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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think £100 is too much?

201 replies

soapboxqueen · 18/09/2014 21:00

Dh and I are going to a wedding in a few weeks. We don't know the couple very well, the groom is the brother of my dh's friend. They have asked for cash instead of gifts which is fine but I was thinking maybe £30 or something. Dh thinks it should be £100 because we are getting a meal. I think this is way too much considering we are travelling the length of the country to get there and we hardly know them.

It's more than double what we spent on his siblings when we bought gifts for their weddings.

Aibu ?

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 19/09/2014 20:48

Where did the OP say she was in Ireland? Have I missed something?

Floggingmolly · 19/09/2014 20:50

She's not in Ireland. And the €200 is complete bollocks.

KatieKaye · 19/09/2014 20:50

She didn't, rainbow - it was other posters coming on and asserting that X euros are "the norm" in Ireland as a comparison

Original poster
soapboxqueen · 19/09/2014 21:00

No. I'm not in Ireland. I think I would faint if 200 was the norm even if it was Euros.

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 19/09/2014 21:01

Thought so. So, in the UK, £30 is fine. £100 far too much, 'covering your plate' is grabby bollocks and not the custom in America.

Benchmark · 19/09/2014 21:10

100 is definitely not far too much. It's generous but hardly ridiculous for a couple! I don't understand people feeling embarrassed at receiving gifts, just be grateful and move on. All this obsession over what is too much or too little takes all the joy out of it IMO.

Clarabum · 19/09/2014 21:11

£100 is more of a best pal wedding present in my opinion. £30 for an acquaintance is perfectly fine. I'd spend £30 on a present so if they want the money then that's up to them.

rainbowinmyroom · 19/09/2014 21:12

It's far too much when you hardly know the people or you have spent a small fortune travelling.

Asking for cash is beyond naff, anyway.

Benchmark · 19/09/2014 21:15

I would rather someone asked for money than a present, less hassle and easier to carry.

Laquitar · 19/09/2014 22:16

To me it doesn't have to do with how rich or poor the bride and groom are but with the income of each guest. There are not set rules. If a good friend is poor/has lost her job/suffers bad health then i would tell her not tobother with gift.
On the other hand if someone has money i dont get the resentment about weddings and gifts (i should go and live in Ireland!).

Most importantly i don't get the issue about 'older couple' or second marriage. What difference does it make?

KatieKaye · 19/09/2014 22:35

The original thinking behind giving presents was to help the bride and groom furnish their new home, so older people or those marrying for a second time might be assumed to have towels, toasters etc already.
It only very recently that people have started bringing gifts to weddings. You used to send them to the brides house before the wedding, thus saving all the hassle of carting them back from the reception.

rainbowinmyroom · 19/09/2014 22:42

And it's only recently that people started having big weddings for a second or subsequent marriages or after having lived together for yonks and had a family.

Laquitar · 19/09/2014 22:59

We were 39 when got married and we didn't have anything at all from JL or anything 'nice'. We lived in rented studios before.

Laquitar · 19/09/2014 23:01

Mind you we still dont have JL and nice stuff (grin).
I want a nice set of pans.

(i d like to go to Ireland and re-marry)

Mitzimaybe · 19/09/2014 23:35

£100 seems a lot to me, in these circumstances, but it depends on whether you have lots of money and move in wealthy circles. We gave £80 to a good friend of my DP earlier this year. I had suggested £100 but DP decided £80 and it's his friend so who am I to argue? Afterwards they told us it was the largest non-family gift. Can you compromise on £50 or £60?

More generally, if it's a second wedding and you already got them a generous gift for their first wedding, (which they didn't return on divorce,) should you really be expected to spend a lot for their second wedding too?

Elderflowergranita · 19/09/2014 23:46

Well I do think that €150 to €200 is the norm here in Ireland, as crazy as that seems.

I honestly think that if you gave €50 ( the approx monetary equivalent) you would really be in a minority.

rainbowinmyroom · 19/09/2014 23:47

FGS, she's not in Ireland.

Elderflowergranita · 19/09/2014 23:51

Didn't say she was rainbow!

Merely making an observation

WineWineWine · 19/09/2014 23:57

You cover your meal
If that was the case, they should sell tickets not send invites.
It was their choice to invite you. They have chosen the food and set the budget for it. If they couldn't afford it, they shouldn't book it.

Gifts should never be an expectation, especially not high value.
Give whatever you want to give that you can afford.

WineWineWine · 20/09/2014 00:10

I am so glad I didn't have a big wedding. I would have been embarrassed and mortified if any guests felt they had to gift such ridiculous amounts in some kind of one upmanship style competitive gift giving.

This is not what weddings are supposed to be about. It is incredibly distasteful.
People here boasting about the amounts they have given or received.

JanineStHubbins · 20/09/2014 00:34

People aren't boasting, simply sharing experiences. The OP asked for opinions.

Floggingmolly · 20/09/2014 10:27

It is distasteful, though. Really, really distasteful. And honestly, Mitzi, your friends compared gifts and told you yours was the largest??? Some people have no class whatsoever...

Jewels234 · 20/09/2014 10:36

As someone about to get married, there is no way at all I expect my guests to feel like they need to cover the cost of their meal. I'll be feeding them as they will have kindly come a long way to see me get married. £30 is fine...but if it's a sticking point then compromise at £50?

writtenguarantee · 20/09/2014 12:06

Why would they invite you?

indeed. that's the weird part. I once got invited to a wedding and never met the bride and didn't know the grooms last name. I had no idea why they invited me. when I got the invitation I didn't know who the couple was and then found out through a mutual friend who exactly they were. And it wasn't a mistake. I was constantly being asked to RSVP!

I say 50. nice round number.

Dizzywizz · 20/09/2014 14:17

£30-50 IMO is fine