to think it is perfectly acceptable for a married couple to have separate finances?

[Flexibilityisquay]

DH and I have always kept our own bank accounts. Over the years we have ended up with a joint mortgage, and have a current account that all the household bills come out of, that we both pay into every month. Apart from that, all our money is kept separate. I am fairly sure that if we shared all our money it would be something we would fall out about, fairly often.

The reason I am asking is because there is one couple we see often, and if we make any mention of, who is going to pay for dinner etc they will always comment on how odd it is. It is an opinion I have often seen on here too, that all finances should be shared, and I just don't get it. It feels very important to me to be financially independent.

Bamba, why do you say it's better if you don't know how much he spends on himself? This makes it look like you don't see his salary as family money, but his money, that he has more rights to than you.

Amateurseamstress
Separate or joint accounts are neither here nor there. It's how you treat the money and each other, not whose name it is in

Yes, this is the key.

We've always had our own accounts but never viewed it as my money or his money just money.

When I worked part time and earned next to nothing we still had out own accounts and whatever was left after bills was family money. If he'd been the type of man to dole out "housekeeping" or an "allowance" then I'd be having the last laugh now as I am the main earner.

Neither of us have ever tried to pull rank about money or say "this is mine". We know roughly how much each other has left after bills are paid and we just add this amount together. Just becasue money is in his account we don't view it as his - same as money in my account isn't viewed as just mine. I've jsust been paid and so my account is flush. He's 3 weeks into his pay cycle so his account is spares. I've just transferred some money over to him. No bigee.

We were just too lazy to set up a joint account years ago and it has worked well so we're too lazy to change it.

I agree, ours are separate but it's all family money, it doesn't matter whose name is on the accounts and pretty well everything is paid by DD/SO so it's very easy to maintain. If we go out for a meal it doesn't matter whose pocket the cash came out of. DH leaves me to run it day to day, he just does his own savings, investments and tax return. We move money between each other if we have to, but haven't needed to for several years now, it is all set up in a way that works by itself.

HazleNutt" Bamba, why do you say it's better if you don't know how much he spends on himself? This makes it look like you don't see his salary as family money, but his
money, that he has more rights to
than you."

I'm just naturally more thrifty than him with less expensive tastes. He would be happy for me to spend more and encourages it but I have everything I need or want. I just don't understand why he spends as he does but it is his choice. I just let himget on with it - we don't keep tabs on what each other is spending. Would be interesting to find out though.

I've never come across people except on here who insist joint bank accounts is the norm! DH and I have something like three different accounts each. I had my own independent life before I met him, and had a bank account for everyday stuff and a savings account. I didn't see any point in getting rid of them when I got married!

I would find it very odd and somehow less committed than people who share everything but each to their own.

jellybeans I would find it very odd and somehow less committed than people who share everything but each to their own.

How judgmental. I find it old fashioned and something that my grandparents might have done, because my grandmother wasn't expected to earn her own money after marriage. You don't have to share a bank account to have shared finances, when there is internet banking fgs!

whatever, it is simply an opinion.

'Less committed'? That'll give my parents a chortle at their golden wedding anniversary. They don't have any joint finances!

In the same vein, you could suggest that insisting on sharing everything implies lack of trust.

I had joint finances with my ex. Untangling them after a decade was a nightmare, particularly with an ex who just CBA to do his side of the work. His attitude to finances was one of the various things I divorced him for.

Separate finances with DH. We're quite committed, TYVM.

Whether you have a joint account or various accounting measures that means finances are open and transparent doesn't really matter really because the financial information is shared.

A friend supported herself on mat leave for about 6 months until she had to say to her DH that she didn't have any money. He paid the mortgage and she paid the bills prior to the baby being born and the arrangement had continued post-birth. He assumed everything was ok and hadn't volunteered to cover more of the bills despite her fall in salary. She still doesn't know how much he earns and he wouldn't tell her. I think this type of arrangement is the problem, not separate accounts per se.

I had a separate bed to DH too before we lived together. It doesn't mean I carried that on after we made a commitment. Why would my bank account be any different? That's genuinely how I see it.

But as I said earlier, each to their own. I just don't see why money should be treated as separate when other things aren't.

We often sleep separately too. Maybe it's a pattern!

No, as far as I'm concerned the separate finances would have no bearing whatsoever on a divorce settlement, however there is usually a long period of (often acrimonious) separation first, obviously I hope that isn't going to happen but if it did it's good that neither party can suddenly drain joint accounts.

IMO the commitment in/strength of a marriage is measured by how you support each other through the really tough times. It is certainly not measured by whether or not you share a bank account - that's just a ridiculous notion!

V good point Permanently. Also Dh and I made our commitment to each other a long time before we got married, so it wasn't a major event for us. Hence it wasn't an obvious thing to open a joint account.

We also sleep separately but that's only because I became a very light sleeper after having dc. We couldn't be more committed

" How can you ever risk splurging on something, incase the other partner has just done the same? "
We talk to each other

That's a controversial approach Stealth

Do people really debate buying pants or feel the need to tell their partner. If we need pants, we buy pants. He buys his, I buy mine. I know when he's bought them as they all come from amazon in my name, he probably knows when I buy mine as I have a shopping trip every summer which I tell him about! But either way it doesn't matter. No one needs permission to buy pants from our joint account,

Chelsy totally agree on shared finances being different to joint bank account. We have two bank accounts from before we got together but just stuck each other on each account as joint account holders. I see that as equivalent to joint finances/joint account and the only reason we would discuss who was paying in a restaurant is because we both wanted to go to the loo...

That's what i like my own separate account. I can splurge to my hearts content without worrying if he's splurging away merrily as well, and he doesn't get to see what I'm splurging on.

If you're happy with it, it's fine. I do find it a bit odd, but that's because it's never really worked for me and DP and from the start we pretty much pooled finances. We did attempt to have separate finances for a while but one would buy something at the shop that was both of us or use the wrong card or somehow mismanage it. So we gave up and even with separate accounts I'd throw more into the joint account if we fell short and once he goes back for his third year I'll make up any shortfall again as it'll be the only year he doesn't work whilst studying.

We have similar ideas about spending though, we both make impulse buys occasionally and have always spoken to the other about anything bigger, even when it was our own money. I work and he's a student currently, but in a few years time he'll be working and my work will become redundant when we have children so to go back to work I'll need to retrain. Ideally I'll become a SAHM though. So there would be quite a difference in our personal incomes and personal lifestyles if we didn't pool our finances.