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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who should be invited him or me?

180 replies

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 18:20

My daughter is getting married (we have no issues with our relationship) I am paying for the vast majority of the wedding,and she would obviously like me to come and I would very much like to attend.

The issue with this is my ex husband is apparently also being invited, now under normal circumstances I would say it was down to both of us to put any differences aside for for the sake of one day however this is not a normal circumstance.

I have a life time none molestation order against him prohibiting him from coming within a certain distance of me or communicating with me in any way (the venue is not large enough to accommodate the distance required) three of my other children are also covered by this order. Several times the order has been breached i have only had to call the police once the rest of the time neighbours/friends and a couple of times local police officers have seen him and it has been death with

Without wanting to go into a huge amount of detail about why I have the order think along the lines of arson with intent to endanger life/GBH/ false imprisonment that sort of thing.

However my DD does not know why i have the order nor does she know what happened and will not discuss the matter and I would rather not go into it with her.

Pertinent information, he is not her father and has never had a fatherly role with her,until today I had no idea they even spoke. He is also the type of person who would delight in showing up and making me leave.

For almost 4 years I have been incredibly careful to avoid places and functions that he would be likely to be invited to but I'm pretty sure my own child's wedding should be different and I shouldn't be the one to have to decline the invite.

So am I being UR and selfish by asking her not to invite him?

OP posts:

picnicbasketcase · 22/09/2014 18:22

It sounds quite clear that you should be there and he shouldn't, as he's not allowed anywhere near several guests. Has she already invited him?

Blueistheonlycolour · 22/09/2014 18:23

No you're not if he's not her father OR a father figure in her life.
I think you need to talk to her. Does she know about the non-molestation order? Can you remind her without going into detail?

Viviennemary · 22/09/2014 18:23

No he shouldn't be invited under those circumstances. But it might be hard explaining to her all the past history if she has no idea what has gone before and what he has done. Because if she had then she wouldn't be even thinking about inviting him. It's really difficult for you and I hope things work out.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 22/09/2014 18:23

Yanbu. He should not be invited. Can you speak to her and explain you don't want him there. Surely if he came then your other children wouldn't be able to attend either? In that case it's likely she'd uninvite him.

Hoppinggreen · 22/09/2014 18:24

It's a tricky one but I think you need to be honest with your DD and tell her that it would be illegal for him to come if you and her siblings were there, and then see what she asks.
If what this man did is so bad you need to protect your daughter and her future family from him - she really needs to know the true situation

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 22/09/2014 18:24

You are the one who should be invited. From your post it sounds as if other family members wouldn't be able to go either if he went which just adds another reason why he shouldn't be the one going.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/09/2014 18:25

You're not. But can't see how you can if she's not prepared to talk to you about it.

He's not even her dad? She has to know that he isn't allowed to be around you and the other children.

If she refuses to talk I'd put a copy of the order in the post with an explanation.

Can't believe you're paying for a wedding you can't go to - I don't exactly think your daughter is covering herself in glory here not even listening to you and accepting the cheques

LiverpoolLou · 22/09/2014 18:26

Of course YANBU. What is your DD thinking. I have a similar issue with my exh but my DD won't give him the time of day and he's her biological father.

MaidOfStars · 22/09/2014 18:26

I think your daughter needs to know what's gone on. Otherwise, you're going to look like you are being petty or vindictive, which is clearly not the case.

deakymom · 22/09/2014 18:27

she is a grown up perhaps you should tell her why you feel as you do

Mabelface · 22/09/2014 18:27

I'd be quite blunt with her. She's not a child and she needs to have some idea of why he's not allowed near you.

rainbowinmyroom · 22/09/2014 18:29

You should be invited. Time to come clean.

SquinkiesRule · 22/09/2014 18:29

Your Dd is an adult, she needs to know why. If she is communicating with this man, she should be aware of the kind of behavior he is capable of. Even if you don't go and he is invited he can't be there if the other children are there.

maddy68 · 22/09/2014 18:31

This is a time for honesty. Your daughter needs to know everything.
Of it's too difficult write it down do it is factual and less emotive

She needs to know that if he comes he will be arrested. And that's something she doesn't want on her wedding day

Bogeyface · 22/09/2014 18:31

Perhaps you could email her to explain to avoid the "fingers in my ears, I'm not listening". It seems very odd though that she wont talk about it and is inviting a man she knows cant approach you and isnt her father.

I hate to ask this, but are you sure that nothing inappropriate went on between them? She seems to hold him very high in her esteem and that doesnt sit right with what you have told us.

The fact is that if he does turn up and doesnt leave once he is aware that you are there then you have the right to call the police to have him removed. If you make that clear to your DD then she may uninvite him in order to avoid a scene but I wouldnt go down that route unless she really wont listen.

You shouldnt decline the invitation, you are the MOB FFS! Go, hold your head high and dont let him or her further intimidate you.

Oh and if she does expect you to step aside in favour of him I would stop writing the cheques right now. She cant treat you like this and still expect you to stump up, if she choose him over you then he can pay her bills.

PuggyMum · 22/09/2014 18:32

Even if he is invited surely he can't go or he could be arrested?

But I do think your dd should know the truth now.

lunar1 · 22/09/2014 18:36

You need to tell her, if she is old enough to get married she is old enough to understand the situation. She can't seriously expect you to pay for a wedding you can't attend.

WooWooOwl · 22/09/2014 18:36

You need to tell your daughter the truth, without guilting her or making it too obvious that you think he should be disinvited, and then let her decide.

It would be unreasonable and selfish of you to ask your dd not to invite him without telling her why.

NotYouNaanBread · 22/09/2014 18:37

I should have thought that he would be legally unable to come, and that therefore you can contact the police ahead of time and inform them that he is intending to break the non-molestation order at this specific time and date? Presumably if he comes to the venue he faces arrest for breaking the order?

However, you also need to clearly inform your daughter why he is not allowed to be around you or your children, and that he will be arrested if he comes to the wedding venue.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/09/2014 18:37

Your dd needs to know. If she's getting married then she's an adult and is capable of hearing it so she doesn't get to say "don't tell me".
You sit her down and say "if XH attends neither I nor your siblings will attend because he is dangerous for X reason. Your choice"
Personally I think it's very odd that she knows you have a non mol against him but invites him anyway and doesn't want to know why!

NotYouNaanBread · 22/09/2014 18:39

And honestly, if she persists in inviting him and risking the police arresting one of her guests during the vows, I think you should reconsider paying for her wedding. If you tell her everything and she still invites him, while knowing all the facts, then she doesn't deserve a free wedding.

LadyLuck10 · 22/09/2014 18:40

Yanbu, but you need to tell your dd the truth. If she's old enough to be getting married then she's old enough to handle the truth. Please don't try to spare everyone's feelings and not attend, you SHOULD be there.

Sparkletastic · 22/09/2014 18:42

Of course you must go. What is your DD thinking?? Why doesn't she know such crucial details about your life / exH if you are close to her? Insist on explaining the situation to her. If she tries to shut you down ask her why she won't listen.

MaidOfStars · 22/09/2014 18:44

Oh hang on, your daughter knows about the order but not why it was granted? So she already knows he can be legally removed with one call?

Is she asking you to give him a free pass for the wedding day?

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 22/09/2014 18:44

You and your other DC should accept and point out to your DD that if your ex attends he will be breaching a non-molestation order and will probably be arrested. Is that really how she wants to remember her wedding day?

And she needs to know what happened. I appreciate that she'd rather not hear, and you'd rather not tell her, but if she's in contact with this man then there is knowledge she needs to have.

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