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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New boyfriend called me a 'project'.

193 replies

proseccofiend · 07/10/2014 21:44

First time poster. Please be nice. Been seeing a lovely guy since June. Met OLD. Not to dripfeed, but on Saturday after a fun night out after a few wines, we had a bit of an argument. I know I can be bolshy and assertive. Fiesty is probably a nicer term though! I am younger than him, but only by a few years (I am late twenties) He told me he didn't want a 'project' but otherwise really liked me. I told him it is not a Taming of the Shrew situation and to take a hike if that's what he thought. But I do like him a lot. AMIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
proseccofiend · 07/10/2014 23:49

God, I don't think I'm that bad! I have a lot of friends and generally consider myself a likeable and positive person! I guess it just threw me that someone who I thought I was getting on so well with, making a connection etc seemed to think I should put up/shut up...

OP posts:
TeamScotland · 07/10/2014 23:58

Be grateful he's shown you what a cunt he is and move on.

How fucking dare he?

Suzannewithaplan · 08/10/2014 00:07

?
Folk tend to be on best behavior at first, then let the mask slip gradually, the fact that you've got alarm bells ringing suggests that he's been over confident and shown himself too soon.

Ime blokes are prone to overplaying their hand, thinking that older women can be played as if they were naive young women etc

Suzannewithaplan · 08/10/2014 00:09

Feisty is, however, an adjective reserved exclusively for women...and terriers

Suzannewithaplan · 08/10/2014 00:21

?An accomplished manipulator waits until the victim is truly hooked before starting with the techniques, this guy's an amateur

elQuintoConyo · 08/10/2014 00:26

Oh dear, wankorama! Sadly, I think you have to move on.

Suzannewithaplan · 08/10/2014 00:46

describing a person as feisty suggests that they are small but fierce....and fierce in a way which is slightly endearing but never actually threatening.

I'm sure a man would feel insulted and patronised were he ever described as feisty

Whyisthekitteninsane · 08/10/2014 02:15

I think you should have a chat and find out what he means exactly by "project" and see if he apologizes for using this term, and if you can move on from it... If he's an introvert then you're possibly stuffed anyway, because you just never know whats going on with those and he could be bottling up lots of angst that just pops out when he gets really cross (I think I married one of those). Anyway, I would be tempted to dump, but clarify first.

Booboostoo · 08/10/2014 03:15

Maybe you were in the wrong in the restaurant, nobody's infallible, or maybe he is shy and got embarrassed, these things happen and could be addressed as a specific situation but to refer to you as a project is disturbing. It seems to imply that this has been on his mind, that it relates to more than one incident and that he sees it as his role to change you. These assumptions may be wrong, he may just have used the wrong word at the wrong time, but if he does think this way ditch him now or suffer later.

sykadelic · 08/10/2014 03:43

I'd ask him what he thinks you should have done.

  1. Meal was wrong - what else would you do except say it was wrong?
  2. Meal was cold - so you just eat a cold meal?

Is his objection that you said something at all, how you said it, what you said specifically, or whether he expected to resolve it for you.

What does he mean "this side of you"? Sounds to me like he thought you were rude and/or obnoxious. "Project" implies you're not a delicate woman and he needs to "fix" you to be more demure.

I also agree "fiesty" is not a good thing, especially when you say it about yourself. It's an excuse to be rude typically.

redexpat · 08/10/2014 07:34

What everyone else says, but with the addition that I love how during an argument you make a reference to Shakespeare. You are clearly fabulous, he is rather less than fabulous. You deserve better.

Infinity8 · 08/10/2014 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

figgieroll · 08/10/2014 07:44

What's he like? I'm quiet but politely assertive. My husband is even quieter and and not assertive at all desire being a fiery red head

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 08/10/2014 07:52

Patronising knob.

Original poster
proseccofiend · 08/10/2014 09:06

Thank you for all your posts. I freely admit I can be a little fiery in a way that I don't like people to think I'm a pushover- but only when it's justified and I always try to be polite but firm. The only other incidents I can think of which may have prompted this outburst from him are-

  1. He was due to meet one of my oldest friends as she was in town for the day. We were keeping in the same area of London, but wandering a little, trying to find somewhere nice for a drink. When he rang and asked where to head to, I told him the nearest station but said I wasn't sure specifically where we'd end up, so to ring when he arrived and I'd either tell him then or pop out and meet him. He was really not happy about this, said I was being vague and pushed me into saying the name of the nearest pub. That doesn't sound too bad written down but it annoyed me to have to be so specific at the moment he demanded it.

  2. He was then half an hour late, despite being a ten minute train ride away, and when I called him on it said that the earlier phone call had irritated him so he hadn't felt like leaving on time.

I think even if he's sorry, this has definitely soured things for me and I'm starting to think my earlier impressions of him are wrong.

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 08/10/2014 09:15
  1. I can understand his instistance if someone was meeting me in town and was being vague I'd cancel on them.
  2. That is arsey and sounds like game playing from me and would set off warning bells once again he feels you haven't been nice enough so he's disciplining you

Do you feel like you can have a chat with him being totally honest about you concerns or will he get defensive? If he isn't willing accept he has faults then I would call it quits.

Original poster
proseccofiend · 08/10/2014 09:21

I had given him the name of the road though, just hadn't decided on which bar as didn't want to go for one with a rowdy football crowd. By the time he'd arrived we would have settled on somewhere and I'd have let him know. But can understand his irritation in a way, just not his pushing me for an answer at that second when I'd explained the above.

He was warm and chatty and absolutely fine when we were with my friend.

I think I have to have a chat with him. I want to know how he sees me and why he's referred to me using these terms.

OP posts:
cherrybombxo · 08/10/2014 09:25

He sounds like a total dick, if I'm honest. He was annoyed so he he left late just to spite you? What a big baby! I love plans and do feel anxious without one but I completely understand why you did what you did, you were going out with friends and didn't know where you would fancy going so you'd let him know where to meet you once he was in the area. There would be no point telling him a specific pub only to turn up and find that it was heaving with no chance of a seat, so moving to another place while trying to let him know the change of plan. That seems totally reasonable to me.

I'd end it now.

TiggyD · 08/10/2014 09:35

Tell him to take the Fuck Train to Offsville.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2014 09:38

I'm not sure - the more you write, the more I think it's just your different personalities emerging.

I totally understand the cringing when someone's being assertive in a restaurant - it's fine if you're the one being assertive but if you're the one watching it's uncomfortable no matter how polite someone is.

I think we're pretty rubbish at politely complaining the British - when minor things go wrong on a night out it can feel soured if you were expecting a great night out.

If dh and I are out and we have to complain it's less soured because we've been together so long etc and we know we have other evenings ahead.

After 4 months you're just starting to get to know each other. It sort of sounds as if he could be trying to control - or it could be that he's going to struggle to become part of a couple where the other person is driving too.

Becoming part of a couple is pretty hard work and the best piece of advice I could give is never to assume that someone is doing something to bother you. More likely they're doing it because they don't know how to accommodate the other yet. They assume their way is the right way as they've been doing it so long. We all get a bit set in our ways.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2014 09:42

And that thing where he was supposed to meet you?

I can guess that what was going on in his head was "hmm, she's not told me exactly to meet so maybe she's not that keen on me meeting up with her and her friend - I will just stew for ten minutes extra here while I feel a bit hurt/ pissed off/ rejected/ have a think"

See, people do think the other is game playing or not being entirely honest when they have their own insecurities or baggage. He does too.

bodhranbae · 08/10/2014 10:01

I think he annoys you as much as you annoy him.
Personality clash.
Move on.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/10/2014 10:54

He sounds controlling. Which will probably become more and more evident if you stay with him.

I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

He wanted you to eat a stone cold meal rather than be politely and appropriately assertive.

He punished you with lateness because you couldn't tell him the place you'd meet him at that exact second - very controlling, both for insisting on the exact place then and there (you would have told him once you'd found a place, or gone and met him, so there was no reason for him to be angry other than wanting to exert control) and for deliberately being late.

You haven't known him long so this tendency of his is only manifesting a little now, but it will worsen the longer you stay with him.

'Project'? Arrogant moron. As if you are a flawed child and he is The Grown Up, who's deciding whether he can be bothered to educate you or not.

Ugh. Dump!

mummytime · 08/10/2014 11:17

Okay first incident, either:
a) you were gobby - and it embarrassed him. But are you going to change, is this a huge wake up call? If not - fine - just he's not for you.
b) you weren't gobby and he is over sensitive/controlling. Are you going to change? No - he's not for you.

The bar thing - he sounds like he's game playing and a bit controlling.

You haven't been together long - get rid, there are plenty more out there.

Thomyorke · 08/10/2014 11:26

At the early stages if roles where reversed I would not appreciate a fuss being made at a meal, in the early stages it is all about the company and I would feel awkward with the complaining. I would not head into town without a meeting point, once in bars and drink involved mobiles are a nightmare. If I was with a man that was fierce and expected me to hang around town waiting for instructions I would not be happy. I think I would try one more date.

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