to think a sahp is a luxury

[3nonblondeboys80]

for the sahm and the wohp parent. Lots gets said about being a sahm is a luxury lifestyle choice etc etc. However, I think it is also a luxury for the wohp.
eg not having to do half the housework,
half the sickness days,
nighttime waking.
knowing you can go away on business conference etc without having to worry about arranging childcare.
no dealing with school admin, homework help.
having someone to sort out family prescriptions, medical appointments, car servicing etc etc.
not having to share school, nursey picks ups.
Ok I accept wohp has some additional burden being the only wage earner but I feel this is more than balanced by the above.
aibu

Philosothy I think we are on the same page on this :)

I enjoy time with my children. What I don't enjoy is always being the one to organise and worry about everything to do with them. I also don't enjoy only getting 4 broken hours of sleep a night and then sitting exhausted with them on a Sunday morning while my DH, who gets six-seven hours of sleep a night every night, has a lie in.

So why don't you change it then? Why can't you have a lie-in one day a week?

I have changed it Snapes, as I said. I tried the "pedantic" route but that didn't work, so I had to threaten separation.

Fair enough. I'm sorry that you've had to go through that.

My original point was, in a "traditional" situation where the WOHP expects the SAHP to take care of everything to do with the house and children and to have plenty of leisure of time on top of that, then having a SAHP is a massive luxury for the WOHP. My DH had a difficult baby just as much as I did, but he didn't suffer at all for it. That is a huge luxury in my book, given that I was suicidal at one point.

But, in a situation where both partners respect each other's contribution, are looking out for each other and make sure each gets respect and free time having a WOHP/SAHP situation can be a great situation, beneficial for everyone. In that case it's a luxury for the family.

Phil, whilst you were riding with dd, presumably your DH was with your other kids

Equal leisure time is not a stopwatch exercise - it's a rule of thumb that, over a period of time, a couple does have roughly equal leisure time - each couple can judge what isn't leisure and, tbh, if one of the couple is always baggsying taking the kids to the cinema and leaving the other with the laundry, that's probably not fair even if the tasks take the same time. But it can help people judge if their situation is generally fair (as Caitlin's clearly wasn't before she changed it).

And whilst a mother is BF, any leisure time she does get should be really good, as it's unlikely to be of equal length as her DP's!

My original point was, in a "traditional" situation where the WOHP expects the SAHP to take care of everything to do with the house and children and to have plenty of leisure of time on top of that, then having a SAHP is a massive luxury for the WOHP. My DH had a difficult baby just as much as I did, but he didn't suffer at all for it. That is a huge luxury in my book, given that I was suicidal at one point.

Sure, I get where you're coming from and I agree. But in a situation like mine, with only one very "easy" dc, the luxury would have been primarily for the sahp, unless they took on the vast majority of the domestic burden in addition to the childcare.

It really depends on individual circumstances. What really matters is whether both partners are happy with how things are split, whatever that arrangement might be.

Maybe I lack stamina, or am a terrible mother, but even with one easy DC I needed time off. I definitely enjoyed my time with DS - we went a lot of places, and did a lot of fun things - but for me being around children 24/7 is very hard, even if those children are mine and they're wonderful. It's not just the volume of work that gets me, it's the lack of headspace and thinking time.

Not just you, C

I don't think that makes you a bad mother at all. I think it just shows that we're all different. :)

Just catching up on replies. Our situation is traditional as I do far more during the week. dh does nothing in the evening as he is tired from work. He is starting to pull his weight more at weekends but I do get fed up of the way people think the sahp is the lucky one. I think it can be advantageous for both parties.
interesting though that the female wohp still seem to do more housework etc than their male counterpart.
makes me feel daunted about going back to work as his job is the career job which pays the bills. I can see myself still doing scholl and nursery runs and taking time off when dc are sick and do hospital appointments and school stuff.

I think it also becomes easier the more children that you have, because they look out for each other and it perhaps becomes less intense. There is also always someone around who can watch the younger children for an hour while you do something.

cailindana I suspect that you are actually putting far more effort into parenting than someone like me, so probably far from being a terrible mother.

I agree with you CailinDana - reliable time off that you can count on is essential. Not time off that you have to ask for or negotiate about weekly. There has to be an understanding that there will be hours off every week, or maybe even time off every day for both parties, hours that are sacrosanct and can't be intruded upon or taken away or shortened for any reason bar dire emergencies.

The idea that a sahm should be on duty 24/7 with no time to herself at all arises from the very sad tendency to equate contribution to the home with money earned from work outside it. In a partnership where breadwinning is valued over the work that goes into keeping a home running and attending to the care and feeding of all in it, there is often the assumption that all a woman is doing is 'living' whereas the person with the paycheque is 'working'. Women have unfortunately bought this idea too, and feel quite guilty about negotiating job conditions that are sane and realistic.

LeftRight, DH is certainly not lazy at all. Did you not read where I said he does laundry and cooks every weeknight?

It's not necessarily that easy getting loads done with a child under 1 around. And he's amazing at doing stuff with her and entertaining her. Far better than me. She'll be 18 months' old when I go back to work, DS will be 5 months' old. It'll be manic! I doubt he will get huge amounts done then either. But he'll be doing the vitally important job of bringing our children up while I'm at work.

I don't think that's lazy at all, but there you go.

FWIW, I don't want him to clean. I prefer to do it myself and it's not like it takes long.

I'm also better at admin. Again, it's simple and takes no time at all.

We are a partnership, and work well together.

Hungry I'm impressed that you can get admin done in "no time at all." I upgraded my phone today and it took well over an hour. Luckily that only happens once a year or so, but things like MOT, house insurance, car insurance, arranging work on the house, dentist, doctor, etc etc. take quite a lot of time in my experience. Add to that the endless school admin that we've just started wading into and it's very hard to keep on top of it singlehandedly. Equally, I'm not madly house proud, but laundry, cleaning, house maintenance etc take up a lot of my time.

I just don't think you can generalise as everyone's home situation is so different, the amount of time and energy people spend looking after their children or cleaning etc is different as well. I admit I had a very easy time as a SAHM for 12 years - I only had one child, he was a great sleeper when he was young, he happily went to nursery school from age 2 (and slept all afternoon ) - my DH was always involved after work and at weekends, I had plenty of 'free time'. I am not at all obsessive about housework .

But having returned to work I can assure you that my working life is far, far tougher than being at home with a child - for various reasons I cannot take a proper break at work - (customer facing role, no one to cover), - I look back on my lazy days as a SAHM with much envy .

Is it ridiculous for me to suggest that it is in the government's interest to keep childcare prices high as it keeps many women out of an already overcrowded job market?

I don't think the government do me childcare prices down, they are always encouraging people to work by assisting with the costs of childcare be it tax deductible or tax credits.

Admin takes minutes a week, even with children at school there's not much paperwork they bring home to be dealt with. It takes seconds to sign a permission slip or note the calendar. It's a wonder people manage to work, parent and look after a house

Well, no school age children here, so no paperwork for that.

But most things really don't take (me) that long to do.

DH arranged his own dental appts. I arrange mine. The kids aren't old enough to go yet (but they've said to take DD early next year with one of us).

I suppose it depends where your strengths lie as to how long anything takes.

My housework standards have lowered since we've had the children as well. The house is clean and tidy once DD is in bed, but I'm nowhere near fastidious.

Most of the washing is done by DH while I'm at work.

I commute by train so use that time online to do admin tasks like insurance. It's still part of the working day then, and doesn't cut into home life, apart from any necessary discussion with DH about choices.

any job takes much longer though with a toddler in tow. Plus afterschool club stuff etc. I guess it the price you pay have 2 active primary school aged boys and a 2 year old.

I don't really understand what all the "admin" is that people talk of. Not meaning to belittle what others do at all, but I really don't get it. Am I missing something?

School admin - maybe five minutes max every day, just check bookbag when I come home from work, complete any forms, and put dates in calendar straightaway. I do the same for paperwork relating to extra-curricular activities.

Yes, we need to renew various insurance policies every year, and it's obviously cheaper to keep switching, but it only takes an hour or so for each policy once a year, to put in details and compare the alternatives. I tend to do stuff like this on my phone when I'm waiting for dd to finish in dance or something. MOT - it is a bit of a pain to take it into the garage before work but it's only once a year.

We aren't often sick but it doesn't take long to sort out a doctor's appt, and future dental appointments (and hairdressing) are booked in when we visit, so no real admin there.

Major house projects are time-consuming, of course - we are planning an extension and there is quite a lot to do at the moment, but it's a one-off project, not something we'll do every year. Other household maintenance usually involves a couple of phone calls during my lunch hour and one of us working from home for an afternoon.

Trying to think what else. Birthday cards and stuff are pretty easy - I just buy them all at once and post them on my way to work. Bills are all paid by direct debit. We do keep an eye on our mortgage and stuff like mobile phone contracts in an ad hoc sort of way, just to be sure that we're getting a decent deal, but again, only switch once in a blue moon.

What other admin is it that people do that I'm obviously not doing?

I not sure that I would class it all as admin but I spend a fair amount of time dealing with:

Letters from school ( four children in three schools)
Payment for various hobbies and music lessons etc
Keeping the family calendar updated and watching for clashes
We have elderly parents who have various care bills and admin as well as other bits and bobs from extended family
We are on the PTA of various schools and various village committees and groups - so have admin linked with those
Most of our bills are DD but I do family accounts

I would say a few hours a week.

I find supervising homework takes up a lot of time.

It it be the number of children that makes the difference then - I do all of the above, except for the admin relating to elderly parents, and I really don't think I spend much time on it - though five minutes here and five minutes there probably does add up through the week. I can see that it would be considerably more if you had four kids though.

As for homework, dd is 9, so now needs very little supervision - we do chat about it sometimes while doing other stuff, but she is very independent about actually getting on and doing it.