Hello everyone, wow i don't think I have ever got 111 replies to a post, what I wrote obviously struck a chord with many and it's actually quite interesting how different are peoples boundaries in terms of friendships if they are married. I like to think I am already mindful of this, as a single parent you inevitably have friends both male and female who are married and you want their friendship whilst also respecting their family unit priorities.
Ok, so here's my super-long reply posted across from draft in Word (I've never written a draft post before, either, so you are all honoured) - you've all helped me a lot and I know what I am going to do now.
Hurr1cane thanks for posting this:
*DP has a female friend who relies on him a lot. He tries to visit her at least once a day for a brew and goes round at least once a week for a drink and a proper chat. Their friendship is 14 years old, if they wanted to shag then they have done before I came along. I trust DP.
On the other side I have a male friend who relies on me a lot. He has severe social anxiety and we text every day. Sometimes I will get out of bed to ring him and calm him down if he is having a panic attack. Very rarely he will come round for a drink and a chat or if DP is working we sometimes go to his pub together and sit at the bar chatting. Our friendship is 8 years old, DP likes him and trusts me.*
Flywheel and LemonadeRayGun, Keemanaan, Randommess too especially helpful. I do not think this wife is the jealous type nor particularly insecure, but if I were in her shoes (I am an insecure person) I would feel abit concerned about the nature of the relationship which is why I want to show her I want to be friends with her too – we can’t have the same bond going back over years when I was suicidal etc. etc. but can take things from here on in perhaps.
To everyone who has said get professional support / therapy – I have had over ten years of it! It’s a testament to this friendship that it has endured where many other of my friendships have fallen by the wayside as I grew as a person. I was very careful not to get dependant on him and he had excellent boundaries so didn’t really let me, either. E.g. he wouldn’t rush to write back if I emailed (years and years ago now, thankfully) that I was suicidal, he would later tell me he had been thinking about me and hoped I had support nearby for example. So I knew he was there for me but not that he was the “ b all and end all”, I had several psychiatrists and counsellors over these years, other friends in whom I confided etc. too. Our emails now, usually initiated by me (he’s apologized for not being a big chatter!) but replied to are normally stuff about my DCs, or everyday stuff like stressing over the car MOT etc. or sharing lovely news e.g. my work promotion etc. Nothing untoward.
And wheresthelight this is really what I would like to do:
perhaps approach it with her from the perspective of thanking her for letting her husband be so supportive and explaining that you would love it if you and her could get to know each other better
Rousette and others, what I mean by wanting the relationship to go forward is to be able to be friends as two families – me a single-parent one and the two of them plus their DC – I imagine the possibility of joint days out etc. I don’t think this is calculating at all, I certainly don’t want to “use” the wife as a means of getting more of him. I no longer feel reliant on him (except in now rare moments of self-doubt, when we all need a friend to turn to) but I like/love him as a friend and would be sorry to lose that friendship. Therefore I would like us to be able to develop our friendship and given we both have families now, family days out etc would seem natural.
Rousette I have asked him about a year ago how he sees our friendship when I told him it seemed one-sided; he said he respects me for having the courage to go through so much and that he enjoys hearing from me.
In terms of why we haven’t done more meeting up in person and doing other friendship-py things, it’s not possible as I live hundred + miles away so meeting up only every few months, now nearly always with his family too, once /twice in a café with him only and my DCs.
Kentishgirl you say Why has so much of this been excluding his wife up to this point? What do you mean by that? There’s been no “exclusion” but my friendship is with the man, that goes back many years before they met, we have kept in touch. I haven’t met her more, nor him, because of the geographical distance as above. And Kentish you say: To be honest, being someone's support in this way is incredibly draining for them. I'm wondering if he feels the need to withdraw from it a bit and has used his wife as an excuse to you, but you've jumped in with 'well I'll get to know her as well'. How did this sudden get together happen? Who suggested it? You or him? I suggested it, he needn’t have agreed, I visit approx. once every 6 months. He could easily have made excuses or cancelled, he certainly knows I am not that needy and is not under any obligation.
To this point in reading the thread, I think the best approach is if I am totally upfront with wife and say “Your DH has been a huge support over the years, I am not emotionally reliant on him any more as I felt when my mental health was much more vulnerable but I really value his friendship as he has shown himself to be a super person by standing by me over the years. I know his family life is the most important thing to him now and I’d love to get to know you a bit better and then maybe we can all have days out etc. in future.” Whoever said thank her for being understanding, that is a great idea.
The unknown is whether wife knows my life story, I have no idea. I don’t mind at all if he has told her and he may well have and she hasn’t referred to it through respect for my confidentiality kind of thing. It I say something like the above, she will at least know from me I don’t mind alluding to the bad times and the way I became friends with her DP.
Saucyjack I wonder what he's getting out of this friendship? Either he's or a genuine saint, or he fancies you a bit and likes the idea of being your rescuer.
Why so cynical?! He needn’t fancy me to want to support me and to enjoy our friendship. I have low self-esteem but even I believe he enjoys my company (online). An affair will not start. Even if he left his wife (totally hypothetical) I would not want to get together with him! I love him, like him, but don’t fancy him. I visited him about twice a year long before he got together with his wife, and so if he had wanted to tell me anything about fancying me, he could have. I do not believe he fancies me at all either.
Bouttimeforwine Thanks for this post: Three times a week is an unusual amount of emotional investment for any friendship. Wow. Really?
Then I'm very thankful for my friends. And the fact that they value me in their lives even if they do have a partner. I must be an amazing friend too, as I'd be around for as much support as they needed This is how I feel. As I say, I have low self-esteem and tend to second guess myself so, over the years, I have asked myself and my counsellors a hundred times if I was becoming dependant on him or if I deserved such friendship. They have reassured me and I have learnt to reassure myself. Particularly as, as I said above, weaker friendships just fell by the wayside.
Also guys does it make any difference that he emails me in his coffee breaks / lunch hour (probably taking about ten mins max for each email, I’m not belitting though the amount of thought and caring that has gone into those emails). Does that make it more OK for those of you who think 3 emails per week is “too much” for a friendship?! There’s been no phonecalls, whoever said that they were too many as well, I am useless on phone calls, I tend to go silent and not know what to say.
Hexu2 She could well just be shy. She could be unsure as to how to chat with me if he has actually told her my life story and she doesn’t know whether to refer to it, or if he hasn’t told her anything and all she knows is we were colleagues who became close friends. I’m absolutely sure I haven’t had a negative impact on his mental health! He is a very strong person. He may have worried about me, but nothing more than that, I am sure. I have never said anything other than been complimentary about his wife to him. I haven’t said that much at all, tbh, just general things such as sympathising when she had to go back after a short maternity leave (as did I), and saying I think she’s doing very well to be juggling motherhood and high-flying career in those early months back. I also passed on breastfeeding advice via him!! He has never said anything negative about her, he certainly wouldn’t share arguments etc. with me, he is too trustworthy a person. BUT relationship is slightly stuck in “you take he gives”, but it has changed since we have had children as we can both chat about them not about my problems.
Bouttime I love what you said: If you give people freedom then you know that the time spent with you is because they actually want to, rather than because they have to.
I'm going to be open and honest and hope she is as frank with me, and I will respect what they then both say, because I would hate to be either a burden on this man or any kind of problem for his family life but, til now, don't believe I am.