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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel anxious about befriending his wife?

153 replies

cakepopbakeshop · 09/10/2014 21:55

I have had a lot of very serious mental health problems over the years and very difficult times. For over ten years I have been able to contact a former colleague and rely on him always to be there, through my ups and downs, nearly always on email. He's been a fantastic listener, supportive just be being there and not judging, and, since I had my DCs and he had his, we have exchanged presents and cards etc. As I have got stronger, my emails have been more about everyday life, plans etc. and he never fails to respond. I continue to be in touch with him about 3 times per week.

I have met his wife briefly twice and - I may be wrong -but she has seemed a bit hostile. I don't know what he has told her about me, he is a really trustworthy person so probably wouldn't tell her my whole life story. I am going to visit them again soon with my DCs and I really want to "befriend" her, I feel this is important for my friendship with him to go forward.

I don't want to be perceived as a threat or in any other negative way. Besides not being sure of the best way of befriending her, other than relaxed chatting about subjects of interest to all of us, I do feel anxious about it. I suppose I feel, worse case scenario, that if she didn't like me, he might stop emailing out of respect for her. When I put that on paper, it sounds a bit far-fetched.

I over-analyze my own motives in this friendship all the time too. I am quite confident that I don't fancy him, but I love him as a friend, for sure.

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 10/10/2014 08:53

like hurricane I wouldn't be in the least bit concerned if my dp had that level of contact with a female friend! likewise he doesn't have an issue with me having that level of contact with my male friends. but then we have a relationship built on trust and not jealousy.

I think you might be better placed to ask him if his wife has any issues and perhaps approach it with her from the perspective of thanking her for letting her husband be so supportive and explaining that you would love it if you and her could get to know each other better

Only1scoop · 10/10/2014 08:58

But you only want to 'befriend' her to make your contact with your friend continue more easily....

Doesn't sit right somehow....

Almost like using someone

Roussette · 10/10/2014 09:01

You say it's important for you for your friendship to 'go forward'. In what way do you want it to go forward, what more do you want from this man? Also, is it a two way street, do you support him if he's having a difficult time?

I think you need to ask yourself - how would he describe the friendship with you to someone.
I wish to be gentle about saying this, but there is no easy way - you sound rather calculating in your desire to get his wife on side. Almost like you don't care a damn about her but will manufacture a fake friendship if you have to, in order to keep contact up with her husband. Sorry that wasn't gentle at all, but I didn't know how to say it.

Flywheel · 10/10/2014 09:10

I think you're getting a hard time op. I think wanting to befriend his wife does not sound calculating as others have suggested. I studied and worked in a male dominated for many years and have many long standing male friends, but the friendships that have endured are the ones where I have also become friendly with their partners, some of whom I would count as close friends now.
That's life. Whe someone marries they kind of come as a package, and if you can't get on with the partner, continuing the friendship becomes tricky.

AlpacaMyBags · 10/10/2014 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MindReader · 10/10/2014 09:23

I think perhaps you might find a quiet moment to say to his wife that you are conscious the time and energy he has offered your friendship may have impacted on 'family time' - you hope not as you have greatly appreciated it - but you realise 'family time' always comes first.

That you hope he feels able to share anything you have told him with her but you would be grateful if it stayed between them.

I would also speak about what other supports you have (or are arranging).

Then perhaps you could say that you would like to get to know her better (if you really would?).

How would that be?

MindReader · 10/10/2014 09:26

Sorry, posted too soon.

The above would give his wife reassurance (if she needs it) that you realise:

Family comes first
You are happy for him to share information with his wife if he/she wishes
You have other supports in your life and not just him

Then you can 'move on' with getting to know her too and them as 'a couple' as well.

It could be really positive!

kentishgirl · 10/10/2014 09:28

This doesn't sit too well with me either, OP.

I'm sure you are sincere when you mean that you are not after anything more than friendship with this man. And I know how great it is to have support from friends. And I don't find it odd for people in relationships to have friends of the opposite sex.

However...

He is more an acquaintance than a friend? And you've been leaning on him very heavily for ten years. I say he's an acquaintance because real friends don't mostly just email each other, they meet up, socialise, do normal friend stuff. I have online friends who I've known for several years and we've shared all sorts of things and supported each other, but it isn't the same thing as a real life friendship. This is taking up a lot of his time and emotional energy on an ex-colleague acquaintance. If I were his wife, no, I wouldn't be thrilled about this.

But let's say I'm wrong, and that the two of you really are genuine real life friends.
Why has so much of this been excluding his wife up to this point? Of course it's got her alarm bells ringing, badly. And I don't blame her at all. This has all the hallmarks of an emotional affair about to gear up. While I agree that people in relationships can have friends of the opposite sex, this is meant to not be to the exclusion of the partner. The reason the friendship stays only with the one original friend instead of developing into friendship with the couple, is if there's a reason those two people aren't really interested in each other. I have an unusual hobby, DP has no interest in it, I have male friends who are involved in it that I've known for 20 odd years. If DP wanted to, he could be friends with them too, but he isn't interested in that hobby. Likewise, DP is very into his sport and I've met some of his friends but wouldn't say that I've become friends with them or want to keep meeting them, talking about football is boring to me. And one of those friends of his is a young girl who plays pro football. I've maybe met her once in the past. The other month we were in a pub and she trots up, exclaims hi to DP, kisses him hello on the cheek, they chat for a bit, she trots off. I had no worries about that at all. But I don't feel comfortable with what you are doing...

The idea of 'befriending' the wife, in inverted commas so you mean fake friending, purely so you can increase access to this man, is really horrible and it's the thing that is ringing huge alarm bells to me. If he were genuinely a friend of yours, you'd have met her more, and tried to make friends with her in a natural way, not setting up trying to win her round for your own purposes.

fluffyraggies · 10/10/2014 09:34

If my DH was in contact with anyone 3 times a week i would very much expect to know the whole story OP. If that means your ''whole life story'' i'm afraid i'd want to know it.

While enjoying so much of this mans time and attention you AUBVU to expect him also to keep your details private from his wife. I do not think it's far fetched at all that if, at this point, when you are stronger and want to 'move forward' ''he might stop emailing out of respect for her''. He has given you lots of time. Back off now.

kentishgirl · 10/10/2014 09:35

x-posted with mindreader.

I think this is a great approach.

But be prepared for her to ask him, after this final attempt to get to know her, to scale down his involvement with you.

In any case, it sounds as though you really have to find other sources of support, professional or other friends, so you aren't relying so much on one person. To be honest, being someone's support in this way is incredibly draining for them. I'm wondering if he feels the need to withdraw from it a bit and has used his wife as an excuse to you, but you've jumped in with 'well I'll get to know her as well'. How did this sudden get together happen? Who suggested it? You or him?

You haven't said how long they have been married. If it's more than a year or so, I think it's been left far too late to convert this into a wider family friendship.

Hurr1cane · 10/10/2014 09:37

Fluffy is right though. I probably trust my DP because I do always get the full story. As does he. So either the wife knows your full life story, or she might have reason to feel a bit weird about it.

justmyview · 10/10/2014 09:40

I continue to be in touch with him about 3 times per week. This sounds like a lot to me

I really want to "befriend" her, I feel this is important for my friendship with him to go forward. I'd be very upset if I thought someone was only befriending me in order to maintain links with my husband

LemonadeRayGun · 10/10/2014 09:41

Another here who wouldn't be in the least bit concerned about my DH emailing someone a few times a week, male or female. I'd be pleased that my DH were kind and compassionate enough to be able to support a friend in their time of need.

However, there are many, many women out there who wouldn't like this (as the replies show!) there are a lot of insecure, jealous wives and partners, and sadly a lot of men who have made women feel this way. So I wouldn't be surprised if the wife isn't very fond of you to start with. But you have done nothing wrong. The best plan is to try and befriend the wife so she can see you are no threat.

BadcatBertram · 10/10/2014 09:42

Regardless of whether this friend is male or female, married or unmarried - the fact is you are using him as a crutch which in the long run, is not going to help your emotional welfare. It's comforting to have someone there 24/7 to support you but it's not allowing you to flourish on your own. Perhaps you need to speak to your GP about finding other coping mechanisms because this friend might not always be available. Best of luck.

magpiegin · 10/10/2014 09:42

I would want my husband to tell me everything (or even show me the emails) of someone he was having such a big amount of contact with. It sounds a bit odd, the whole getting to know her to move your friendship foreword. I would be wary if I was her.

Bouttimeforwine · 10/10/2014 09:44

I echo what mind said

It's worth thanking her for being so understanding and apologising if it has impacted on her anyway. Just be sincere. She will know if you are not. Confide in her a bit too. Then see how she responds to that. You can only play it by ear.

Are you sure he has no romantic feelings for you? If he has then I dont blame the wife for being hostile.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 10/10/2014 09:44

I've never understood why people get pissed off with this kind of thing.

DH has female friends, one of whom I know he sounds out when we're going through a rocky patch.

I have lots of male and female friends, one male one has just given me a lot of support - meeting up every day for about 2 weeks, as I've been going through a terrible time. I caught up with him and his DP this week and there was no anxiety there as it's just pure friendship nothing else.

I have lost one male friend, who I'd been good mates with for the best part of 20 years as his other half couldn't handle him having a close female friend, despite the fact I was married with children when we met. That's been one of my life's regrets, that we've lost touch because of her paranoia.

So back to you - yes, being on friendly terms with his wife would make the whole thing a lot easier on everyone as she wouldn't see you as a threat. Just don't bank on it thoug. As this thread has shown, too many women can't deal with their partners having female friends.

I do agree with one thing though. You do need to look for other means of support if possible. There's loads of MH support groups out there that you could look to join too.

Seafoam · 10/10/2014 09:47

I think you need to be less concerned with befriending her under the pretence of actually wanting to be her friend when really it's to protect your friendship with him, and focus on winding down this reliance you have on him. It's not good for anyone to be so reliant on anyone like that, especially with mental health problems.

SaucyJack · 10/10/2014 09:57

I wonder what he's getting out of this friendship? Either he's or a genuine saint, or he fancies you a bit and likes the idea of being your rescuer. Either way, I think you have probably been monopolising too much of a married man's emotional energy for too long.

Bouttimeforwine · 10/10/2014 09:59

I don't have mental health problems but I do have a couple of friends that I confide in and this is a very important aspect of my friendships. I'm there to support them and appreciate them being there for me.

I agree that as many forms of support as possible is best, but three conversations a week, mostly via email is hardly over reliance on a good friend is it? As long as he is happy to continue it.

You probably need to make it clear to both of them that you don't expect them to have secrets from each other though. Just to reassure her.

Bouttimeforwine · 10/10/2014 10:02

You don't have to be a genuine saint to be a good friend or he must fancy her.

Why can't they just be good friends?

SaucyJack · 10/10/2014 10:11

Read the OP bouttime. It doesn't really present as a balanced, platonic friendship to me tbh.

Bouttimeforwine · 10/10/2014 10:17

I've just read the op again. I still can't see what you are reading into it.

He's been a fantastic listener, supportive just be being there and not judging, and, since I had my DCs and he had his, we have exchanged presents and cards etc. As I have got stronger, my emails have been more about everyday life, plans etc. and he never fails to respond. I continue to be in touch with him about 3 times per week.

He was there through a bad time and now it's more general. The problem is?

Bouttimeforwine · 10/10/2014 10:19

And my first post did say that if he has got romantic feelings then I didn't blame the wife for being hostile. But we don't know that.
You can't assume either way.

Viviennemary · 10/10/2014 10:20

The problem is he is somebody else's husband. Whether or not an affair will start is beside the point. And I think this befriending the wife stuff is frankly a bit creepy. That is beyond the pale.

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