Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

to think a sahp is a luxury

216 replies

3nonblondeboys80 · 04/10/2014 20:42

for the sahm and the wohp parent. Lots gets said about being a sahm is a luxury lifestyle choice etc etc. However, I think it is also a luxury for the wohp.
eg not having to do half the housework,
half the sickness days,
nighttime waking.
knowing you can go away on business conference etc without having to worry about arranging childcare.
no dealing with school admin, homework help.
having someone to sort out family prescriptions, medical appointments, car servicing etc etc.
not having to share school, nursey picks ups.
Ok I accept wohp has some additional burden being the only wage earner but I feel this is more than balanced by the above.
aibu

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 05/10/2014 14:36

philos - I just saw you are about to have your 6th child!!! My DH has said no to us even having a second because of how stressful we find it just having the one

chumrun · 05/10/2014 14:36

It's possible to split hairs over leisure time a bit too much I think.

I'd prefer to have a partner who just mucked in and did a bit as we went along (I was passing Tesco and got some milk and fruit as we are running low) rather than stringently dividing it up in the way some seem to be advocating!

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:37

This morning my daughter and I have been for a horse ride together. Is that not leisure time because she was there?

Of course it would be different if you did not see parenting as faulty leisurely.

If you go on holiday as a family that is also leisure time.

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:39

I agree Cailin, I suspect that DH would jump at being a SAHP if he did not have a son of his own to support. It is something we have discussed about him doing for the next baby. I am hoping he changed his mind at stays at work though

YonicScrewdriver · 05/10/2014 14:39

If someone does a job they love so much they'd do it as a hobby if they weren't professionals (composing, painting, singing, baking or whatever) then they are still working whilst doing it

Writerwannabe83 · 05/10/2014 14:40

cailindana - DS is EBF so I'm very restricted in terms of baby free leisure time. In the 6 months since he was born I've had child free leisure time on about 3 occasions and that's only been in the last month. The longest I have been away from him is 4 hours.

My DH is very sporty so that takes up some time on Saturday and Sunday and they have practice a few nights a week. He obviously has the freedom to go out with his mates and things like that but to be fair he only does that about once a month and is always home early

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:40

I do run my own little business which I would do as a hobby. I certainly would not claim that it is work

cailindana · 05/10/2014 14:42

Chumrun - it's fine to work that way if both partners are on board. In fact, that's the best, most effective way to do it.

In practice, what usually happens is that the woman thinks of everything while the man drifts along sorting himself out. It's the "tell me what to do and I'll do it" syndrome - unless it's all stringently laid out, the man pretty much does nothing.

Philoslothy - If you enjoy going riding with your daughter, find it enjoyable and relaxing and would choose to do it even if you didn't have to, then yes, it is leisure time. However, if you brought her because you have no choice, and you find it stressful or hard work then no, it's not leisure time, it's childcare where you happen to be horse riding.

IMO both parents need some clear time away from the children every week just to get a breather.

chumrun · 05/10/2014 14:43

I think philosothy has explained it best.

A child being present doesn't mean it isn't leisure time - just as a child NOT being present doesn't make it "your own" time.

It's just odd, to me, to be so pedantic about who gets to spend time away from the child!

Snapespotions · 05/10/2014 14:44

I think if your children are at school and you have genuine child-free time during the day then, yes, that is leisure time. But taking children to a cafe does not count as leisure time in my book.

I guess that's where we differ. For me, it is very relaxing to take dc out to a cafe, and I do it most weekends! Definitely not work in my book, though some other aspects of caring for very young children obviously are.

What differs, in my view, is the intensity of a day at home with dc. The day is longer but the pace is very slow with lots of down time, whereas my work is very intense and full-on.

Of course, I accept that some jobs outside the home have lots of downtime and socialising too, and if the WOHP has a very easy and relaxing time at work, then obviously they should pick up more stuff at home. However, I wonder how many such jobs would pay enough to support a family.

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 14:44

I am quite self centred! I rarely do something that I don't want to do. I also never "work" harder than I need to.

cailindana · 05/10/2014 14:44

Writer - that's all well and good when the baby is little and still BF but you might find that as he gets older and less dependent on you, you start to resent the fact that your DH has swathes of free time while you are left looking after your son. I'm not saying it'll definitely be a problem, but it's something to keep an eye on as it can become a big source of resentment later on.

Snapespotions · 05/10/2014 14:45

It's just odd, to me, to be so pedantic about who gets to spend time away from the child!

Yes indeed! I always feel slightly sorry for those sahms who end up seeing their dc like that.

cailindana · 05/10/2014 14:49

Snapes - I agree it does very much depend on the situation.

When I just had DS, who is a calm, obedient child, I never struggled much with being SAHP - in fact, I thoroughly enjoyed it and, while I did need and enjoy time away, I never resented any of my DH's free time or the fact that I did most of the work around the house.

However, when DD came along things changed. She was a very screamy baby, had trouble feeding, never slept and I developed PND. I needed time away, just for my sanity. But DH didn't step up. At all. I posted a thread in FWR recently about it - I was contemplating separation.

However, he has bucked his ideas up now. And you know what, even though DD is actually pretty easy these days, I don't have PND any more and DS is at nursery 15 hours a week the extra time I've had since he's got off his arse has been absolutely amazing. I feel like a new person.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/10/2014 14:51

My DH is a teacher and whilst it is the school holidays we still intend to send DS to childcare two days a week because I know how draining it can be at home with a child all day. I wouldn't expect my DH to spend all day every day with DS - I think he should have some downtime!!

I think every parent should have sone child free time

cailindana · 05/10/2014 14:52

Snapes, I don't know if you're deliberately being obtuse but being "pedantic" about time off has nothing to do with seeing the dc a certain way, it's about being exhausted and having a partner who doesn't step up unless they're forced to. Blaming the mother for just needing a break is really nasty.

coolbeans · 05/10/2014 14:56

I think YABU but I suppose it depends on your SAHP doesn't it?

I do the majority of that stuff - the appts, housework, cooking dinner, homework, cleaning.

I work 70/80 hrs a week. And I also pay for a part time nanny.

DH is of the opinion, as has been stated in this thread that the working parent needs to do more when around because being a SAHP is harder and they've given up their career prospects.

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 15:00

Life at home must be very tough or the job very easy if being a SAHP is harder than working a 70/80hour week.

Snapespotions · 05/10/2014 15:01

Sorry, I'm certainly not blaming anyone for needing a break, I think it's entirely natural, particularly if you have a child who is difficult to care for, or if you have PND or whatever. For me, I know it's better for my mental health to WOH, even though I find the time at home with my dc more relaxing and enjoyable.

But yes, I do find it sad when people claim that all time spent with their children is hard work, because I wouldn't want to feel that way - and if I did feel that way, I would be reconsidering my decision to SAH. The way I feel is that I want to spend my leisure time with my dd because I enjoy her company, and I really cannot understand it when people make comparisons between a sahp and a nanny - surely spending time with a child you love is different from caring for someone else's children? If it becomes a chore, then maybe WOH would be a better option?

chumrun · 05/10/2014 15:04

It was me who used the word pedantic, and I do feel it's a shame.

I always felt my parents enjoyed spending time with us! I'm sure at times it was tedious but we were just part of their routine. Now I look back and realise sometimes my dad would take us somewhere to give our mum a bit of space (she was a SAHM until I went to school) but I don't think they sat down and divided it - he just sensed she needed some space so went to the park with us for a bit.

I'm talking maybe once or twice a week, not constantly.

I mean, there IS the option of not having children at all if spending time away from them is so essential!

Writerwannabe83 · 05/10/2014 15:07

Spending time away from work is essential - hence why the WOHP is entitled to annual leave.

Why aren't SAHP's allowed the luxury of time out from their 'work' a few afternoons a week??

Philoslothy · 05/10/2014 15:13

I have time away from my children. My dd3 is also a baby so I have time when she is asleep. I think it is important but not because I see her as "work" from which I need a break.

DH and I have a weekend away together without any children about every six weeks, but that is just so we can conceive the next child.

chumrun · 05/10/2014 15:14

I think the problem is that when you try to compare paid employment or even volunteer work to bringing up a child, you can't - how can you?

That's like me saying that I should be paid, or get a break, from cleaning my house as cleaners get paid and get breaks!

Obviously a mother or father for that matter who stays at home shouldn't have to have the child attached to them at all times but there is a difference between 'take the kids to the park, they are driving me insane!' and 'you have had seven hours work with one hour for lunch so I'm taking my hour now then we are equal."

The first seems a normal state of affairs but the latter strikes me as really,really weird (sorry)

Snapespotions · 05/10/2014 15:15

I think SAHPs are perfectly entitled to a break. Has anyone said that they aren't?

That said, I would feel resentful towards my DH if he was a sahd and expected me to do 50/50 on housework. Especially now that dd is at school, but even when she was younger, it really wasn't difficult to look after her, so I'd have felt that I was carrying a much greater share of the work.

However, I would not have had an issue doing most of the childcare in the evenings or at weekends, as I would do it through choice in any case.

cailindana · 05/10/2014 15:15

Exactly writer.

I enjoy time with my children. What I don't enjoy is always being the one to organise and worry about everything to do with them. I also don't enjoy only getting 4 broken hours of sleep a night and then sitting exhausted with them on a Sunday morning while my DH, who gets six-seven hours of sleep a night every night, has a lie in.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread