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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who should be invited him or me?

180 replies

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 18:20

My daughter is getting married (we have no issues with our relationship) I am paying for the vast majority of the wedding,and she would obviously like me to come and I would very much like to attend.

The issue with this is my ex husband is apparently also being invited, now under normal circumstances I would say it was down to both of us to put any differences aside for for the sake of one day however this is not a normal circumstance.

I have a life time none molestation order against him prohibiting him from coming within a certain distance of me or communicating with me in any way (the venue is not large enough to accommodate the distance required) three of my other children are also covered by this order. Several times the order has been breached i have only had to call the police once the rest of the time neighbours/friends and a couple of times local police officers have seen him and it has been death with

Without wanting to go into a huge amount of detail about why I have the order think along the lines of arson with intent to endanger life/GBH/ false imprisonment that sort of thing.

However my DD does not know why i have the order nor does she know what happened and will not discuss the matter and I would rather not go into it with her.

Pertinent information, he is not her father and has never had a fatherly role with her,until today I had no idea they even spoke. He is also the type of person who would delight in showing up and making me leave.

For almost 4 years I have been incredibly careful to avoid places and functions that he would be likely to be invited to but I'm pretty sure my own child's wedding should be different and I shouldn't be the one to have to decline the invite.

So am I being UR and selfish by asking her not to invite him?

OP posts:

Tutt · 22/09/2014 22:13

I agree with the others that she needs to be told all of it, not only because she needs to understand BUT so that the hold he still has over you and your family will for once and forever broken.

All the time that she isn't aware of the truth he knows and wouldn't I be surprised if this is why he keeps in touch with her, he is still very much in your life and calling shots in a very subtle and frankly sneaky way!

ByeByeButterfly · 22/09/2014 22:14

She could be in danger with such an unstable person.
Tell her - at least she'll be armed with knowledge and at very least can be wary .

How come she gets along with him now but never used to?
That seems strange.

pengymum · 22/09/2014 22:22

I can't understand why a loving daughter would keep in touch with someone who she disliked and had hurt her mother to such an extent that a lifetime non-molestation order was in place!
If that was me, I wouldn't piss on them if they were burning, never mind inviting them anywhere! And that is without knowing any more facts!
Sorry, but inmho, there's more behind this invitation.

Andro · 22/09/2014 22:48

You mentioned earlier I think, that he has younger children and your DD apparently likes seeing them? I'm wondering if they are the reason he's been invited (i.e if he's not there then children she has affection for won't be able to attend).

She needs information without ultimatums - headstrong + ultimatums = never ends well.

Unfortunately whatever the rights and wrongs (legally and morally) of the situation, it's going to be very easy for you DD to feel that she's being backed into a corner (especially with at charming psychopath pouring poison in her ear for an extended period of time). A nasty situation all around, I hope you manage to sort it out.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2014 23:08

Yanbu but you will need to be open and honest with her. You have every right to be there, he does not. He is not her father or a father figure in her life, why she wants somebody who has caused her mother and siblings misery and pain is beyond me.

Inertia · 22/09/2014 23:31

If you've minimised and been flippant in the past then she is probably taking her cue from that- if he is in touch with her he's probably minimised it even more.

However , she needs to know the truth. It's OK to tell her that you were trying to protect her from having to worry about the details, but for everyone's sake she does need to know the truth.

Given what you've said about the incident, there's every chance that your daughter actually needs to be protected from this man too. A psychopath wouldn't flinch at harming her.

Inertia · 22/09/2014 23:32

And another thought- if she's headstrong and unlikely to listen to the potential effect on you and your siblings, there's a chance that she'll respond to the possibility of him causing an upset at the wedding to get at you in some way.

clam · 22/09/2014 23:35

Sounds like you've closed all the doors to this man impacting on your life, except for the one crucial one concerning your daughter. By not telling her the real situation, you're allowing him to continue to get to you. He's controlling you through her, and she's fallen for it.

You MUST act on this to stop him. Not only will he ruin the wedding for you, but also for her, even if she can't see this yet.

I have to say, she sounds very immature.

Original poster

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/09/2014 23:56

The two mothers of his younger children had already made it quite clear that they are perfectly happy for them to attend with me and then stay the weekend at my house.

Their mothers and I are very friendly we see each other quite a lot they bring the children over my DD knows this.

I guess from most people's point of view one day something happened and that was that.he was removed and very quickly I made sure he couldn't get near me. Instantly he ceased to be a part of my life or a consideration in it (other than from a security stance) I went on autopilot dealing with it amd did not look back,guess it could have looked harsh to someone who didn't know the full story.

OP posts:

MsMarvel · 22/09/2014 23:57

I would be withdrawing any funding at this point, whether he gets invited or not. And I would do it from the point of view that if she's so determined to be an adult then she can be one.

I would then go to the wedding, and if it's in a hotel or similar, could stay on a seperate room until you are sure he is not there, and if he does turn up then it's just a phone call from that room to the police and he is gone. He never even needs to know where you are.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 23/09/2014 00:28

Just a thought, she's not the naive-romantic type is she?

Is there a chance he's spun her a story about how he still loves you, only did dramatically downplayed version of what he did because he was so "crazily in love" with you, etc etc, and how you hurt-him-so-bad-but-he-forgives-you and he wants the chance to meet you and show how much he still loves you (or suchlike)? And wouldn't-it-be-romantic to get you back together at her wedding? She may even believe it's for your own good so you can be happily-ever-after too. I know it might sound far-fetched but there are people who go for that sort of stuff, and you did say he can be very charming and convincing... and there must be SOME reason she's prepared to even give him the time of day.

If it is anything like that though, I'd say it makes him sound all the more dangerous, and all the more reason why she needs to know exactly what he did, the lack of remorse and everything.

Original poster

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/09/2014 00:55

Holy fuck I hope not. Even a hint of that sort of nonsense and I'm moving a load of security guards into my house

OP posts:

ChippingInLatteLover · 23/09/2014 01:18

I fear you are reading, but not listening.

Can I ask, are you on Anti D's (you don't have to answer!) because you seem very 'detached' and unable to see things clearly.

Look at what he did to you.

Now you are standing by while he's in your DD's life. She didn't even like him when you were together. What has he done or said that she's done a u turn on that, is seeing him in secret and has invited him to her wedding knowing you have a non mol on him & police would have to be involved?

Do you not fear for her safety? I would be fucking terrified of him having anything to do with her because she is a pawn in this game of his.

thegreylady · 23/09/2014 07:17

The thing that strikes me is that you say:"It is my fault. I have minimised and been flippant about the matter."
Nothing is your fault, you have tried to protect your dd from some horrific truths about your life. As an adult the non molestation order should be enough for her to realise that something really bad happened. If the man had been her father I may have had some sympathy for her dilemma but now she needs the facts.
I think she may have some rosy idea that her wedding will put everything right. What does her fiance think?
Just tell her all of it and make sure she sees the paperwork. Tell her how many people will be affected. Make sure she understands. Then if he is invited get a couple of those policemen outside the venue to prevent him from coming in. Your dd is being very selfish indeed.

DragonReena · 23/09/2014 07:31

You say that she disliked him and that's why you ended it with him. I wonder if she feels partly responsible for that (even though I'm sure you never told her she was the reason). If he's been spinning her lies and she has a feeling you split up because of her then maybe she feels partly responsible.

Footle · 23/09/2014 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ajandjjmum · 23/09/2014 07:51

Your daughter is an adult, and as such needs to have all of the information necessary to make an adult decision.

I personally would sit her and her fiance down and say I want to talk to you, please don't interrupt, let me finish and then I'll answer any questions you have.

And hope that she is sufficiently mature to do that.

Good luck OP - you can't protect her from the truth any longer, she has to know.

McBear · 23/09/2014 07:55

Non-Molestation Orders

This is an order to stop your partner "molesting" you or your children. Molesting means harassing, pestering or interfering with you or your children in some way, and also includes assault. "Assault" can mean pushing, punching, slapping, throwing objects, spitting at you etc. The order can also extend to cover anyone your partner tells to molest, harass, pester or be violent towards you or your children.

^ this is what came up for me after a quick google of non mols. Seems very blasé to me and could fit in with what he has said to your DD.

Perhaps as PPs have said, she thinks she is informed of the situation but she isn't truly.

QueenofallIsee · 23/09/2014 08:10

I am sorry OP but I think your daughter sounds like a selfish little madam and a bit of a drama llama - is she immature enough that she would find enjoyment in a bit of family drama? The sort of drama that would be all 'oh my god, my wedding is sooooo stressful, wait til you hear what my parents are up too, take me for wine' and because you have played it down (and she is selfish) she is ignoring the seriousness of the situation.

I would be saying 'DD, I love you and want to be in your life and at your wedding, I have never tried to influence you or tell you what to do but I need you to understand that XXX tried to kill me (I am guessing). I thought I would die. I fought to ensure I would never feel that fear again, and never put your siblings through that so even for you I will not put that aside. If he matters so much to you that you need him at the wedding, I don't understand but I will accept it. I will not be there. I will not pay for an event that hosts someone who tried to kill me. I will not send your siblings to an event with someone who tried to kill me.

Bakeoffcakes · 23/09/2014 08:11

As others have said, you need to tell your dd what he did to you and how serious it was/is.

She then needs to be calmly told that you want to go to her wedding with all your children and that you want to pay for it and that if he turns up you will call the police, inorder to protect your family and yourself.

If you think she wont listen to you maybe write it all down for her?

She then knows the facts. There is no grey area. I'd be very very surprised if she chooses to invite him.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2014 08:29

Then socks you need to sit down with your dd and tell her the truth to dispel any myths or stories she might have heard, or any romantic feelings she might have. How would she know the gravity of the situation if you don't tell her. If after then, she still has him I would withdraw funding and keep attendance to a minimum.

whois · 23/09/2014 08:34

You 100% have to tell her the full story and not leave out any details. She needs to know exactly what he did, and why it was so bad.

I agree with everything queen said:

Groovee · 23/09/2014 08:47

I think you need to sit down with your dd and her fiance and tell them exactly what happened and why you took the steps you did.

LittlePeaPod · 23/09/2014 08:50

Op so sorry for what you went through. My mother was married to an abusive fuck and I know how difficult it is to get these toe orders. We had to move cities and stay in hiding for years. Your DD needs to know the whole truth and I also think she needs to be made aware that if he is at the wedding you and her siblings can't come. Just make sure she knows you love her but she needs to understand your reasons.

FryOneFatManic · 23/09/2014 08:56

OP You do need to sit down with your DD and tell her everything, making sure you have copies of the orders, etc with you so it's clear in black and white.

AND, make sure that when you do this, that her fiancé is also there, so later on your DD can't minimise what you've said. It's his wedding too, and if there's going to be any fuss, he deserves to know.

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