to think £100 is too much?

[soapboxqueen]

Dh and I are going to a wedding in a few weeks. We don't know the couple very well, the groom is the brother of my dh's friend. They have asked for cash instead of gifts which is fine but I was thinking maybe £30 or something. Dh thinks it should be £100 because we are getting a meal. I think this is way too much considering we are travelling the length of the country to get there and we hardly know them.

It's more than double what we spent on his siblings when we bought gifts for their weddings.

Aibu ?

cakecake I mentioned in my post that I hate gift lists too. It just seems incredibly grabby and cheeky.

"Not only do you have to buy me a gift to celebrate a life choice that I made, you have to buy me one of these gifts that I really want but probably can't afford to buy myself - thanks!"

My auntie got married recently and specified no gifts, but had a collection box for a charity on a table if anyone wanted to make an anonymous donation. I'm not saying everyone should do that, but certainly that everyone should shut up and be grateful for anything they're given.

Sorry, I was a bit harsh yesterday with my 'incredibly mean' comment. I apologise to anyone I offended with my twattishness.
It should of course be completely up to the individual(s) what they give or whether they give a gift at all. I choose to give quite generously, but would only go to the wedding of someone dear to either me or DH, and it makes us happy to give lots as they embark on married life together .
Also, we would not give more than we can afford, and I don't think anyone or anyone nice getting married would want their guests to break the bank for them. Quite a few of our guests didn't give us gifts (we had no 'list' or mention of gifts in our invites) and that was grand; all we wanted was their company and we appreciated the effort made to celebrate our wedding with us.
I do think asking for money or gifts at all is presumptuous and uncool.

€200 the norm in Ireland????!!!

Bloody hell MrsGrumble can I invite you to my wedding so!!! I don't knopw anyone who could readily afford €200 as a wedding gift (in Ireland)

The people smugly saying that you should "cover your plate"... why not just have the bad manners to ask the couple how much they're paying per head so that you get.the.amount.just.right? Imagine, you thinking that you've paid your dues and actually, you've underpaid because you've forgotten about the on-costs and suchlike.

If you are genuinely a guest, you wouldn't behave like this because you'd be invited as being an integral part of the couple's happiness on their day. Not as a means to recoup the expenditure.

You don't know this couple well, OP. £30, if that is what you can afford, sounds right. Buying a beautiful card is also a bit meaningless if you don't know them; a photo frame with some cash inside it might be easier. Save the grand gestures for people who really mean very much to you and you won't embarrass them or this couple either.

The Ireland thing must be a very recent phenomenon, or I've been insulting people for years and am now the talk of the wash house...
€200 my arse. Who sets the rules??

100 is too much.

I also don't agree with it having to cover the meal as for ours next year it is 85 pp !

30 is more than enough

I think £25-30 is OK for an evening reception. But at least £50 for a meal. That's why I hate this asking for cash. Why don't they just send you an invoice for the cost of the meal.

I went to my friend's nephew's wedding in March, I am a single parent on disability benefits, and the absolute most I could afford to spend on a gift was £15.

So that's all I did spend, I bought a nice gift for the money, I'd never heard of this cover your meal business until I read about it on mumsnet.

No one I know thinks like that either.

€150-200 per couple absolutely the norm in Ireland.

Janine you're invited too....

We married 4 years ago. Cash/voucher gifts ranged from £10-300. Some people didn't give gifts/cash - their gift was being there for our special day. (Cheesy emoticon)

We thought all gifts were thoughtful & lovely & didn't invite people based on how much we thought we could get out of them, or give it a second thought if they didn't bring a gift.

Surely that's normal? £30 is fine.

I would say €100 to €200 would be the norm in Ireland (€200 being v generous) per couple.

I just can't imagine giving £30 for a wedding, even when we got married 13 years ago the lowest amount people spent was £50 and we got cheques from my parents friends for about £250-300. When we were first married we couldn't afford much so gave nice gifts. DH was a best man for his oldest friend and we gave £150 and our standard now for weddings, which are pretty rare is about £120 or £150 if the children are invited too.

We said no gifts to ours (seems wrong somehow to ask for gifts). People gave us frames (quite a lot), champagne... The biggest cash gift was £150, the majority was around £50, but quite a lot were lower, like my cousin (young 20 something) who gave us £20 and told us to go out for a beer. £100 seems a lot, especially if you have to travel and don't know the couple very well.

Our wedding cost about £80 per head for the meal and we didn't get gifts from everyone (I must admit I did find this odd - although I wasn't expecting expensive gifts of course but I would never attend a wedding without something).

Covering your plate is not only a myth but one started by mercenary people

I believe it comes from America, but of course it's another one which has been grabbed by those who want to make a quick buck out of their wedding

why not just have the bad manners to ask the couple how much they're paying per head so that you get.the.amount.just.right?

Brilliant - love it!!!!

Is the OP in Ireland? In some countries it's customary to pin notes on the bride but guess what? If you're not in that country, it doesn't apply.

And once again, 'covering your plate' is not a custom that comes from America, who get blamed for every grabby monstrosity going. It is customary there to do wedding lists, not cover your plate.

150-200 euro is the norm in Ireland (if you are invited to the whole day).

This thread explains why we got so many generous wedding gifts. My DH is Irish and I was gobsmacked and very grateful to receive vouchers or cash of between 200-500 euros from every relative! How do people afford that if they go to lots of weddings?? I always give 50, slightly more for a very close friend, but will remember to give more at his family's weddings!

Wow some gave dh and I money but only family gave 100, I wouldn't expect my guests to spend more than 50 and would even think that generous!

Don't blame the Americans for this myth!
It is total nonsense in any case. Unless you hope to make a profit from your wedding.

Some people seem to get confused with honouring the couple with your presence and actually giving them presents.

Bottom line - you give what you want to give and what you can afford to give. everything else (including the cost of the meal, which you may or may not like) is irrelevant. Presents are nice but they are not obligatory.
For those who think it is rude not to give a present - it is even ruder to notice and comment on the lack of a present. Unless, of course, you stipulate on the invitations that the price of admission is £XXX.

Weddings cost hundreds of pounds to attend. Well all the ones I have attended have. So we really don't want to get into covering costs spent, as if so all those couples owe me a tidy sum......

Disagreeing with the €150-200 being the norm in Ireland. Certainly not at any of the weddings I've been to! (Big Irish family)

how does anyone know what is "the norm" in Ireland? who provides these statistics?
And what does it matter what other people chose to give? who would be mad enough to give a sum of money they can't afford just because Sylvia from number 6 is?