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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New boyfriend called me a 'project'.

193 replies

proseccofiend · 07/10/2014 21:44

First time poster. Please be nice. Been seeing a lovely guy since June. Met OLD. Not to dripfeed, but on Saturday after a fun night out after a few wines, we had a bit of an argument. I know I can be bolshy and assertive. Fiesty is probably a nicer term though! I am younger than him, but only by a few years (I am late twenties) He told me he didn't want a 'project' but otherwise really liked me. I told him it is not a Taming of the Shrew situation and to take a hike if that's what he thought. But I do like him a lot. AMIBU?

OP posts:
ColdTeaAgain · 07/10/2014 22:08

He didn't like you taking control of the situation OP, as he thinks that is his job as a man.

Ditch. It will only get worse.

1FluffyJumper · 07/10/2014 22:11

He likes you....but you need to change.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 07/10/2014 22:12

Drop him like a hot shit. Yes basically said he doesn't like your personality, he wants to change it to something he prefers. You are well shot.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2014 22:12

My goodness, he dident like you being assertive, yes ditch!

1FluffyJumper · 07/10/2014 22:13

He sounds like my narcissistic ex. You'll never be good enough.

ILovePud · 07/10/2014 22:13

It's a difficult one, I know lots of people, men and women, who get embarrassed by other people 'making a fuss' they're not trying to be controlling just a bit reserved and stoical. Whilst it can be hard to see 'red flags' in your own relationship and getting advice from others can be of use don't let other people's experience colour your view too much. What do your friends who have met him think?

MaidOfStars · 07/10/2014 22:14

So, he's lovely and you were having a wonderful time. Then it all went wrong when you chellenged the food?

Either you were more gobby than you think you were, or he's far too easily embarrassed and reserved, or he's a controlling twat. I can't decide without further info.

SevenZarkSeven · 07/10/2014 22:14

I think his behaviour was a bit odd there TBH.

Is he very shy & timid or something? Is the most charitable I can think.

Otherwise am veering heavily towards ditch him.

Did he say why he didn't like you complaining about your food & wanting it sorted?

SevenZarkSeven · 07/10/2014 22:16

I got a bit pissed and made a fuss about some shellfish early on in dating DH.

He was wildly impressed Grin

Still that's probably a story for another time.

Did he think your behaviour was embarrassing / too loud or something? Really confused as to what his prob was. Did you spoil the "romance" of being at a nice restaurant or something.

PicandMinx · 07/10/2014 22:16

Dick. Sack him. Move on.

Lovelydiscusfish · 07/10/2014 22:17

His "project" comment just seems inexplicable to me. I presume by your "taming of the shrew" reference you took it, in context, as him meaning he feels he needs to manage and subdue you. Well, if you are convinced he meant that, then you have your answer. I'm sure you don't want to live your life with a cock like that, and well done for spotting it in time.
If you've any doubt that that was how he meant it, then I would totally call him on it, make it clear that that was how it sounded, and that it behoves him to demonstrate immediately that he didn't mean that, he wasn't trying to belittle or subjugate you... Or else the relationship can't continue. Better to have it out now then when you've got a mortgage, kids, or whatever it may be, in common.
And very best of luck, OP. Hope he is not a cock (or, if he is, that you ditch him and are OK).

LeftRightCentre · 07/10/2014 22:22

Tell him you don't want a bastard and ditch. Been there, bought the tshirt.

Original poster
proseccofiend · 07/10/2014 22:22

I don't know. My instinct says 'Run. no one should be telling you off for anything as an adult, four months into dating!' But, he has never displayed any sign of this before. He is quite quiet an easy going I suppose, I would describe him as as an introvert, and I would describe myself as a little more extrovert compared to him. I wasn't really 'making a fuss'- the restaurant issue was simply down to the fact they brought a totally different dish to what I had ordered first time, and the second time it was stone cold. I don't think it was unreasonable to say something and like I said I was polite. But he said he hadn't seen that 'side' of me before (we'd had a couple of glasses of wine at a bar prior to this) But I have met his friends, he has met a couple of mine- I liked his friends and mine liked him. I am a bit torn.

OP posts:
Hissy · 07/10/2014 22:31

instincts love, instincts! never, ever ignore them!

he's never done this before, but you've known him a few weeks, this is the start of who he is.

end it. it'll only get worse.

Original poster
proseccofiend · 07/10/2014 22:33

Yes, we have spoken since Saturday, just texts as I have been really busy away with work. We are due to meet this Saturday and he is texting confirming the details of that. He has not alluded to what was said last week, at all, even though I was vaguely going to stay at his but went home instead.

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 07/10/2014 22:35

My mum once gave me great advice:

The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

ILovePud · 07/10/2014 22:39

Just to clarify I wasn't implying you were 'making a fuss' or doing anything wrong just that that is how it might seem to him, some people get very embarrassed about complaining. I'd speak to him on Saturday and raise the issue and let him know how it made you feel then see how he responds.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/10/2014 22:47

Well... I do have a friend who honestly believes themselves to be firm but reasonable, whilst everyone else up to five rooms away is cowering with their hands over their ears. If there is any possibility that you may have been doing a wounded foghorn impression without realising it, given the wine 'n' all, then I have some sympathy for the chap. If not, then he was way out of order for criticising you for standing up for your right as a customer to receive the food you had asked for in an edible state. Sounds like he may have Issues, and with the benefit of a quarter century of hindsight I would strongly recommend that you do not let them become your Issues.

Original poster
proseccofiend · 07/10/2014 22:49

No, completely understand your post IlovePud. i am grateful for all the responses!

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 07/10/2014 22:51

wilbur that is very sage advice I'm going to remember that one.

upthedamnwotsit · 07/10/2014 22:52

Ick. 'Project' makes it sound like he's going to have to put work in to making you behave in the way he likes and chipping off all those fiesty edges. I really wouldn't be sure about carrying on with someone with that perception of me. People aren't meant to be sculpted to someone else's specification.

I think you've got it well figured out with that remark you made to him about this not being 'Taming of the Shrew.'

Being described as a project just makes you sound so unworthy (when you aren't!)

okeydonkey · 07/10/2014 22:56

Maybe he meant "project" as in you are someone he's never been close to before as in not in not his usual type, and maybe he just used the wrong word "project".
I'd see him again but be wary of red flags

StarlightMcKenzie · 07/10/2014 22:59

He doesn't want a project and you don't want a Project Manager, presumably?

Bulbasaur · 07/10/2014 23:10

I'd drop him. There are plenty of shy, docile girls out there that would clearly be a better match.

Whether he's unreasonable (he is!) or not isn't the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that you two aren't compatible.

shesawseashellsontheseashore · 07/10/2014 23:11

Feisty makes me think argumentative.

One of my old colleagues was 'feisty'. She used to bark at everyone and roll her eyes a lot. Talk about hard work...

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