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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have good grounds for refusing to work with this person?

182 replies

kittensinmittens · 07/10/2014 22:02

Who:

Smokes
Listens to loud head banging music
Throws rubbish out of the car including cans (hate this, it affects wildlife)

I don't want any trouble but I don't see why I should have to put up with it either!!

OP posts:
Original poster
kittensinmittens · 07/10/2014 23:32

Dia if your DC was being bullied would you say, it's your own fault. Hit them back. Tell them not to.

So yes you have made me feel pathetic. You HAVE. You have posted nasty snide little messages to me and never mind that you haven't a clue what you're on about as your posts show, you just carry on.

I've said you haven't a clue. And you haven't.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 07/10/2014 23:34

Dia never said it was your fault!

Momagain1 · 07/10/2014 23:37

You could begin by researching (ask HR) about the policy for transporting co-workers. If there is one, say you will discuss it with X then, maybe she just doesnt know.

At office, not while alone with her if you really expect violence or something, ask X 'did you know that, as the supervisor/driver you are responsible for (policy). i think the music needs to be lower and I shouldnt be subjected to second hand smoke.'

If she wont deal with it, go to higher up ask for new partner. If they make you ride with her, she will use withdrawal as her catch all for being a b*tch to you and you will have to request a new partner again. If they wont deal with it then, ask in the legal boards what your next step is.

She may be senior and respected, but you have to go theough the process of attempting to fix it yourself. Keep notes of the dates and times and results of these interactions. If you have a smart phone, a video of something out the window could record the extent of the problem.

DiaDuit · 07/10/2014 23:37

OP you seem to be one of those types who gets 'something' (christ knows what!) out of playing the hard done by martyr. I'm not going to play your game, you have been given lots of advice on this thread which you have dismissed as no good just so you can keep on saying 'poor me, i feel awful and you lot are making me feel worse'

Carry on blaming me for whatever it is you have decided to feel tonight if you like, it doesnt affect me as i know i'm not responsible. I wont engage further with you as it is pointless. You dont want help.

PrettyPictures92 · 07/10/2014 23:39

Oh fgs OP stop being so bloody dramatic with the folk who are trying to help you on this thread. Dia (and others) have offered you some pretty good advice. Take it or stop whinging because you seem like you're trying to turn yourself into a victim when you've got the power to sort this out simply by going to your manager "hey, Co worker is a nightmare with the smoking and aggression, can I change to someone else please?" You've already said there's been other complaints about her so this shouldn't be a problem or any new news for your manager, so won't be classed as you being awkward

tara49 · 07/10/2014 23:48

It's her car - mine often has chocolate on the seats and satsuma peel on the floor - passengers can like it or get the bus - and I listen to my choice of music at my choice of volume - get your own car?

ChippingInLatteLover · 07/10/2014 23:58

kittensinmittens how old are you?

Why not look at changing agencies to one where there are a lot more single jobs?

coolbeans · 08/10/2014 00:07

You sound at the end of your tether; I am sorry you are upset, especially after having had a bad day.

It really will look better to senior management if you have tried to sort it out proactively. However, if that is not something you can do, then email your bosses? Stick to the smoking issue.

Dear xxx

I would like to request alternative working arrangements. Unfortunately, I am unable to continue working with xx because I am adversely affected by her tobacco use. I estimate that I am subjected to x minutes of second hand smoke during my shifts with xxx.
I would be very grateful if you were able to suggest a working solution to this issue within the next (insert reasonable timeframe). happy to discuss, KittensinMittens.

hope it gets sorted out :)

ilovesooty · 08/10/2014 00:27

I think that's a pretty good suggestion from coolbeans

I would concentrate on the smoking aspect as the vehicle is a place of work even if you're unpaid while you're actually in it as you're travelling from one place of work to another.

And I can understand why you might not want to address it with her directly, but be prepared to explain to your manager why that was difficult.

I hope you feel better after a good night's sleep.

I hope people here realise that when you're upset and exhausted, it isn't easy to be told to tell someone who intimidates you to fuck off.

HolgerDanske · 08/10/2014 00:49

I think it would have helped had you asked the actual question you wanted to ask, which seems to be, please help me to word my complaint in the correct way to achieve my desired aim.

However that isn't actually what you asked, and so people have quite reasonably responded to the OP and you have repeatedly been quite snippy and rude and combative in return.

I get that you have had a bad day and you do sound at the end of your tether, so I hope you'll be able to get it sorted to your satisfaction. Some good advice has been given above.

Good luck with it, and let us know how it goes.

perfectstorm · 08/10/2014 01:01

I'm not surprised you're unhappy, and no, you don't have to be exposed to passive smoking in the workplace, which this arguably is if you're being paid expenses to get to sites but have to share a vehicle.

I think pointing out that they are exposing you to second hand smoke in the unavoidable exercise of your duties, and you want to be in a car where there isn't anyone smoking, is your best bet. They may pair you with someone else.

Have you tried posting on Employment? There are employment lawyers there who could advise you - I don't think AIBU is the right place. For a range of reasons.

sykadelic · 08/10/2014 03:58

OP - I will PM you with my suggestions. I'm sorry so many people have completely missed the point and upset you like they have.

Icimoi · 08/10/2014 06:09

I disagree that OP should take this up with her co-worker. If there have been previous complaints about her, It's incredibly unlikely that no-one has raised the problems with her before, and clearly it hasn't worked. Likewise, if she goes to her manager, the fact that there have been previous complaints means that she is very likely to be believed.

I agree, base the issue clearly on smoking as that is something any employer has to pay attention to.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/10/2014 06:29

Sympathies from me.

Some people have forgotten how to be sympathetic as well as giving advice. No wonder you got annoyed at them.

DieselSpillages · 08/10/2014 06:42

Get some ear defenders and insist on having your window fully wound down (wear a hat, scarf and sunglasses to deal with cold wind !)

Hoopalong · 08/10/2014 06:47

I cant believe how many people have missed the point and also think someone in real life can tackle the problem in the gang ho/off hand manner they suggest without fear of making matters worse for themselves. OP i hope the offer of a skyadellic to PM you has helped, also agree that coolbeans draft is very helpful. Hope you can get a happy outcome very soon.

LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight · 08/10/2014 06:47

I think santas idea is the best tbh and when you say that to your manager they will know why

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 08/10/2014 06:48

I don't think YABU at all.

Once you have tried asking her and its failed then complain.

Gorgeously · 08/10/2014 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slutbucket · 08/10/2014 07:00

She shouldn't be smoking in a works vehicle and actually if she is a carer in her uniform. It's not hygienic. You need to bring this up in supervision.

foreverdepressed · 08/10/2014 07:19

This person sounds disgusting, YANBU.

Guitargirl · 08/10/2014 07:37

Wrt the smoking issue. If you are technically at work while you are travelling to someone's home then that is your place of work and wouldn't it be illegal to to smoke in the workplace?

You wouldn't need to raise it with your colleague directly, it needs to be escalated to your line manager.

BlackWings · 08/10/2014 07:41

I would speak to you boss OP and I would raise it as a safety concern.
Smoking whilst driving is not safe, you do not have full control of your car with a lit cigarette in your hand. Likewise, loud music. Nor is chucking cans out the window that could hit the car behind.
Seriously I would not get in a car with such a shit driver.

Original poster
kittensinmittens · 08/10/2014 07:42

Thank you SO much.

it isn't easy to tell someone who intimidates you to fuck off

It really isn't. I genuinely apologise if I was rude, but some people really clearly don't understand. I suppose I wouldn't have either before I started this line of work. But you can see above,someone's still saying oh get your own car.

This isn't about me playing a hard done by martyr. It's just me working I extremely difficult conditions where workplace 'norms' don't apply. That can be an advantage and my job can be lovely but it can also be very hard.

OP posts:
Howlongtillbedtime · 08/10/2014 07:55

Have any of your clients ever mentioned the smell of smoke ? I will be amazed if they haven't noticed .
I would also be amazed if you are the first person to have refused to work with this person because of her behaviour.
It cant be a coincidence that the newest person has been teemed up with her .
She sounds like a nightmare and caring for someone with someone who makes you this uncomfortable is not going to work .
Do you have an email address for your line manager ? It might be easier for you to deal with it that way rather than face to face . And it will be in writing so an early paper trail .
My guess is you will be moved quite easily and they have been trying their luck by leaving you with her because you haven't complained yet .

She would be the one to get sacked where I work by the way , it just wouldn't be put up with .