Who should be invited him or me?

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

My daughter is getting married (we have no issues with our relationship) I am paying for the vast majority of the wedding,and she would obviously like me to come and I would very much like to attend.

The issue with this is my ex husband is apparently also being invited, now under normal circumstances I would say it was down to both of us to put any differences aside for for the sake of one day however this is not a normal circumstance.

I have a life time none molestation order against him prohibiting him from coming within a certain distance of me or communicating with me in any way (the venue is not large enough to accommodate the distance required) three of my other children are also covered by this order. Several times the order has been breached i have only had to call the police once the rest of the time neighbours/friends and a couple of times local police officers have seen him and it has been death with

Without wanting to go into a huge amount of detail about why I have the order think along the lines of arson with intent to endanger life/GBH/ false imprisonment that sort of thing.

However my DD does not know why i have the order nor does she know what happened and will not discuss the matter and I would rather not go into it with her.

Pertinent information, he is not her father and has never had a fatherly role with her,until today I had no idea they even spoke. He is also the type of person who would delight in showing up and making me leave.

For almost 4 years I have been incredibly careful to avoid places and functions that he would be likely to be invited to but I'm pretty sure my own child's wedding should be different and I shouldn't be the one to have to decline the invite.

So am I being UR and selfish by asking her not to invite him?

Hmm that all sounds like pretty odd behaviour from your daughter. Do you think there is a chance they had a relationship

No chance what so ever. And I have complete certainty about that.

I'm pretty sure she has just believed the tale he came up with from what I understand (his mother was shocked he was lying and told me) the story he tells is he pushed me I fell and this was because I had an affair. (I didn't) she would have little understanding of what you would go to prison for or the time adjustments they use.

Could you not speak to the police and ask for advice - they might have a little word with him ? As for your daughter she is a adult and needs to be sat down and told

She is being ridiculous. Don't fund the wedding until this is sorted out. Or else you and your own family will end up the ones not going, unless your DD wants dramatic arrests on her wedding day. Which I assume she doesn't.

woowoo

It's quite simple,if she invites him I will not attend neither will her siblings or grandparents or aunts and uncles. And I will not be funding it.

Luckily its early days in the planning and I'm hoping she reconsiders when she has had a bit more time to reflect on it

I think you need to sit her down and say very clearly that you Love her and respect her choices but if she invites him you and any children coveted by the order can not and will not be able to attend.

Then say your decision is not to punish her (and you do want to come) but that you have a responsibility to the other children.

Daughter It is your right to not want to know why this order is in place but because of that you may not understand why I have no choice in not attending if he is present.

I want you to make the choice your comfortable with I don't want you to feel any pressure so I will respect the choice you make.

My message to you though is. I know she's your daughter but it's very shabby of her you put you and her siblings in this situation!

But that's my opinion and maybe I should keep my mouth shut!

It's true scrambled it is shoddy and I'm more than disappointed with her thoughtlessness

Boneyback: i said nothing about telling the fiancé behind her daughter's back. I was thinking of telling her with him there. If they are going to be a married couple, he needs these facts and it doesn't sound like he will get them from his wife to be as she believes what OPs ex is saying/doesn't want to know her mother's side.

Also make sure she knows that if you are tricked in to attending (not knowing he will be there) and he is there you will call the police because you won't have a choice.

Just incase she tells you he won't be there hoping you'll just put up with it after

I would call 101.

He has no real reason to continue a relationship with her so it seems a form of harassment towards you imo.

Could you write DD an email? If she's the type to bluster over what you are saying and change the subject you need another way of stating the facts.

Something very clear and factual would be better but make it very clear it's her choice but you will have to stay away if he comes for the sake of your sanity/safety and the peace of the day.

While I can appreciate you are feeling hurt and upset, I have been the child in this situation and to be honest, you have created this situation by not forcing her to know the truth.

From her point of view, she has been told a cock and bull story by a father figure and you have let it lie, effectively agreeing to it. What is she supposed to think?

You need to very black and white, and tell her in no uncertain terms what your ex did. Get copies of the court documents and police reports. Leave nothing unsaid.

I'm sure she will then understand that he can't possibly be invited. But expecting her to magically come to an understanding on a situation through osmosis (even if she said she didn't want to know) and make fair decisions on that basis is unrealistic.

What is she thinking? You need to explain to her in detail what he did and that him attending will mean you and her brothers won't.

She's being really disrepectful to invite him when she knows he's threatened you physically before.

You really do need to make it clear to her where you stand on the whole thing, but I'd leave her grandparents and aunts and uncles out of it. They will be free to accept or decline their own invites.

I'd also leave the wedding funding out of it too tbh. Either gift her the money or don't, but don't make it conditional because that will just lead to resentment.

She is being thoughtless, but it's very easy to do that when you don't have the full facts.

I think you need to email or write to her and tell her the details about why there is a non-molestation order. And you need to tell her that if you and your other children are there and he also turns up, then you will have to call the police under the terms of the order.

And personally I would find it very hard to pay for the wedding of somebody whose stubbornness and refusal to take part in an adult conversation meant that me and the bride's siblings were put in danger if we attended.

pourquoi

Do you mind me asking how the situation with you was resolved?

Agree, money for weddings shouldn't normally come with a lot of strings attached, but if she's old enough and independent enough to invite this dickhead, knowing how much it will hurt you and her siblings, then she is old enough and independent enough to fund her own wedding.

In any event, obviously you should be there. I would tell her very calmly that you will insist on the non mol order being enforced so if she invites him and he attends, she can look forward to her wedding being interrupted with him being arrested. If that's what she wants, she can live with the consequences.

I would feel really betrayed by my adult daughter if I were in your situation op! I feel angry with her on your behalf, what an awful way to treat your mum.

I think you need to take a much more blunt approach, spell it all out for your dd, no holds barred. Maybe in writing so your dd can process it in her own time and then she can make a decision based in the full facts.

If she still chooses to invite your exp, then at least you know where you stand, although I understand that would be incredibly painful.

woowoo

I actually agree with you on those points

By need talking about the money not being given and aunts ect not attending too, it loses the gravitas of the seriousness of not attending (the order) and (in the daughters eyes) will become an all or nothing pressure choice.

By the sounds of it the daughter will just to spite everyone say fine none of you come.

Sorry if it sounds harsh to either you need or your daughter.

need

I just wanted to say sorry you going through this.

It's the last thing you deserve after everything you've been through!

I can't quite get over that your daughter would put you in this situation, I mean she has to know it was serious just by what you've said on the thread (and that is hardly anything!)

birdhouse as long as he does not attempt to incite or encourage anyone to distress or intimidate blah blah blah then he is doing nothing wrong.

He is allowed to socialise with anybody he wants regardless of any connection to me or anybody else named on the order

Agree, don't talk about the money side of the wedding plan, just write down and print out the full story and ask her to read it.

several xposts.

Oh bugger that looked like I was fishing sorry!

I just meant by the little detail you've shared it was obviously a very serious incident!

Anybody with any sense would be able to get that.

Yes, I'm with Woowoo on this. And I sympathise with you - presumably you shielded her from the gory details of your ex's offence and allowed her the courtesy of deciding who she has in her circle of acquaintance, and it's come back to bite you. I hope she'll see sense.

I am interested in finding out why you think u r being selfish by not inviting him. He is not the father, nor has he had any fatherly role, u have an injunction for valid reasons, so why the guilt feeling?

Need

Do not bring the money or the rest of the family into this discussion - it is completely irrelevant and makes it about 'other stuff' when it's not.

This is something seriously wrong going on here.

She was almost an adult when he came into her life.
She didn't like him.
You left him partly/largely because she didn't like him.
She wasn't living at home.
She knows it took considerable 'fire power' to get rid of him
She knows there is a lifetime non mol against him.
She knows he went to prison because of it.
She has been seeing him (& his family?!) secretly.

What the actual fuck is going on?

Why doesn't she want to know what he did?
Why doesn't she care what he did?
Why doesn't she know he tried to kill you and her sibs?

Why the fuck doesn't she care what this psychopath did to you - her Mum?