Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should be invited him or me?

180 replies

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 18:20

My daughter is getting married (we have no issues with our relationship) I am paying for the vast majority of the wedding,and she would obviously like me to come and I would very much like to attend.

The issue with this is my ex husband is apparently also being invited, now under normal circumstances I would say it was down to both of us to put any differences aside for for the sake of one day however this is not a normal circumstance.

I have a life time none molestation order against him prohibiting him from coming within a certain distance of me or communicating with me in any way (the venue is not large enough to accommodate the distance required) three of my other children are also covered by this order. Several times the order has been breached i have only had to call the police once the rest of the time neighbours/friends and a couple of times local police officers have seen him and it has been death with

Without wanting to go into a huge amount of detail about why I have the order think along the lines of arson with intent to endanger life/GBH/ false imprisonment that sort of thing.

However my DD does not know why i have the order nor does she know what happened and will not discuss the matter and I would rather not go into it with her.

Pertinent information, he is not her father and has never had a fatherly role with her,until today I had no idea they even spoke. He is also the type of person who would delight in showing up and making me leave.

For almost 4 years I have been incredibly careful to avoid places and functions that he would be likely to be invited to but I'm pretty sure my own child's wedding should be different and I shouldn't be the one to have to decline the invite.

So am I being UR and selfish by asking her not to invite him?

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 22/09/2014 20:37

I would email her.
I would tell her very bluntly that by inviting him that none of your family will be attending. That x people cannot attend because of the life mol order. I would also attach a copy of the molestation order and copy of the court paper citing was he was guilty of.

This goes beyond selfish and it's like she wants to see you hurt.

Tinkerball · 22/09/2014 20:38

I know you say she doesn't want to know the details but if she knows it took 5 armed response units then wtf is she thinking?!!

ChippingInLatteLover · 22/09/2014 20:40

I am worried about YOU

This psychopath shouldn't be involved in your DD's life at all, let alone be having a secret relationship with her & be more important to her than her own Mum.

What's going on? :(

xx

ChippingInLatteLover · 22/09/2014 20:41

I wouldn't be emailing her I would be talking to her with her fiancee. He needs to know what the fuck is going on as well.

LiverpoolLou · 22/09/2014 20:43

Why the fuck doesn't she care what this psychopath did to you - her Mum?

^^This

My DD knows nothing about what happened to me because I've never spoken about it to anyone. The only time it came up was when she was 14 and she asked if he'd hurt me and I said yes. That's all she knows and that's all she needs to know because I'm her mum and my inability to speak about it is good enough for her.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your daughter is treating you very badly and is showing you no loyalty at all.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/09/2014 20:45

I'm really sorry you're in this position.

I cannot quite get my head around what your daughter is doing. Even without knowing all the details, a quick google search will tell you what a non molestation order is. A bit more research tells you that lifetime orders aren't handed out like sweeties.

I wouldn't fund her wedding if she continues to behave this way.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 20:46

Oddly I also agree with woowoo. But it's going to seriously stick in my throat if I effectively gift her the wedding and feel either unable to attend or that I have to leave if he arrives

OP posts:
aermingers · 22/09/2014 20:50

Right, OP, the problem here is that you have not told your daughter what happened. Yet you say that this man is prepared to tell anyway who will listen a pack of lies about the incident.

So basically what's happened is because you haven't told your daughter what happened she has heard his account and accepted it.

You need to have this out with your daughter. If this man has had a chance to get in and bend her ear and she has accepted what he's told her then you are going to need to go prepared. Take press reports, court papers, witness statements anything you can get your hands on. If I was you I would speak to her and her fiance at the same time, I suspect that her fiance may be a useful ally as he will not be as receptive to manipulation by this man.

You need to sit her down and make her understand exactly what happened, have evidence to back yourself up and be firm.

If she refuses to disinvite this man and tell him the police will be called if he attends I would pull out of the wedding altogether. Including the funding. I'm sorry but if she is prepared to take this sort of a risk with the safety of you and her siblings she doesn't deserve the contribution you are making to her marriage. Take the money back, she can have a small wedding with this man there if it's what she wants. Spend the money on your other children or alternatively put it in trust for any future grandchildren from the marriage if you wish.

But if you explain the situation to her and she still insists this man should attend then her attitude towards the safety of her mother and her siblings is so callous she doesn't deserve help with paying for the wedding. Tell her to take out a loan.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 20:52

I am interested in finding out why you think u r being selfish by not inviting him. He is not the father, nor has he had any fatherly role, u have an injunction for valid reasons, so why the guilt feeling?

Because it is her wedding and not everything is about me

OP posts:
maddening · 22/09/2014 20:53

I would say that if she insists on inviting him I would withdraw my funding and stay away - no arguments and no discussion - she won't discuss it as an adult neither should you have too.

aermingers · 22/09/2014 20:53

NeedsASockAmnesty; if your daughter disinvites him and he says he is still coming surely you would be able to have some sort of police presence to prevent that from happening?

When the 15 old ladies from the church round the corner from me go out on their Whit walk they send a squad car and four coppers, surely in a situation like this they could spare a couple of PCSOs at least? Just to keep an eye on things.

maddening · 22/09/2014 20:55

Or go and have him arrested at the door if he attends

OrangeFluff · 22/09/2014 20:57

This is very confusing. Even if your daughter doesn't know the exact details, she knows enough, so why would she even consider inviting him?

I know in your original post you say that your relationship is fine, but is it honestly? Surely by believing what he has told her, she must conclude that you, her own Mother, is a liar?

There must be something else going on here.

aermingers · 22/09/2014 20:58

NeedsASockAmnesty, you are NOT being selfish. This is not just about you. It's about your other children to and the fact that they need to feel safe and secure and have a mother who feels safe and secure too.

I opened this thread expecting this to be a thread about a divorced couple who simply didn't get on. But I'm horrified at what I've read. Please don't think you are being selfish.

You need to have this out with your daughter and make her understand what happened to you. If she hears what happened and especially if you take evidence with you (so she cannot accuse you of lying and accept his version) and she still persists with inviting this man it's her who is being selfish not you.

The safety of her family should be more important to her than inviting this man.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 21:02

Why the fuck doesn't she care what this psychopath did to you - her Mum?

Unfortunately the very nature of psychopaths is they happen to be very very believe able and very very charming and engaging on a transient basis.

Amazing post by the way

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 22/09/2014 21:05

Totally agree - spot on post from chippingin.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 21:10

I know in your original post you say that your relationship is fine, but is it honestly? Surely by believing what he has told her, she must conclude that you, her own Mother, is a liar?

I think she just thinks he got in trouble for pushing me because I have genuinely never actually told her what happened. I'm pretty sure all she's heard other than from him is loads of police were involved I needed a new front door and the phone lines were cut and I had to replace the carpet.

OP posts:
OrangeFluff · 22/09/2014 21:19

I'm pretty sure all she's heard other than from him is loads of police were involved I needed a new front door and the phone lines were cut and I had to replace the carpet.

Ah, but putting myself in her place, this would be more than enough information to know that he was bad news. Loads of police, new front door etc.. is not something minor to most people surely?

pudcat · 22/09/2014 21:29

Your daughter needs to be told the truth - for her own safety. What if she upsets him? Will he turn on her? If necessary get the police family officer to talk to her or get copies of the court proceedings from your solicitor and show them to her.

aermingers · 22/09/2014 21:39

I don't think he stays in touch with her because he cares a jot about her. She is the only way he can still exert control over you and intimidate you. You must tell her what happened. I agree with Pudcat, get the police or your solicitor to help you convince her what is happening here. He is manipulating her to get to you.

I think you have actually been incredibly tolerant of this situation given what happened. It's very sad but I think it may come to the point where you have to cut off contact with your daughter until she comes to her senses. You can't allow him to exert control over yourself and your other children via this daughter.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 21:41

That is completely my fault as I have minimised and been quite flippant about the matter

OP posts:
hormonalandneedingcheese · 22/09/2014 21:43

You need to tell her the truth, it's not fair on yourselve or her to hide it. How can she make the informed decision to even see him if it's not at all informed? It's not a true choice of hers because she's ignorant about everything. I get that this is her wedding but it is about you all, you've martyred yourself by allowing his lies to go unchallenged but that's come back on you in a way- unless you think your DD would still want this man in her life knowing the truth?

You need to sit her down and be honest with her, at least them she make a proper choice. If she still choose to invite him knowing the truth and what it means then you tell her you, her brothers and other people won't be attending and you won't be funding.

pudcat · 22/09/2014 21:49

That is completely my fault as I have minimised and been quite flippant about the matter
Do not feel guilty because you did not tell her the whole truth - you were doing your best to save her from being distraught. BUT already he is starting to manipulate you by making you feel guilty. It is not your fault.

Nomama · 22/09/2014 21:51

At the risk of being overly melodramatic or snarky...

Put your pride in your pocket and sit her down and tell her the unadorned truth. If nothing else so she can protect herself against a man who sounds odd, to say the least.

If you have been flippant she may feel she is making up for your lack of care and courtesy towards him. If you have downplayed it she may feel you have been unfair. If you gave refused to talk about it she may have assumed you know you were unreasonable but don't care.

She may feel/think all of those things because whilst you have been being noble/embarrassed/private he has been telling her whatever the hell suits him.

And if she won't listen then do as others have suggested, write it all down, email it, put pen to paper...

... and hope it is not too late to explain the reality of the situation to her.

OrangeFluff · 22/09/2014 21:53

Then, as other posters have said, she NEEDS to know the truth. If you have a good relationship with her, you should be able to talk to her and she should be willing to listen. If she won't listen, or insists that he come anyway, then things clearly aren't good between you.

I hope she sees sense and has nothing to do with this scumbag ever again.