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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think £100 is too much?

201 replies

soapboxqueen · 18/09/2014 21:00

Dh and I are going to a wedding in a few weeks. We don't know the couple very well, the groom is the brother of my dh's friend. They have asked for cash instead of gifts which is fine but I was thinking maybe £30 or something. Dh thinks it should be £100 because we are getting a meal. I think this is way too much considering we are travelling the length of the country to get there and we hardly know them.

It's more than double what we spent on his siblings when we bought gifts for their weddings.

Aibu ?

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 19/09/2014 08:01

If ur only giving 30 id spend it on gift instead tbh.. photo frame maybe as someone up thread suggested

Original poster
soapboxqueen · 19/09/2014 08:04

process I was slightly suprised to get an invite but not massively so. I don't really know why, it could be to make up numbers or they just have a different threshold for sending wedding invites. They are a nice family so I don't mind going.

OP posts:
ILoveTurnips · 19/09/2014 08:18

OP, if you went out for a meal and a night out with your DH how much would you spend. I'd spend more than £30 on ourselves so I'd spend more than £30 on someone else. IYSWIM

If you are skint and would only ever spend a tenner going out then £30 would be loads.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 19/09/2014 08:28

I think it is incredibly naff to ask for cash as a gift. And to imply people who are invited to weddings should be covering the cost of their meal is even naffer. Please don't tell me said cash is to pay for the couple's exotic honeymoon.....

What is wrong with a set of glasses or a toaster from John Lewis. I would be tempted NOT to give any cash but to get a gift.

rainbowinmyroom · 19/09/2014 08:33

Gift lists are the norm in America, not covering your plate.

rainbowinmyroom · 19/09/2014 08:34

I decline any invitations touting for money. £30 is fine.

WooWooOwl · 19/09/2014 08:35

Turnips, that's a fair point, but it's not cheap to be a wedding guest. There's usually transport and accommodation costs to consider, and unless the couple are providing a free bar, wedding guests are likely to spend quite a lot on drinks as wedding venues aren't generally known for keeping their prices low.

I don't really think you can compare it in terms of a night out where you get to choose where you go and what you eat.

Wedding guests are quite important to a wedding, they are what creates the celebration the couple want so as much as it's a nice thing to be invited, it's equally nice for the couple that people are making the effort to go and celebrate in the way they want.

rainbowinmyroom · 19/09/2014 08:37

As for covering cost of meal, I'd rather go to a restaurant.

Shockers · 19/09/2014 08:38

Your amounts, £30 or £100 are quite far apart. Why not £50?

ILoveTurnips · 19/09/2014 09:12

I think £50 is a very acceptable amount (unless you are all skint)

Original poster
soapboxqueen · 19/09/2014 09:18

shockers It probably will end up being around the £50 mark. This isn't an argument between dh and myself. We've not actually been to a wedding where we had such a tenuous link or where they asked for cash. He had his idea and I had mine and we weren't sure what was the going rate.

OP posts:
tak1ngchances · 19/09/2014 09:21

I found that all other nationalities were far more generous than the English when I got married 5 years ago.
Not a criticism really, more an observation.

Daddypigsgusset · 19/09/2014 09:22

Having been to about 20 weddings in the last 2 years:
We gave £100 for close family
£60 all day for friends
£40 evening for friends
£20 for friends of friends evening
It seemed about the same as what we received for our wedding also in the last 2 years.
In this case, I'd probably give £50

Callani · 19/09/2014 09:24

And this thread shows why asking for money for weddings is such a problem - not because it's tawdry to ask for cash (although some may think it is) - but because it puts people in the VERY awkward position of trying to work out the right amount to put in and causing people to be worried that they're not offering enough even if they can't afford more.

firesidechat · 19/09/2014 09:49

I have no problem at all with couples preferring money to presents in this age of living together pre marriage. However I am almost fainting with shock at the idea of giving £400. The year we got married there was an epidemic of friends getting married too. We had just bought our first property and expectations like that would have bankrupted us. Fine if you can afford it, grossly unfair on those who can't.

SunshineDaisiesButterMellow · 19/09/2014 09:51

Dh was best man at his best friends wedding last year. We gave them £40 from all of us (Dh, me and two dc).
We are on one income as I'm a sahm, and we had to pay for the room which was £200.
We would have given a bit more if we didn't have to pay for the room. And Dh said as much to his friend, as in its only £40 we can't afford too much more. They told Dh not to be so silly as it wasn't the money that mattered it was Dh being there.

£100 is way too much especially as you're spending on traveling and presumably overnight accommodation.

cherrybombxo · 19/09/2014 10:01

I can't stand gift lists or people who ask for cash, it's so rude! I knew a couple who couldn't afford a honeymoon and so asked all of their guests to chip in to pay for it! Maybe I'm in the minority but I think that takes a pretty big brass neck!

I say give what you can afford. £30-50 is perfectly fine.

cakecake · 19/09/2014 10:06

My rule of thumb is £50 per couple attending wedding...so if it was just me and DP then we would give a minimum of £50 - for my best friend's wedding we gave £100 and few other bits and pieces but certainly wouldn't do that for everyone.

Having said that we haven't been to a wedding since we bought our new house so will have to assess how much disposable income we have at our next wedding.

I think most people are grateful with any amount - they certainly wouldn't want you to be short to subsidise their present. Weddings are a expensive business aren't they!!

OnlyLovers · 19/09/2014 10:07

I think £30 is more than generous considering your outlay of time and money to get there.

But then again I can't really imagine even going to the wedding of people my DP or I knew so slightly.

chaseface · 19/09/2014 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cakecake · 19/09/2014 10:08

Just thread through some more responses and didn't realise how many people don't like the request for money. Do you feel annoyed at gift lists? What don't you like about it. Just a general question for future reference!!

chaseface · 19/09/2014 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thruaglassdarkly · 19/09/2014 10:15

I hate when people ask for money gifts, because then the amount you've spent is so blatantly obvious. You can pick up some lovely gifts relatively inexpensively. I think even £30 is quite a lot to be honest, especially as you hardly know them. I certainly wouldn't pay more than £30. In fact, I'd be more minded to get them a lovely photo frame or something they can use to remember their day.
A gift is precisely just that (a gift) and not an obligation nor a debt to be repaid.

WooWooOwl · 19/09/2014 10:20

Your presence at a wedding has an expense, but it also has an immense value. Without wedding guests, there would be no atmosphere, and very little celebration. At least no more celebration that you have on your engagement, anniversaries, valentines day if you choose.

For people that have big weddings, it's the guests (and by extension the money they spent to attend) that makes the wedding the special thing that it is.

Butterpuff · 19/09/2014 10:30

I went to close friends wedding a couple of weeks ago. We gave £60 cash, nice card and a small gift, if only the evening reception we would have given maybe £30. For not close friends I would maybe go £40 for all day. It is a gift, but the fact that I had been invited to the whole day would indicate that the B&G thought highly of me, everyone knows weddings are really expensive and drawing up guest lists is tough. I would be really touched that I was chosen to be on the list and would want to repay that kindness with a decent gift.

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