to feel anxious about befriending his wife?

[cakepopbakeshop]

I have had a lot of very serious mental health problems over the years and very difficult times. For over ten years I have been able to contact a former colleague and rely on him always to be there, through my ups and downs, nearly always on email. He's been a fantastic listener, supportive just be being there and not judging, and, since I had my DCs and he had his, we have exchanged presents and cards etc. As I have got stronger, my emails have been more about everyday life, plans etc. and he never fails to respond. I continue to be in touch with him about 3 times per week.

I have met his wife briefly twice and - I may be wrong -but she has seemed a bit hostile. I don't know what he has told her about me, he is a really trustworthy person so probably wouldn't tell her my whole life story. I am going to visit them again soon with my DCs and I really want to "befriend" her, I feel this is important for my friendship with him to go forward.

I don't want to be perceived as a threat or in any other negative way. Besides not being sure of the best way of befriending her, other than relaxed chatting about subjects of interest to all of us, I do feel anxious about it. I suppose I feel, worse case scenario, that if she didn't like me, he might stop emailing out of respect for her. When I put that on paper, it sounds a bit far-fetched.

I over-analyze my own motives in this friendship all the time too. I am quite confident that I don't fancy him, but I love him as a friend, for sure.

I think the difference is that you were single during those periods.

The way I see it is this:

There are 168 hours in the week.

DH spends 56 hours per week sleeping, so that leaves 112 hours.

DH spends 60 hours per week at work or commuting, so that leaves 52 hours.

Because we both work FT, we spend our weekends having quality time with the children and catching up on chores. The children are awake from 6am until 8pm so that's 28 hours - say 30 hours taken up at the weekend. That leaves 22 hours.

Then there's the time spent on chores during the week - that's another 10 hours say. That leaves 12 hours. 12 hours of my DH's week that he has free for relaxing, hobbies, his extended family - and me.

My week looks pretty much the same.

Suppose that the email conversations with the OP were taking up 3 hours in total per week. That's 25% of DH's free time gone. Or, in other words, about the same amount of his time that I get now.

And this has been going on for 10 years.

All I'm saying is - I can see why the relationship between the OP and this man might be too much for his wife.

I don't for one minute think the husband should turn his back on his friend who he has supported for 10 years - that would just be callous and cruel and not the way you treat someone in need who you've known all this time.

However, it seems to me as if the OP is wanting more from this man (she wants to move the friendship 'forward') and I don't mean from that, that she has romantic or emotional intentions, I mean she wants even more support from him and is that really fair on his wife and marriage? Shouldn't she be looking for some outside help so as not to upset his wife? The OP obviously guesses there might be a problem because she has said the wife came across as a little hostile, hence wanting to befriend her to keep the contact with her husband.

And, of course, before we had children then the 30 hours at the weekend was far less, so more time free to spend on friends, hobbies, extended family and me!

I did see the other thread and nearly everyone disapproved of the huge amount of e-mails. If the wife is hostile why does the OP not back off instead of trying to ingratiate herself further with the wife and family. Faced with this kind of determination I'd be furious if I was the wife. And a lot of people whose husbands/wives have affairs trust them up until the affair. So all this if you only trusted your husband doesn't wash with me I'm afraid. Seen too many betrayed people.

" I am very surprised, and more than a little saddened, about how many posters want their partner to be the kind of person who turns their back on people in need. Why? Do you trust them that little? "

I wouldn't expect him to turn his back on someone in their hour of need. But after ten years- hell yes, I'd be thinking it was time I got my partner back and whoever it was moved on to more appropriate or professional means of support.

I freely admit to being the jealous type anyway. My ex had a long-standing emotional/sexting affair (at the very least), and it'll be a chilly day in Hell before I'll be made to feel like the runner-up in my own relationship again. If that makes me bitter or callous then so be it.

Is this a reverse AIBU?

I am very surprised, and more than a little saddened, about how many posters want their partner to be the kind of person who turns their back on people in need. Why? Do you trust them that little?

No, but as other have said I see my DP for so little time anyway that I would find it hard to understand why he maybe wanted to spend so much time and emotional energy on someone outside the family unit.

My dh has a close female friend for over 20 years. We've been married 15 years. During that time he has (very much with my blessing) gone on holiday with her without me, flown out to support her when her parents died (she was abroad at the time) without me, and been in regular email/phone contact. Of course men and women can be friends, that's not the issue.

It's the sheer amount of time, over a protracted period, that he has supported you. And yes I agree with other posters that you do seem to want to befriend her in order to maintain your friendship with him and not lose your support. And for all you know she has been supporting him while he has supported you - being a shoulder to cry on can be draining even when it is offered very willing. So she might be thinking 'enough is enough' and she would rather - for his sake - you didn't lean on him so much.

Wow - surprised so many women feel this way about male-female friendships. Why should what gender you are dictate who you can or cannot be friends with when you're in a relationship? Surely, if a relationship isn't based on trust, then what's the point? Sad that it seems to influence people so much.
OP, YANBU.

It doesn't sound healthy. OP you need a professional counsellor not a married man with his own family to worry about.
The frequency of the phonecalls is too much.

And I'm surprised how selfish people are, demanding that their other halves limit their friendships because they want it all to be about me, me, me.

Has he said anything to you to make you feel he might be pulling away or the friendship is drifting? It seems strange if you've been to see him before with your family and he hasn't invited his. Or is this the first in a long while getting together. Also that after ten years you are worrying.

I would seek other help and support, especially is him pulling away would leave you up shit creek. You don't want to be reliant or dependent on any one person unless it's yourself because if he does pull away -be it for whatever reason including his.personal life going to.shit- you'll be thrown in the deep end.

If you want to genuinely befriend this woman then you have to.be yourself, she'll see through fakery and it will go against you. Plus if she wants to.befriend you.it will be the real you. Which is how it should be. Be friendly. Talk and listen, so important.

I'm going to say it again because it doesn't seem to have got through - it's not about trust and it's not about gender.

And it's not about wanting it all to be about me, me, me.

I do, however, want a reasonable chunk of my DH's time and energy. I am, after all, his life partner.

Did you see my figures above? 3 hours per week could easily take up all of my DH's me free time after all his other commitments.

I) is she actually hostile or just a bit shy round someone she doesn't know very well in person -

2. If you've required a lot of support during the time they have been together - that would have required an explanation to her and I'd be very surprised if he didn't share your mental illness to explain why you needed support - is she uncomfortable around because she knows about your past?

3. Has your contact been negatively been impacting on his mental health with his wife picking up the pieces - had this with a close uni friend. I knew and liked the guy and we were supportive for years - but after contact DH would be very down and upset - it was a relief when after 15 years he started pulling back saying it was just too depressing ( he had family support and we had tried).

4. Have you been negative about her to him over the years ?

DH uni friend would find fault with me sitting round doing nothing - I was on ML leave and he was unemployed - and when I after moving for DH career I was home full time with DC. I was given cards by DH from friend to read with snide comments and was co-incidentally about with DH knowledge and heard him defending me. I think part of it was jealousy - the DC and I represented DH moving and and friend wasn't but despite knowing him and liking him - I really didn't appreciate it.

5. Has he over shared about couple argument? - we both made that mistake to our families and people taking side never helped - or have you offered advice?

One of DH close childhood friends wife had DC before me - and I'm sure she meant well but the unsolicited advice was a huge irritation and MIL quoted her at length to me for years which was very upsetting. I got on ok with her before now I am very polite and distance - because for years it drove me up the wall.

6. Is it a relationship stuck in you take he gives?

We had bad things happen to us - DH uni friend completely indifferent friend he grew up with would at least phone and talk to DH even if he could offer no practice help.

7)Are you sure now the conversations are equal ?

I have family member who cursory ask about our lives and DC but it's just and excuse to talk about themselves or their DC. It upsets me - DH wonders why I let it happen as he deals with the upset.

8. Is he pulling back - and that is the reason to suddenly befriend his wife ? Time is a scarce commodity with DC - are you just being too demanding?

You can try befriending her but it's more than possible you aren't perceived as a threat but a big irrigation - so I'd be prepare for rejection and try and look for other sources of support just in case that happens.

YANBU to be nervous about plan to befriend her.

Honestly I do proof read -

by DH from friend to read with snide comments and was co-incidentally about when DH was talking on the phone to uni friend and DH knew I was there and I heard DH side of conversation were he ended up many time defending me.

Especially annoying as I'd wanted to get back to work eventially after move but childcare costs and DH long hour were a block to that and move was for DH career and I was struggling to cope new area and two very young DC.

Honestly irrigation - irritation

I give up - I'll go do something useful.

I'm not having a go OP - just think threat might not be the issue and other RL support is going to be better for you.

I'd feel the same if it was a male friend. In fact DP does spend a lot of time with a newish male friend who's been having lots of work problems... And I might have been slightly annoyed about him having dinner with this guy yet again last night when we could have seen each other!

3 emails a week though? What's that - 15 minutes tops?

One of our group of friends has a dp that seems to resent any time spent with us. She always has to ask permission if you like, and he rings to see when she will be home. Often she has to leave us earlier than she wants to. TBH we all feel sorry for her. She also feels sorry for herself.

If you give people freedom then you know that the time spent with you is because they actually want to, rather than because they have to.

You are a really horrible bunch on this thread and do not show MN in the best light. OP has said she is feeling fragile and has MH issues yet you've all piled in and accused her of being a marriage wrecker and a user. Vile.

Right OP, I think you don't need to worry about your friends wife, if you both give cards to each other's kids, I would say you are what we would call family friends. In my life my DH has lots of friends that we don't see in person very much (he is German) but they the menfolk, talk on the phone/skype regularly and support each other through difficult times etc. eg. 1 of his (female) friends was widowed VV young and left with twin baby girls so we when over to help.

I stepped back because she needed DH more than me, it's been 5 years since her husband died. I'd just had DC1 and she still calls him about once a month and has a new partner.

My point is that when we are all together, I chat with her NP casually, but we understand it is not our friendship and that's fine. Couples can have separate friends.

Bouttimeforwine - so far your posts have described people like me, with a different viewpoint from yours as:

• untrusting
• sexist
• bad friends
• weird
• selfish
• in relationships where our OH's are spending time with us because they have to not because they want to.

I'm finding it offensive, TBH.

I tend to just assume that my partner and father of my child spends time with me because he wants to

If he ever gave me a reason to think he was spending time with me because he had to and would rather be with having a cosy night out /in chatting with another woman then he'd be out the door.

Healthy, secure relationships have boundaries whereby both members behave appropriately with members of the opposite sex IMO.

Healthy, secure relationships have boundaries whereby both members behave appropriately with members of the opposite sex IMO.

I agree completely, but what we are arguing about is where those boundaries lie. Each case is an individual one. There is nothing in the op to suggest that anyone has behaved inappropriately. They are just friends. The friends wife knows about it etc,

Now of course you may all be right and in my very first post I said that if he is attracted to her at all then the wife is very justified in being upset.
What I am arguing is the fact that we just don't know. Some of you are making massive assumptions.

If they are only friends then the op is perfectly ok to befriend the wife to reassure her that nothing untoward is going on. If there is any hint of innappropriateness then she is being unreasonable. We cannot say either way because the op has not come back and we don't know how the friend feels. Maybe he is backing away himself. But my point is - We do not know and therefore cannot make assumptions.

Sorry cinnabar - It's not personal. I just struggle to understand your pov just as you struggle to understand mine.

I've loaded the dishwasher so hopefully I can spell now - that how it works right

I think there is a huge and obvious difference in expecting your DP to seek and obtain permission from you to do things and resenting things that take away their attention and time from your relationship.

DH career is very demanding and I am supportive but times I have to ask him not to bring work home - or not to spend time on his hobbies for a bit - because otherwise we would no time together as a couple and even family time would go. I'm not trying to control him I'm trying to maintain the relationship - I think there a tendency to assume its chuntering away fine with no time or energy being spent on it.

I'm even not sure time or resentment of losing time are the issue here.

It could well be OP friends wife in previous meeting met and found OP not her cup of tea.

It's completely possible independent of his wife the friend could be pulling back emotionally or time wise or his own reasons and the OP is sensing this and her sudden response is to assume she a threat to the wife.

I'v has experience of DH family and friends assuming when he does stuff they don't like that it's come from me. A large proportion of those times it's completely his decision with little of no input from me - other times it's a joint decision but I'm blamed.