to think it is perfectly acceptable for a married couple to have separate finances?

[Flexibilityisquay]

DH and I have always kept our own bank accounts. Over the years we have ended up with a joint mortgage, and have a current account that all the household bills come out of, that we both pay into every month. Apart from that, all our money is kept separate. I am fairly sure that if we shared all our money it would be something we would fall out about, fairly often.

The reason I am asking is because there is one couple we see often, and if we make any mention of, who is going to pay for dinner etc they will always comment on how odd it is. It is an opinion I have often seen on here too, that all finances should be shared, and I just don't get it. It feels very important to me to be financially independent.

We've always had separate accounts. The only joint account is the savings account. The only reason that's joint is because he spends a lot of months of the year away and uncontactable so I can get at large sums of cash if I need it.

He earns way more than I do so he pays all the bills, mortgage, savings, holidays etc. When I'm not working (maternity, periods of unemployment when we've moved for example) then he'll shove a lump sum into my account every month. Note I didn't say 'allowance'! If we had a joint current account then I'd feel uncomfortable about spending anything at all because it'd feel like 'his' money. Neither of us like having to account for what we spend so at least if the cash in our bank accounts is ours only then we can do exactly as we please.

We have never argued about money or had big discussions about who's turn it is to pay for what. The worst that has ever happened has been if I've said I want to go out for dinner and he's told me the finances are running low. Easy peasy, I pay!

We've been married for 18 years and it's what works for us. It might seem old fashioned to some but (and this is going to make some MNers gasp in horror) I'm one of those weird ones who lived with their parents and then moved straight in with her husband so there's no hope for me!

If it works for you, that's fine. In the nicest possible way, I don't really care what other couples chose to do with their money.

MI, to me marriage is a pulling of all resources; practical, financial, emotional, everything. If you chose to do stuff differently that's absolutely fine, your choice, but it's what we signed up for.

Separate accounts work for us. All the bills come out of DH's account as he earns more. I pay for grocery shopping, my car expenses and all sorts of other stuff. We both live pretty hand to mouth a lot of the time, so if we go out the one who's account is looking the healthiest is the one who pays.

Even though we only have seperate accounts we both view all money as family money.

I don't see the problem with seperate accounts at all, or why couples with a joint account find it so odd.

I think there's an interesting point about the "old fashioned-ness" of joint finances. DH and I met at college and pooled our limited resources from very early on. So when I earned more than he did one summer, I paid more towards our holiday than he did, because I wanted to go on holiday with him, rather than not go on holiday together. When I was a graduate student and he had a job, he would give me money to pay for my ticket to visit him (I could take long weekends, so I travelled more often than he). When he got his first credit card, he put me as an additional card holder for things like that, and for me to use in an emergency. As soon as we lived together, we opened a joint account, and have had one since. As we met at 19, on student grants, we've never had separate finances ever really. Which I suppose is analogous to Trills' point about it being like moving from your parents' into a marriage.

Yes, we've been together from uni too and it's always been joint. Maybe I would view it slightly differently if I'd lived alone living off one salary for a period of time. We lived together from me doing my PGCE when he was in his final year then I was the only one working for the 2nd year whilst he was at law school then we bought a house and it went on from there.

We are married and have separate accounts our salaries go into, and also a joint account and joint credit card. We put enough into the joint to pay bills, although as my dh earns nearly 3 x what I do he puts in more, although it's not worked out to a formula.

Until we had children we kept finances fairly separate, but since having children, and unpaid mat leave and then I worked part-time to spend some family time with the children, everything belongs to both, up to a point. Food shopping, children's clothes, clubs etc come from the joint account. We still both like to have our own accounts so we can buy presents etc.

We both save each month too, but when we want to buy something big - extension etc, then we both put in money.

We have similar approaches to money, and although he earns more than I do, we are actually both on good salaries so money isn't tight (but we're both fairly cautious spenders). I think that helps.

As for taking people out for dinner - until we had the children that would come from our separate account, but these days although one of us might invite the other, we know the money's coming from a joint pot really. If we're going somewhere v expensive then we need to agree before hand that we're going there and have a good reason.

During mat leave I saved most of my salary during the first 6 months paid instead of putting it in the joint, and then used those savings for the final 6 months. Child stuff came out of the joint account, but I didn't want to feel I had to ask for more money when I wasn't being paid, so can just use my account. It's psychological really.

I think there are 2 different schools of thought here. There are couples with joint a/c's and couples with individual/joint a/c's who equally consider all of it to be family money but keep a separate a/c so they can buy gifts and spend on hobbies etc . All these couples would consult re any major purchases such as a car or holiday and would consider what they had would be available to partner and vice versa if needed. This seems to be just different ways of saying the same thing.
There is then a completely different school of thought that says, what is mine is mine,what is his is his ,and we will pool some money for joint stuff. This to me goes against the vows I made when we married, but then,not everyone on MN is married and those that are did not all say the same vows. I am also one of those very old fashioned girls who did not live with DH until we married and it never crossed my mind to have a separate bank a/c.

Have been married to my DH for 3 months but have been together 10 years and we have separate bank accounts but a joint mortgage.
I earn approx twice as much as DH so the mortgage and bills come out of my account and DH gives me X amount per week which I use to buy food, treat myself, do what I want with.
We have our own cars, mobiles etc which we both pay for separately. If we go out for dinner, we split it 50/50.
Any money left over, is for us to do with as we wish with no questions asked.
Big purchases which are for both of us, are also split 50/50.
Might not be everyone's ideal, but works for us and we both remain financially independent.

If you're both happy and it's fair the actual financial set up doesn't matter so much. If you're discussing who's paying when the bill comes, it could come across as being abigger deal then it really is to you.

Our financial set up his unfair to my dp. When we first moved in together all the bills and mortgage continued to come out of his account. He already owned the house and we never got round to changing things. I tended to pick up other expenss. Then when I became a Sahp I got access to his account.

My earnings were sporadic when I returned to work so anything I earns went into my acount and paid for nice extra's. I'm on a good wage now and still have access to his account, all the bills come out of his, but he doesn't have access to mine. Again it's laziness that we haven't sorted it out, we both regard my wages as ours.

but I didn't want to feel I had to ask for more money when I wasn't being paid, so can just use my account

Gruntbaby, I guess your post highlights for me that people just view things differently. I have spent 8yrs of the last 11 not being paid because I was a long term sahm. However, I was still massively contributing to our household and certainly making DHs life easier by sah so neither of us ever viewed it as him supporting himself and me but rather us both supporting each other in different ways. And of course, due to me being at home his career progressed hugely in a way it simply couldn't have done if we'd needed to share childcare and school runs and covering sickness etc which would have limited his hours and his ability to travel. He has said many times that my being at home facilitated his large earning capacity to in that sense we are both responsible for the amount he is able to bring home. I'm not trying to make this a thread about sahms, just saying that I could never see the separate finances thing working if one of you steps back after having children.

Separate bank accounts here. We were together a long time before getting married, for some reason it just didn't occur to us to get a joint bank account.

We used to split the bills, then when we had dc we just moved all the bills to come from his account while I was a SAHM (earning a bit WOH 1 day a week).

By doing this, we've always had roughly the same amount in each of our accounts to spend. If one had lots and the other was running out, we'd just transfer some over.

We see no reason to change. 100% committed relationship. My dsis thinks it's weird though

Having been married for well over 10 years and having supported each other through the deaths of two of our parents, I would suggest that we hardly need a joint account to prove the strength of our marriage!

It's good go have both joint and seperate

Joint for bills good mortgage etc

Seperate tho I can buy sb (for those who know me in real life) and when dh was alive he could buy fags fishing stuff etc - out own money and do what we like with it

Do the same with dp

We're a mixture. We have our own accounts where our salaries are paid. Then we transfer all but an agreed amount to the joint account for all bills, joint credit card bill, etc. We also have our own credit cards. We rarely argue about money. We used to do the proportional thing but DH now earns twice as much as I do (I work part time) so the equal disposable income seemed simpler and better for me.

I would think it a bit odd if you discussed who was paying if we went out, mainly because I'd assume you'd have sorted this out in advance if it was a question.

I will never understand a married couple not knowing what the other earns though.

"How is the money my partner earns 'mine too'? Is my ISA his?"

any money we have is joint, regardless of who earned it. we only have a joint account and a credit card that is also joint. actually dh does have an ISA and yes, that is mine as well as his!

it works for us but that doesn't mean it would work for anyone else - there isn't a definitive right or wrong way to deal with finances, as long as both partners are happy with their own arrangement.

The problem inevitably comes when children arrive and women have a period of not earning and the family rely on 'his' money. All fine and good if he co-operates, but in so many cases he still sees the money as his. It's all very well saying he 'should' do this and that, but when it comes to it there's little legally you can do to enforce it, especially in the short term.

I had 3 dc under the age of 6 when my ex H decided to behave like this because he didn't agree with me not going back to work, even though there was no way in a million years we could make it work on a practical basis. He chose to ignore the realities of the situation and then without telling me he diverted his salary away from the joint account and emptied it. So, there I was in our lovely 5 bedroom house, while he was in the City, our 2 mercedes on the drive, and I had absolutely no money. I had my own account of course but having a separate account doesn't mean much when there's 32p in it.

Sorry to derail.

LL - the only thing I'd query in your post is that this isn't 'inevitable' for everyone. I financed both my maternity leaves entirely myself.

We have both our salaries paid into our joint account. Everything goes in and everything goes out. We find this the easiest way (because we are lazy!). Never had any problems/arguments.

When we have built up a bit we take it and put it in one of the ISAs.

That's an extremely good point, LizzyLizard. Dh is a very good egg and was more than happy to pay all the bills from his a/c while I was sahm, but he might not have been, then I'd have been in a right pickle. You can't always predict how men will behave when you become financially vulnerable and it's too late, even if they've been nice before.

Perhaps having a joint a/c gives a layer of protection for women once they have babies. I also think an emergency fund in your name is a good idea too.

Motherinferior, do you mean you financed your half of mortgage and bills whilst on mat leave? That really isn't possible for most people. I'd also argue that I'm not sure it's fair to continue to pay half whilst on reduced or no wages. Surely children and their care are the responsibility of both parents? By staying home and caring, for however long, one parent is financially contributing by virtue of it not costing the other anything in childcare.

It's what works for you. Myself and dh are exactly three same. Even though I only work pt now it just means dh pays much more into the bill account. When I was a sahm for a while dh just paid everything and sent a chunk to my account on pay day so we had the same spending. Separate isn't bad

I had four months off - I'm self-employed - and I really don't earn very much but at the time I was earning a lot more than my partner; so yes, I paid at the time. He now earns a lot more than I do and has paid in rather more than I have over the years.

There wasn't an alternative option, frankly.

It wasn't a criticism. If you're able to do it then great. However the reality is that for most women taking mat leave, they face a dramatically reduced income and therefore 'keeping up' just isn't feasible. Nor is it right, IMO.