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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is perfectly acceptable for a married couple to have separate finances?

216 replies

Flexibilityisquay · 06/10/2014 10:06

DH and I have always kept our own bank accounts. Over the years we have ended up with a joint mortgage, and have a current account that all the household bills come out of, that we both pay into every month. Apart from that, all our money is kept separate. I am fairly sure that if we shared all our money it would be something we would fall out about, fairly often.

The reason I am asking is because there is one couple we see often, and if we make any mention of, who is going to pay for dinner etc they will always comment on how odd it is. It is an opinion I have often seen on here too, that all finances should be shared, and I just don't get it. It feels very important to me to be financially independent.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 06/10/2014 16:48

Family holiday - 1/2 and 1/2. Petrol - 1/2 and 1/2, if it's a shared trip, which it hardly ever is. Kids haircuts - whoever takes 'em!

If money isn't an issue, and I don't just mean you have loads of it or anything, then it doesn't cause arguments. Why would it? If I need to spend £50 on clothes for DC then I just tell DP I've spent it, and he either transfers me the money or says that he needs to spend an equivalent amount on something else so it's quits. It works exactly the same way as taking money out of a joint account, because it's still a joint pot.

MerryMarigold · 06/10/2014 16:53

It works exactly the same way as taking money out of a joint account, because it's still a joint pot.

I don't have to ask dh if I need to spend 50 quid on clothes for the kids though. I just use the bank card and he trusts my discretion as I trust his.

The positive would be that he has a huge family, so maybe he'd have to buy all 'their' presents and I could just buy my very small family's presents.

MsRinky · 06/10/2014 17:11

Do what you like.

Don't see what it's got to do with being financially independent though. I consider myself to be financially independent - if MrRinky got hit by a bus or ran off to join the circus tomorrow I could keep myself afloat.

But all of our money is ours and it's all in joint accounts apart from ISAs which can't be held jointly. I earn about 25% more than him, he gets shares and bonuses every now and again, probably all comes out the same in the end. I'm not keeping a tally of whether his beer money equals what I spend on books, or constantly fretting about whether our spending is "fair".

Suppose it is easy now that we are financially comfortable, but we've run things like this for 25 years, including very skint periods and times where one of us hasn't been earning and not a cross word yet.

Trills · 06/10/2014 17:16

Not just acceptable but sensible.

Even if you trust each other 100%, having a joint household/child-related pot and separate spending money just makes life easier. No need to worry about the other person's personal spending, or worry about what they think about yours.

The important thing is that you DO talk about it and make sure that things are fair - and it sounds like you have.

(IMO if you earned different amounts, especially if you have children, you should balance the joint pot such that you each have the same amount left over to play with)

Thurlow · 06/10/2014 17:39

Exactly, Trills. Some people just prefer knowing that they have bank accounts and savings in their own name. Some people feel more secure doing this.

Fluffyears · 06/10/2014 17:49

When me and do moved I together we set up a joint account then worked out the bills and food and we transfer 50% of that amount each into the joint account. He earns slightly more so he pays for car and fuel as he uses the car everyday for work but I use it when I need to. If one of us has money we treat the other one. Why should he be responsible for paying the small debt I have and why should I bd responsible for his lunches as he doesn't take a packed lunch like I do. It works so don't fix what ain't broke.

MerryMarigold · 06/10/2014 17:55

So basically 'separate finances' means a bit of monthly spending money each?

Missunreasonable · 06/10/2014 18:19

Who pays for a family holiday? If dh got a big bonus, would you expect to see any of it?

We pay for family holidays out of the money that we both contribute towards the 'household pot'. If DP gets a big bonus (only happened once) he would put it towards a major household purchase or save it for rainy day unforeseen household repairs etc. It isn't that we don't share money it's just that we each have an account that we pay bills from and spend from.
Like I said, we have never argued about money, never seen the need to combine ALL of our money and it works for us.
I find people that think married couples would argue about who pays for ice creams or holidays etc much weirder than people who maintain some financial independence because it works for them and doesn't cause arguments or money angst.

Trills · 06/10/2014 18:23

You must have very narrow-minded friends if they think that this level of "separateness" is unusual or a sign of something being wrong.

FinallyHere · 06/10/2014 18:25

Well, we each have an account and pay 'housekeeping' into a join account. We pay for the bills and most joint expenses from the joint account. If it needs topping up, or in anticipation of heavier than usual spending, at Christmas or before a holiday, we each transfer half of whatever is required.

As many have said upthread, it works for us.

For those who keep everything in a joint account, what i would love to understand is how do you know what spending money you have? How do you know whether you should tighten your belt and allow reserves to build up? How can you ever risk splurging on something, incase the other partner has just done the same?

Apologies for nosiness, I would love to know how it works for others.

Viviennemary · 06/10/2014 18:27

Personally it's not an arrangement I would like. And I can't see how it can work unless people earn roughly the same. But unless you ask them for their opinion your friends are out of order to comment.

Sapat · 06/10/2014 18:34

We do the same. Can't see the problem, though now I think we should swap it (ie have salaries going in joint account and get standing order for fixed sum to personal accounts). But can't be faffed to change.

mrsminiverscharlady · 06/10/2014 18:39

Fine, if it works for you. But in too many cases that I've seen it ends up with one person (usually the wife) having less money to spend on themselves than the other.

Original poster
Flexibilityisquay · 06/10/2014 18:46

I can totally see how it wouldn't work for everyone. If ever one of us started earning less than the other we'd have to have a re think. I would still want us to both have separate spending money though.

I think we are lucky to earn similar amounts. We are also lucky that when DS arrived we were both able to drop our hours slightly and do flexible hours so our earnings stayed roughly equal.

OP posts:
whatever5 · 06/10/2014 18:46

I think that a lot of couples have a joint account for bills and separate accounts for everything else. We did that until we had children as it gets a bit more complicated then, I think.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 06/10/2014 18:54

We've been together for 23 years, married for half that, and still have separate accounts. It works for us. I earn a bit more so pay more costs, we probably end up with a similar amount of money for frivolous stuff, which is not much at the moment....

Our mortgage,is joint.

SnowBells · 06/10/2014 18:58

DH earns slightly more than me.

We do this:

  • We have separate accounts
  • DH pays mortgage and car insurance
  • I pay utility bills, council tax, both mobile phones, make debt payments and invest some money
  • We both pay into a household pot to be used for holidays
  • We have a joint credit card for daily expenditure that we pay in full 50/50 each month
MerryMarigold · 06/10/2014 18:59

how do you know what spending money you have? How do you know whether you should tighten your belt and allow reserves to build up? How can you ever risk splurging on something, incase the other partner has just done the same?

Talking!

Generally speaking, dh and I wouldn't go shopping on the same day and make a massive purchase. We can both keep an eye on the account, in the same way you keep an eye on your own account.

Mintyy · 06/10/2014 19:01

Yanbu. Just so long as whatever arrangements you have for paying for everything are totally fair.

1aubergine2triceratops · 06/10/2014 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mintyy · 06/10/2014 19:04

Finallyhere - Dh and I have joint finances for everything. Its because we are too lazy to do it any other way.

Neither of us would spend more than, I'd say, £150 on anything without mentioning it to the other.

Suefla62 · 06/10/2014 19:06

My daughter and her husband have their own accounts and also a joint account for household expenses. They have been married for 12 years now. Every year they discuss roughly how much they need for expenses each month, add a couple of hundred dollars for unforeseen things, and divide how much they put in by earning power. (My daughter earns twice as much as her husband so she puts 2/3 rd in and he puts 1/3. Works out perfectly.

Me624 · 06/10/2014 19:13

DH and I have joint everything, except ISAs which can't be, but we still consider them to be the joint pot. It's just what makes sense for us in a marriage, and I do agree with some other posters that I find it odd when friends who are married split the cost of a meal out etc between them instead of one paying for the couple's share. I earn about 1/3 more than DH at the moment (although he's expecting a bonus that will even it up a bit) and most of our savings are money that I inherited too but what's mine is his and vice versa. He spends more on frivolous everyday things but I have way more regular outgoings (hair, manicures etc and hobbies) so I reckon it's about even really in terms of spending. We consult each other before making any really big purchases.

lurkernowposter · 06/10/2014 19:14

YANBU Our finances are completely separate, we split bills equally. If we go for a meal sometimes I pay, sometimes she pays, there's no discussion about who's turn it is, life's to short. She has her own accounts and I've no idea what's in them it's none of my business. like you I'm baffled as to why so many people on here think that's so unusual.

skylark2 · 06/10/2014 19:17

We have separate savings because it makes sense tax wise (he's higher rate, I'm not), but everyday money? That's joint. I would have been very uncomfortable with the vast majority of our income being "his" when we had small children.

"It's how you treat the money and each other, not whose name it is in."

This. We actually have a current account each after the issues a few years back when one of the big banking networks went down and there were people on the news in a real mess because they couldn't access their money for days, so I got a current account with a bank on the other network. His salary goes in one and mine in the other because you get better deals if you pay a salary in, but we both have access to both accounts.