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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should be invited him or me?

180 replies

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 18:20

My daughter is getting married (we have no issues with our relationship) I am paying for the vast majority of the wedding,and she would obviously like me to come and I would very much like to attend.

The issue with this is my ex husband is apparently also being invited, now under normal circumstances I would say it was down to both of us to put any differences aside for for the sake of one day however this is not a normal circumstance.

I have a life time none molestation order against him prohibiting him from coming within a certain distance of me or communicating with me in any way (the venue is not large enough to accommodate the distance required) three of my other children are also covered by this order. Several times the order has been breached i have only had to call the police once the rest of the time neighbours/friends and a couple of times local police officers have seen him and it has been death with

Without wanting to go into a huge amount of detail about why I have the order think along the lines of arson with intent to endanger life/GBH/ false imprisonment that sort of thing.

However my DD does not know why i have the order nor does she know what happened and will not discuss the matter and I would rather not go into it with her.

Pertinent information, he is not her father and has never had a fatherly role with her,until today I had no idea they even spoke. He is also the type of person who would delight in showing up and making me leave.

For almost 4 years I have been incredibly careful to avoid places and functions that he would be likely to be invited to but I'm pretty sure my own child's wedding should be different and I shouldn't be the one to have to decline the invite.

So am I being UR and selfish by asking her not to invite him?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 22/09/2014 18:45

Agree with others. If your dd is old enough to get married, then she is old enough to be told the truth. Maybe go gently on the details but presumably she can understand it must be pretty bad for the order to be put in place. Also, of course, that if he is there, then you, or her siblings won't be able to.
I don't understand why she knows nothing of this?

HavanaSlife · 22/09/2014 18:46

You should attend. If she doesn't want to know the reason for the non mol order fine, but it needs to be clear to her that you and her siblings cant be in the same room as him

Momagain1 · 22/09/2014 18:46

If she is old enough to get married, she is more than old enough to be fully informed of the reason for the order. It would be cool if she simply took it's existence as a big fat clue not to invite him, but since she hasnt, you need to explain.

MyFirstName · 22/09/2014 18:48

Flip roles. You are getting married. Your DM does not want X there but either does not tell you this or does not explain why.

Something weird is going on and your DM (who you thought you were close to, she has paid for loads of the wedding) is saying she cannot/will not come. You do not understand.

How would you feel (as the bride) if you were not asked to exclude someone?

How would you feel (as a daughter) if you later found out what in actual fact had happened and that, even as an adult your DM did not share with you these details?

BTW I am not saying the above in any way to upset you. Just to try and make you think of the possibility she would far, far rather know what had happened.

And you are definitely NBU - you should be there. Not him.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/09/2014 18:51

Myfirstname the daughter knows there is a non molsetation order but doesn't want to know why. It's the opposite situation to the one in your scenario.

Momagain1 · 22/09/2014 18:51

It may be that her fiancé needs to know the story too. He may have his own opinion on this man becoming part of his, and his future children's life.

OneSkinnyChip · 22/09/2014 18:52

Of course you should be there. Time to have an honest conversation with your daughter.

XiCi · 22/09/2014 18:55

I agree that you just need to be very blunt, very direct and tell her the situation. If you were my mother and told me even half of what you have told us I would want nothing to do with him

By not telling her you are allowing him to manipulate her. Could she even be in danger from him? From what you have said upthread it's sounds like a distinct possibility

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/09/2014 18:56

You have to tell her more about the situation, if she is in contact then she has probably been told a web of lies.

magoria · 22/09/2014 18:57

You are paying for the majority of your DDs wedding but she wants to invite someone she knows there is a non molestation order again?

You may say there are no issues in your relationship however she seems happy to take your money and then do this.

What are you going to do if she says she is inviting him. Not go? Let her have a nice wedding on your ££ that he enjoys? Hmm

A proper chat with your DD is required.

BoneyBackJefferson · 22/09/2014 18:58

Momagain1
"It may be that her fiancé needs to know the story too. He may have his own opinion on this man becoming part of his, and his future children's life."

Do you really believe that approaching the op's DD's partner behind her back will end well?

OP, you really need to have this out with her.

MyFirstName · 22/09/2014 19:05

Sorry - I had read the thread but totally have misread that bit as the OP not wanting to discuss the matter not the daughter not wanting to discuss it.

Both ways though, you need to discuss this fully and frankly with your daughter.

rookiemater · 22/09/2014 19:08

Presumably this means that her siblings or half siblings would also be unable to attend because of the order.

I agree with emailing or writing a letter. Unfortunately you will have to give her details about what happened, you can keep it brief but you do need to tell her and you are absolutely within your rights to ask for him not to be invited. In fact even if you weren't paying for so much of the wedding you'd still have that right based on what you have said.

ADishBestEatenCold · 22/09/2014 19:18

Does your daughter know this man is not her father?

Does your daughter know that if both of you attend, the law will be broken under the terms of the life-time none-molestation order?

If the answer to both those questions is yes, then there is something strange going on.

If the answer to either or both is no, then you are B U, expecting her not to invite him, without sufficient information to make that decision.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 19:26

Sorry I didn't run away a small child decided to dump a bowl of yogurt over their head so I had to go bath him.

When him and I were together it was quite a unpleasant time he was a drunk cock lodging financially abusive bully.She did not like him and that's why I got shot of him unfortunately he took it very badly and that led to the incident that caused me to obtain the non mol. It was made a lifetime one due to the lack of remorse and the courts view of the future risk. (That incident was the only violent one but he took it to quite an unusual level) it did go to court and he was found guilty.

At the time she was an adult and had left home,she knew he had done something,she knew he pled guilty in court and she knew it took 5 armed response units to stop it.but she has never known exactly what.

About a year after the court someone told me that she had had dinner with him and his family and I asked her about it,she got quite frustrated with me and in no uncertain terms told me that she is an adult and that her friendship groups were nothing to do with me and that it was the only way she got to spend time with his younger children,At the time I thought "fair point" I did try to explain what had happened that night but she outright stated it was not her concern she did not wish to listen and she got quite cross.

Obviously I was very concerned as to his motives and advised she exercised caution and was careful. And that was as far as the conversation went,she has since not disclosed any information about any interactions with him to me,

I am aware he has told a pack of lies to anybody who was prepared to listen about the incident but always figured people would realise that you do not go to prison for a little shove. And that courts very rarely issue life time none mols and certainly not when they are not very much needed.

She is completely aware of the existence of the none mol,it came up in conversation because she asked if there was anything she could do to get it "suspended" for the duration of her wedding event.

If she invites him he will come, it would give him some type of sick pleasure, there are also about 7 police officers who will be receiving invitations who would think nothing about arresting him.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 22/09/2014 19:29

If she's asking if the non mol can be suspended, and now she knows it can't be, what is she actually expecting is going to happen?

BlackeyedSusan · 22/09/2014 19:35

she is being daft. she is setting herself up to have him being arrested on the day.

I suspect she has seen him more then once and he has spun a whole web of lies. I am concerned that if you make too much fuss you will be the uninvited one.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 19:38

Does your daughter know this man is not her father?

Yes she was not far off being an adult when him and I met

Does your daughter know that if both of you attend, the law will be broken under the terms of the life-time none-molestation order?

Yes

If the answer to both those questions is yes, then there is something strange going on

She is incredibly headstrong and can be quite selfish at times especially in her need to be thought of as in charge of her own choices.

I forgot to add to my last post I informed her that no there was nothing she could do,and no there was nothing I was prepared to do.it was made clear that if both of us are invited one will not be able to attend. I'm not sure she realised that her brothers will not be able to either.

She then changed the subject

OP posts:
TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 22/09/2014 19:41

"It was made clear that if both of us are invited one will not be able to attend."

I think that's where you went wrong. If you are invited then you will be attending. If he is also invited then either (a) he doesn't turn up, or (b) he turns up and gets arrested.

LadyLuck10 · 22/09/2014 19:45

Op I would reconsider funding her wedding if she chooses to go ahead with inviting him. She needs to know the details, and then if she still doesn't care then let her sort her wedding out for herself. It's not even a tiny family dispute, he went to prison for it. Surely any adult would know what to do In this situation. Would she really choose someone who is not even related to her over her own dm?

SouthernComforts · 22/09/2014 19:45

Hmm that all sounds like pretty odd behaviour from your daughter. Do you think there is a chance they had a relationship?

Wtf is she thinking?
I can't imagine wanting my mums violent ex at my wedding in any circumstances, especially if it meant my mum and siblings wouldn't attend or it would end in arrests.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 19:47

I think your right I should have been clearer in that regard.

She will not uninvite me she will rely on me coming and not creating a scene and ignoring him being there.

This will not happen I will not allow it to happen my younger children need to know that if he breaks the order it will be dealt with.

That order was not easy to get I'm not wasting it

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 22/09/2014 19:48

Your dd knows what happened, to a certain extent maybe but she knows enough and she sees him and invited him to her wedding?? I'm sorry but she's sticking two fingers up at you for some reason. She didn't like him when you were together what on earth is she doing now?

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 22/09/2014 19:50

Wow! I agree, odd behaviour from the daughter.

I don't agree that you should go whilst there is a possibility he might turn up as a result of an invite because you have a responsibility to your other children to keep them safe.

Such a difficult situation for you op, I really feel for you.

WooWooOwl · 22/09/2014 19:51

Spell it all out for her, and then let her make her choice.

She really doesn't sound like she's mature enough to be getting married tbh.

What will you do if she invites him?