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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To report a mother to the head

197 replies

squidge08 · 07/10/2014 10:30

bit of a rant here but AIBU to have reported a mother who shouted at my child to the head. I was absolutely livid! She even had the audacity to shout at me!

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 07/10/2014 15:28

But Fanjo lots of people were asking what kind of shouting - was it aggressive, abusive, was she shouting for child to stop hitting etc. Lots of people also said they wouldn't shout at a child, lots of people said she probably over-reacted (shouty mum) but that OP didn't respond well. Lots of people said whilst they wouldn't agree with shouting at a child that it wasn't something to

Yes I am suspicious when threads change direction after so few people agreed with OP, that details were moulded differently into making sure that it reads that the other woman was being unreasonable.

for the first half of the thread the OP basically said - my son hurt another child and when the parent shouted at him, I went over and instead of asking whether her child was hurt, told her off for shouting. Then got irritated that she shouted at me too and reported it to the head.

Many posters pointed out that neither parties exactly covered themselves in glory and in answer to the actual question "WIBU to report her to the head" the answer was a fairly resounding yes.

Kewcumber · 07/10/2014 15:29

that it wasn't something to report to the head!

ThatBloodyWoman · 07/10/2014 15:36

Mr I can't help how people interpret phrasing, but a lot of it us to do with how its said.
I'm no gangsta, and I think that'd be apparent

WanderingTrolley1 · 07/10/2014 15:40

Squidge, I'd have been upset, too, if someone shouted at my ASD son, regardless of what happened. And, yes, accidents do happen.

I'm not sure what you're expecting the HT to do, though.

raltheraffe · 07/10/2014 15:45

The other lady did not swear, she did not threaten or intimidate. If someone knocked into my son I would shout at them to mind where they are going.

MissBattleaxe · 07/10/2014 16:18

This woman's alleged crime was shouting. Now since the OP never shouts at her child nor any other child ever, I would be interested to know what her definition of shouting is.

It could be that the other woman used a voice slightly louder and firmer than usual in order to make a point, or it could be that it was more of a savage yell. Considering the OP didn't even see the incident and only had her friend's version to go on, and was immediately defensive and unapologetic, it's not hard to see how the other woman as rubbed the wrong way.

I think the OP's version is a bit patchy in any case.

pictish · 07/10/2014 16:21

So do I. She neither saw or heard what happened, so....

raltheraffe · 07/10/2014 16:24

If I was the other woman I would be really pissed off about this. She may not have known about OP's son's SN.
Also why go telling the head? You are an adult, you have a voice in your head, if another parent upsets you why not have it out with them.
To be honest OP you sound like one of those mums that go rushing into school telling tales if anyone says anything to your precious son that you disagree with.
When my son complains about another child to me he is told to fight his own battles and stick up for himself.

Kewcumber · 07/10/2014 16:30

And, yes, accidents do happen. They do indeed. And I, myself have said "Accidents happen" in a situation where a child was hurt - difference was it was my child that was hurt and I said it in response to an apology and some concern from the other parent.

Isn't that the normal way it goes? You don't respond to an accident by dismissing it but by asking after the child, even if the parent was wailing like a banshee I would first have asked the child if they were OK.

Anyway whatever happened reporting it to the head was pointless. If the head saw the incident no reporting necessary and if they didn't then you just look a bit odd for thinking they'll do anything.

raltheraffe · 07/10/2014 16:41

I think a minority of parents of children with SN can be a bit over protective.

I was walking my well behaved dogs on leads in a park full of dog walkers. About 20 ft away was this woman with her DD. Her DD suddenly looked very scared, even though my dogs are not scary in appearance (eg rotties or staffies). My dogs were minding their own business, sniffing the grass as normal.

The next thing this woman is screaming at me like a banshee. How dare I go near her SN daughter with 2 dogs.

I told her to clear off. I did not know in advance about DDs SN and to be fair if you have a DD who has problems with dogs, do not take them to a park full of dog walkers.

Perhaps the reason DD was so terrified of dogs is because every time her mum sees a dog she starts screaming at people.

trufflehunterthebadger · 07/10/2014 16:53

So let me get this straight

Her child was actually physically hurt by your child
Your child was upset because he got told off

And you think you are the one who should be aggrieved and upset ? Her child was actually hurt and you not only rudely refused to apologise and discipline your child but actually have the entitlement to take offence at her reaction. How is she meant to know he is autistic ? I assume you don't have it emblazoned on his coat. Anyway, if he is being educated in mainstream education you should appreciate that people will expect him to not do things like knock other children over.

The only one out of the pair of you with the slightest entitlement to be upset is the other mother.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/10/2014 17:16

I see the usual marvellous understanding of SN and inclusion is alive and well on kast two posts.

OwlCapone · 07/10/2014 17:18

I do hope the OP hasn't made her first post on MN and then disappeared.

bialystockandbloom · 07/10/2014 17:38

owl I wouldn't blame her if she didn't come back after this. Classic case of chinese whispers, where one conjecture follows on from another till it becomes fact. I wish people would actually read what the OP has written.

WanderingTrolley1 · 07/10/2014 17:47

Incredibly sad, isn't it, Fanjo?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/10/2014 17:50

Yes WT. But not surprising now.

bialystockandbloom · 07/10/2014 17:52

So let me get this straight. Her child was actually physically hurt by your child Your child was upset because he got told off. And you think you are the one who should be aggrieved and upset ? Her child was actually hurt and you not only rudely refused to apologise and discipline your child but actually have the entitlement to take offence at her reaction.

trufflehunter that is not what happened.

Her child "just bumped into her in the way you would if you had accidently walked into someone" - no evidence of being actually hurt.

Other mum then sounds like she shouted enough at OP's ds to make him cry. OP did not "rudely refuse to apologise" or "discipline her child". She says that she was all ready to make ds apologise as she normally would do (bearing in mind his autism and ADHD and everything that goes with it), but other mother started shout at her too. OP then obviously felt that the other mum's reaction was way OTT, hence the situation escalating.

This is exactly how threads get totally skewed from the reality. One person summarises incorrectly, another responds to that summary, then another and another, until a totally different version of events has replaced the OP.

studiously ignores comments about disciplining child with autism

plentyavino · 07/10/2014 18:19

I'm baffled by the number of people who think it would be ok to shout at a child for accidentally bumping into their kid. I'd be disgusted if I seen this happening.

ILovePud · 07/10/2014 18:33

It's hard to say exactly how this happened though as the op only had it second hand from her friend and didn't witness the 'shouting'. I agree I wouldn't shout at someone else's child in a punitive way in these circumstances but perhaps she was worried that he was going to do it again and that the accidental bump wasn't so accidental. I think these things can get a bit distorted especially when emotions are running high. I know OP has got a bit of stick but ultimately I think many posters are trying to point out an alternative perspective in order to help her put this in perspective and maybe avoid steaming in and making things worse at the school.

LadyLuck10 · 07/10/2014 18:35

How does the op know it was just a bump? How does she know the woman 'shouted'? She was not there!
And don't a lot of kids end up crying when they know they're in trouble.
The ops story and subsequent change of version sounds like bs.

bialystockandbloom · 07/10/2014 19:58

ladyluck yes she was there, apart from seeing the initial bump itself. OP said early on that the woman came out of the classroom still shouting, then started to shout at her.

FWIW my ds has ASD, and wouldn't cry at being told off, unless he knew the telling off was grossy unfair. He's 7yo though, don't know how old OP's ds is, but if he's younger, then that really does seem OTT for another parent to shout.

FamiliesShareGerms · 07/10/2014 20:05

It takes a village to raise a child, and all that...

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