to think a sahp is a luxury

[3nonblondeboys80]

for the sahm and the wohp parent. Lots gets said about being a sahm is a luxury lifestyle choice etc etc. However, I think it is also a luxury for the wohp.
eg not having to do half the housework,
half the sickness days,
nighttime waking.
knowing you can go away on business conference etc without having to worry about arranging childcare.
no dealing with school admin, homework help.
having someone to sort out family prescriptions, medical appointments, car servicing etc etc.
not having to share school, nursey picks ups.
Ok I accept wohp has some additional burden being the only wage earner but I feel this is more than balanced by the above.
aibu

I work, dh was out of work for 11 months and I loved it, kids were home when I got in, house was reasonably tidy and tea was on the table. We each had time to exercise and to have a bit of a social life, as my dm and df were happy to take the dcs an occasional weekend evening as they didn't have the afternoons with them (they do the school pick up 3 afternoons a week now). I still did plenty around the house but not the bulk which I do now, due to dh's commute taking so much time now.

Life is a logistical nightmare now that dc's have different sports, dh working shifts and working so far from home. It's a juggling act most days.

Well I think you'd have disparity re housework no matter what 'role/employment set up ' is more fool them

Hellokittycat doesn't surprise me either.

I'm lucky to have a fantastic dp who would happily do everything if I let him, but I just wouldn't feel right letting him do all the work all the time.

My job can mean long hours and can be pretty draining/stressful (especially as I am disabled so I can find it very difficult at times) but I do my best to help out at home even of that just means doing a couple loads of washing or whatever.

I know lots of women that are sahps though, and they don't have the same deal with their dps/dhs. Not sure why women tend to be more driven in that sense.

It's a luxury if it is purely by choice with no financial hardship.

It might also be a luxury a couple is willing to pinch pennies to afford.

It's a drag if it is a choice driven by income vs. childcare expenses, especially if you still end up pinching pennies to make it work.

We consider it a luxury. We can afford it. because of the years I worked full time while he was getting a doctorate and working varying hours in addition to school. When he was employable at professional level he began at double my earning ability, i have not worked full time since

I'm a SAHM and DH is still involved with the children and the household stuff, he certainly doesn't only concern himself with his job.

What it does do is free up our weekends and evenings almost entirely from dull chores, which is a luxury. We get a lot of downtime together as a family which is lovely.

For us this was a huge reason for me not working . Dp commutes -leaves at 7 and gets back 8.30 -9.30.
He needs my support. Weekends are craziville with training regimes so there's no time for jobs. It's my role to clear all chores in the week.

staying home is a necessity here not a luxury. childcare to cover my hours to go back to work would have taken all my wages and an amount of dp's and I would still have needed his support to pay my car bills etc we are actually marginally better off with me at home.

that said I do everything to do with childcare, all household chores, shopping, school runs for his older kids, he spends his free time asleep, watching TV or tinkering with bikes or the car

I'm not sure luxury is the word. I know a woman who feels it is a necessity for her job to have her husband at home. She doesn't do any more than the average man does around the house when she is home. The one thing she is completely in charge of is home decorating choosing colours, furniture, curtains, etc but she does no gardening, no deep cleaning, no organising her husband's tasks for the coming week. He mealplans, shops, cooks, they both clean up after meals, he organises all the laundry and the cleaning rota and he gets it all done, and he is in charge 100% of the family calendar, the children's schedules and activities and schlepping them around to all their sports, making their doctor and dentist appointments, taking them to the appointments, doing school runs. They both supervise homework. She frequently says she has a wife and I think she has a very clear understanding of all that he does, and a deep appreciation for his contribution, and he knows that. They both get separate breaks from it all and individual free time as well as the family holiday. Being able to rely completely on him means she is doing a postgrad degree on top of her job, and will be able to advance at work as a result.

And they don't spend all weekend running around trying to do errands as he is a great time manager and gets things done during the week.

Women tend to be driven and work longer around the house if they are the sahp because they feel terribly guilty about being the one who gets to stay home. The SAHD I described rightly sees his role as a monday to friday, 7 to 6 job that he does well just as he would put in those hours between travel and work if he was the one working outside the home. A lot of women do not see their role as sahms as a job in the same sense, both because women's role in the home has never been valued by society and because sometimes in subtle ways their own Hs treat them as some sort of elves who magically get things done and their contribution goes unappreciated and unacknowledged because it can't be evaluated in terms of a figure on a paycheque.

YANBU.

The dynamic in the vast majority of families once children come along, is one of the reasons why there is still a significant need for feminism, IMO.

I hated being on maternity leave, and being relegated to the household skivvy, by virtue of being the one at home all day.

It made me feel so uncomfortably resentful of my DH (to whom I'd never had such feelings before), that I needed to get back to work as soon as it was realistically possible for me to do so.

Well, for that reason, and also wanting to be financially solvent in my own right, and contributing to the household coffers.

I still find that I do the majority of the wifework, even though I work - would love to know if anyone manages to share that load completely and entirely 100% equally...

I have become so much more of a feminist since becoming a mother, and seeing how the subtle inequalities between men and women play out in every day life...

"Surely though people know whether one parent will have to be a SAHP before even TTC? People generally look at their finances and know prior to TTC whether they could afford childcare or not?"

No. We knew our circumstances when we TTC our first child. We couldn't have predicted that I would be made redundant while pregnant with no2, find myself unwell/ unable to look for a new job while pregnant, hit by recession and very few jobs on the market by the time I was ready to start looking. 4 years later and I'm a SAHM. Not by choice, not by design, but by circumstance. Going back to work sooner would have meant I was out of pocket. Very high local childcare costs, no family to help. So waiting til dc starts school next year to go back part time.

My dh knows how much easier his life is for having me I pick up everything at home. He doesn't lift a finger other than to spend what little non-working time he has with the kids. When I go back to work he simply won't be able to keep the hours he currently does. He will have to do school runs, take leave to look after the kids when they are sick/ on holiday, cook dinner, stick a wash on etc.

Oh - totally Op. when I was on maternity we all got up an hour later than we do on my work days now. And even now dd is at school we still get up half an hour later on my days off. (I work part time.) Dh works flexibly and on his early finish day it is brilliant - I don't have to constantly watch the clock to make sure I leave on time to get ds. (We each pick up one child as nursery and school are in opposite directions as are our jobs so we each go past one.)

When dh was made redundant and was between jobs when dd was little it was absolutely brilliant. I got up, bf dd, got myself ready for work, kissed dh and dd and then off I went. No getting them dressed, no constant chivvying them up, no arguments over which if 17 choices they wanted for breakfast. I just left.

YANBU. The main issue in my young and somewhat beleaguered marriage is trying to make DH see that I stay at home so that he can work, and not the other way around. I would happily change places and yet - strangely - this holds no interest for him.

Well said japanesemargaret - and I guess this thread shows well the complete inequality between men and women either because it's expected the mother will be relegated to SAHP just because she's a woman or whether the mother does it because her wage is lower than her DH's wage. The proportion of SAHP's that are women compared to men must be very high and if this is a reflection of pay inequality in the workplace then it's pretty sad really.

mumoftwoyoungkids - your last paragraph sounds like luxury, especially your last 3 words I think my husband currently enjoys that attitude to home life Oh how he'll get a reality check when I go back to work...

Well said japanesemargaret - and I guess this thread shows well the complete inequality between men and women either because it's expected the mother will be relegated to SAHP just because she's a woman or whether the mother does it because her wage is lower than her DH's wage. The proportion of SAHP's that are women compared to men must be very high and if this is a reflection of pay inequality in the workplace then it's pretty sad really.

mumoftwoyoungkids - your last paragraph sounds like luxury, especially your last 3 words I think my husband currently enjoys that attitude to home life Oh how he'll get a reality check when I go back to work...

Make sure you need to leave the house first, Writer. Ime you literally have to not be there not to get lumped with everything. A disappearing act is the only remedy.

I've got a job interview at end of next week where for 3 days a week I will be leaving the house before DH and coming home later than what will be DH's bedtime It means I can "just leave" and know that DH will have to get DS up, do his breakfast, get him dressed, take him to CM, pick him up from CM and then do dinner, bath and bed. Plus he will need to do the general day-to-day cleaning of washing up, clearing up after himself and putting a load of washing on before work and hanging it out when he gets home

I literally can just leave the house in the morning with the knowledge that nothing DS or house related is my problem for that day

I can't wait to see how DH copes

He will cope though - that's the insult. Of course they can bloody do it, they just choose not to when they can lump it on someone else.

Good plan though

Mathan, that's how dh sees it - as a job. His core job is to look after ds. Where time allows, he then picks up much of the domestic bits too. But if they are busy all day, washing doesn't get done and that's just the way it is. He definitely sees it as a proper job and acts accordingly.

I do think this is where families with the woman as the sahp often go wrong. It is viewed as a luxury for the woman and she should be "grateful" which is absolute rubbish.

We had lunch yesterday with a dad friend and his two dc. His wife is a sahm and we often run into him on the weekend because he does totally see her job as being Monday to Friday and that therefore they need to both get time off on weekend. He gets time to play or watch sport and ahe gets time to do her thing too. And dh and I often see them because he is the one who takes the dc to the local park on Saturdays or similar.

My youngest has just started school and I start my new job In Jan. dH earns 45k with company car and health insurance ..,we have 4 dc aged 4-13..,I am seriously considering a longer break life feels so right. All of us are happy. I can attend everything at school and not worry about illness or docs appointments. I can get jobs done so we can have family weekends, do homework and simply be there.

So yes it's a complete luxury especially of you have children at school...

I have been a WoHD then was made redundant so became a SAHD and then again became a WOHD ( I'm presuming this means working mum) but wasn't ready so was sacked so back to a SAHD, got another job, got sacked for being too tired and not concentrating properly, and back and forth from WOHD to SAHD mainly because I was just to exhausted to concentrate on my work properly so here I am back to SAHD and it's depressing to say the least as I love a working environment and always got on well with colleagues and worked my hardest, turned up on time. I was just never ready as I have 2 DD ( still don't know what DD exactly stands for) and I'm a single mum. It was just to much for me to do it all and now I just feel totally incompetent even though I can not help that I'm just to exhausted to hold down a job properly. And thought of going on benefits just crushes my spirit, I had to have benefits once before for a short while and they treat you appallingly. I would do anything not to go through that again. I have applied for more simple jobs but I'm too qualified in my area of expertise which I can not do right now because my brain is just not doing it's job properly. So there are many reasons why we are WOHD or SAHD through choice or not.

I'm the WOHP and having DH at home with DS most days is only a luxury in that DS is happy and does fun things with his dad every day.

It's tough for me because I not only have the immense pressure of being the sole breadwinner, but I also do about 75pc of the housework (DH is 'too busy' playing with DS to do it).

When DS is at nursery its easier because I pick him up and then come home to tidy house, rather than one strewn with toys and dirty dishes.

Where it is easier, though, is if DS is ill or needs to go to the doctor etc. I rarely have to take time off work to do that, whereas I would if DH worked full time.

So no, I don't see it as a luxury for the WOHP. If DH could find work, our financial situation wouldn't be so precarious, and he'd also be far happier. I'd trade that for not having to take time off work for the doctor.