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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you are a man you shouldn't stop a school girl on a deserted street to ask for directions

519 replies

solosolong · 06/10/2014 08:19

Just that really. DD is in year 7 (although she is tall so looks a bit older) and leaves for school early when there aren't many people around. She called on her way in this morning to say that she was feeling a bit nervous because a man had just stopped her to ask for directions.
I'm sure there was nothing dodgy about it but AIBU to think that as a man on your own it wouldn't take much imagination to think that a young school girl will have been told not to talk to strangers and may be scared if you stop to talk to her?
I am interested to know what others think.

OP posts:
KneeQuestion · 06/10/2014 08:59

I would worry why my child would need to call me to tell me someone asked for directions

She called because she felt nervous.

creighton · 06/10/2014 08:59

how can any of you feel sorry for men? aren't they the reason why women and girls don't feel safe in the street? I don't like it when men ask me for money, maybe I look like a soft touch. they should ask other men, not bother women. men need to take responsibility for their own actions.

LittleBairn · 06/10/2014 09:00

FFS what next men not allowed out on their own without a woman present?

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2014 09:01

Also telling them that you can say I don't know sorry and walk off without being rude.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2014 09:02

Creighton Shock are you bloody serious. Lovely tarring all men with the same brush, I really hope you don't have sons with tgat anti male attitude!

Bouttimeforwine · 06/10/2014 09:03

I've wanted to ask directions before. I saw a couple of young teens. I didn't stop to ask them as I didn't want to un nerve them by pulling up in a car.
A. I'm a woman
B. There were two of them
But I still thought not to worry them

YANBU

bobbyjo · 06/10/2014 09:04

Yanbu, in my view. My view is based on what my dad would have done and he wouldn't want to make a young girl feel nervous so he wouldn't have done it. Likewise, if walking the dog late at night he'd cross the road rather than walk behind a woman in case she felt she was being followed. Overkill to some people; sensitivity to others.

The problem is not everyone sees things the same way. I do think therefore advice about not getting too close to the car is a good idea. However, after reading a thread on here about some idiot shouting out things from vans to young girls I'm not surprised we have culture where the OP's DD felt nervous. Strangers are an unknown quantity. Not all men are dangerous, obviously. It's just so hard to pick out the ones (and women) who are.

Original poster
solosolong · 06/10/2014 09:06

Also, of course, yes, I told my DD not to worry and reassured her that she had done the right thing and to go on to school.
Yes, there are some instances of women harming children but the reason that these get so much publicity is that they are so unusual. Sadly it is usually men - but I am NOT saying that all men pose a danger, and that is not something which DD would feel. She has lots of lovely men in her life.
It is sad to think like this but I don't think OTT, and some of the comments show that maybe DD was right to be a little concerned.
I personally am glad that she is aware of her surroundings and who is there. So many children (and adults) go around with headphones in and not a clue about what is going on around them.
Thanks for all responses though. Always interesting to check a reaction.
And yes we are in South London, but hadn't read any FB warnings.

OP posts:
Bigoldsupermoon · 06/10/2014 09:06

I think you've got a point, OP. He might just have been a nice bloke, he might not.

The PPs giving it "OH POOR MENZ" and "Oh, the world we live in!" could do with bearing in mind why an 11yo girl or her mum might be nervous around strange blokes - street harassment, sexual assault and similar aren't just myths.

It's hardly a raging injustice against all men that the OP is having a bit of a ponder on Mumsnet, is it?

ChippingInLatteLover · 06/10/2014 09:08

Can't you see how you have made your DD feel about a man talking to her thought solosolong? What age is it acceptable to ask a female for directions?

creighton Yes, you are right. All men are rapists & murderers and all females should stay well away from them.

Hmm
Mrsjayy · 06/10/2014 09:08

Oh dear not all men are out to harm women and girls why are men asking you for money . Are men never to talk to any female ever what about boys are they potential women asaulters.

Bigoldsupermoon · 06/10/2014 09:08

X post, OP - completely agree. Some posters seem to be suggesting men are hard done-by because women are wary of them. No mention of why!

creighton · 06/10/2014 09:08

which bit of my post is wrong?

-men should not ask women for money in the street. there are always other men around, get money from them.
-men need to take responsibility for their actions, why should an 11 year old have to learn defensive tactics to stop grown men frightening her? why is the adult not expected to be the responsible one in an encounter?
-why do women have to do all the work?

are some of you the women who think that their sons can do no wrong and defend them against all accusations that may come their way?

I am very serious that men should take responsibility for their actions and think about others sometimes. I don't see what is wrong with that

Preciousbane · 06/10/2014 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bigoldsupermoon · 06/10/2014 09:10

All men are rapists & murderers and all females should stay well away from them.

Nope, but an estimated 99% of sex offenders in the UK are men. How is an 11yo supposed to know who's safe and who isn't?

Deathraystare · 06/10/2014 09:11

Well I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask her for directions. She was presumably walking a well known route and would maybe know more of the area than someone driving around and, as you say, it was early in the morning and probably not much choice of people to ask!!!

I hate asking anyone as they are often foreign and don't know the area, or commuters from elsewhere who also don't know the area!!! Happens to me all the time.

In her place, I would only be nervous if he was obviously hanging around and the asking for directions just an excuse. It would be obvious if he was a bit dodgy and trying to talk to her etc etc, but just wanting directions and going on his way.... no problem!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/10/2014 09:11

I think it's good that she felt she could talk it through with you. By that age they do need to be able to interact safely with people they meet, but advice such as walking away someone opens a car door and speaks to them is sensible, most people wind down a window and obviously that is safer. It is hard to try and cover all eventualities though.

thereturnofshoesy · 06/10/2014 09:13

yabu

creighton · 06/10/2014 09:13

some of you need to grow up. the sense of entitlement you feel for your sons is ridiculous.

treadheavily · 06/10/2014 09:13

Gosh I am really surprised by the reactions here. I thought everyone knew not to stop a child for directions or to chat precisely because it can make them feel fearful. I never offer rides to or ask directions of children even if I know them and this is quite normal where I am. It is about being considerate to the child.

By the same token, men I know are careful not to appear to follow women in the street if it's a bit quiet, they cross the road so as not to cause alarm. Call it sad or whatever but I think it is kind and respectful, and also very helpful.

NCIS · 06/10/2014 09:14

It's a minefield for men isn't it? My DH crosses the road if he finds himself walking behind a woman on a quiet street, he shouldn't have to but he says if it makes her feel less threatened then he's happy to.
When he travels on trains/tubes which have no easy walk through between carriages and he is in there with one woman and no one else he faces a dilemma. Should he move to the next carriage at the next station leaving the woman on her own? Technically she's probably safer if he's there as he's not going to attack and his presence may put off someone who is (I know attacks are rare) but the woman doesn't know that so may well be scared if he stays.
I tell him he should just assume that she will move if she wants to being an adult and all that and I think he over thinks it but it's nice that he considers other peoples worries.

tilliebob · 06/10/2014 09:14

I haven't read the thread yet, but my DH wouldn't, as a father of a teen daughter, ever approach a lone schoolgirl in this day and age. As much for his safety as hers. Sad but true. There's always a shop/pub/google maps to get help from.

ChippingInLatteLover · 06/10/2014 09:14

Big

99% of sex offenders might be male, but that doesn't make 99% of men sex offenders.

You can't teach your children to assume every man they meet is a potential sex offender, it's really not healthy.

RufusTheReindeer · 06/10/2014 09:14

I think that is was very suspicious...Hmm I don't know any men who ask for directions !!!!!!

JOKE!!!!!!

Bouttimeforwine · 06/10/2014 09:15

I'm actually rather shocked that so many think the op is bu.

Yes in an ideal world it shouldn't be a problem. But given that things do happen, then we need to teach our kids about stranger danger.

creighton why do men ask you for money? They shouldn't be asking women or men for it.