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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a sahp is a luxury

216 replies

3nonblondeboys80 · 04/10/2014 20:42

for the sahm and the wohp parent. Lots gets said about being a sahm is a luxury lifestyle choice etc etc. However, I think it is also a luxury for the wohp.
eg not having to do half the housework,
half the sickness days,
nighttime waking.
knowing you can go away on business conference etc without having to worry about arranging childcare.
no dealing with school admin, homework help.
having someone to sort out family prescriptions, medical appointments, car servicing etc etc.
not having to share school, nursey picks ups.
Ok I accept wohp has some additional burden being the only wage earner but I feel this is more than balanced by the above.
aibu

OP posts:

DaisyFlowerChain · 05/10/2014 13:44

" What I object to is WOHPs who wash their hands entirely of the day to day household tasks and expect to just go to work and come home, with everything else - food, clothes, children, admin - taken care of by their skivvy."

Yet, unless independently wealthy, the SAHP gets to wash their hands of working and earning so every penny they spend is either from their working partner or the state. Why shouldn't the WOHP expect the household tasks to be done by the SAHP in exchange for working?

LeftRightCentre · 05/10/2014 13:56

I would sack a SAHP who did not cleaning or housework, MissJoss and Horace. Nannies carry out nursery duties relating to their charges, even. Why do you put up with such lazy partners?

cailindana · 05/10/2014 14:02

Daisy - because running a house is not a 9-5 Monday to Friday job. It's not fair for one partner to have a defined working day where they get recognition, pay, time out of the house etc while the other works all day every day for no pay and with no time off. It's fine, IMO, for the SAHP to take care of what needs to be done while the WOHP is at work but when the WOHP is at home then it should all be 50/50. Don't you agree?

Snapespotions · 05/10/2014 14:08

I don't necessarily agree, because the SAHP may not be "working" right through the day from 9-5 Monday to Friday. When I was at home with dd, I did a lot of socialising with friends and just hanging out with her - not really hard work! Obviously, it depends on how many children you have, what age they are and how difficult they are etc, but for me, looking after dd has never really been hard work - not since the first few weeks of breast feeding, anyway. I love spending time with her, and don't see it as a chore. Housework, on the other hand...

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:14

If it is a choice it is a huge luxury. When DH and I both worked out day would start at 5am and finish not long before midnight.

Now I am at home we have so much more time together. DH has very little to do at home and by about lunchtime my time is my own to do as I wish.

cailindana · 05/10/2014 14:15

Regardless of whether it's a chore or not Snapes, it still needs to be done. Even if you enjoy it, it's not optional and you can't just choose not to do it. Also, by that logic, if a WOHP enjoys their job, finds it relatively easy and socialises a lot as part of the job, does that mean that they're not really working?

Also, there's nothing to stop the WOHP having a great time looking after the children all weekend while the SAHP does other things, is there? If it's so enjoyable, I mean.

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:16

I think that when DH comes home anything that is left to do should be split 50:50. But to be honest there is rarely anything left to do and I have far more leisure time than my DH.

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:18

I think having equal amounts of leisure time is important. We don't manage that and it is my husband the WOHP who loses our.

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:20

Sorry pressed post too soon.

My DH loses out.

I think one of the problems is that so much of being a SAHP can feel like leisure time so there is not cut and dry working and leisure time.

cailindana · 05/10/2014 14:23

I think if your children are at school and you have genuine child-free time during the day then, yes, that is leisure time. But taking children to a cafe does not count as leisure time in my book.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/10/2014 14:24

Reading some of these post makes me realise how lucky I am to have my DH.

My days can be tiring with DS but when DH comes home from work he takes DS out for a walk in the pram so that I can have just an hour of silence. He then comes home and cooks dinner. Two or three nights a week I then take myself upstairs to have a lovely soak in the bath whilst DH minds DS.

Every Saturday and Sunday morning I get a lie in as once DS has woken up and I've fed him my DH will take him downstairs. I then have a 1-2 hour doze and then DH brings me breakfast in bed and a cup of tea

I will always do the general daily cleaning but my DH is always telling me not to as he says my 'job' during the day is to look after DS not do things around the house.

Reading back I do wonder why I'm so keen to go back to work....

YonicScrewdriver · 05/10/2014 14:26

Yes, it can be less draining for each to have their own area of focus but of course it can be more financially stressful to have a WOHP/SAHP dynamic.

We all do what we can.

cailindana · 05/10/2014 14:26

IMO that's not "lucky" writer, that's just a normal, caring partner looking out for his wife and son.

YonicScrewdriver · 05/10/2014 14:27

Yy Cailin.

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:27

I have four at school, one at home and expecting number 6.

I would see taking dd to a cafe as leisure time

cailindana · 05/10/2014 14:28

Would your partner also count it as leisure time Philoslothy?

YonicScrewdriver · 05/10/2014 14:28

But it's not time solely devoted to what you want, Phil. It's one of the more enjoyable parts of your day, just as a WOHP might like attending a meeting more than writing a report, but you are still responsible for DC whilst there.

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:29

Cailindana, I suspect that he would.

cailindana · 05/10/2014 14:30

So would he choose to take your DD out to a cafe as a relaxing activity? Does he take the children out when he's relaxing?

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:30

But it is what I want. I have worked for a long time and now just want to potter about at home with the children and animals.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/10/2014 14:31

I agree yonic - to me, Leisure Time is when you are out and about doing something you enjoy without the child/ren being there. My DH has a hell of a lot more leisure time than me which is probably why he tries to make things as easy for me as he can when it comes to being the SAHP.

YonicScrewdriver · 05/10/2014 14:32

If you employed a nanny and he/she took DC to a cafe to meet another nanny friend and charges, nanny would be paid for that hour !

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:32

Yes he takes the children out all the time at the weekend or evenings.

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:34

If my husband hired a prostitute we would pay for that too, but I don't sex that as work either.

I have just been lucky that the children have all been quite easy so it does not feel like work.

cailindana · 05/10/2014 14:34

That's fair enough Philoslothy. What I'm getting at is that it's not on for one partner to claim that being with the children is "leisure time" when they avoid that sort of "leisure time" like the plague. If it's easy and relaxing to be with children, then that's the case for both partners.

Why does your DH have more leisure time than you writer?

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