to think it is perfectly acceptable for a married couple to have separate finances?

[Flexibilityisquay]

DH and I have always kept our own bank accounts. Over the years we have ended up with a joint mortgage, and have a current account that all the household bills come out of, that we both pay into every month. Apart from that, all our money is kept separate. I am fairly sure that if we shared all our money it would be something we would fall out about, fairly often.

The reason I am asking is because there is one couple we see often, and if we make any mention of, who is going to pay for dinner etc they will always comment on how odd it is. It is an opinion I have often seen on here too, that all finances should be shared, and I just don't get it. It feels very important to me to be financially independent.

For the people who are married and have separate finances: can I be nosey and ask what you would do if you got divorced? Would you stick by the division of savings and divide up e.g. house 50/50 (or according to the proportion you paid into the mortgage or however you worked it out?)

I am another of the married early, joint finances brigade - our lives are now too involved for separate finances to work (2 young kids, me part time stb SAH trailing spouse as we relocate for DH's work) but even.when they weren't I would have felt uncomfortable spending significant cash on anything without involving DH. Luckily we are both quite stingy and devoted to a lifelong goal of.retiring early so we tend not to make.many big discretionary buys. If we once manage it and have cash to spend I can see we.might have to learn how to negotiate with each other

We are joint but separate!

Salary goes into the "Big Joint Account". Mortgage is paid from that account plus direct debits and standing orders plus one off household bills (insurance/parking permit/car service (we only have one car and it's not used for commuting))

We are get the same amount of cash into a personal current account to spend as we like - it has to cover commuting (tube), lunches, drinks and dinner out, gym, clothes and gifts etc.

We then have a joint "house spending" account - which covers groceries, cleaner, kids expenses, kitty for our nanny and smaller house spends like a pot of paint or new curtains or bedding.

Theoretically, the Big Joint Account builds up a surplus over the course of the year which is used for holidays/one-off big ticket items/surprise bills. Any significant balance is siphoned off into our joint offset mortgage savings account. In practice, we are just about surviving in the black month to month but it my first year back after mat leave so things are tougher than normal.

We also have a CC each which is used to smooth cash flow in bad months. We either pay it off ourselves from our spending money if it is personal spends or transfer cash from the joint account if it is family spends.

I like this because:

• we can both see all the cash that comes in to the house (I have a friend who don't disclose the full extend of his pay rises and siphon off some cash (in fairness, to savings, not to pay for fast cars and loose women));
• I can see the total picture of significant outgoings and where we need to tighten our belts/think more carefully/start increasing savings;
• the drip drip of kids expenses and food shopping and household drudge is totally clear and upfront - particularly with twins still in nappies, this adds up to a lot and I have often seen female friends get stuck with covering all of the food and kids costs - which are huge and neverending
• I still can blow all my own cash on an expensive pair of shoes if I like (chance would be a fine thing but it could happen!) and I don't feel like I should spend it on DTs - their costs are already built into the joint account spending so it ring fences my money as my own (I do still buy them things but it is a treat from me to them, not a constant sacrifice of my own needs to theirs)
• we can treat each other if we want - for me, it would take a tiny bit of the joy out if DH pays for something and then there is less money for the groceries later that month!

This also worked well when I was on mat leave. Our personal spending amount reduced significantly but it was just a case of rejigging the direct debits rather than totally changing our way of managing money.

I continued to pay for my share of the bills during both my periods of mat leave. My employers gave me 6 months off on full pay each time. Which just goes to show that we are all approaching this issue from different viewpoints.

toomuch We have never discussed what would happen if we got divorced. I'm not sure there's much point to be honest. If it was amicable we'd probably agree to each keep our own savings and DH would probably stick to our pre-marital agreement where I have a much larger share of the house. If it wasn't amicable we'd probably both be fighting for every penny we could get! Hopefully it will never happen.

Yes we have a very similar arrangement - a joint account that we use for bills and both pay into, but we maintain separate current and savings accounts/investments, and our salaries go into our personal accounts not the joint account. As a few other people have suggested, I think it works for us because we earn similar amounts, are not on a horribly tight budget, and have not had a period of very unequal earning - my maternity leave was only 4.5 months and I was on full pay throughout; this time (I'm pregnant) I might take 5 or 6 months but will only have a month or two at most when I'm earning a lot less.

Another reason that it works for us is that although we have similar levels of savings at the moment, we have totally different approaches: DH likes to take no risk whatsoever, whereas I enjoy choosing and managing my own investments and have lots of different things, quite a few of which are very high risk and volatile as a result (change value a lot). DH would find this super stressful. So it is good that we have separate savings - and long term his no-risk approach probably roughly balances out my high-risk one!

We have a joint account that DH's salary goes into and all of the bills are paid for from. I have my own account that my pay goes into (I work part time so earn significantly less than him). Very fortunate in that I don't have to contribute to any bills - DH said from day one he did not expect me to, it was his job to provide. probably will get flamed now That said I buy food and then save 75% of my salary which pays for our holidays and things for the house. I rarely spend any money on myself.

Yes, PE, that is of course the issue. Your mat benefits were obviously very good and you returned after 6mths so no issue. This isn't the case for many women though. However, it is the case that childcare costs money and by staying at home the (usually) mother is enabling the father not to have to pay childcare costs so expecting her still to contribute half is ridiculous.

I think if, as a couple, you have decided that one of you will dramatically cut your hours or give up work then it's best to have joint finances in place before you do that. Most of what I spent as a sahm was on the kids, our kids, so it was reasonable for me to expect to have access to our full household income especially as he was often out the country.

All this aside, I would just find it too complicated. The way we do it means it is easy. To see what goes in and what come out and when.

Cuppachaplz, if you think your second husband has no claim on your house because he isn't on the deeds or the mortgage, you have misunderstood your marriage contract.

"you have misunderstood your marriage contract". I don't find that surprising at all. This thread has got me thinking how weird it is that, although marriage has significant legal implications, you can go through the whole process of getting married without being explicitly told what these are.

You'd think there'd be a leaflet or something at least? You know how this country loves throwing leaflets at you at the slightest opportunity

Anyone agree?

No of course not, just that the significant drop is often experienced by the mother. It's just another reason why you need to look at household income as a whole I think.

It's not that I think anyone with the opposite view is wrong as long as it works for them but I personally do find it strange in the same way I find separate marital beds strange or one person doing all the chores strange or open marriages strange. Because to me, marriage is a total pooling of all resources.

For the people who are married and have separate finances: can I be nosey and ask what you would do if you got divorced? Would you stick by the division of savings and divide up e.g. house 50/50 (or according to the proportion you paid into the mortgage or however you worked it out?)

Yes, of course we would split everything 50/50. It doesn't even matter who has paid in the bigger amount as we be been married a long time and the asset are jointly owned. We have separate bank accounts and both pay a proportion of the bills which leaves us with roughly the same amount left over but we consider everything to be shared and jointly owned. We like separate accounts as we can spend our money without feeling guilty that we are spending joint money on ourselves etc (although neither of us would actually mind if the other bought something). We also like being able to treat the other person without taking it from joint money. Neither of us would see the other person struggling towards the end of the month if they have overspent and would just pay for anything required.
Separate bank accounts and separate pots of spending money (without needing to transfer it in and out of a joint account) doesn't mean that assets are not owned equally or that the couple are not 'together' financially.

Because to me, marriage is a total pooling of all resources.

But you don't need to have a joint account for that to be the case.

To me, you do.
Like saying you don't need to share a bed. Well, no you don't, and I'm sure some people could be happily married and not share a bed. Each to their own but I still find it strange.
But really, genuinely, you do what suits you best in your own marriage!

I'm not saying you're not together Missunreasonable and your own way of doing it is your own way, none of my business and thanks for answering!

Tbh the question was more aimed at the people who're saying they manage their savings differently or they don't like how their partner spends money. The separate bank accounts and bill paying, if you're married, are basically an accounting exercise and doesn't mean anything in terms of your financial security - if your partner goes into debt you're liable for it too, usually. And on the other hand, are people going to go into retirement and watch their partners e.g struggle for money while they live the nice life - "well darling, it was you that wanted to buy that brand new Beemer on finance"?

Almost entirely separate here, we've just carried on the way we were pre marriage as it works fine for us, even though DH earns about 5x what I do and the mortgage is in my name only. DH gives me a massive chunk of his salary every month.

toomuchtooold yes you are right; it is more of an accounting exercise rather than separate ownership of assets and money. I think for most people it is just an accounting exercise that they find works for them. I am much more concerned about relationships where assets are seen as owned by only one person or where they pool all resources on paper but in reality one person has greater personal spending power than the other and one person controls the cash flow to their own advantage.

We have sole and joint current and savings accounts as well as credit cards. Investments are mostly sole because you can't go in together eg isa but we make sure we both contribute same amounts to our pension and isa pots. He's in charge of dcs investments and I am in charge of their savings. Tbh irrespective of where the money is we treat everything as joint.

Do whatever works for you - as others have said, the important thing is that neither of you is 'controlling' the other.

DH and I have been married for over 25 years - we've had a shared bank account all that time, including when I was a SAHM, we have very similar attitudes to money and savings and can honestly say we have never had a row or disagreement about finance - we both know roughly how much is in the bank and wouldn't just go out and treat ourselves to something if we didn't have the finance. A large proportion of our money goes into savings/pensions.

I've never had the attitude of 'if you spend £X then I must have £X' - we spend according to need/wants - my DH has a fairly expensive hobby but that doesn't mean I think I have to spend exactly the same amount on my hobbies.

I had a friend who insisted that each of them had exactly the same amount of 'spending' money to the point she would just go and buy something regardless of whether she wanted it just so they were 'equal' - the marriage didn't last.

But of course, I can totally see that this doesn't work if one of you is a saver and the other is a spender - although what happens in the future if only one of you can afford a decent old people's home - does the other one have to live separately in a grotty place ?

I am jealous of all these people with savings and investments. One day I hope to be organised enough to have such things!

I've noticed several people have said you should share everything in a marriage, I'm not sure I agree with that. Maybe there is a fundamental difference in the way different people view marriage, which influences their view on financial arrangements. DH and I share our lives, house, child, thoughts, various interests, and we even do the same job. However it is very important to me to still retain a bit of me that is separate. This idea of merging everything completely scares me a bit.

We have seperate accounts. I don't work so husband pays an amount into my account monthly to cover food, kids and house stuff and for me to spend as I wish. We don't ask for permission to buy things or even know how much each other spends. Like having my own account and sometimes we joke on who's paying for lunch. But we see his money as our/ family money and never have a problem with it.

And my husband probably does spend a lot more than me over the year as he has expensive tastes and hobbies. Better if I don't know.

We used to have separate finances, but I stopped working when I hd the kids and it makes more sense now (I am studying and childminding, so low income and self-employed) to put everything in one pot and pay everything out of it.

We don't have a mortgage, and our pensions are sorted so we don't have to plan for that. We don't generally ask 'permission' for any expenses except that we do talk about it. Example, washing machine breaks down, what's the budget for a new one. DH cycles to work every day and has been using the same bike for 8 years, how much should he spend on a new bike (ie, what we can afford).

Well, me and my DH are joint for everything. Mortgage, bills, savings, the lot.

We used to be fiercely separate (or at least I was fierce!). We used to have a joint mortgage/bills account that we both paid into. When we had our first child I was adamant that would continue. I am/was self employed and saw it as being sometimes of 50's housewife if our finances were joint.

However, 12 months into being a mum I was struggling (of course!). I wasn't working the hours I used to, I was getting into huge

Sorry, sent message with an runaway thumb!

Anyway, after a while I was getting into huge trouble. DH said it was time to pool money as he was earning more. So we did, and we've never looked back.

10 years on and now I earn more money again we still pool everything. Dh's wages pay for mortgage and bills, and my money pays for any extras and emergencies. This way, pooling everything we've managed to save 20k in joint savings and we haven't really skimped on stuff. We've never argued over money. We trust each not to buy things we can't afford. E.g I don't care if he buys a pair of new boots etc and he doesn't bat an eyelid at a new dress.

Like most people have said, this works for us. No way is 'wrong'. Whatever works. However, I don't like any insinuation that somehow I'm not an independent person because me and DH share everything.