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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a sahp is a luxury

216 replies

3nonblondeboys80 · 04/10/2014 20:42

for the sahm and the wohp parent. Lots gets said about being a sahm is a luxury lifestyle choice etc etc. However, I think it is also a luxury for the wohp.
eg not having to do half the housework,
half the sickness days,
nighttime waking.
knowing you can go away on business conference etc without having to worry about arranging childcare.
no dealing with school admin, homework help.
having someone to sort out family prescriptions, medical appointments, car servicing etc etc.
not having to share school, nursey picks ups.
Ok I accept wohp has some additional burden being the only wage earner but I feel this is more than balanced by the above.
aibu

OP posts:
Philoslothy · 06/10/2014 00:34

It suspect it will vary according to the size of your home, number of children and how busy they are.

We have a few rental properties and I oversee some of the admin for them - more the holiday lets as we have an agent for the permanent let.

Our finances are quite complicated and that produces admin.

I would say that a good hour or so every evening is taken up with homework.

Snapespotions · 06/10/2014 00:58

An hour on homework every evening?! Shock I could do my dd's homework for her in less than that! Grin

I think looking after rental properties is more like having your own business than something I would regard as normal household admin, but I can see why that takes time.

Writerwannabe83 · 06/10/2014 01:34

Admin = updating the family calendar Grin

Philoslothy · 06/10/2014 02:27

excluding dd3 as she is a baby there are 7 of us in the house. DH works away every now and again. Ds1 and DSS have lots of sailing events, sometimes with DH. DS1 is also into another sport which has regular commitments. DD1 is a dancer and has various classes and competitions. Both dds are into lots of horsey events. DD2 plays for a local netball team. DS2 is just getting into sports. I am often involved in running or horsey events at the weekend as well as lots of social things. DH and I like to go away for a weekend every six weeks or so and we like some kind of break with the children most holidays. Our calendar is mad! It does take some planning!

Philoslothy · 06/10/2014 02:31

Homework takes time when there are a few of different ages.

I need to hear DS2 read every night and he will often have some spellings or simple maths to do. DD2 is in secondary, lower school. She will have about 45 minutes a night to do. I also check her books every night, check her planner and read through her homework/ talk about it. DD1 is doing her GCSEs, she will often want me to test her on something or check something. DS1 is doing A levels so does not really need input, although out of habit, if he is home he will sit with the others while they are studying.

Writerwannabe83 · 06/10/2014 04:48

If I had 5 children and another one on the way I would definitely want to be a SAHP! I imagine it would be very difficult to keep things running smoothly and have an organised home and family life unless there was a parent at home to keep things on the right track.

Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 06/10/2014 05:19

Each individual task is only a few minutes but added up. We have dinner money to sort weekly, bus fares daily. Most of the newsletters, parents eve paperwork is emailed and are not viewable on my tablet.. We get these emails more than daily. Middle ds has daily reading and spelling plus other homework and needs pushing to do it. Ds1 is more driven but has loads of homework as goes to a Middle school. Middle ds also has hospital appointments so it mounts up.
Obviously easier with 1 dc but harder with 5.
i also both parents evenings with all dc as dh is never home on time. That is 6 times per year. ds2 school has at least 1 but sometimes 3 events for parents to attend per term. I do all of these except Fathers Day one.
Presctiptions for 3 need dorting monthly, 2 prepayments purchased 3 monthly.
Onboiusly if I worked I would have to cut back but when you have a wohp working 50 miles from home and out of the house 12 to 13 hours per day

OP posts:
Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 06/10/2014 05:21

during the week everything is down to me and I don't get quiet moments on the train or during my lunch break to do it.

OP posts:
cailindana · 06/10/2014 08:01

In the next couple of months I have to:

Sort wills out for me and DH (this is waaaaaay overdue)
Sort out a bank account for DD's savings (again, way overdue)
Book someone to cut down a tree in the back garden (three attempts have already been made unsuccessfully)
Take DD to the dentist
Have a smear test (yay)
Choose and order a carpet for the stairs
Do a tax return
Visit and apply for schools for DS
Get the car MOTed
Get the boiler serviced
Sort out a visit from my mother and co ordinate that with a visit from my sister (who is disorganised and needs a lot of prompting to give dates etc)
Start buying for Christmas (yes, I said it!)
Organise a going away do for my friend who is moving

Add to that the regular tasks of keeping an eye on bills, changing providers if necessary, paying the childminder, cat maintenance (ours are flea magnets), dealing with stuff from preschool (usually requests for money), hair appointments, clothes and shoe buying, birthdays parties, presents and cards, and it's not a small amount.
Plus I work part time.

I had to laugh a little Snapes when you said you do things on the bus or on your lunchbreak. I don't have a commute or a lunchbreak. If I want to do something I have to do it with at least one child in tow. You may have noticed that 1 year olds don't have great patience and aren't willing to stay silent for more than 10 minutes. I have so often had to hang up half way through a phonecall I dread making them now. Yesterday when upgrading my mobile I was on hold for 20 minutes then had to hang up because DD woke up from her nap. I then had to tell DH to take them out while I tried again, which took another hour.

YonicScrewdriver · 06/10/2014 08:05

That's it, Cailin, it never actually does take 5 mins, does it? I did a clear out, took bags to the charity... Takes me 5-10 mins to drive down town, 2 mins walk to shop, 5 mins to do the gift aid thing, 2 mins back to car to get next bags etc, then remember we need milk, oh, we are low on petrol, etc etc - and it's an hour before I'm home.

I used to do a lot whilst at work but can't since my job changed.

Chunderella · 06/10/2014 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 06/10/2014 12:58

My point exactly cailin . You put it so much better than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 06/10/2014 13:01

sadly not chunderella. My ds is very able in mathematics and I really couldn't help as I couldn't remember how to do damn equations and don't get me started on art projects. None of our family are arty or practical and they both get at least one such project a term in addition to weekly homework and reading and spellings.

OP posts:
Original poster
3nonblondeboys80 · 06/10/2014 13:02

sorry misread that but yes no point in doing it for them.

OP posts:
PullMySocksUp · 06/10/2014 13:58

I completely agree and find it very stressful with both of us working full-time. I thought it would be easier as the DC got older but I've found the reverse to be true. My eldest has a much longer day as he has to take the bus due to our work start times (completely non flexible) and he hates it. Our weekends and evenings are taken up doing chores and squeezing in team commitments in between rather than the fun stuff (not including the team stuff as the DC get so much joy out of that!). I will be giving up my current job in just under 3 years as I have decided it will be too much for everyone once our youngest goes to secondary as well.

cailindana · 06/10/2014 14:04

Will you be happy to give up your job, Pull? Or are you giving it up because you feel you have no choice?

I used to think I was lazy and unmotivated and that I just couldn't keep on top of things. Now that DH has properly stepped up (and it's only been a few weeks) I realise it is all doable, as long as you're both properly on board, both thinking about things, both anticipating things, both actively sorting things out. If one partner is doing all the thinking, all the planning, all the worrying, then it is just too much.

PullMySocksUp · 06/10/2014 14:56

Yes, I'll be happy as it will put us all in a better position. Going to work full-time outside our home was my choice and not for financial reasons. My DH is supportive of either set up and more than pulls his weight within our home. I have a business on the side that I've kept going over the last 3 years whilst I've been working full-time and will continue with that once I leave my job.

catsbabyandchaos · 06/10/2014 16:10

Cailin I'm not trying to be disingenuous but you do realise lots of us have to do that stuff AND work as well?

cailindana · 06/10/2014 16:17

Of course cats, obviously I'm not working at all, I'm just scratching my arse while the children look after themselves.

FragileBrittleStar · 06/10/2014 16:24

Depends.
(i have posted lots on this)
It depends on what the SAHP does.
Whilst DS was preschool age it didn't make a lot of difference- nanny/nursery could have been used to do the childcare whilst I was at work- cleaner did housework- and no-one at home= reduced housework. DP found SAH hardwork so i as wohp was under pressure to get home quickly/take care of DS when home. I did /do all night waking and most of cooking at weekends.

mathanxiety · 06/10/2014 16:30

Cats, do you know any CMs or nursery workers who get their admin and personal chores or housework done while at work? Have you ever wondered why people can't or don't bring their babies and small children to their place of paid employment with them?

cailindana · 06/10/2014 16:34

I think cats post says it all actually - it betrays the idea that SAHPs are doing nothing while everyone else works.

Snapespotions · 06/10/2014 16:48

I had to laugh a little Snapes when you said you do things on the bus or on your lunchbreak. I don't have a commute or a lunchbreak

I didn't say I did stuff on the bus, as I very rarely use buses, and I don't have a commute either. I said that I did stuff while waiting to pick up dd from activities, which is a little different.

As for lunch breaks, meh, I don't know any WOHPs who actually take one, but I might grab five minutes to ring a plumber between meetings or something. I would think it's just as easy for a sahp to make a quick call while pre-school dc are watching peppa pig/having a nap or whatever. That's what I used to do when dd was younger, in any case - in those days, I worked a split shift so was home for lunch until she went to bed. I had far more time to get things done then than I do now.

noclevername · 06/10/2014 16:49

I still don't see the point in all these comparisons. Every family is different, whether it's in regard to :
Children - ages, needs
Unpaid support from family ( eg grandparents helping with child care)
Finances
Employment opportunities
Caring role for eg elderly parents, caring for others in community, voluntary work
Illness
Etc etc

For society to function needs people in work and people giving their time for 'free' to support others, whether in the community or family. In real life no one fits their stereotype, yet these debates seem to be trying to pigeon- hole people.

Also as far as these lifestyle comparisons go, people are also not always upfront about the details - eg personal illness, redundancy, inherited money etc etc. and why should they be.

Superficial comparisons between families - which is all any of us can make - seem rather meaningless.

cailindana · 06/10/2014 16:58

I don't feel it's meaningless noclever. We're constantly fed bullshit that if a woman stays at home with children she's doing her duty and she should be grateful to her man for providing for her and in return for his great sacrifice she should do everything in the house, including washing her man's clothes and organising his social life. Yet, if a man stays home with children he's the one making the sacrifice and, of course, he can't be expected to do everything, so, as mentioned by several posters on this thread, the woman working outside the home has to come home and take over from her put-upon, worn out SAHD husband. It's the disparity that gets me - the idea that childcare is oh so difficult and time consuming when done by a man, but a piece of piss and insignificant when done by a woman.

If a woman is expected to look after children and do all admin, housework, etc then the same should be expected of a man.