with your children? No wonder she is hostile to be frank. What do you envisage - dinners, days out holidays together? I think she might have been fine with just the emails but this, understandably might be a step too far. You risk alienating him because she may well put her foot down.
You say you are better but seem to be clinging more , what does your counsellor say about it? i Its understandable you like the attention and friendship but he isnt single and i think some boundaries if he has a wife are to be expected and needed. I do appreciate your mental health issues can be isolating - i have had same and found my counsellor the only truly supportive one. Others had limits as to support/time they could offer - which is totally understandable.

Three times a week is an unusual amount of emotional investment for any friendship. Wow. Really?
Then I'm very thankful for my friends. And the fact that they value me in their lives even if they do have a partner. I must be an amazing friend too, as I'd be around for as much support as they needed.

Suggesting that anyone wondering about the wisdom of this relationship must be a terribly jealous controlling wife is nonsense.

The relationship does sound one sided and overly dependent. My DH has female friends and I am very relaxed about him being in contact as much as he likes - they are his friends.

But the op is expecting the man to keep private elements of their friendship in order to respect her privacy and her language about his wife does make it sound as if she seeks a relationship with her only to further and support her relationship with this man.

I don't doubt it is all innocent and I don't believe the op is intentionally manipulative. But I woukdn't expect the wife to want to make the friendship stronger - she may but it doesn't seem likely if she is already seeming hostile. I think the op should find ways to give their marriage more space and expand her support system rather than seek ways to cement this man as her main source of friendship and support.

No one is wrong here. I just wonder if the needs of the three people involved can continue to be met if the op tries to cement the relationship further.

Well perhaps not 24/7 but certainly a lot more than three emails a week.

I don't know what he has told her about me, he is a really trustworthy person so probably wouldn't tell her my whole life story.

She hasn't asked him to keep it private.

I trust my DH; he trusts me.

I would not be thrilled at him having possibly long and detailed email conversations with anyone three times a week (and the OP implies that it used to be more, perhaps much more).

That's three email conversations worth of time, emotion and energy that he should be spending on his family, not a former colleague. Fine
in a crisis, not for 10 years.

Yes it may backfire but I can understand why the op wants to try. I don't think there are any ulterior motives.

Who really knows though? I just think some people are reading too much into it and I'm trying to give a balanced view.

Yes, 3 times per week would be really unusual for both DH and me. Less unusual before children; less unusual at times when I was on maternity leave. But now, with 3 young children and both working FT we just don't have many resources left to give to anyone outside our family.

"I'm just trying to give a balanced view"

Oh, ok. As opposed to my attempt to post purely through a veil of private bitterness and myopic point scoring.

That's three email conversations worth of time, emotion and energy that he should be spending on his family, not a former colleague

Surely anyone could say that about any friendship. Are people not allowed friends because they should spend all their time focusing on their family?

Weird how some people think. Or does it still boil down to the fact that opposite sexes can't just be friends for ten years without an ulterior motive?
In which case you don't trust your partner.

pag I've said you may be right. But we just don't know.

Nothing to do with opposite sexes. Or sex at all. I would actually be getting unhappy if DH spent that much time exchanging emails with, say, his sister.

It's purely sheer volumes involved.

Of course people are allowed friends. As I said before, fine in a crisis but not for 10 years.

You'd be upset at three emails to his sister? Wow!

Bouttimeforwine

But tbh I'm still Not sure what part of my post you are taking issue with though. I've said I think it's all innocent . That just doesn't mean it's problem free - obviously.

No, of course I wouldn't be upset at 3 emails to his sister.

I probably exchange 3 emails with his sister in most weeks.

I would be upset by 3 lengthy and emotionally charged email conversations with his sister every week single for 520+ weeks.

Pag I wasn't talking just about you. Actually I thought you did come across as quite balanced. I only took issue with you saying she asked him to keep it private.
There, we probably agree more than we disagree!

Hi, male here.

For years I supported a very fragile, vulnerable female friend who required a good deal of reassurance throughout university and just after. Low self-esteem, not particularly emotionally strong. I also supported a female friend whose behaviour became somewhat erratic after a sexual assault. It should be noted that I was single throughout the period.

In neither case was I attracted to either, nor did I get much from it beyond knowing that I was helping someone. The former friend is now married with kids and we haven't spoken in ages - the latter introduced me to my current girlfriend and her current partner and we are all good friends.

Sometimes, maintaining communications with these friends was almost burdensome, but there are somethings you just do to help people because to do otherwise would make you a callous, uncaring d*ckhead.

I am very surprised, and more than a little saddened, about how many posters want their partner to be the kind of person who turns their back on people in need. Why? Do you trust them that little?