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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM has kidnapped my babies!

250 replies

bedraggledmumoftwo · 28/09/2014 15:42

Just got back from a night away with dh, timed to get back for the end of naptime, to find an empty house. Turns out Dm has taken my kids to visit my grandmother, over an hour away, and only just got there so wont be back for a good few hours. We only went for one night locally so that we wouldn't have to be away from baby for more than 24 hours. Dh is absolutely furious because he works away all week and hardly sees them. But i hadn't told her when we would be back, just assumed they would be here for naptime since i gave her the schedule(which must have been ignored. So aibu to think she should have checked before buggering off on a Sunday afternoon, or is it my fault for not telling her when we would be back?

OP posts:
ladymariner · 28/09/2014 22:34

So you don't want his parents to stay, he 'puts up' with yours but would rather not, he throws a tantrum if things don't go to his plan, you are on edge over his reaction, your mother is in the wrong for doing something she thought was nice, she's also expected to be a mind reader.....what is any of you getting from this???

OlderMummy1 · 28/09/2014 22:47

You need to let go a bit.

My parents see my children everyday. They adore each other. If they stay over they go to bed too late and make/eat too many jam tarts but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sleep deprevation is no fun. Maybe you need a bit more support on a regular basis x

FlorenceMattell · 28/09/2014 23:01

Control issues

arseyfarcey · 28/09/2014 23:10

Diaduit - DC1 had awful reflux so some medication but very high needs, very particular to settle etc. DC2 is easy peasy, it would be post it sized notes due to less issues with baby and with me :)

Greenrememberedhills · 28/09/2014 23:16

Really OP, from someone whose parents or in laws have never once babysat (in 30 years), I don't see the problem.

m0therofdragons · 29/09/2014 00:25

If you want childcare that you can manage get a nanny, with grandparents ime you have to let them do it there way a bit so long as dc are safe. Mine are obsessed with giving them kitkats. Also, neither set of dcs ' gps can figure out the groclock. Dm probably thought she was doing a lovely thing taking them to see family and giving you and dh time together. If you'd stated a time it would be different but even then, enjoy the quality time together. If dh misses them so much don't leave them for a weekend. simple.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 29/09/2014 06:46

I am presuming that most of us are not grannies on this thread.

so, instead imagine you are staying overnight to look after your 9 month and 2 year old nieces. Or perhaps your best friend's children.

Would you really think 'sod the routine, I'm doing things my way' and then go on a 120 mile round trip without telling your sister/best friend?

seriously?!

backbystealth · 29/09/2014 06:52

OP

Why does your husband work these horrendous hours and stay away during the week?

You do realise you have a choice as a family in how you work things, in how you manage money and time... he has a choice. Or do you/he feel you don't for some reason?

I work FT and always have done. We have three children. But I would never have taken a job that meant I saw so little of my family. Well not 'would never' even 'have never' - I have had choices too! If my current job changed so that I was doing an extra 20/30 hours a week, I'd quit. We'd downsize our house etc.

Workytypestuff · 29/09/2014 07:06

Why not just enjoy a bit of relaxation? Hmm

MabelBee · 29/09/2014 07:15

Your mum should have let you know she was planning to take them out. You obviously have your reasons for having a strict routine, so this seems like power play to me. She's letting you know that she thinks your routine is silly. I have two children who can easily cope with straying from the routine, who can miss a nap or nap in the car. I have one who absolutely cannot. So yes, we are at home for the same two hour period every day. And I would absolutely expect anyone looking after my children to do the same.

Having said that, your husband is being hideous.

diddl · 29/09/2014 07:26

I'd be really upset if i was expecting to see my kids & they weren't there tbh.
And as for taking them out in the car, no, no & no tbh!
They weren't good enough drivers.

I assume that OPs mum has car seats & is trusted to drive.

When you say that you needed the break OP, why didn't you have a night in a hotel & your husband have time with the kids?
Or you meant that you wanted time with just him?

Delphiniumsblue · 29/09/2014 07:31

If I am looking after someone else's children they have to fit in! There is no way I can promise to be in for exactly the same 2 hours everyday!
Either you trust your mother to look after them or you don't- and if you don't then don't leave them!

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 29/09/2014 07:54

Other people's children might "have to fit in" around your own children's nap or meal times or activities (non of which applies in the op's case where there are no other children involved) or the need to go to the supermarket or similar... However most people absolutely would not take somebody else's children on a 120 mile round trip motorway journey without first mentioning it to the parents, unless it was a genuine emergency and the parents not contactable by mobile phone.

Delphiniumsblue · 29/09/2014 08:23

They can now clear it up for next time- but I wouldn't put too many 'rules' or you won't get free babysitters!

Original poster
bedraggledmumoftwo · 29/09/2014 09:05

Hi all, mabelbee may be right, in that my mum does ridicule a lot of my rules, and likes to give my toddler sweets and tv, knowing shes not allowed! However, i firmly believe the routine is sacred- the toddler was cranky last night as her two hour nap had been replaced with 45 mins sleep in the car, and the baby woke up at 5 this morning, where we had previously made it to seven. But my mum had kindly taken the baby monitor so i slept past seven in blissful ignorance.

To be clear, there was no nastiness to my mum, who i love dearly, the only sniping was my husband being stroppy about it while they were gone. But they came back quite quickly after my mum heard i was upset, so he did get some time with them last night, and is now away for work again.

thanks all for taking an interest. Sorry about the overdramatic title, the exclamation mark was intended to show it was a joke, but obviously misfired.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 29/09/2014 09:48

We've all been there op, tone is often lost in written for .

Glad all is well now.

sanfairyanne · 29/09/2014 10:01

such is life
routines are all very well but if you choose to break the routine by leaving your kids with someone else, then you really must expect them to be a bit out of routine the next day.
even if your mum had stayed at home, they might have behaved differently for her
probably best you look after them yourself for a while yet if routine is sacrosanct in your house

pictish · 29/09/2014 10:09

I always felt if it was rare break versus hallowed routine, the routine could go to cock.
My mum did everything her own way when she babysat. We fell out about sweets and so on, I remember, but looking back I seriously should have wound my neck in about it. It's smallfry.

On the other hand, I accepted that when my mum was in charge, she ran the show. I had the attitude that the children ought to fit in around her. I think a bit of grump owing to an hour or two's lost sleep is well worth the opportunity to be set free for the night. I sucked it up with pleasure.

Icimoi · 29/09/2014 10:12

When I read the reference to a 60 mile journey I assumed 30 miles each way, not a 120 mile round trip. Given that OP refers to the DC sleeping for 45 minutes on the journey, that sounds about right?

Sootgremlin · 29/09/2014 10:50

An hour round the m25 is about 50-60 miles so would be 120 mile round trip.

duchesse · 29/09/2014 10:55

She's their grandmother, OP. It takes a village and all that... Lovely for the children to see both Grandmother and G grandmother in the same weekend. Hope you enjoyed your extra few hours off.

sanfairyanne · 29/09/2014 11:00

how often does your grandmother get to see the kids normally?
i have to say, i would feel all warm and fuzzy about my kids being with their gran and great gran. i think dh would too.

babyboomersrock · 29/09/2014 12:33

I am presuming that most of us are not grannies on this thread

so, instead imagine you are staying overnight to look after your 9 month and 2 year old nieces. Or perhaps your best friend's children

Would you really think 'sod the routine, I'm doing things my way' and then go on a 120 mile round trip without telling your sister/best friend?

seriously?!

I am a granny, and look after my grandchildren regularly. I would never do this - why on earth would I drive around in the car with them, when they could be happily playing at home, or going out to the park, or having a nap in their own beds? Being in the car is no treat for any child - it suits the adults, that's all. I assume that the great grandmother could have seen the children at another time which suited everyone.

Apart from that, I never ever take the children anywhere without checking with their parents first. They are happy for us to take them on outings but I'm not going to make a decision like that without letting them know, at least. You were given no chance to object to this decision, and that is wrong.

Purpleroxy · 29/09/2014 12:44

I can't understand why you voluntarily left your babies if doing so was too emotional for you.

I do however think your DM was wrong to just do whatever the fuck she wanted without any prior discussion.

Vintagejazz · 29/09/2014 12:48

Sorry but YABU. You cannot expect everyone to work around your schedule all of the time, particularly when they're already doing you a favour. And your DH sounds a bit self entitled TBH.
Also, the title of your thread is a bit unpleasant.

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