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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think £100 is too much?

201 replies

soapboxqueen · 18/09/2014 21:00

Dh and I are going to a wedding in a few weeks. We don't know the couple very well, the groom is the brother of my dh's friend. They have asked for cash instead of gifts which is fine but I was thinking maybe £30 or something. Dh thinks it should be £100 because we are getting a meal. I think this is way too much considering we are travelling the length of the country to get there and we hardly know them.

It's more than double what we spent on his siblings when we bought gifts for their weddings.

Aibu ?

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 20/09/2014 14:28

Molly, yes they did. They also told us that another friend didn't give anything, which shocked me. (That they told us.)

KatieKaye · 20/09/2014 14:37

that is ghastly behaviour, mitzi.
Incredibly greedy and grasping.
With the silly amounts of money some people confidently state to be "the norm" (without any facts to back this up) I'm beginning to wonder how many weddings actually make a profit for the happy couple.
Next time, go retro and make them egg cosies. Useless and kitsch and bound to annoy those seeking cold hard cash.

JanineStHubbins · 20/09/2014 14:40

What sort of 'facts' are you looking for? That's my experience from my wedding, my friends' weddings, my cousins' weddings, all of which took place over the last 10 years. I'm not sure what sort of proof you expect, all people can do is report their experiences.

LemonadeRayGun · 20/09/2014 14:41

£100 definitely way too much. There is no way anyone I know would expect that as a gift at their wedding, I certainly wouldn't have. For people I hardly know I would probably put £20 in a card. I hate giving money though.

Floggingmolly · 20/09/2014 14:51

Fair enough, Janine. My experiences over much the same time frame differ completely, however, so I guess neither counts as established fact.

KatieKaye · 20/09/2014 15:04

Saying what your experience is does not mean that is the norm. Your experience is limited to your social circle and May or may not be representative of the rest of The country so to say that X amount is " the norm" in Ireland (as some have done) in these circumstances is actually meaningless. And other Irish posters have disagreed with the amount others assert to be the norm. Which kind of suggests your experiences aren't typical, rather what you and your family and friends decide is appropiTe and that is totally different.

QueenOfHope · 21/09/2014 11:03

Ok… judging by all the comments here, I guess we give a heck of a lot more than most.

For one wedding, we travelled over 12 hours by plane (made a holiday out of it) and gave £200. It was a friend of mine and DH thought we should give £100 each. For one wedding which was here in the UK (DH's friend), we gave £100.

The couple we gave the £200 gift to - we knew what others were giving them as all my close friends attended. Most of them were single then or attended on their own, and we sort of agreed on £100 each person. They didn't really count on DH also giving £100 though - so we could have probably just given £100, but DH felt it was the right thing to do.

The couple we gave the £100 gift to - it was a friend of DH who he hadn't seen for years (DH is quite bad at keeping in touch with people!). But they were good friends as kids.

QueenOfHope · 21/09/2014 11:15

… but I agree, it depends a lot on what circles you move in. Our 'circle' is probably firmly middle class professionals, where a £100 gift seems to be the norm.

We had a destination wedding. Most people had to fly to get there. The largest presents we got at our wedding (each was something like £500 - and this was a few years ago) came from friends of my parents.

One came from long-time family friends who knew me since I was little. Their whole family was invited (incl. aunts and cousins I barely knew but were invited as they were so close to the location of our wedding), so it was a gift from their whole extended family.

One came from a couple and their daughter who are very, very wealthy (think millions, properties around the world and socialite daughter). They are close friends of my mum. DH and I hardly knew them, but they actually flew all the way to our destination wedding, and were so super-nice and great company to PiL at the wedding, we were happy having invited them.

Our own friends gave around £100.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 21/09/2014 11:35

My head aches.

We got married at our local church, had a meal at out local hotel and were given the usual carriage clocks (3) table linen and dhs 3 friends brought us the joy if sex. Grin

It wasn't about the presents or the location or the dress or the wealth or otherwise of our guests.

It was us getting hitched and a great family celebration.

Fine what you can afford to give op and enjoy the day.

ItsDinah · 21/09/2014 12:52

£30 is fine from a hard up family member, close friend or someone the bride and groom owe favours to if attending a formal and expensive wedding meal. Also more than enough if the couple have been cohabiting and already set up house . In any other case I would not attend the wedding meal if I were only giving £30. I would just send the £30 as a gift. There is certainly a major cultural divide linked to the significance of marriage.

WineWineWine · 21/09/2014 14:08

A middle class professional here. My social circle would not give £100 wedding gifts. £30 is perfectly acceptable. I wouldn't expect anything from someone on low income or who couldn't afford it, I would just want them to be there. I value their friendship, not their wallets.

I would not attend the wedding meal if I were only giving £30
I just find that shocking. Surely the most important thing is that you are sharing the day with the B&G. The cultural divide you mention, seems to be more about the gift than the marriage.

This whole thread makes me very sad about the values that people place on weddings, marriage, friendship and gifts.

Sunna · 21/09/2014 14:17

£100 is the minimum, I'd say.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/09/2014 15:55

Ditto to everything WineWineWine said!

I am Shock at this thread, truly. My parents are well-off and generous by any standards, but I know people of their generation didn't spend anything like 100 quid (or equivalent in the day) on wedding presents. Presents seemed to be such a minor concern back then compared to now. A bit depressing, really.

KatieKaye · 21/09/2014 17:11

There is certainly a major cultural divide linked to the significance of marriage.

How true.

Some seeing it as the joining together of two people, pledging to become a couple. There is nothing in this viewpoint relating to presents, monetary or otherwise.
Others see it as a wonderful excuse for a huge reception and loads of presents and concentrate on the wedding itself, not the actual marriage. Lots of people say they cannot afford to get married when what they mean is they cannot afford a lavish reception.

Original poster
soapboxqueen · 21/09/2014 17:32

KatieKaye I agree. I think years ago people could be quite generous because people were setting up their own homes etc and were just starting out. It also had much more acceptance as a community event and the joining of two families.

Personally I feel now that it is a personal affair. It is an agreement between two people that they chose to share with others. However few people are setting up homes as they earn money and have set up homes previously.

I don't think that my lifestyle choices should enforce gifts from other people. Would we give £100 gifts to a couple moving in together who might never choose to get married?

I don't think being generous is wrong. Obviously people can choose to give what they want.

OP posts:
QueenOfHope · 21/09/2014 19:12

I think it's really just what you are used to.

At university a decade ago - when we were basically just students - our budget for Birthday presents alone was around £20-30 per head plus spending money on a birthday dinner and covering the birthday girl's food, too.

So giving £30 gift for a wedding - which hopefully is a once in a lifetime event - would not seem right to us...

Floggingmolly · 21/09/2014 19:16

Grin at middle class professionals. Most of us are, lovey. Doesn't change a thing.

LightastheBreeze · 21/09/2014 19:24

Sounds like a nice little earner to me, if people who don't really know the B and G give £100 whatever do the good friends and family give, no wonder people don't ask for gifts. Bit of difference between 100 quid and a couple of towels Grin

£30 sounds about right, probably what some towels would cost.

rainbowinmyroom · 21/09/2014 19:33

Arf @ birthday dinners at Uni. I hadn't realised Hyancinth Bucket went to Uni.

MagnificentMalificent · 21/09/2014 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowinmyroom · 21/09/2014 19:56

Oh, you mean a destination wedding, Mal. Naff in extremis.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/09/2014 20:07

"It's more than double what we spent on his siblings when we bought gifts for their weddings."

The big question is: why does your OH think that spending a hundred quid on people he hardly knows is OK , when half of that was spent on his own flesh and blood?

Who is he wanting to impress with this sort of largesse?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/09/2014 20:20

It wasn't about the presents or the location or the dress or the wealth or otherwise of our guests. It was us getting hitched and a great family celebration

A wonderful attitude - too bad some just see it as an opportunity to engage in competitive grabbiness

And don't even start me on those hideous "wishing wells" ...

Original poster
soapboxqueen · 21/09/2014 20:22

Bitter I think it is more he was completely thrown by the cash element. We don't go to many weddings but they usually have a gift list and we generally know plenty of other people going so we can judge the going rate by chatting with others.

Dh didn't have a strong belief that it should be £100. He just thought that was the going rate. I disagreed. It wasn't an argument.

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 21/09/2014 20:27

Oh, yeah, 'wishing wells'. I wish this couple learned some manners.