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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have good grounds for refusing to work with this person?

182 replies

kittensinmittens · 07/10/2014 22:02

Who:

Smokes
Listens to loud head banging music
Throws rubbish out of the car including cans (hate this, it affects wildlife)

I don't want any trouble but I don't see why I should have to put up with it either!!

OP posts:
Original poster
kittensinmittens · 07/10/2014 22:54

Moma, I don't, I can ask not to work with her but what I don't want is them thinking I'm just being awkward. So I want to do it as nicely as possible. That's all I'm asking.

OP posts:
IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 07/10/2014 22:55

You only really have three options

  1. put up and shut up
  2. take your own car and arrange to split petrol allowance 50/50 or pay it out of your own pocket
  3. speak to someone senior and tell them you're not happy to continue this situation

You really do have to speak up for yourself. And yes I have been in a similar position (I'm guessing care work travelling to clients in their homes?) and I took my own car until I was assigned someone else to work with (was worth the petrol money to take control and keep my sanity)

Original poster
kittensinmittens · 07/10/2014 22:55

I've already said I don't know but I don't know why you want to know, it's made me feel like my head is going to drop off, if really has. Not the type of music but the volume and the fact I've had no breaks from it.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 07/10/2014 22:56

You are not willing to do anything to try resolve this situation between your colleague and yourself , but want to head on straight to a complaint? Sorry but you seem extremely difficult.

thereturnofshoesy · 07/10/2014 22:56

i can understand that, if it is music you don't like it can be like torture

Original poster
kittensinmittens · 07/10/2014 22:57

Princess like i say if I did that I would lose money which I can't afford to do.

I've never said I'm going to out up and shut up, that's such a horrible thing to say, I want to not work with them, why is that unreasonable?

I'm sorry I'm exhausted and upset and very very worm down. But I've not said oh I am just moaning I don't want to work with them, that's been clear all along surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
kittensinmittens · 07/10/2014 22:58

I really am not difficult.

I've been tolerating this for months now and it's just come to a head tonight.

Is it hard to understand I can't insist people behave in a particular way in their own cars.

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 07/10/2014 22:58

Right stop playing the timid wallflower- your posts here prove you really arent.

You speak to your manager and ask them what they suggest to make it that you arent subjected to smoke or loud music or swearing whilst at work. You decide something between you.

also, When you start your shift, whoever you are working with you say i dont allow smoking or loud music in my car and if they say "fine, we'll take mine" you refuse to get in, making a nightmare for your manager until they do their job and make your work environment smoke and intimidation free.

ILovePud · 07/10/2014 22:58

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to not WANT to work with this person, whether it's unreasonable or unrealistic to REFUSE to work with her is another matter. You'll know far more about how the company and workload is organised, how easy would it be for your manager to accommodate this request? I know someone up thread asked if you are care-workers and I appreciate why you may not wish to disclose but I think many recipients of personal care wouldn't want those providing it to smell of smoke, don't know whether the company had a policy on this or whether this is an angle worth exploring.

Bailey101 · 07/10/2014 22:59

If you ask to be reassigned, I can pretty much guarantee that your manager will ask 1. Why and 2. What did she say when you asked her to stop. It's not going to look good on you at all if you have tell then that you didn't try and sort it with her first.

Glittermud · 07/10/2014 23:00

I understand how trapped this must make you feel. I don't think that you are being unreasonable. What I'd your line manager like? Are they someone who would 1) listen and 2) have the authority to change your work patterns so that you aren't coinciding with this colleague?

maddy68 · 07/10/2014 23:00

I would never tell someone else in their own car to not smoke. I might just say do you mind turning the radio down a bit I can't hear what your saying

The litter thing. Not your concern, if she gets fined good!

HaroldLloyd · 07/10/2014 23:00

If she is not approachable you will just have to talk to your manager.

It's not petty stuff, I'd make the most of the smoking as that's the biggie.

m0therofdragons · 07/10/2014 23:00

It's not your fault and I totally wouldn't put up with it. I simply couldn't stand the smell on my clothes and hair. If it's not paid work time then you are car sharing to get to work which isn't your senior team's responsibility and unfortunately this woman is saving you money by lift sharing so when in her car it's her rules. It would be perfectly understandable if you told her how unpleasant you find it and it's poor manners on her side to continue but in her car there's not a lot you can do. In your car you have to be clear re the rules. Choose your own music and have a plastic bag for a bin. Good luck.

Vycount · 07/10/2014 23:02

We've had this before recently. Your employer can't insist that you travel in a car where someone is smoking. Regardless of who owns it, or whether it's unpaid travel time, they can't make you do that.
So, what happens if you don't travel with her any more?

Original poster
kittensinmittens · 07/10/2014 23:03

Dia posting here when I'm jittery with exhaustion is not the same as real life. I am angry - I really feel very angry at your post which is telling me I'm something I'm not.

I'll say again - I know what I want to do and wondered if anybody could help me wording it in a way that doesn't sound difficult or awkward.

I have been irritable here which I've apologised for bit to be honest I've been at work since 7 and I'm shattered, I just got in, and for the last five hours I've had smoke and music, so forgive me for not being sunshine.

I don't know why I posted actually but I haven't done anything wrong. If I refuse to get in their car then I don't work and I don't get paid. I'm really really sorry as I DONT want to sound stroppy but really genuinely, you don't have a clue. You don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
kittensinmittens · 07/10/2014 23:06

Vycount I've explained, I don't get paid, it is as simple as that. Sorry if I'm repeating an old thread but it's pertinent for me at the moment. All I want is to do my job in a smoke free environment without excessive noise.That really is all. I don't want an argument, I don't want a confrontation or nastiness or fuck off no you fuck off get the fuck out of my car ... It's so not me!

But I can't do another day like today.

If ANYBODY could help me word a complaint then could they please PM me, I'm not going to contribute any more to this thread as what you're seeing as anger is actually just exhaustion and upset. It honestly isn't me. Most people think I'm nice. I'm not awkward at all.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 07/10/2014 23:08

You're not really explaining it and as we don't know how your job works it's hard to be helpful.
Do your bosses insist on car sharing? If so you need to speak to them. They can write a policy about acceptable behaviour and send a copy out to everyone. disciplinary action if anyone is found to break the rules.

HaroldLloyd · 07/10/2014 23:08

Honestly don't stress about it. Just ask for a word and mention the smoking, just say you don't want to cause an issue but your reallt not happy to be travelling in a smoky car.

Original poster
kittensinmittens · 07/10/2014 23:10

Thank you for some other posts that understand.

I'm fairly sure the manager would understand. I'm not the only person who has made this request, put it that way!

It isn't lift sharing either. I'm not just being lazy, we have to car share. Yes technically we could drive separately but there's a petrol allowance for one car. Taking two would cost money and mean I was paying to go to work.

I'm not stroppy I'm just so so tired and worn down after today. I'll shut down now. Thanks.

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 07/10/2014 23:10

Well you cant go straight in with a complaint when you havent even tried to deal with the situation yourself. Put your big girl pants on and speak to your colleague- it doesnt matter that you know she wont be co-operative- it matters that when you speak to your manager you can say what you have done yourself to improve the situation. Because your manager will just tell you to speak to her yourself if you havent already.

m0therofdragons · 07/10/2014 23:11

Is there an hr dept? You can ask if there is a car sharing company policy. You could also informally speak to them and ask for advice dealing with this.

ILovePud · 07/10/2014 23:11

It depends on whether you feel your boss will keep what you say confidential, if he/she will then I'd say that you are struggling to work with her and find her behaviour objectionable. If this isn't the case I'd just major on the smoking issue, say it is causing you chest problems and that you want to be partnered with a non smoker.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 07/10/2014 23:11

I just have a couple of things to add (I read that you are not going to contribute any further to the thread but hopefully you will still read replies).

I do the same job as you.

Issues surrounding car sharing on double up calls is the main cause of fallouts amongst carers in our branch.

My recommendation - tell your Manager/Co-Ordinator/Team Leader that you would like to stick to single calls. That way, you are always in your own car with no risk of anyone doing anything that annoys you.

Trust me, it works.

NormaStits · 07/10/2014 23:12

It's not car sharing to get to work, it'swhat care workers have to do in order to travel from one work appointment to another.

Op, I think you need to speak to your colleague and say that the smoking is making you feel ill. This is the key issu, but you can also mention the music, or just turn it down a little as she's driving. If she refuses to stop smoking in your presence, take it to your manager. They have a duty to provide you witha smokefree work environment. If they can't make her stop smoking, then they need to give you mileage too, so that you can travel in a smoke free car at no financial loss to yourself. It's a legal obligaton, so if they are unhelpful and you're not in a union, seek advice from CAB.

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