to think it is perfectly acceptable for a married couple to have separate finances?

[Flexibilityisquay]

DH and I have always kept our own bank accounts. Over the years we have ended up with a joint mortgage, and have a current account that all the household bills come out of, that we both pay into every month. Apart from that, all our money is kept separate. I am fairly sure that if we shared all our money it would be something we would fall out about, fairly often.

The reason I am asking is because there is one couple we see often, and if we make any mention of, who is going to pay for dinner etc they will always comment on how odd it is. It is an opinion I have often seen on here too, that all finances should be shared, and I just don't get it. It feels very important to me to be financially independent.

I think it's fine. Me and DH are now on our second month of 'pooling our money' (I work part-time and just about to go on maternity leave for the second time).

Before now we have been doing just as you OP, separate accounts and a joint we both pay into.
Only reason we decided to change it was because we never knew how much money we had left. One person would be left with money at the end of the month and the other into their overdraft

I do like having my own money though and will probably go back to that at a later date.

Just to say I totally agree with OP. Married 30 years, always separate accounts. I agree financial independence very important.

We do the same OP - DH is so rubbish with money it would stress me out no end (rightly or wrongly).
He earns more, he pays more into joint.
When I (hopefully) go part time next year we might have to consider a joint account but until then i like how it is.

In 20+ years, we have had several different configurations. Different times have different solutions. But even in seperate accounts, it was always ours, except for child support from my girls dad. That was theirs.

I'm another one who finds it really odd when my friends discuss who is going to pay for something like a meal out and being excited about tricking hubby into doing some food shopping from his account etc. When I got married we vowed 'all that I am I give to you and all that I have I share with you'. I cannot see any reason to have a separate a/c to DH. As for saying/thinking 'it is none of my business what my partner earns' I find that opinion utterly bizarre. Alot of big family decisions are based on such info.Where can we afford to live,what car can we afford,where can we go on holiday,how much do we need to be saving for retirement etc. I think women who have been let down in relationships and left in financial straits must feel vulnerable not having their own savings but in reality it is often the woman who is earning less anyway and would benefit more from a joint a/c. Maybe this just works for us because we are both very sensible with money and neither of us have expensive habits.

YANBU. I think sometimes it depends on your age of marriage. If you were financially independent for a long time pooling all money seems unnecessary and a bit scary. DH and I keep our finances separate. Works for us.

I agree with oneskinnychip if you've been used to separate finances for a while it seems really odd to merge completely. I'm a bit to be honest about all you 'it's weird to have your own accounts' MN folk when over on relationships practically every thread ends up advising people to have their own accounts and stay in control of their own finances!

I've been with DH for years, we've always had separate accounts, we only got a joint one to pay the mortgage and we use that for bills. Everything else is separate and we talk about who pays what. It worked when I was on maternity leave and earned nothing and it works now I earn considerably more than DH. But then I trust him and feel like the way we split payment is fair. I hope he does too. And I like having my money which I earned. Wouldn't work if one of us was a prat and didn't respect family commitments / spending but then neither would wholly merged finances. And it's nice to take him out and treat him, just as it's nice when he takes me out and chooses to treat me.

Am relieved to read this thread, as me and DP have separate accounts, and I thought the general consensus here/everywhere was that it is weird!

We each pay in an amount proportional to our earnings into a joint acc for mortgage, bills, food, kids activities, childcare etc.

The rest we keep in our own accounts and spend/save as we choose.

For meals out, one of us treats the other, which makes it feel quite special in a way. For kids clothes/presents etc one of us tends to pay depending on who goes to the shops, or we use joint acc if it is flush.

I much prefer it. Eg today I went out and bought some winter clothes. No discussion, didn't feel compelled to tell him how much they were. Didn't have to worry whether he has had the same 'spends' this month. He spends on his hobbies and I don't have to give it a moment's thought.

Suits us very well.

I think its odd (but wouldn't say it to you in RL because that's rude). At the end of the day its all matrimonial money anyway if you're married.

We have been married for ages and have separate bank accounts. Works perfectly and we never have any arguments over money. Mortgage comes out of DH's account (he is full-time and I am part-time so he earns more). I pay for some bills, most things for DD and save money for our summer holiday. We have 2 cars. Whoever is in the car when it needs topped up pays for this. If we go out for dinner, DH usually pays. We happily ask each other to pay for stuff e.g. get money out for the cleaner etc.

We are fortunate that we both earn enough money to cover all the basics plus extras without worrying. I love having my own bank account too.

Each to their own. As long as it works and people are happy then who gives a crap!

How on earth is it 'all matrimonial money'?

Mind you I'm not married.

Entirely joint finances seems an entirely dated thing to do.

ust feel the urge to add that I have absolutely no idea what any of my rl friends/family do about money and shared or individual bank accounts. The subject has never once come up with any of them, and I can't say I have given it a moment's thought.

Why is it dated? We are a family, the money all belongs to the family. If we need something we buy it. What's wrong with that?

I couldn't have shared finances - just wouldn't work for me. I would hate being accountable to anyone about how I choose to spend my money. The very thought makes me twitch.

But it is just about what works for you and your partner as a couple. There is no right way and if people are rude enough to comment, well, that shows their dreadful manners.

We have separate finances and we've been married for over 20 years. Suits us.

If one of you earns more than the other then you just adjust how much each of you puts into the joint pot. By talking about it. It's not that difficult.

I agree with Hoot that entirely joint finances seems very old-fashioned. It makes me think of a marriage where both moved straight from living with their parents to living with each other.

It's nice to see so many long term marriages and relationships where the couple have separate bank accounts but are still happy and don't argue about money. Many on here have been married a long time and are happy with their separate bank accounts.

It depends on the couple - IMO trouble arises when differences in income become big - particularly if one party (usually the woman in a heterosexual relationship) gives up work to care for dc - whether that choice is driven by financial (if childcare outstrips one wage) or by the couple's parenting ideals/preferences - compounded by damage or delay in any career subsequent to the return to work of the sahp.

Ps we have separate accounts but generally pay our proportion of the bills and end up generally equal.

I think it will probably save your relationship

We are married but retain totally separate bank accounts. We don't even have a joint account, but do have a joint credit card. We have divided up the financial responsibilities amongst ourselves and just get on with it. When I was on mat leave (self employed), we shifted the financial responsibilities around a bit, but I have always bought my own stuff, and he his.

I don't think we would deal with joint accounts etc very well. I need my independence and we both need to not have to justify our expenditure.

I CANNOT get my head around asking him for money to buy my pants, or having to justify my level of expenditure from a theoretical joint account....

Pps I don't think it matters whether money goes in or out of a joint account or separate ones - surely it's just somewhere to facilitate you movements of money -it's the equality - one party should not be living the life of Riley while the other scrimps, or begs for pocket money.

We have completely separate finances. Always have. It's always worked well but probably because we have been on the same career paths and I have always worked full time.

My parents have been married for 57 years. Both professionals. They have a joint account, although separate savings accounts.
My mother used to complain that she could never buy my father a present because he would know how much it cost, ditto buying something for herself.
My husband and I kept finances separate, but would transfer money to one another if required.