to feel anxious about befriending his wife?

[cakepopbakeshop]

I have had a lot of very serious mental health problems over the years and very difficult times. For over ten years I have been able to contact a former colleague and rely on him always to be there, through my ups and downs, nearly always on email. He's been a fantastic listener, supportive just be being there and not judging, and, since I had my DCs and he had his, we have exchanged presents and cards etc. As I have got stronger, my emails have been more about everyday life, plans etc. and he never fails to respond. I continue to be in touch with him about 3 times per week.

I have met his wife briefly twice and - I may be wrong -but she has seemed a bit hostile. I don't know what he has told her about me, he is a really trustworthy person so probably wouldn't tell her my whole life story. I am going to visit them again soon with my DCs and I really want to "befriend" her, I feel this is important for my friendship with him to go forward.

I don't want to be perceived as a threat or in any other negative way. Besides not being sure of the best way of befriending her, other than relaxed chatting about subjects of interest to all of us, I do feel anxious about it. I suppose I feel, worse case scenario, that if she didn't like me, he might stop emailing out of respect for her. When I put that on paper, it sounds a bit far-fetched.

I over-analyze my own motives in this friendship all the time too. I am quite confident that I don't fancy him, but I love him as a friend, for sure.

I think this means too much to you, OP, and that's the problem. In a helping relationship, there is intense vulnerability on the part of the person being 'helped' - this sounds like it's still there for you, to some extent. Also, you seem to be fine with rattling off emails three times a week and almost being grateful to your friend for replying...and aware that he would never choose to initiate three emails a week of his own accord. To me, that feels a bit coercive. If I'm doing something that the other person wouldn't choose to reciprocate, I'd be uncomfortable and all the gratefulness in the world wouldn't really disguise that for me, deep down. To be honest, my sense of self-worth and personal pride wouldn't stand for it either. But then I like to have a diverse life and as an adult, three times a week is a lot of contact with someone that you don't have a long-standing friendship with (no, you don't really I'm afraid - he has been there for you which is lovely, but you don't have a friendship in the sense that Roland does). It just all seems a bit intense and as if you've put far too much thought into all this - there's something very unbalanced about devoting so much time and energy to someone who simply 'enjoys hearing from you'. He sounds like a lovely, lovely guy but I would not want to see you desperately hoping that one day he will begin to become more vulnerable to you in return. Reading your replies, it does seem like you are quite happy to take the posts that validate your friendship and your hopes for it, while dismissing everything else as 'insecurity'. But many people would back off if they felt that someone was too eager, for whatever reason, whether for relationship with them or with their partner. That needn't be insecurity.

You sound more and more self-obsessed as this thread goes on tbh.

I say hello to my best friend's spouse if I see him when I pop round, but that's it. I certainly don't spend my time composing bullet points of all the reasons I fantasise he has for being jealous of me.

Perhaps she simply isn't interested in you or your personal problems.

Op you do sound extremely invested in seeking this friendship.

The options 1 2 3 4 etc....it's all very intense.

Can't you just enjoy your friendship for what it is?

I can't imagine why you think she'd want to go on family days out with you. Reading all your posts, you sound more like an ordeal to be endured than a threat tbh. I think that any attempt to wiggle your way further into their lives will probably result in her putting her foot down, she's been more than tolerant so far but there's only so much annoyance a person can take.

You're sensing hostility for a reason and it's not because she's impressed and delighted with her husbands indulgence of you. You need to find a life outside this man and his wife who doesn't like you. Your fantasies of the three of you are not based in reality, they're just thoughts in your head. You will be rejected if you try to push that on her.

I don't think three shortish chatty emails a week is necessarily too much... but the fact that all these exchanges, plus the face-to-face meet-ups, are initiated by you does ring slight warning bells. It sounds like you are much more invested in the friendship than he is.

In your position I think I would reduce the contact a little and see if he steps up in return, before trying to escalate the friendship further. At the moment you are very vulnerable to his wife thinking you're needy and overinvested in him... given that your mental health is now much better, it's maybe time to rethink the friendship a little.

My DH supported a friend of his who was struggling - she used to visit and they'd go to the pub for 3 hours to discuss her problem. That irritated me because it took up so much time. But I really liked her too, and she invited us both to parties etc. As it happened she dropped DH when her problem subsided but I wouldn't mind if their friendship had been like yours ANC would have welcomed the chance to get up know her better if that was easy. Like you she lives in another city so it wasn't easy, though, but I'd happily have her over any time.

I'd just go with your instincts and enjoy your supportive chats.

Thanks vvvoom that's what I'm gonna do.

newdawn You say you sound more like an ordeal to be endured than a threat tbh - do you realize how rude that sounds?!

But thanks all for advice, I feel I'm on the right track now Anyone who's had borderline personality disorder or severe anxiety disorder may have more insight into this dilemma than me but a lot of you have been so helpful without (presumably) those insights!

d'oh - may have more insight into this dilemma than others but...

Not so different OP as she was claiming to be platonic, leaning on DH for frequent emotional support and wanting to befriend me.

You should probably consider her feelings as she might be getting hacked off by now.

I do realise it may sound rude but a needy woman hanging off your husband and trying to merge with your life isn't particularly appealing to most people. You probably seem very rude and invasive to her.

Reading this thread on my phone...pls excuse typos.

Op I was initially very neutral on this and quite sympathetic. I work in a male dominated sector and have make colleagues as friends too. DH works in a female dominated industry and the reverse applies to him. So issue with that or the amt of contact in principle. I send hundreds, maybe even a thousand emails a week.

That said, reading your subsequent posts I fear you are too invested in this bloke. I am curious as to how he has in the past indicated to you he has boundaries. He doesn't initiate contact with you from what I understand from your posts. I would do what a pp said and tail off contact for a bit and see what happens. I noticed that you ignored that suggestion and jumped on the next poster who says to carry on. I am not wonderibg so much what his wife may think but what he does. I fear he may just be carrying on to be polite, and yet you see the relationship as so important to you. If I knew you in real life this is the conversation we'd be having. I wouldn't attempt to bring things up a gear unless he initiates it.

FFS, I've had enough of saying this politely.

IT'S NOT ABOUT INSECURITY. NOT ONE BIT. IT'S ABOUT YOUR SELFISH VIEW THAT YOU'RE ENTITLED TO AS MUCH OF HIM, OR MORE, THAN THE WOMAN HE HAS CHOSEN TO SHARE HIS LIFE WITH.

I don't think you're trying it on with him. I don't think he's sexually interested in you. I do think, based on these posts, that you're self-centred and completely over-invested.

And, FWIW, I've had anxiety, depression and suicidal actions in the past, so yes I DO have some insight.

I agree that you sound very over invested in this friendship and what you want from it. I'm not convinced that you're willing to back off and see what he wants. I can see why his wife is on edge. I would find this very intense.

Another one here who feels you're over invested in this friendship. I fear he's being polite to not hurt your feelings.

I think you know if you taper off the current level of contact that he is unlikely to be spurred in to action to keep it up.

Why won't you try and reduce contact to see if this is a genuine two-way friendship?

There is another option which you didn't have in your list which is that she's just not very interested in becoming friends. My husband has several female friends and one or two of them I'm just not interested in befriending them too, they are not my kind of people- although I would always be polite if I happened to chance on them, but I do send him on his own for visits as I just don't want to spend several hours with them plus I think its nice for them to spend time together without me.

I think you are in danger of overthinking the whole thing, and trying too hard to befriend her but that doesn't mean you don't have a genuine nice friendship there- perhaps the odd email is exactly how your friend likes it and actually he doesn't want to move more towards fun days out (especially if he isn't initiating them). Why do things need to change, it sounds like you have been friends through thick and thin, just let it evolve naturally (by carrying on emailing, email friends can be ace) rather than planning a new stage, I think.

Have read the whole thread.

It seems to me like the relationship is probably reaching its natural end. Your MH is much better and so his role as your supporter is becoming redundant.

In response to that, you're desperately trying ratchet the friendship up a notch in order to hold on to it. And the way you want to do that is to befriend the wife and then nestle yourself at the apex of a nice little friendship triangle.

If you stopped initiating contact with him, what would happen? Would he initiate it? Or would things tail off?

Here's a shocker. Sometimes people with mental health problems over think things. Or try to order their thinking (options 1 to 4).
So maybe they don't express themselves (we don't express ourselves I should say) in a way that reads brilliantly. But with all the right on, left wing, PC posters on mumsnet I might have assumed people would take that into account.
OP, only you know if you are simply overthinking this or of there's more. But I don't think you'll get loads of helpful answers here.

or the option that he is really just a very nice man who keeps getting pestered by a former colleague who he is too nice to just ignore (as she has MH issues) so he keeps replying and the cycle continues for 10 YEARS!!

Does he ever initiate contact? or is it all one way?

Op - were you invited to their wedding? If not, why do you think? If they were married when you met, it is weird you have only met the wife twice in ten years whatever the distance. I agree with a pp- again-email buddies can be great. I have colleagues who have been supportive too and we are fb friends etc. and close in a fashion but it is also true that transitioning that level of contact/type of contact into 'real life' activities involving family and partners may not work the same way.

I think the op is getting a hard time. She accepts that it may not work out but would like it if it does.
What's the harm in trying? As long as she doesn't take it personally if it doesn't work out, then there is no harm done. Go with an open mind op.

Nerf Not sure why you're being so patronising and assuming that we need you to educate us on mental health. I think OP needs some kind but gentle perspective. She says that she is improving in her MH (which is wonderful) and I see no reason why she can't receive the truth, however painful that may be. She is thinking about it from her perspective but we are coming at it from the perspective of the other people in the situation.

It's the OP's absolute refusal to consider that the wife will have her own opinions on whether she does or doesn't want the OP as a friend that's grinding people's gears bouttime. She's merely treating her "hostility" as an obstacle that needs to be managed in her own pursuit of what she wants from this man and his wife. It makes much more sense now in the context of her last post as it's classic BPD (splitting) behaviour.

OP- from one borderline to another I say from my own experiences of when 99% of those around me are telling me that I'm acting like an obsessive bunny-boiler with no regard for personal boundaries, then it's probably true.

His wife is not that one that's the problem here.

You intiate the emails, you initiatd the house visits , you sense wifely hostility and

he wouldnt rush to write back if I emailed that I was suicidal, he would later tell me he had been thinking about me and hoped I had support nearby

A real & close friend would be emailing you back or coming round/ringing if you were suicidal i think the evidence is there that he has been kind , no more. You are mistaking it for /wanting a deep, close friendship: which is something built on shared interests , things in common or personalities that just 'click,...again, i have had depression and anxiety so i am not being snide. Depression & anxiety can affect your perspective - & make you needy & mean you make bad relationship choices.

So Maringa, a Social Worker in the Department of Correctional Services has come forward for the defence to recommend that OP should not go to prison but 'would be a good candidate for house arrest' for 3 years. This will involve 'two eight-hour days twice a month of domestic work, such as cleaning' at a nearby museum or a hospital.

Luckily Gerrie Nel has called that 'shockingly inappropriate'.