New boyfriend called me a 'project'.

[proseccofiend]

First time poster. Please be nice. Been seeing a lovely guy since June. Met OLD. Not to dripfeed, but on Saturday after a fun night out after a few wines, we had a bit of an argument. I know I can be bolshy and assertive. Fiesty is probably a nicer term though! I am younger than him, but only by a few years (I am late twenties) He told me he didn't want a 'project' but otherwise really liked me. I told him it is not a Taming of the Shrew situation and to take a hike if that's what he thought. But I do like him a lot. AMIBU?

He does sound bloody controlling, which only gets worse.
Also, it's bloody difficult trying to divorce a controlling man, after realising it's never going to be acceptable.
I thought the odd controlling things could be overcome through communication.
Don't make the mistake I did.

This is not about a meal, being embarrassed about someone (rightfully) complaining or a meet up.

A real 'date' would have raised the issue FOR you with regard to the restaurant mucking up the first order and then bringing the plate to you cold. Either way, someone needed to bring it to the attention of the staff that the food was not right, again, and that they needed to put it right. I expect that given your former work experience you did do this with respect and manners. You are paying for food. as you ask for it and at the correct temperature. It's not 'asserting yourself' to correct them, it's what customers are supposed to do.

the key thing here that is of great concern is his PUNISHMENT of you.

He deliberately delayed his departure because he was annoyed and told you so. this is unacceptable. it is controlling and shows me a sign of potential abuse. At 4 months in... it's not good. he has no right to dish out retribution.

Had he have said 'I left a bit later so that you had time to change your mind if the venue chosen was unsuitable.' that would have been a whole different ball game. But no.

I understand some people need to know minute detail for every aspect of their lives so that they can breathe in and out, but it's perfectly 'London' and perfectly acceptable to say Come to such and such a street/station and call me. Or to suggest that you will get settled and text them so that when they come out of the tube, the exact location will be agreed.

ADDED to this he has called you a Project and something he has to 'manage', train or fix.

This man is making you second guess yourself and punishing you. already.

He went very quiet after that, refused to engage in conversation - a potential stonewaller too... in time to come he'd give you the silent treatment if you don't do as he wants.

don't talk to him about this, just end it. it's not worth another moment of your time. cancel the plans at the weekend and leave it at that.

Sorry. Always shit when you realise someone isn't as great as you thought they were. :(

What you did in the restaurant was completely reasonable - being sent the wrong food is wrong and you shouldn't put up with that, I can't think of anyone I know who would not have objected there - ditto cold food.

Most men I'm betting would have backed you up - 4 months into a relationship a bloke is usually defending his girlfriend and sticking up for her - he is still on best behavior generally.

Would he have let you eat the wrong food, or stone cold food? That doesn't sound very caring at all.

Also, the subsequent meet up - he sounds petty, like a child sulking.

He doesn't sound a good bet if he can't take the sight of you objecting to being served the wrong dinner!

?
I agree, he made a calculated decision to punish ?you for non compliance, as if you were a dog that he is training.
That is worrying ?

Hat Hissy said. Exactly all of that.

I think all three incidents are red flags.

You were right to complain in the restaurant. If you were polite and pleasant then you did nothing wrong.

What's the problem with being asked to meet at a station and then walk to the pub? I've been on both sides of this one loads of times. Wouldn't occur to me to find it irritating. And deliberately being late after that is childish.

I hate the word 'feisty', personally, as IMO men tend to use it to describe women who do not put up and shut up. When did you last hear a man beign described as 'feisty'?

Also, assertiveness is a good trait not a bad one. Again, it is sometimes used as a criticism for women but NEVER for men.

I think he sounds like a bit of a misogynist.

Alleluia, I have a chance to use my favourite MN word!

He's a cockwomble!

If you're wondering this much about what he really thinks of you now, do you think you will feel more or less insecure in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years? He is making you doubt yourself and your (perfectly reasonable) behaviour already. He is starting to get his claws into you - don't let him get a tighter grip. Get rid!

tbh the moment anyone called me a "project" they'd be out of my life.

why would you be with anyone who thinks you're "a bit of a fixer-upper"?

Indeed, 'project' aka 'fixer upper' aka a dilapidated property ?purchased with a view to improving it such that it meets your own requirements and tastes

Having just read this thread from start to finish instead of working i must say i agree with everyone else who is telling you to ditch this idiot

If you do still meet him on saturday i think i would be doing it with the view of having his behaviour questioned and dumping him when he showed his true colours once again by arguing back and blaming you which would be the confirmation that was the right thing to do

I think the deliberately leaving late to punish you (and the. Locking ou into that specific bar you'd selected) is not good. It does seem like he's trying to keep you in line.

There's quite enough information here for me to give a diagnosis, and my diagnosis is:

TWAT

Tell him to fuck off and stick his "project" up his arse.

Get out, stay out, and let this control freak sort his own life out.

The first incident in the restaurant I thought could be either of you and you would need to be there to know

That shit with the pub and punishing you because you didn't do what he said immediately?!!!! That won't get better.

Dump

Thanks. I am going to talk to him tonight- I can't have it hanging over me until the weekend. I was in a relationship of over six years prior to this- and for all his faults, my ex - boyfriend certainly never made me feel as though I needed training or fixing!

At the absolute best it's a clash of personalities (that's being generous) but the poster who said I shouldn't be questioning myself this early on hit it on the head. I am and it's not a nice feeling!

I have a feeling that his reaction as to why I am breaking it off with him will confirm what I already know.

You are not a project needing fixing or taking control of, your a person. If he can't accept that, then off he goes!

What were you arguing about - are you sure the project was you? (You weren't, for instance, arguing about whether it was better to buy a brand new house or one which needs work done to it or something like that?)

If it was you, I'd tell him you don't want a "project" either, so he'll need to reconsider his attitude sharpish.

And I'd missed this:

"when I called him on it said that the earlier phone call had irritated him so he hadn't felt like leaving on time. "

That's not a man, it's a spoiled toddler.

That said, if I was going to meet someone, I would want to know where to meet them if only as an emergency backup. Phones fail, things go wrong. I would be deeply unhappy to be told to head for a particular road and you'd be there somewhere.

"That said, if I was going to meet someone, I would want to know where to meet them if only as an emergency backup. Phones fail, things go wrong. I would be deeply unhappy to be told to head for a particular road and you'd be there somewhere."

Really? This happens just about every time I arrange to meet chums in an area that doesn't have a "local" or "usual place" that we've met at before. It sounds like he was about ten minutes away. By the time he'd emerged from the tube station the OP would either have sent a text with the name of the destination or would have been standing outside the station waiting for him.

He's not a five year old child who can't be expected to make his own way somewhere. He sounds like a right twat and I wouldn't be wasting any more time or energy even thinking about him, never mind meeting again. Fuck that!

Tell him he is right, no one needs a "project" so you are dumping him as you dont have time for a fixer upper.

Passive Aggressive Wanker!

(Him, not you!)

Something else has just clicked. His 'pet name' for me (I don't have one for him!) Is 'little one'. That's an indication of how he sees me isn't it. I have no idea how I didn't think of that before in light of his recent behaviour.

I am changing my response.

He didn't feel like leaving on time because he was irritated you couldn't specify a venue???

RUN.

This is a vile, petulant man-child. Run. Run. Run.

Sounds like he might be a dom looking for a sub tbh.

I've some friends into this and the sub is often referred to as 'little one' and also has 'projects' or 'goals'.

Suits them.

Run now before you fall in love with the charming bits, when you behave, and then it gets really really hard.