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AIBU?

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Original poster

DM has kidnapped my babies!

250 replies

bedraggledmumoftwo · 28/09/2014 15:42

Just got back from a night away with dh, timed to get back for the end of naptime, to find an empty house. Turns out Dm has taken my kids to visit my grandmother, over an hour away, and only just got there so wont be back for a good few hours. We only went for one night locally so that we wouldn't have to be away from baby for more than 24 hours. Dh is absolutely furious because he works away all week and hardly sees them. But i hadn't told her when we would be back, just assumed they would be here for naptime since i gave her the schedule(which must have been ignored. So aibu to think she should have checked before buggering off on a Sunday afternoon, or is it my fault for not telling her when we would be back?

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 28/09/2014 20:21

He's the "bad guy" because he stopped the OP from getting tge lie-in she needs, because he is unhappy that her family travel to give her the support she needs and because his temper tantrum undid all the good the OP got from her night away.

He completely disregarded her needs and was a total dick.

HTH

Original poster
bedraggledmumoftwo · 28/09/2014 20:24

He did apologise for being so angry. I can understand though. Yes, he was being a twat earlier, and that upset me into being melodramatic, but at the end of the day, i did miss them after 24 hrs, it must be horrible for him barely seeing them.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 28/09/2014 20:25

"I can see his point though because he does work 100"

In my opinion it wouldn't have mattered if he worked every single hour of the week, he would have had absolutely no right to be "furious" with your kind mother, because she and the children weren't in when you and he came back ... especially when neither of you had had the courtesy to bother to tell her when you would be back.

Either you agree with him ... I cannot imagine how you could, but you might especially given that you say "I can see his point" ... in which case you and he are as unreasonably nasty as each other

or you don't agree with him ... and that might well be the case, there seem to be some strong undercurrents here ... in which case the issues here are all about your relationship , not about your mother, who doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

morethanpotatoprints · 28/09/2014 20:25

What a wanker.

My love you deserve better than this, he sounds like a right mummies boy with his temper tantrums.
it can't be a good atmosphere for your kids, and then daddy is gone for another 100 hours.

fascicle · 28/09/2014 20:25

I can see his point though because he does work 100 hours a week

Is that a typo? If not, I'm guessing it's a rather significant detail. That's not sustainable and would at least partly explain your dh's disproportionate response.

Hakluyt · 28/09/2014 20:29

The father's appropriate response would have been what my mil calls "a petted lip" and an "awwwwwwwww s'not fair, I wanted to play with the babies!!!!!!!!".

Not fury. Fury is for big deals.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 28/09/2014 20:32

My goodness, a night away with DH and coming home to an empty house for a few more hours of being Shakes and not mummy is my idea of bliss (yes I do love my children).

I'd say this is a stealth boast rather than a problem Wink

Would your mum take my kids to see your grandmother?

MiuChoos · 28/09/2014 20:34

If you didn't tell her when you were going to be back, how on earth is she supposed to know when you will be? Confused She's not psychic.
It's unreasonable to expect her to sit in for what could potentially have been all day just on the off chance you came home earlier instead of later.

PiperIsOrange · 28/09/2014 20:34

No way does your DH work 100 hours a week, that would mean 20 hour days, with 4 hours to sleep and commute.

OddFodd · 28/09/2014 20:35

If it was so important that you children be waiting for your husband when he arrived home, that should have been communicated.

In any even, I'm surprised that neither of you rang your mum in the morning to see how the children were, particularly if it was the first night you'd been away from them overnight.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/09/2014 20:36

Piper I think doctors in hospitals can work those sorts of hours, unsure if it is a relentless thing though.

hoobypickypicky · 28/09/2014 20:37

"Hooby, no, i am not frightened of him. If anything, i was concerned that it was going to impact negatively on my parents staying at our house all the time, which he puts up with for my benefit, although i know he would rather they didn't. "

I'm very glad you're not scared of him but your explanation doesn't bathe him in a particularly good light either. Why does he "put up" with your parents as opposed to being welcoming?

Original poster
bedraggledmumoftwo · 28/09/2014 20:44

Not a typo, probably an exaggeration. 100 hours not unheard of, probably 80 normally, but he stays in a hotel during the week so only sees the kids at the weekends.

OP posts:
Nomama · 28/09/2014 20:46

Be fair hooby, we all have family we put up with. ILs are usually the target, on both sides.

Not surprising really as they do tend to be the centre of all things childish in us, no partner likes to see that, do they?

I know my ILs treat DH as though he is still a bad 14 year old boy... they use him as a scapegoat (oldest child syndrome in spades) and it irritates the crap out of me. DH tells me my parents are no better, I have no reason to doubt him.

schmee · 28/09/2014 20:46

My DH works 80-90 hour weeks every single week and I wouldn't let him go off at or about my DM in those circumstances.

schmee · 28/09/2014 20:49

That said if he really wanted to see the kids instead of having a night away with me (including lie-in), we wouldn't go away.

MyFairyKing · 28/09/2014 20:53

So he works 80-100 hours during the week and I assume he has weekends free?! So, he is working up to 20 hours a day?

sanfairyanne · 28/09/2014 21:35

how about leaving him in charge another weekend when you need a break, and you go and stay at your parents overnight. might be more relaxing for you and might do him good to have some 'quality time' (aka drudge of childcare).

Original poster
bedraggledmumoftwo · 28/09/2014 21:55

He usually does at least a coupleof hours from home on a sat and a sun. Hes working now. And the occasional all nighter during the week, but often till midnight. Not good.

he is welcoming to my parents but they do come and stay a lot. If it were my in laws it would definitely not be ok with me!

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 28/09/2014 21:59

"he is welcoming to my parents but they do come and stay a lot. If it were my in laws it would definitely not be ok with"

Right, I see where he's coming from now! :)

fairyanne has a very good suggestion - you take a break away for the weekend and let him spend time alone with the DC. Win-win.

DiaDuit · 28/09/2014 21:59

This was your first night away in 3 years. So DH has ha every single other weekend of thier lives with them, i'm assuming he'll have next weekend with them and the one after that, and the next one. But he was furious because he was getting 2/3 hours less with them this weekend than he had planned? Really?

He's a dickhead. Sounds like he just didnt like that your mum made a decision he hadnt Okayed. And you wont help things by placating him when he's beings knob. Cant believe you made an issue with your mum for him!

Nanny0gg · 28/09/2014 22:03

I've missed the posts in the middle so I'll go back, but
I'll go against the grain and say if I left someone looking after my kids at my house and they decided to take an hours drive on the motorway with them, especially as one of them is a baby, then I would have expected them to check that was ok, or to have told me that was part of their plans for the time with them. The op didn't say when she'd be back because she thought she knew where they'd be and it was implicit in the arrangement. The onus is on the other person to declare their wish to do something different. Everyone is focussing on taking the piss out of the OPs schedule, but surely most people would expect to be told where their babies might be likely to be during the time they've left them. I know I would. Mumsnet seems to get very emotive about the rights of granny and great-granny but if you are a mother or father with any particular wishes you need to get a grip and you deserve everything you get,

I'm a granny and I agree with this. I wouldn't have just taken my DGC off for a trip elsewhere without checking with their parents first. It's not quite the same as a visit to the park.

Hulababy · 28/09/2014 22:10

Your dh is the one who has over reacted and caused all this stress, and definitely not your mum who was doing you both a favour.

Presumably your dh chooses to work in the job he does and have the hours he does. If he finds it so difficult and has to take it out on you by over reacting like this then maybe it is time to reconsider his work options and the family lifestyle as a result.

arseyfarcey · 28/09/2014 22:25

It is always horrible the first time you leave your babies. I completely understand, and because its so fractious for you- you expect the person looking after them will just follow your plan and understand how it feels for you, &communicate if their going out etc. I was like this with my PFB (2 A4 pages of notes) Less so with second baby in terms of notes (lol), but i havent left them both for the night yet. However, you should have told your DM you were on the way home.

Your DH should have given you more of a break and a lie in frankly! I would be so fucking grateful for my DM taking them off somewhere for a few more hours :) ha!

I think your mum should have told you should was taking them somewhere though. I get pissed off when my feed/nap times are not stuck to. To have all your (as in OP) sleep messed up from one day is such a ball ache.

I hope they sleep through for you OP :)

DiaDuit · 28/09/2014 22:30

2 A4 page of notes! Shock does your child take lots of different meds or something?

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