To think that if you are a man you shouldn't stop a school girl on a deserted street to ask for directions

[solosolong]

Just that really. DD is in year 7 (although she is tall so looks a bit older) and leaves for school early when there aren't many people around. She called on her way in this morning to say that she was feeling a bit nervous because a man had just stopped her to ask for directions.
I'm sure there was nothing dodgy about it but AIBU to think that as a man on your own it wouldn't take much imagination to think that a young school girl will have been told not to talk to strangers and may be scared if you stop to talk to her?
I am interested to know what others think.

kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger’s-rapist-or-a-guy’s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/

Sorry if someone else posted this already...

Threads like this make me sad for my sons

I know what you mean, but I don't feel the same.

The way I see it, it is my responsibility as a parent of sons, to make sure they understand what is and isn't appropriate. That they respect other peoples personal space and that they understand what constitutes overstepping boundaries. I don't wish to raise sex pests.

I don't think men should approach school girls for directions, for the reasons HelloLA laid out in her post.

YANBU OP, but on MN you're not allowed to be scared of men you don't know. (even year 7 school girls, according to this thread) Although if you're attacked it'll probably be your fault anyway.

I'm surprised at how I feel about this, but actually I do think grown men probably shouldn't approach young girls on empty streets, as a rule. Because chances are, on some level there is going to be a moment where the girl worries that his motives are dodgy - even just the part where he approaches her. Unfortunate, but true, and if the streets are so empty that there is nobody else to ask, then doubly true.

On the other hand, I don't think this man did WRONG, and I think a lot of men wouldn't think anything of doing it, and I have no problem with that. It's more that I think it would be a courtesy not to.

Every man I'm close to has had the 'if it's late at night and you're walking behind a woman alone, cross the road if you want to be a nice person' speech. Yes, it shouldn't be needed, and no it's not that I think I'm about to be attacked at any moment, but when I'm out alone and a man does it for me I feel a small spark of gratefulness that I don't have to spend the rest of the walk being vaguely aware of an escape strategy should there be a problem. And I think this is a similar type of thing.

It's the treatment of all men as though they are a threat that made me leave a feminist group on Facebook that stated that women exercise caution around all men. Such bullshit and offensive. If I was lost, I would ask someone directions - any one.

I would say yanbu. As a woman and mother I would not stop a young child / teenager on a deserted street to ask direction because I wouldn't want to make the child nervous or intimidated.

It also depends on how this man asked your dd for directions. Some guys come across overly confident and demanding with a loud voice. If he asked her in this way then I am not surprised an 11 yr old would feel unsettled. Well done of your dd to call you. Never make your dd feel like she is being over dramatic when she is unsure or feels unsafe otherwise she might not call you when she is indeed in a tricky situation.

Also did the man pull up in a car or was he a pedestrian. As a girl / woman I would always err on the side of caution. Well done to your dd.

the point is that an adult should have included taking responsibility for not approaching a child in the street. he should be aware of how he is viewed by society. I am a black woman, I am fully aware of how I am perceived. why don't adult men have to do the same?

Creighton, you really do sound unhinged.

You are right that men need to take responsibility for their actions, but no more so than women need to, or parents need to. Men are just people, and unless you see that, you cannot pass a healthy attitude to your children, whether they are boys or girls.

Being a woman that doesn't automatically judge men in a negative way just because they are men doesn't mean that we are all raising entitled boys that we'd take into a girls changing room at 10 years old.

Men who have done nothing wrong have no more responsibility than women do to the rest of society.

The way I see it, it is my responsibility as a parent of sons, to make sure they understand what is and isn't appropriate. That they respect other peoples personal space and that they understand what constitutes overstepping boundaries.

That goes without saying. I will be teaching my daughter the same things.

I don't wish to raise sex pests.

Obviously. However, it is the assumption that my sons are going to be sex pests simply because they possess a penis that I find sad. They aren't. Shit human beings become sex pests because they are shit human beings, not because of their gender.

There is also truth in the matter that a big majority of men wouldn't approach a young girl because they are sensitive to how she would feel, or for self preservation reasons. Therefore, by default, there is a greater chance that one who does, is up to no good. Still a small chance, but I think a parent is failing (and naive) if they teach their children to trust everyone.

I have taught my dcs to approach a women with children or a shop assistant, if they got lost. Again not because I think a single women without kids is particularly dangerous. It just minimises the risk. My kids don't fear men, but hopefully they are wary in a vulnerable situation.

I think it is how we perceive each individual risk. I left my children in a hotel room with a baby monitor when they were tiny. Most disagree with this. We all risk assess different situations differently.

She's only 11 fgs. She did the right thing to phone you if she felt nervous.

And I personally agree with those who say he should have found someone else to ask. Not an 11 year old child on their own. (I'd say the same for an 11 year old boy too)

Actually I think Creighton makes a valid point - men do need to take responsibility for their actions and realise that society has changed dramatically. However I would extend that to everyone, male or female.
Approaching anyone you don't know in the street can make them feel uncomfortable or nervous and it's right to acknowledge that. We don't live in cosy communities where a lost child can be taken to a policeman by just anyone - a post further down illustrates this very well - as a society we are much more aware of potential dangers and what can happen and it makes us more suspicious and judgemental.

Acknowledging this doesn't make anyone scared of men or men haters. I have a DH and a teenage DS who I am rather fond of!

Also OP, please don't ever be convinced that you ar bu just because random people on an Internet forum say you are. Trust your own instinct.

Adult men should of course, but we need to teach our children safety aswell as not all adults will think this way. I am a 37 year old woman, I honestly did not think it was a problem me asking teenagers (boys or girls) for directions. Until I came on here. I know my intentions are sound but now I will think twice. Yes when ds is old enough I will of course with dh teach him to respect women, their boundaries and be a decent kind and lovely man. I will teach him to cook, and to look after himself and his woman or man.

Men should be encouraged to ask for directions. On other threads, people complain that men are unable to ask directions (especially from women) because men feel that asking for help threatens their manly honour.

On the other hand, maybe this person has gender dysphoria? or maybe he/she is gender fluid?

Lots of mega-unhinged posters on here.
What sort of a society are we if think it 'dodgy' for some poor soul to ask directions of the only person on the street.

Obviously. However, it is the assumption that my sons are going to be sex pests simply because they possess a penis that I find sad. They aren't. Shit human beings become sex pests because they are shit human beings, not because of their gender

Shit human beings that become sex pests [most of which are men] do so because society allows them to.

The message in society [and here it would seem] that women and girls must not complain or feel uncomfortable about things men do, is what allows some men to be sex pests.

Everyone should challenge that.

YANBU.

As a teenager over 20 years ago, I was approached several times by men asking directions. One followed me on foot, another in his car, and another asked me to go back to his flat with him.

I don't think most men would approach an 11 year old girl for directions. I myself wouldn't, as a woman.

Bakeoffcakes, I agree, I would also be pissed off if a man approached my 12yr old son for directions. For a start, he is highly unlikely to help or be able to give reliable street directions!

I have told my children if someone in a car approaches them and tries to speak to them, they walk swiftly on.

OP's dd did exactly the right thing imo, and I'm not surprised the poor girl felt nervous.

As parents we do naturally teach our children to be aware of how they are perceived - my lad is 14 and will never walk around wearing a hoody with the hood actually up for example because people are wary of teens who do this. He was approached recently on a family day out when he took his toddler sister to the play park a short way from where we were sat. He pointed us out to the lady and waved at us. We waved back, she went back to what she was doing.
He was slightly offended tbh but unfortunately it's a sad fact that people will jump to conclusions.

Oh if we're all churning out the anecdotes, then I was flashed at in a stairwell (eeeek, don't let your daughters climb stairs! Teach them to abseil, it's the only way I'm telling ya) attacked twice on a station platform (eeeek, no public transport, ever, buy a private helicopter or get some floo powder from Mrs Weasley)

And I still think the world has gone fucking mad.

Especially as most pervs are Grandad. (I do trust all these posters banging on about instinct never let their female children stay alone with any male relative?)

If all he wanted was directions then I don't see what the problem is. He might have even felt uncomfortable asking her but had no choice.

He probably didn't realise she was only 11- the OP says she is tall and most people are crap at guessing ages. The op's dd was right to ring if she felt nervous- of course she was. But once chdren are out and about on their own they need to learn how to deal with unexpected situations- this was a good learning opportunity, in my opinion.

My husband wouldn't ask any child for directions because he knows we live in a world where too many people assume all sorts of things and he wouldn't want himself accused of something untoward just for doing something innocent like asking for directions.
My husband also wouldn't ask a young adult woman for directions or anything similar for the reasons mentioned above.
Sadly though my husband wouldn't help a young lone woman who is in danger because he would be too afraid of false accusations and repercussions. Walking home late one night we came across a young woman (18ish) who was drunk and collapsed (but conscious) in the street. My husband didn't want to help her because he was afraid of accusations but he knew we couldn't just leave her. My husband stayed a few meters away and rang the emergency services whilst I tried to help the woman.
It's a sad world when men are too afraid to help women in difficult situations due to fear of being accused of something.

You are being unreasonable to say that a person, man or not, shouldn't be able to ask for directions.

However; I suspect that most people would have a little bit more social intelligence than to stop an obvious school child (either sex) in a deserted street situation.

Your daughter was being sensible. She felt uncomfortable and phoned you. Quite right. At her age, I doubt that she has the adult judgement to evaluate such a situation, and took prudent action.