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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM has kidnapped my babies!

250 replies

bedraggledmumoftwo · 28/09/2014 15:42

Just got back from a night away with dh, timed to get back for the end of naptime, to find an empty house. Turns out Dm has taken my kids to visit my grandmother, over an hour away, and only just got there so wont be back for a good few hours. We only went for one night locally so that we wouldn't have to be away from baby for more than 24 hours. Dh is absolutely furious because he works away all week and hardly sees them. But i hadn't told her when we would be back, just assumed they would be here for naptime since i gave her the schedule(which must have been ignored. So aibu to think she should have checked before buggering off on a Sunday afternoon, or is it my fault for not telling her when we would be back?

OP posts:
StormSwept · 28/09/2014 17:27

You are probably feeling more upset over it then you would normally because your DH is being an absolute over it and I'm going to take a guess and say you knew he would be a knob over this and your heart sank a little when you realised what had happened because you knew what his reaction would be when the children were not waiting by the fireside with cherub hair, rosy cheeks and squealing in delight that daddy was home.

I expect you feel a little torn as well as a little sad as I'm sure you were looking forward to seeing the kids. I think YABVU to think your mum was out of order for doing this, I do though think the problem does not lie with your mum treating great granny to the kids for a couple of hours, the problem lies with your husband. He sounds awful.

TidyDancer · 28/09/2014 17:28

I'm surprised anyone could have this kind of reaction. Most people would think how lovely it was that their DCs could spend this time with their great grandmother and also enjoy the time at home to settle back after a night away.

Your DH is being really horrible. At least you have realised (at least I hope so) how mean you were sounding before you see your DM. She has done a lovely thing for your DCs and been very kind in facilitating a night away for you and your DH. Please don't let him treat her badly, he sounds very unkind and I would hope your DM doesn't have to be out through an undeserved tantrum from him.

Please thank her and don't put on a PA performance.

Surreyblah · 28/09/2014 17:28

Agree that YWBU to expect your dm to be in, and that your H is being unreasonable, but I wouldn't be happy with the DC being driven 60 miles on the M25 to visit another relative without prior agreement, at any time!

TidyDancer · 28/09/2014 17:29

out = put

TheRealAmandaClarke · 28/09/2014 17:29

I think yabu. You didnt specify a return time.
But i can understand how it has unsettled you if its the first time you have left them overnight and you were expecting to see them on return.
And i think both you, dh and dm could have communicated better about each of your plans.
Your Dh is being very unreasonable.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/09/2014 17:33

Ok, so I don't agree with the dramatic Ott language, and I think your DH is a penis! but I do fundamentally agree with you OP.

Your children are similarly ages to mine and the thought of that happening to me would upset me, undoubtedly. Yes, you should have let her know that you were coming home, but much much more importantly Your DM should have let you know that she was taking them off on a long journey to visit your grandma.

In short, YANBU

Sootgremlin · 28/09/2014 17:35

Well maybe if some of you had left your small children at 9 months and 2 for the first time you would get it. It's easy to say how much you would have appreciated it in hindsight, but your actual reaction on the day might have been more nuanced? Conflicted? Emotional?

I don't understand this "I didn't have this so you should be grateful under any circumstances attitude". OP didn't specify a time, but neither did the OPs mum say she was taking them anywhere else other than home, it's not worth a feud, but certainly a conversation. Why did she have to stray from the plan the first time?

It always seems like if you have any other attitude than joy and relief at leaving your children you need to get a grip.

Go easy on yourself OP, even if no one else is Flowers

Fwiw there's nothing OTT about your OP. They are kids, they were also napping. Accurate. Wink

BehindLockNumberNine · 28/09/2014 17:36

Yeah yeah yeah, i realise you all cant remember how emotional it is to leave your baby for the first time.

Uhm..... mine are 15 and 11. We have never left them yet, we don't have close family willing to look after them. Count your blessings and tell your dh to do the same!

Sootgremlin · 28/09/2014 17:38

Yy enjoyingmycoffee, I would have been so disconcerted at coming home to find my baby not where I expected her to be. My dm would understand this also.

Spaceboundeminem · 28/09/2014 17:44

I dunno on this I left my dc for our first wedding aniversary in July for the first time.

My mother and man who were looking after our three dc 8,4 and 2 at the time. Made me write out a detailed schedule so they could stick to it. However two of my dc have asd. So routines are important in this house.

However I think you do need to calm down an stop thinking this is the end of the world. You dh needs to get a grip.

Spaceboundeminem · 28/09/2014 17:44

And nan not man.

Guitargirl · 28/09/2014 17:44

OP- If it's so emotional to leave your children then just don't do it. Maybe you just aren't ready. My DCs were aged 7 and 5 the first time I left them overnight. I couldn't have left either of them at age 9 months as they both still bf overnight at that age. If it's causing you this much angst then just stay at home next time.

Fairenuff · 28/09/2014 17:49

I'm not surprised you're upset OP, with your dh treating you like that. He sounds selfish and ignorant.

Why didn't he ask if you'd arranged a time to be back or, god forbid, pick up the phone himself.

He has spoiled what was supposed to be a nice treat for you. What a knob.

catkind · 28/09/2014 17:50

I'm going to go against the grain here, I would be upset too. You should have agreed between you all when you'd aim to be back. But equally, DM shouldn't have gone off somewhere without checking. It wouldn't have mattered what time you were back if they were near home.

Your kids are really young and haven't been left overnight before, right? My two would have been getting quite upset after that long without us. I wonder if they could have been getting whiny and she thought of taking them somewhere as a distraction? Or just she got a bit carried away and wanted to show the kids off to her mum? I do find it a bit random to zoom off somewhere that late on a Sunday afternoon. The M25 is awful on Sunday afternoons/evenings too, we try to avoid it.

My DS is 5 and regularly goes to stay with his granny. Not because we need babysitting but just because they both love it. I can't imagine her even now taking him off to visit someone an hour away without mentioning it to us first. And that's even if he was due to stay the night after too. It would be a really odd thing to do in our family, so can understand if it seems odd to OP too.

Hope they're happy and tired when they get home OP. Smile

hoobypickypicky · 28/09/2014 18:00

". I realise i should have specified, but since i am in the house for that two hour period every day"

Every day?

You mean you don't go out prior to your DC taking their nap or you scuttle off if you are out so you're home for a specific nap time?

You expected your mother, who has done you an almighty favour to be tied to the house just because you choose to be? And your husband is "furious" because she's not operating to restrictive and rather silly timetable?

She's taken your children to see their great grandmother, not the local crack dealer.

This is less a case of YABU and more one of you and your DH are being ridiculous!

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 28/09/2014 18:00

Are you worried they'll be out of routine and over tired on return? Or have been hungry or upset stuck in traffic on the m25?

I used to be a real worrier about routine and sleep. I used to get so anxious. Looking back I had pnd but it wasn't diagnosed until quite late.

I hope your h has calmed down now and your kids come back happy. Please don't have a go at your mum. Try and do something nice whilst waiting. Take away?

ApocalypseNowt · 28/09/2014 18:04

My MIL/FIL do stuff like this. I absolutely love it. I usually use the time to do something really productive like have a nap myself.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/09/2014 18:05

Use of the word "kidnapped" and "furious" ott and not saying when you'd be back but expecting your mum to be in anyway a bit U.

However YANBU to feel upset and emotional and a bit panicy and conflicted at arriving to pick up your very small children the first time you've ever left them and finding the house you believed they were in empty. Your mum was pretty U to take the kids so far away relatively late on a Sunday afternoon without mentioning it to you or checking when you'd be back.

People chastising you for not being delighted to be rid of your kids for longer or telling you you should be grateful unconditionally no matter what because they didn't have a babysitter when their children were small are U - they are the same people who tell you to go and buy your abusive mother flowers and beg her forgiveness for not being unrelentingly adoring because their lovely mother is dead - projecting their feelings and situation onto somebody else's different life.

I left my pfb overnight for the first time the day before her 2nd birthday - to give birth to DC2. Presumably all the people who never left their children overnight have only 1 child, or an absolutely enormous age gap, or had home births with the older child in the house?

Azquilith · 28/09/2014 18:07

Uh, so you've gone away for the night, your Mum has had both your small kids, you didn't tell her when you'd be back and your peeved because she's taken them out. YABU. Your poor Mum.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/09/2014 18:08

Hooby, calm down!

My children are young, but I can pretty much guarantee that if I am lucky enough to be left overnight with their children, then I will damn well stick to any routine my daughter or DIL leaves me. To expect your carer of such young children to keep to your routine is totally acceptable. If they don't like it, don't bloody do it.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/09/2014 18:08

Especially if my daughter had been having a really rough ride with nights and was just beginning to make progress.

Branleuse · 28/09/2014 18:11

Youre both being very very weird about it, but your husband is actually being a wanker.

Im sorry your husband is being an arse because he obviously didnt want to spend quality time with you. Hes obviously hankering for a fight, because this is really no.big.deal.

fascicle · 28/09/2014 18:11

OP, it sounds like an oversight. Don't let it overshadow your weekend away or your Mum's kindness.

hoobypickypicky · 28/09/2014 18:12

I'm perfectly calm, thank you EnjoyingMyCoffee. :)

The OP, on the other hand, is not so much.

"To expect your carer of such young children to keep to your routine is totally acceptable. If they don't like it, don't bloody do it. "

Yes, it is, if they're paid babysitters. If you don't like it, choose someone who's not doing you a massive favour.

Branleuse · 28/09/2014 18:14

and please dont be weird about it when they get back, because your children will pick up on it.

A good grandparent/grandchild relationship is such a special thing. Nurture it