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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really regret the whole grammar school thing.

999 replies

newrecruit · 20/09/2014 11:16

DS1 is in year 4 (DS2 in year 1).

I went to a girls grammar school and loved it. So when we moved out of London one of the reasons we chose this area was the schools. I don't think we are super selective (don't quite know what that means)

However, I was explaining the schools to him this morning as we drove past one and had an impending feeling of doom.

He's bright but can't be arsed. Resists pushing and I am against tutor on principal. I don't think he'd suit an all boys school.

What have I done! We should have just moved to a comprehensive area with a decent intake.

Some parents are already talking about tutors and its 2 years away. I want to hit them quite hard.

Please pile in and tell me to get a grip.

OP posts:
Sabrinnnnnnnna · 20/09/2014 11:23

Kent?

crescentmoon · 20/09/2014 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Terrierterror · 20/09/2014 11:25

Move so he can go to a true comp or get a tutor. Sorry to be blunt but what you've done is take him to an area where (as it's not super selective) the top possibly 20% get taken into the grammar schools and the rest get left behind. Super selective at least still leaves a good range of ability in the non grammar schools.

redexpat · 20/09/2014 11:25

I think it might help to separate the 2 elements of your education. It was single sex. It was a grammar svhool. There are mixed grammars and ss comps. Any in your area? Ultimately you need to base decisions on what is best for DS, not what was best for you. fwiw i loved my ss grammar too.

Terrierterror · 20/09/2014 11:26

Super selective would take the top eg 5% of pupils by ability.

Original poster
newrecruit · 20/09/2014 11:26

Terrier. Thank you for being so blunt Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
newrecruit · 20/09/2014 11:26

And no, none of those Wink

OP posts:
Terrierterror · 20/09/2014 11:27

Actually I just checked and it looks like in some areas they cream off the top 30%!

MissM · 20/09/2014 11:28

Have you considered the local comprehensives? Grammar schools aren't the be all and end all. You might find that the high school up the road is fantastic for your son and suits him really well. The children who don't pass the 11+ have to go somewhere, and that somewhere might be ideal.

MissM · 20/09/2014 11:29

(I don't know what super selective means so forgive me if I've missed the point).

Lordnoobson · 20/09/2014 11:29
  1. choose the school that is right for your kid, not you
  1. Tutoring isnt ( or shouldnt be) teaching kids what they don't know ( silk purse sows ear) but practicing a different style of test. Mine all LOVED going to their rather calm and wonderful tutor.
Lordnoobson · 20/09/2014 11:30

but a) it is too early in y4
b) if he can't be arsed already and has no natural urge to learn or work he probably won't pass anyway

tiggytape · 20/09/2014 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowlersarm · 20/09/2014 11:30

Move again. You have enough time if he's only in Year 4.

MarianneSolong · 20/09/2014 11:40

It sounds as if you have made a number of assumptions, without knowing a great deal about the local secondary schools. Maybe this is the time to find out more and ask around. What range of things do their pupils go on to do. A lot of people assume that grammar schools are best, what they want for their children etc - without really looking at what else is available. I also think that children develop as they go through primary school. Your son might be a bit more interested in the available choices in a year's time.

Original poster
newrecruit · 20/09/2014 11:57

DS was 2 when we moved, so no, we probably didn't investigate secondary as much as we should.

We just assumed he'd be a genius Grin

OP posts:
hackmum · 20/09/2014 11:58

OP, are you worried that he'll fail the 11+ exam? Or that he'll pass and then have a miserable time in grammar school?

The 11+ exam is supposedly a measure of innate ability rather than how hard you work. Obviously we all know that that's not entirely true, but if he is bright enough to be in the top 25% (or however much it is), then a bit of coaching and taking practice tests in year 6 should see him through.

If you think he'll hate grammar school, that's a different issue. But children can change a lot between the age of 9 and their secondary school years - he might work harder if he's in that kind of environment.

Viviennemary · 20/09/2014 11:59

I don't agree with grammar schools. But now you've moved you'll either have to move again or get a tutor.

Original poster
newrecruit · 20/09/2014 12:03

I'm actually just sad that he already has a concept of passing and failing.

I was quite hard nosed about it as a child as I passed. As a mother though, it makes me sad.

Bit late now.

OP posts:
Delphiniumsblue · 20/09/2014 12:13

I would only live in a grammar school area if I had absolutely no other option. I would visit the other schools- I can't see the point of drilling to pass if he isn't suited. The exam is the start and not the end.

Original poster
newrecruit · 20/09/2014 12:18

I have no idea whether he'll be suited in 3 years time or not.

I think I might move to Finland.

OP posts:
cingolimama · 20/09/2014 13:17

OP, what principle prevents you from using a tutor?

mygrandchildrenrock · 20/09/2014 13:25

We live in a Grammar school area, quite a rural location and there are no comprehensive schools, only Grammar schools and secondary moderns. It's not a good system, and I say that as a mum of 2 grammar school kids.

Mintyy · 20/09/2014 13:28

Wish I could link this thread when people are prattling on about how wonderful grammar schools are ...

Op, I would move. Seriously. Being in a grammar area must be, I imagine, absolutely hateful when your children are in years 5 and 6. Its bad enough in a fully comprehensive area!!

Original poster
newrecruit · 20/09/2014 13:32

My main reservations about tutors are

  1. I think children should be able to get their on their own merits, not be 'coached'

  2. I don't want to apply added pressure or make it into a big deal, so that he feels like he's failed before he's barely into double figures.

I realise this is a much bigger issue with parenting generally. It's a fine line between supporting them and giving them the help and tools they need, and pushing them to do something they don't want to.

Also, my whole merit thing doesn't count when everyone else is being tutored. As much as I object I can't work out if it would be doing him a disservice to not let him compete with the same resources as everyone else. Would it be less fair on him to allow him to sit the exam without giving him the proper preparation.

I would be terrible at helping him - we fall out when I try to help with his homework.

OP posts: