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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a sahp is a luxury

216 replies

3nonblondeboys80 · 04/10/2014 20:42

for the sahm and the wohp parent. Lots gets said about being a sahm is a luxury lifestyle choice etc etc. However, I think it is also a luxury for the wohp.
eg not having to do half the housework,
half the sickness days,
nighttime waking.
knowing you can go away on business conference etc without having to worry about arranging childcare.
no dealing with school admin, homework help.
having someone to sort out family prescriptions, medical appointments, car servicing etc etc.
not having to share school, nursey picks ups.
Ok I accept wohp has some additional burden being the only wage earner but I feel this is more than balanced by the above.
aibu

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 04/10/2014 20:43

Yes of course it is. They get to (usually) do whatever is needed for their career while not havong to worry about domestic stuff.

MyFairyKing · 04/10/2014 20:44

YABU. I used to think this but the price of childcare in some areas is just extortionate.

Stealthpolarbear · 04/10/2014 20:46

But even if that is the case, which im sure it is, doesn't change the fact it makes the wohp's life a lot smoother

HoldenMcGroin · 04/10/2014 20:46

Wfhp is a pretty decent idea. Highly recc.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/10/2014 20:47

I see what you mean!!!

I'm currently on Maternity and my DH seems to think that by default everything falls to me because I'm at home every day.

I'm looking forward to going back to work just do I can stop feeling like the reason for my existence is to make his easier Grin He's definitely having an easy ride!!

That's why I couldn't be a SAHM - I would never feel like things were 50/50 in out relationship. I'd feel like he'd be the one with all the power and I would have nothing.

Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 04/10/2014 20:48

fairy I probably worded it badly. I am a sahm who wants to return to work but is finding it hard due to cost of childcare. So I appreciate that side. I just feel that it is advantageous for wohp to have a sahp to pick up slack at home. Probably why my dh only wants me to work if it doesn't impact on him.

OP posts:
FergusSingsTheBlues · 04/10/2014 20:48

I agree. I'm a sahm slowly going crazy and desperate to get back to work.

My husband has very little to worry about apart from a grumpy wifey.

buffythemuffinslayer · 04/10/2014 20:48

Generally, yes. But sometimes a necessity. I'm in London and when I first had DS, nursery fees + commute was effectively my salary. Luckily I managed to negotiate a pay rise. Without that it would have been a wise decision for me to SAH and thus enable XDP to further his career, going to conferences etc.

Now we both work and both have to compromise on working late etc, which feels fair. So yes, the option to SAH can be a luxury - if both parties are aligned - but could also lead to resentment from both sides, if it's a decision based on finances rather than lifestyles.

5madthings · 04/10/2014 20:49

Well I am a sahm and my dp still does some school runs, drs or opticians appointments. He deals with car stuff and does housework.

Obviously when he is at work I do everything but once he is at home is hands on and involved.

It does mean that he can work and not worry about who will look after poorly kids and if he he is late then he knows they a're ok but he still checks if he needs to work extra or change shifts etc.

He also does some school admin and helps with homework etc, don't see huge wouldn't.

Having a sahp does not mean you get to abdicate responsibility for all housework/family responsibility.

bronya · 04/10/2014 20:50

'Tis cheaper for me to stay at home, than for me to go to work - so not a luxury. It is nicer for DS though (and DD when she comes). DH does his share of the evening chores as I have pointed out that he'd have to pay a nanny, so it IS a full time job!!!

zoemaguire · 04/10/2014 20:50

It is a luxury, but only if you are doing it by choice! With the cost of childcare it is not viable for me to work until my youngest DC is at school, at best. I desperately miss being part of the world of paid work, and I am not comfortable with us being a single earning family; it seems precarious for all concerned.

buffythemuffinslayer · 04/10/2014 20:51

Missed OPs last post - completely understand now.

As far as I'm concerned, impact should be shared 50%. I appreciate that's difficult and XDP and I only manage it well because we are no longer together. 50/50 clean split of time and resources, any deviations by application!

MissBattleaxe · 04/10/2014 20:51

YANBU. It is almost impossible for two working parents to both have these sorts of perks. With a WOHP having a SAHP at home, they can really focus on work without having to work out what to do if the kids are ill, if the child minder is ill, what to get for tea when they get in, how they're going to manage the laundry/housework after a day at work.

The price of child care is pricing a lot of women out of the work place so this is becoming a common pattern. And yes I'm saying women because it usually is the woman who has had to take a career break or mat leave.

This is not a WOHP-vs-SAHP argument, its just a fact that fewer people can afford to work when you factor in child care costs and if you can both work, then you both have a ton of housework/laundry when you get in.

So yes, having your partner at home doing it all makes life a lot easier, albeit with less cashflow. YANBU

Astarael · 04/10/2014 20:54

Well I'm a wohp and I definitely appreciate the increased flexibility that DH being a sahd offers but I did all of the night waking when I was back at work initially due to bf and continue to share that now not bf at night. I also do my fair share of the housework.

I think that the amount that the wohp does depends on the person involved and it is a little unfair to infer that all of us don't pull our weight at home.

Finola1step · 04/10/2014 21:01

Both me and dh work. I work 4 days a week with a 3 hour daily commute (not each way!!!). DH works from home. So yes, he does the lion's share of school and nursery runs, getting to after school activities etc.

But, time off for dc illnesses is shared, housework is mostly me, car stuff him, house admin shared, cooking shared.

It is possible for both parents to pursue their careers and to have a balance. But our situation is sadly seen as a bit odd by some.

I know many SAHMs with DPs while are big salary earners. I know many women who work but also do all the home stuff and childcare. A balance is required but that balance is different for different people.

Therefore, is a SAHP a luxury? Depends on each situation. The key question is OP, how do you feel about being the SAHP?

GnomeDePlume · 04/10/2014 21:04

We certainly did enjoy a more relaxed lifestyle in many ways when DH was SAHP. However the stress of being sole breadwinner was enormous. I worried constantly about my job and what would happen if I lost it.

Chunderella · 04/10/2014 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 21:12

It is definitely easier for the working parent if there is a SAHP. Not so much the housework, cooking etc but knowing you can stay late for a meeting, knowing you don't have to take time off when the children are sick, on holiday etc. and if the sahp is able/willing to do most of the daytime domestic stuff then even better and the whole family benefits from having more family time together.

However, if both parents work and both pull their weight that works well too, it's only a nightmare if only one parent takes a hit for all the child related stuff.

What doesn't work is a parent being forced to work or to stay at home due to finances.

What is unfortunate is that with so many marriages breaking down, it's not always wise to be a SAHP :(

TerryDolittle · 04/10/2014 21:14

Yes, I agree with Chunderella . Having the choice is a luxury.
I'm a SAHM but it's because I couldn't afford the childcare for DC and have no family help with childcare.

HicDraconis · 04/10/2014 21:16

YABU to assume that the wohp (me in our set up - DH is the SAHP) doesn't do 50% of the housework, night wakings, homework help etc. I do that much at least in addition to all the cooking and meal planning, plus a 60+h week.

DH does all the laundry and the children sort it and put it away. He doesn't get to take a day off work when ill which I do; he does get to take down time in the day (meals, drinks, naps etc) while boys are at school which I can't. I get to go away on conferences, but he and the boys come with me.

Pluses and minuses. Having DH as a sahp isn't a luxury for me particularly, we would cope fine if he got a job - it's just how our setup has evolved and works out. Having me as a FT WOHP so he can stay at home isn't a luxury for him either, I don't think.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/10/2014 21:20

Surely though people know whether one parent will have to be a SAHP before even TTC? People generally look at their finances and know prior to TTC whether they could afford childcare or not?

kiki0202 · 04/10/2014 21:22

This was an article going round FB I can't remember who wrote it though.

I'm a SAHM by both our choice and it is so much easier for both of us for me to be at home.

Azquilith · 04/10/2014 21:25

I would bloody love DP to be a SAHD. No childcare worries with early starts, late finishes, overseas trips would be gone. And I'd hope to get dinner on the table for me at least a few times a week. ;)

HicDraconis · 04/10/2014 21:27

Agree with Chunderella completely (xpost) - having the choice is key.

I do agree that if I was completely happy being the sole earner / FT WOHP then my life is made immeasurably easier because DH is at home. I often have to stay late and I don't have to worry about pickup from childcare because we don't use it. I don't have to worry about who will look after the children at 2am when I get called in because DH is still there. I don't have to worry about when I'll get to pick up my contact lenses or prescriptions because DH has it all organised and sorts out ordering my repeats and collecting them so it's seamless from one supply to the next.

Financially his life is made far easier by me working ft.

There is more to life than both finances and logistics. We both work hard in our respective roles, we both help each other where we can (he is doing something to make my life at work a million times easier and I do what I can to make his life at home as easy as I can), we both respect the contribution the other person makes to the smooth running of our lives.

I think a major problem comes in when your partner doesn't recognise or appreciate the contribution that you make to their life or respect you for it.

inabeautifulplace · 04/10/2014 21:28

Isn't it a terrible slur on our society that it's seen as a luxury though!