New boyfriend called me a 'project'.

[proseccofiend]

First time poster. Please be nice. Been seeing a lovely guy since June. Met OLD. Not to dripfeed, but on Saturday after a fun night out after a few wines, we had a bit of an argument. I know I can be bolshy and assertive. Fiesty is probably a nicer term though! I am younger than him, but only by a few years (I am late twenties) He told me he didn't want a 'project' but otherwise really liked me. I told him it is not a Taming of the Shrew situation and to take a hike if that's what he thought. But I do like him a lot. AMIBU?

Blimey, Mnet can be harsh. I personally wouldn't be too hasty OP.

People can evolve in a relationship you know. You can tell someone 'I don't like how you behaved', and you know, sometimes they can take it on board and try harder next time. Marriages and relationships would crumble and fall apart within weeks if we were absolutely perfect for each other straight away.

Early in our relationship my DH once got antsy because I said I was both 'cup of tea thirsty AND bottle of water thirsty' when we'd been stuck in an airport for 2 hours and they were giving out free drinks. He had spoken to me like a child. I pointed out to him eventually that I didn't like being spoken to like a 4yr old. His response was to ask when my next birthday was and after that, he'd treat me like a 5yr old. He also once publicly told all our friends he would never get married. Another time he introduced me as 'This is farewellfigure. She's involved', like I was a Rubik's puzzle or something.

The thing is, I didn't expect to find someone so like me in personality that I was 100% happy with everything he ever did or said. Wouldn't that be a bit dull? I figured I would find someone who was mostly OK and mostly kind and that we'd rub along together OK and sort out any differences. We've been together 22 years now and he is the kindest, most respectful, loveliest and most laid-back person I know and we have a great time together.

People can change. Couples grow together. I wouldn't write him off for that. Tell him how you feel and maybe he'll listen.

Thanks. I am torn but giving it a lot of thought. Oh, and I completely understand the difference between tea thirsty water thirsty and how you can be both at the same time!

"His 'pet name' for me (I don't have one for him!) Is 'little one'."

I suggest that your new pet name for him should be "poppet", since he's so cute and adorable.

Fair's fair. You want a relationship where you're treated as an equal, right? If he doesn't then that's his problem - but I'd be strongly tempted to give him a bit of his own medicine first.

farewell you must have low standards then because the airport incident alone would be a dumpable offence in my book.

And I fail to see how anyone who spoke to you/about you like that could be considered "respectful"!

I so think farewell has a good point. We do have to tolerate incidents of bad behavior within a marriage / LTR sometimes. It happens. I wouldn't dump my husband for behaving like a bit of an arse. I would dump him for gross misconduct only (you know, infidelity, beatings etc - I am not making light of these things btw).

BUT if you are starting out and there is a general incompatibility, based on temperament, and how you deal with confrontations, then the road ahead is likely to be a lot more bumpy due to that incompatibility.

Surely its better to cut your losses when you know someone is a bit of a twonk and its only going to get worse and / or harder the more serious things become.

I think the restaurant think could have been a bit of both. Him shy and not liking a fuss maybe, you maybe making more fuss than you realised coz you had had a drink.

I also wouldn't like if if I was meeting someone but wasn't told where, jut to head to an area and hang about til I was told where they were. Don't know why, just would make me feel on the back foot for some reason.
So I would probably be a bit later knowing they were with a friend anyway an give them time to decide where to be and let me know.

Anyway, it's really a moot point as you don't sound compatible. Doesn't have to be anyone in the wrong.

kitten in a marriage there are times when you have to let stuff go at the time and deal with it later, but at the dating stage? No. Dating should not be hard work! And if H said anything like farewells OH did to her, no matter how long we had been married I would give him very very short shrift and it would be made clear that that would be the first and last time he ever spoke to me like that.

I would have to find out (just out of curiosity) what he meant by 'a project'.

If you're happy with who you are and what you're doing then what on earth does he want to change? or think he has the right to change?

I would find out, but I'd be wary OP, perhaps he wants to show you the steep and thorny path to heaven.

My x made a holy show of himself in a restaurant when I was dating him. I wish I'd taken that in. Well I did take it in, but I surpressed it

farewells, kitten...

That's all well and good, but during the first few weeks is why you need to put on your best behavior. If he's slacking now at 4 months, he's only going to get worse. Yes, my DH tried pushing boundaries too and got a swift kick in the ass, but he certainly never patronized me and he never played those types of games.

But there is a difference between testing the waters to see what you can and can't get away with, and trying to change someone into what you want them to be.

I'm more likely to forgive DH for having a bad day and being a dick because I have 8 years of 90% good days. At four months if he was a cranky asshole, I'd have dumped him. I still tell him to go take a walk or come talk to me when he's in a better mood. He can vent to me, not take it out on me.

I think there is a difference between making a total dick of yourself in a restaurant (I had that once, you know when they say to look how a man treats serving staff? I didnt.....) and getting a bit pissed off when you receive the wrong meal twice and have to say "Look, I ordered X and you have bought me Y and Z, can I please have the meal I ordered?!" The OP said she was polite, nothing suggests she was ott. I wonder if he is one of those people who will say to their dining companion "This is inedible" and then when the server says "Is everything ok?" he says "Yes, lovely thank you!" and then seethes for weeks about it at home.

I must have said something confusing? Or someone mis read and then others followed that misreading?

I said "run"

and then I said - yes, in a marriage you have to tolerate poop

in an early relationship, it indicates incompatibility, and you DON'T.

run, again, run.

He finds ways to punish you when you don't behave in a way that he thinks is right. You need to really really think about that.

Sorry Kitten I think I was just in rant mode, I did miss that!

"He told me he didn't want a 'project' but otherwise really liked me. "
It's really irrelevant whether you were politely assertive or a rude drunk in the restaurant, proseccofiend. It matters not what you did, but how he reacted; and his reaction was to decide that you need to be changed and he has the right to change you. Oh, it might be a bit of an effort, hence not really wanting to take on this project, but to get you to fit in to his universe, to be suitable to his needs, wants and whims - YOU have got to be trimmed and polished up. He has judged, and you have been found wanting.

I'd be well fucked off with that.

I tried to imagine what would have happened, had it been myself and DH in the restaurant instead. On X being brought to our table when I ordered Y, I'd have said 'Sorry, that's not what I ordered.' He'd have backed me up with 'No, it's not, you ordered Y'. On a cold plate of Y being brought, I'd have sent it back, and he'd have said 'I bet that's been sitting there all this time, and whoever ordered X is now being offered your now-cold X. Not very organised here, are they?' He absolutely would NOT have "went very quiet after that, refused to engage in conversation" nor given me "the impression he wanted me to apologise for my 'behavior'." But then, he is not the total wanker that your date was/is.

I must have said something confusing? Or someone mis read and then others followed that misreading?

Yes, but you said it on a previous page. It might as well be on page 2 of google.

I take comments in and of themselves at face value. I don't keep track of what every poster has been talking about previously unless it's a string of responses.

Ha Bogeyface that made me smile. I don't think I had low standards. I was already in love with DH and imagined, correctly as it happens, that if we communicated and I told him I wasn't happy with being treated like that, he might be mature enough to take it on board and change.

He IS respectful now. And tolerant, laid back, kind etc etc. He isn't the same person I was dating, and not even the same one I married. The first year of marriage wasn't a bed of roses to be honest. He used to be quite stressy and had some quite frankly weird views of what marriage was going to be like. But he was worth sticking with. There isn't a single thing that he does that winds me up... we never argue. He was definitely a keeper.

All I'm saying is that if you communicate as a couple a lot of these things can be overcome and you might end up really happy together. Especially if you're basically quite happy that the majority of the relationship is sound. Which the OP seems to be. Obviously there are total no-go areas like mental and physical abuse to name two, but I just think what happened could be a minor blip and it might be worth sticking it out a bit longer. Obviously if the boyfriend carried on being a bit of an arse in months to come, the OP could reassess.

Proseccofiend come back and tell us how the date went!

We are meeting on Saturday but i'll be raising everything with him then. Hopefully we can just have a mature discussion about it, but if I'm not satisfied with his answers as to why he acted like that, I'll walk. I'll report back!

Good for you. You don't sound the type to be walked over. I hope it goes well.

Serious question proseccofiend. What answers would satisfy you? I think it's worth deciding that before you hear them. Have something to measure them against.

The more I've read of your post op I think this man sounds really quite creepy. My ex was very charming at first, but once he knew I was hooked, well, was there anything about me he couldn't criticise? Very subtly, of course, just enough to sow seeds of doubt in my mind - about myself, not him !

After we split up (many years later) those closest to me admitted they had often found him a bit creepy/odd/uncomfortable to be around. He was basically an immature, insecure control freak and, as in your case op, a few years older than me. He also did all the little boy "oh you've made me so sad" dramas over bugger all, anything that pricked his little bubble.

Trust me, I've been down the road, back up again and worn to death that cliched t-shirt in the type of relationship that I fear yours may become. After 4 months a fun, boozy night out with your new boyfriend should result in a hangover, a lie-in and fond memories - not posting on MN as to whether it's right he thinks of you as a "project".

There's a thread on here at the moment entitled something like "Right, listen up everybody..." basically about recognising all the warning signs in relationships that we should stay away from or leave, it's brilliant. Please have a look if you get a chance. If anything looks familiar to you - run for the hills, you owe him nothing and yourself everything. Good luck.

It's impossible to know who was or wasn't being unreasonable as we have only heard about who said what (and how they said it) from your point of view. It doesn't sound as if you are getting on very well though considering that you have only been dating for four months. It's a bit early to be having arguments, I think.

I wouldn't bother my arse meeting him on Saturday. I'd fire off a dear john text and deal with any comeback by means of unequivocal fuckoffities. The man is quite clearly a twat.