Who should be invited him or me?

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

My daughter is getting married (we have no issues with our relationship) I am paying for the vast majority of the wedding,and she would obviously like me to come and I would very much like to attend.

The issue with this is my ex husband is apparently also being invited, now under normal circumstances I would say it was down to both of us to put any differences aside for for the sake of one day however this is not a normal circumstance.

I have a life time none molestation order against him prohibiting him from coming within a certain distance of me or communicating with me in any way (the venue is not large enough to accommodate the distance required) three of my other children are also covered by this order. Several times the order has been breached i have only had to call the police once the rest of the time neighbours/friends and a couple of times local police officers have seen him and it has been death with

Without wanting to go into a huge amount of detail about why I have the order think along the lines of arson with intent to endanger life/GBH/ false imprisonment that sort of thing.

However my DD does not know why i have the order nor does she know what happened and will not discuss the matter and I would rather not go into it with her.

Pertinent information, he is not her father and has never had a fatherly role with her,until today I had no idea they even spoke. He is also the type of person who would delight in showing up and making me leave.

For almost 4 years I have been incredibly careful to avoid places and functions that he would be likely to be invited to but I'm pretty sure my own child's wedding should be different and I shouldn't be the one to have to decline the invite.

So am I being UR and selfish by asking her not to invite him?

You need to tell your daughter. Be honest. He coming is illegal as he been within distance to you and various other members. Your dd doesnt know reasons behind this so i think you going to have to tell her.

I fear you are reading, but not listening

I agree. NeedsA Your posts are very passive and very non-commital. It strikes me that despite it being a unanimous opinion that you need to tell your daughter the full story, you are avoiding addressing that, even though you are responding and engaging with posters.

You seem to be favouring a course of action whereby a resolution just happens, with no input on your part. And if it doesn't, you actually seem prepared to miss this wedding.

So, if I may ask...Why don't you want to tell your daughter? It's something that seems so obvious to the rest of us, yet you are holding back. What are you scared of? Are there other factors to consider? Is the relationship with your daughter really so happy that you would rather keep quiet and - from her point of view and to others who don't know what's happened - risk appearing vindictive and/or playing the martyr if you don't get your way (this is not my opinion, I'm just trying to see it from an ignorant POV).

I don't know if this is a shutdown response from you, but I can only urge you to try and rediscover some of the fight and bravery you showed in removing this man from your life and ensuring he couldn't harm you again. You have one last job on the list.

I really think you shouldn't entertain not attending if he's invited. Just carry on as if he hasn't been and call the police if he turns up.

If he gets wind that if he comes you won't, he'll come won't he, but if he hears that he'll be arrested if he turns up, I'd hope he'd have the sense not to.

So she knows there's a non mol order , she knows you will not consider ' waivering' it, therefore IMO she knows her wedding will be somewhat impacted by the appearance of the police arriving to remove a guest breaking a non mol order. She may be a selfish madam but as far as I can see she's walking into this out of choice.

Go to the wedding, as in any tiger scenario if he choses to break the non mol order contact the police. She can deal with the rather obvious consequence of her choice.

Christ, your daughter sounds unbelievably manipulative and quite frankly dense!
Why is she doing this? Is it a power struggle? Do you and she have a good relationship usually?
I would send her a letter detailing exactly what went on, why you have the non-molestation order and why it is impossible, not to mention breaking the order, for both of you to attend.
I would say she can invite whomever she likes, but if he's going, you won't be.

It's time to be totally honest with her about the reasons he has an order. If she doesn't want to hear about the arsen and other crimes, tell her DH what you have been through. Be clear that your ex has lied and manipulated her and lay down all the facts/crimes calmly/fairly. Have a heart to heart and get him on board.

Or write it all down clearly and factually and unemotionally in a letter, let her DH read the letter and then give it to your DD.

Give her a choice but phrase it in the nicest way you can. Either you and your relatives attend the wedding and you part fund it. If he appears, the police will be called - there is no compromise.

Or you and relatives don't attend the wedding and you don't fund it if he's there.

Explain you will respect what ever decision she comes to, although obviously you and your relatives will be sad to miss her marriage.

If she still doesn't see sense, tell all your relatives about ex attending the wedding and ask them to talk to your DD and explain what's happened over the years and why it's a bad idea.

I understand why you have tried to protect your daughter from the details of why you need the order. However it seems that her ignorance of the situation has allowed for him to get in touch with her and her to see nothing wrong with it. At this point to avoid her being at risk I would fill her in on the details. Hopefully this will prompt her to disinvite him to the wedding and you will be able to take your rightful place there.

How can she make a proper decision if you don't tell her everything?

She's had no information from you and a web of lies from him, no wonder she doesn't see the order as holding any importance.

You've made your bed, time to lie in it. Unless that is, you ensure she is fully informed and therefor can make a fully informed decision. She is an adult after all.

Write all the events down chronologically, factually in list form with bullet points. Without emotion. Email her and her DH a copy. Ask them to let you know if they need any more information.

OP, I agree with some of the other posters: you have to tell your daughter everything that happened to you regardless of how much it hurts because if you don't you are allowing this cretin to come between you and your daughter. As painful as it is for you, you cannot detach from this.

I do think that if I knew that a man was not allowed near my mother and that a new front door was needed and the phone lines were cut, I'd think that this man was a dead wrong'un but I'm not your daughter and our minds obviously work differently.

You really need to explain what happened in explicit detail, I'm afraid OP.

Your daughter is mature enough to get married, so is mature enough to know the truth about this man.

No pussy footing about, upfront honest truths, are required. She is then free to make her choice, as are you.

He sounds horrendous

It's important for your daughter to know the truth here. Not just to clarify the wedding invitation situation, but because she is socialising with a dangerous man and you are not providing her with the defence that that knowledge might afford!
I can't imagine why you think that's ok!?

Have you ever seen the doctor about your feelings over what happened?

It wouldnt be unusual to suffer PTSD after something like this, and I wonder if your way of dealing with it is to not deal with it. Hence your flippancy and not pushing it with DD, because then you have to sit down and face up to what happened and that is painful.

Oh and I agree that while she is an adult and can make her own choices, this man shouldnt be around any children she has not least because they would be our grandchildren and another weapon in his arsenal, for that reason alone her fiance should be brought up to speed on exactly why there is no contact.

your not our that would be weird!

i agree with everyone that you need to tell your dd everything. leave nothing out. she can't make an informed decision while she doesn't know the truth. he has obviously been manipulating her.

good luck. and i hope things look up for you.

The only way you can stop her being manipulated is to tell her the whole truth

I apologise for the delay I have been at work and after getting back I had dinner with my DD, one of the benefits of my job is being able to invite domestic violence leasion officers round and they come.

It's especially handy when you know they are fairly up to speed on what happened.

My DD has now had the situation explained very clearly to her,the photographs of my injuries and the damage to the house have been shown and exactly what he pled guilty to has been explained. The DVLO has been quite clear with her about how hard life time orders are to obtain especially ones that include prohibiting any form of approach/communication at all and set up an exclusion zone around a home and place of work with a power of arrest attached. It has also been explained to her that my background and work made the order even harder to obtain rather than easier (I expect he had pulled the she knows what she's doing card poor me I didn't).

I have no idea what she makes of it all nor what she is intending on doing with the information, I asked her not to discuss it with me now and just to take some time to let it sink in and then decide. I made no mention of the wedding other than to say it is not legally possible for him and I to be in the same venue.

I apologise for appearing detached its just the way I am when it comes to personal stuff I find it makes it easier to formulate an effective plan or approach if I do. No I'm not on any antiD's and yes I have seen many many HCP's since. I also have specialist counciling frequently and spent a lot of time working through my personal situation because I was concerned it may negatively impact on my professional one.

I am incredibly thankful to everybody who offered thoughts and opinions and concern its been very useful in working out how to tackle it. And shows kindness. I guess now only time will tell what she's going to do

Well done. At least she knows the whole truth now and I am sure she will see the folly of continuing any relationship at all with this man, far less inviting him to her wedding.

Well done :)

Did the DVLO ask about DD's relationship with him?

you need to tell her the truth!

he is not her father so your right trumps hers IMHO but you need to explain it to her. she is an adult

Well done, OP. I know that can't have been easy for you.

Well done for telling her the truth, sounds like it can't have been easy for you. I hope she sees sense and does the right thing.

All the best to you, NeedsAsockamnesty.

Well done!! Let us know the outcome with DD

That is very good that you told the truth to her, now she knows, well done . If after that she still invites him, I personally would withdraw funding, and let her know what I think and feel.

chipping

No she did not other than to casually mention that based solely on his plea in court he would not be the sort of person she would want in her own friendship group. She was more focused on factually explaining the court stuff