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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM has kidnapped my babies!

250 replies

bedraggledmumoftwo · 28/09/2014 15:42

Just got back from a night away with dh, timed to get back for the end of naptime, to find an empty house. Turns out Dm has taken my kids to visit my grandmother, over an hour away, and only just got there so wont be back for a good few hours. We only went for one night locally so that we wouldn't have to be away from baby for more than 24 hours. Dh is absolutely furious because he works away all week and hardly sees them. But i hadn't told her when we would be back, just assumed they would be here for naptime since i gave her the schedule(which must have been ignored. So aibu to think she should have checked before buggering off on a Sunday afternoon, or is it my fault for not telling her when we would be back?

OP posts:
Original poster
bedraggledmumoftwo · 28/09/2014 16:55

Yeah yeah yeah, i realise you all cant remember how emotional it is to leave your baby for the first time.

yes, we really would have paid a babysitter, it wouldn't have had to be overnight. The reason we wanted a night away is because my mum previously babysat one evening and was waiting up for us when we got in tipsy, making me feel like a naughty teenager.

yes, i need to get a grip, but i am pretty emotional after my first 24 hours without them, and i just feel guilty for not telling her we were en route, as this is all my fault. Thanks for helping me beat myself up though.

OP posts:
D0oinMeCleanin · 28/09/2014 16:58

It's not your fault. It's an oversight.

I assume your DH is capable of picking up a phone and letting MIL know what time he'll be home and that he wants the kids there? Yes? Then why's it also his fault? Or more his fault since he is the one that wants them there?

The issue here is not your mum OP, it's closer to home than that.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

schmee · 28/09/2014 16:59

I was with you until you said you didn't specify what time you would be back. And since you wanted a lie in you can't have been THAT desperate to see them. It's hard leaving your babies but if you want them to be there, you should at least say when you are getting back.

almamatters · 28/09/2014 17:03

But what is "your fault"?! Nothing's happened? Your mum simply took your kids to visit family and you'll have to seen them in a little while! Why on earth is 60 miles round the m25 on a SUNDAY (of all days?!) crazy?? This post is bizarre.

Shinysideup675 · 28/09/2014 17:04

You're being U AND a martyr, by the sounds of it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/09/2014 17:04

OP, your DH is behaving intolerably this weekend. I suggest that in future you go away alone and your DH look after the DCs. That way he gets time with them, you get your lie-in and your relationship with your mum (who sounds quite lovely) won't suffer.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 28/09/2014 17:06

I wouldn't be happy that she had taken the kids somewhere an hour away without letting you know in advance. A trip to the shops/park/relative in the same town is one thing, but an hour away is too far without mentioning it.

But then I've only just got my own ds back from a sleepover at a relative's house where he had a marvellous time but I spent the whole time away from him just waiting to go and get him so I'm maybe not as reasonable as others on this thread. Wink

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/09/2014 17:07

Tiny violin for op. Hmm

You asked for opinions, you got them and simply don't like them.

ssd · 28/09/2014 17:07

"Yeah yeah yeah, i realise you all cant remember how emotional it is to leave your baby for the first time"

no, we do remember and some of us even appreciated it

some of us don't as we never got the chance

but still, whine away if it makes you feel better and have a real go at your mum when she comes in, why don't you

and as for your dh, words fail me.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 28/09/2014 17:09

It's not your fault OP, it's no one's fault. There is no fault to be had. You've had a nice evening away with your DH. Your mum and your children are enjoying a visit to your grandmothers and will be back soon. Nothing bad has happened.

LIZS · 28/09/2014 17:11

Try to relax and enjoy the next childfree hours or two . have snooze, long bath whatever. You know where they are , will she let you know before they leave ? Your dh needs to get a grip tbh . It was a miscommunication , no more.

Rainicorn · 28/09/2014 17:12

Your DM is doing you a favour,,enjoy the child free time. I suggest you start by sending your huffy toddler husband to his room to think about what a giant twat he is being.

SauvignonBlanche · 28/09/2014 17:14

Yeah yeah yeah, i realise you all cant remember how emotional it is to leave your baby for the first time.

I remember it very well, it was 12 years ago, they were 9 and 6 and it was my 11th wedding anniversary.

YABVU, make sure you thank your DM, your DH is being an arse!

LIZS · 28/09/2014 17:15

Before you blame her for them being out of routine tomorrow , I'm afraid that is pretty inevitable whether she tried to follow your schedule or not . They may even have slept longer for her than you! It is hardly her fault your dh doesn't see them during the week either.

CatsCantTwerk · 28/09/2014 17:15

I hope You are going to buy your DM flowers for doing you a FAVOUR! Hmm

TheFairyCaravan · 28/09/2014 17:17

Yeah yeah yeah, i realise you all cant remember how emotional it is to leave your baby for the first time.

I can! It was March, just gone. I left 2 strapping lads of 6ft+ on their own! because I wasn't fortunate enough to have anyone to look after them when they were little.

MyFairyKing · 28/09/2014 17:17

Your DH is behaving like a petulant brat. It sounds like he is the problem. not your mother who made an oversight.

papercliplover · 28/09/2014 17:18

Your husband is a twat. Why didn't he tell your mother that the kids had to be waiting with their faces freshly wanted and nice clean clothes on and you'd rush straight in for his pipe and slippers?

If he works away all week and it was going to be that much of a deal, why didn't he just get a take away for last night?

And how dare he huff with you.

You need to have words with him.

Delphiniumsblue · 28/09/2014 17:18

It is a huge over reaction considering you didn't have specific arrangements. Just relax and be ready to be friendly and welcoming when they return- and to thank them properly.

gingee · 28/09/2014 17:18

I never felt leaving the kids for the first time was a big deal really at all and yes I remember it with all 3. I even let my sister who was 16 at the time take my baby to the park and cafe by herself in the morning so I could lie in. Honestly I've just read thus entire thread and the problem is your husband he's behaving despicably.
Your mum hasn't done anything wrong but I suppose if your DH lets his feelings be known she won't be babysitting again .
In the future either don't go out until they're 16 or hire a professional baby sitter who you can place demands and schedules upon because as an employee they will have to stick to them.

papercliplover · 28/09/2014 17:20

And your mother has hardly kidnapped your kids, has she?

starlight1234 · 28/09/2014 17:21

I do read this thread as a transference of DH anger onto MIL..

Little ones have got to visit an elderly relative , will of made her afternoon, Kids will have spent time with family, you got to recover from your night out.

I think she was trying to do a lovely thing for everyone.

Yes I can understand wanting your babies back but you did want a lie in and neither of you told her what time you would be home.

I do remember well the desperation for sleep but once you get them in a routine teething or colds happen and it goes back out the window again.

Little ones do benefit from routine but not to the point there can be no deviation

strawberryangel · 28/09/2014 17:22

It's not about beating yourself up, it's about realising that nothing is wrong!

Honestly, I remember the feeling well, and I remember overreacting too.

The first time I left my 12 week old PFB with DH for the afternoon (to go bridesmaids dress shopping with my best friend, or I'd have refused to leave him!)- I got back and DH had nipped to his mothers foe a cuppa. He was going to be about an hour. I cried!! And then we had a rip-roaring row when he got back. But looking back, it was the silliest, most pointless row ever.

You and your DH are both over reacting, but it is very normal. If you can snap him out of it, the have a cuppa and enjoy a little more peace and quiet. Are you a SAHM currently? Could you let them stay up late to spend extra time with your DH then have a lie in tomorrow morning? (I know that's often easier said than done, but if their routine's messed up anyway it might not matter.)

You've taken a bashing here, because people only saw that you were mad with your mum, not that horrible hormonal surge of guilt that I'm sure we're all familiar with. Don't let it spoil a lovely weekend- it's just words on a screen. Your DH, mum and DCs are the really important people in your life. Enjoy them. Thanks

strawberryangel · 28/09/2014 17:24

Come on people, she's clearly upset! You've said your piece, stop sticking the boot in.

zipzap · 28/09/2014 17:27

I get where you are coming from OP - if you left her baby sitting and with a timetable of the way things worked as you like them, and she didn't say that she was planning on doing anything different, why would you expect her to go gallivanting off all over the place? And if she did go out then maybe you'd think she would pop down to the park or to the supermarket to pick up some more milk - something local rather than something hours away...

I've had the same sort of thing happen to me - a babysitter when the dc were 5&2 looking after them on a sunday afternoon when we were out - instead of staying at home and doing all the things to do at home that I'd left for them (including ds1 wanting to watch the world cup final) decided to take them out the moment we had left, meeting up with her dh and dd (a teenager) whilst out and playing pretend happy big families (think she always wanted more dc). She didn't bother to mention to me that she had planned to do this (I would have said NO - I wanted them to have a nice afternoon playing at home for a number of reasons, not least I wanted them to have an afternoon at home and i didn't want her driving them around without any car seats doing her jobs whilst I was paying her to look after my dc).

Who expects somebody who is babysitting to go out with the dc? You don't. I know lots of babysitting happens in the evening so the dc are about to go to bed etc which makes it different - but even so - it just never occurred to me that if I was paying someone to babysit that they would take the kids out and about. If I was using a childminder then I would have different expectations - but a babysitter - I would expect them to stay at home!

So would definitely be very upset even if it was my mum and she had taken them off for the afternoon.

Having said that, I'm surprised you didn't say when you thought you would be back - I bet she just assumed that you would make the most of being away and be back as late as possible because that's what she would do (or thinks what she would have done). Whereas it's obvious to you that you would be back much sooner for your dh to be able to spend some time with the dc... Unfortuanately I think you need to chalk it up to being an example of when everybody has assumed different things because they were so obvious to them that they didn't need spelling out whereas actually they weren't obvious at all and should have been spelt out explicitly before you left.

Sorry that your dh is being so grumpy about it (or he was when I started typing this, got interrupted so the thread could have moved on a bit) - he should realise that it wasn't done on purpose, he could have said to your mum about seeing her tomorrow morning when he left yesterday if he wanted to come back asap so he had a chance to have stopped the confusion too, it wasn't just you and your mum responsible for the mix up. He should have grumped, said that next time you should both make a note to make sure this sort of mix up never happens again and then have a nice afternoon together rather than sulking the rest of it away!

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